Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Don't really want to post but feel like I'm going nutty!

(130 Posts)
TheOrchardKeeper Wed 10-Apr-13 10:28:46

Long story short, me and DP have been together just under a year. He's taken to DS very well, helps out a lot, is supportive & seems respectful.

But I was borrowing his phone to check my FB via his (he knew and was there) and I saw that he's liked this page & gets daily updates, basically of women in their underwear with the option of seeing them naked elsewhere on the internet (they usually post pics with links to more explicit material).

I know a lot of blokes occasionally use porn and for some reason that doesn't bother me but I just didn't think he was the 'type'.

The issue is partly because I think it's a bit sleazy & partly because whilst not massive I obviously look like I've had a kid naked & despite him saying he prefers me now to when I was a twig, I don't believe him, as I used to be the same size as most of these girls etc.

I know this is probably stupid but I feel like saying something (carefully) to him as I'm now silently judging him & feeling like it's changed my view of him slightly, which isn't that fair is it if I haven't asked him about it.

Sorry for rambling! smile

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 10-Apr-13 10:30:01

(there's something about the fact that it's daily and often more than once a day that he gets these updates, rather than the occasional use of porn that he barely uses anyway).

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 10-Apr-13 10:37:48

I'm not sure if I'm being OTT or not.

I think that's what I wanted to know. As trivial as it sounds it just did hurt a bit to see that & feel like he's been lying about what he likes & what his type is etc.

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 10-Apr-13 10:57:34

maybe I'm just a prude... blush grin

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 10-Apr-13 11:03:14

You are entitled to feel this way. You both haven't been together for long and already he is getting his sexual kicks elsewhere (I refuse to click onto the link).

I thin you can tell a lot about a man's view of women and sex from what he does - it sounds like he thinks women are bodies to be used/exploited?

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 10-Apr-13 11:08:37

I'm not sure to be honest. I think if I talk to him then i'll be able to tell how he really feels about it all & if he gets super defensive then I will think less of him & reconsider our relationship.

I don't want my DS thinking casual soft-core stuff is normal if you know what I mean.

We have a very good sex life & I don't feel that he's disrespectful in any other way.

It's just suddenly made me feel shit about the way I look, which I'm not proud of tbh. I'd just really believed him when he said he preferred curves etc etc & now I keep wondering what he really thinks.

(He was very big himself once so we actually look similar naked...lots of stretch marks going on aha)

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 10-Apr-13 11:09:56

(Like I said, i'm not massive. Fairly average & we're both in our 20s. But I'm no size 8 iyswim & don't actually want to be)

Dahlen Wed 10-Apr-13 11:11:46

It would be a massive red flag for me, I'm afraid.

However, the presence of scantily clad women in our society is so normalised that if he's otherwise great and you want to give him the benefit of the doubt WRT being a sleazebag who treats women as sex objects, you could use this as a platform for having an in-depth discussion about porn, the sex industry, how women are portrayed in society and how this can be damaging to all women, domestic violence, etc. Even if he tells you what he thinks you want to hear, if you approach it in a 'read between the lines' frame of mind, you will be able to discover a lot about his true attitudes. You can then go from there.

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 10-Apr-13 11:12:49

I just really feel there's no need to look at stuff like that on a daily basis/see it as entertainment. I sure as hell wouldn't join a male-equivalent if there was one. I just don't work that way & the only person I want to see naked on a regular basis is him.

Dahlen Wed 10-Apr-13 11:13:07

Although reading your penultimate post, I think the main problem here is that it's making you insecure? If that's the case, all you can do is ask for reassurance and work on having enough confidence in yourself to not give a shit what he thinks anyway.

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 10-Apr-13 11:16:19

^ I think I will dahlen

I consider myself an unashamed feminist and hate the way it's normalized. He's such a good bloke besides this, hence the shock.

I really feel that maybe talking to him about it and discussing how important it is to me as an issue will help he rethink it.

Worst case scenario is he gets super defensive or says i'm being ott but then at least I know what he really thinks about it & can deal with that when it comes to it.

It's hard to feel like I'm not being ott because it's SO 'normal' (i.e page 3 being another daily source of such material).


TheOrchardKeeper Wed 10-Apr-13 11:17:34

It's actually more that I feel like he may be sleazier than I thought.

I only feel insecure every now & again & it's just the shock of coming across it & that temptation to compare yourself.

The more I think about it the less insecure I feel & the more annoyed I feel.

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 10-Apr-13 11:25:56

It only made me think 'ew' when I first came across it but i'm now annoyed because I woke up at 3 and coudln't get to sleep because it suddenly hit me that I'm really not ok with it & am dying to see what his views are on it.

Not his fault I couldn't sleep but still annoyed! aha

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 10-Apr-13 11:26:27

I think if I talk to him then i'll be able to tell how he really feels about it all & if he gets super defensive then I will think less of him & reconsider our relationship.

Would that be such a bad thing? Surely its better to know now what kind of man he really is than 10 years down the line?

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 10-Apr-13 11:27:51

I'd much rather know now! Before DS is old enough to understand or look up to him (he's only 2 atm).

pizzatime Wed 10-Apr-13 11:28:50

Hey OP,

The Suicide Girls aren't porn at all - they are like rock style models with tattoos. I know a lot of women who like the suicide girls too. I understand how the page looks but honestly, it's nowhere near porn in the traditional sense.

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 10-Apr-13 11:31:19

I know the FB version only has them in underwear and not fully naked but it's just the whole point of the page that irks me.

It's just tattooed/alternative girls, all smiley, all impossibly skinny and doing stupid poses. It's objectification to me, they're just smiley pretty bodies to look at. There is no other point to it.

I doubt he's thought about it that much but that's how I've always felt about things like that. I'm not the only women who feels it's a bit sleazy am I?

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 10-Apr-13 11:33:27

I have had a proper look and I know the FB site isn't nudity or anything but it is almost all women in their underwear & you can follow links to see them naked (which I know he's done, as I saw a search on his phone previously when using google but thought nothing of it as I knew nothing of SG at the time).

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 10-Apr-13 11:34:39

I know there's no sex involved with their work etc.

But they do pose naked, so I still consider it softcore

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 10-Apr-13 11:37:01

I would agree with you Op.

Have a chat with him about the whole thing. Good luck.

madonnawhore Wed 10-Apr-13 11:37:47

Have you talked to him about how you feel about this stuff? Do you know his opinions on feminism/sexual objectification of women, etc?

If not it might be worth exploring his views and maybe challenging them. So very many, many people don't understand why this stuff is wrong because they've never even given it proper thought.

It's important to find out your partner's views on these issues anyway I think.

madonnawhore Wed 10-Apr-13 11:39:31

Also I agree with the poster who says that Suicide Girls isn't really about porn. It's a sort of counter-cultural trendy thing. A bit like Riot Grrrls a few years back.

But that still shouldn't take anything away from your feelings about it, which are totally valid.

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 10-Apr-13 11:42:28

Thanks mad'

I'll broach it tonight & probably end up back here!

He knows a little but I've not properly gone into it as I suppose he's seemed very respectful and agreed with what I have said on it.

It really does seem likely that he actually hasn't thought about it in the way I've described, as lots of people don't.

I'm aware that I feel very strongly about it & not everyone does.

Lovingfreedom Wed 10-Apr-13 11:43:25

I've clicked the link you sent...this looks pretty tasteful compared to a lot of the nasty porn out there...(and one of my male FB friends 'likes' the site). It is 'liked' by men and women and shows beautiful girls, mostly with tattoos, showing off their bodies quite tastefully. I do get what you're saying, but I think a lot of guys will 'like' this kind of thing and he possibly signed up before you met but still gets the notifications.

Some of my friends and I belong to a Facebook group to which people post pics (often semi-naked) of attractive men - mainly celebrities and film-stars, some models. The pictures are undoubtedly presenting these men as sex objects, often not particularly subtly. I have a partner who I find pretty irresistable, but doesn't closely resemble any of the pics on this group! ...but likewise I am not like your typical porn star either and it he seems pretty content with me!

Branleuse Wed 10-Apr-13 11:43:29

I have suicide girls on my likes list too

youre overreacting IMO

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: