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What do I do with this new info? Gutted and angry.

(109 Posts)
whatafuckingmess Sun 31-Mar-13 20:10:55

I have nchanged as my other profile has so much info on it would out with me with this as well. I have other threads in the past, so you may recognise some details but please don't out me.

My parents fostered all my life and I was sexually abused by a foster brother for several years. I asked my mum for him to leave when I was 15 (she knew what was happening but not the full extent) but was told by her that she had never had a fostering placement fail and was not about to start now. I took myself off to boarding school, and we have had a difficult relationship ever since as I struggle to come to terms with what happened and how she acted, even now as an adult.

When I became pregnant I was on my own throughout, and she was a tower of strength and support. Our relationship has always been like this - episodes of closeness then something will happen, and we both find it hard to even be near each other. I moved back into her home when my ds was 3 weeks old, and I am still here - although I have a move date to my new home at the end of april

Tonight she gave me her old phone as mine is broken, and I synced it with my sim and computer. It has somehow combined our calenders - and moved her calender entries into mine (I honestly have no idea what the hell I have done to manage this)

The first entry was "Whatafuckingmess is on my mind as usual, her poor ds will suffer the brunt of her his whole life"

I have then I fully admit looked at other entries on the calender (it's not a diary, its more like at 1pm such and such happened thing).

It would seem that the only comments she makes are about me, and are all negative and horribly hurtful about how badly I care for my ds, she has said she thinks I am mentally deranged, my son is suffering by being with me, that I am "my usual mean, deluded self" and that I think I am in control but am not and god help us all. There is more of the same, but you get the gist.

My little boy is my life, I am gutted. She is downstairs now with visiting family and I am hiding in my room like a bloody 12 year old. Where do I go from here? What the hell do I do?

InNeedOfBrandy Sun 31-Mar-13 20:12:49

Oh I have no idea where you would go from here but seriously WTF what a fucking cow she is argh

RandomMess Sun 31-Mar-13 20:13:50


How awful.

Somehow you need to survive a month under her roof and then branch out on your own accepting that she'll never really be there for you.

whatafuckingmess Sun 31-Mar-13 20:17:14

I can't stop crying, I just never thought she would say those things. I'm mortified she feels that way about how I care for my ds.

I'm having psychotherapy at the moment to try and have a better relationship with her, and part of me just thinks whats the point. But she is my mum, she is the only one I have.

ScentedNappyHag Sun 31-Mar-13 20:18:05

winethanks she sounds vile OP, I'm so sorry you have had to put up with her treating you like that. No advice, but hand holding until some comes along.

RandomMess Sun 31-Mar-13 20:18:42

I would take this to your therapist, it's a big thing to come to terms with.

saintlyjimjams Sun 31-Mar-13 20:20:44

She doesn't sound a good mother my sweet sad

Is there any chance of counselling? For you I mean. She's behaved horribly, both when you were a child by not protecting you & now by writing such horrible things now. She may be jealous or something now but who knows. Look our for yourself xx

saintlyjimjams Sun 31-Mar-13 20:21:37

Ah you are having psychotherapy - that's good

zipzap Sun 31-Mar-13 20:21:38

Does she also look at her calendar on a computer?

Is there any chance that when she checks her calendar that she will see any of your entries if the two calendars have combined?

Sorry, no idea on how to sort it but might be worth thinking about and posting something in the tech/geek session in case people there know how to sort it...

whatafuckingmess Sun 31-Mar-13 20:23:19

My therapist has taken Easter off, her timing is rubbish!

Right. I need to keep calm and stop crying. I need to keep myself together until April.

She truly believes what she has written, she really thinks those things about me and my son. I hope she is wrong, I am gutted she thinks that, but I hope it isn't right and I am so screwed up that I can't see it.

zipzap Sun 31-Mar-13 20:24:06

Sorry, meant to say I think your mother has behaved abysmally and doesn't sound fit to be a foster mother.

Hope you manage to get through the month with her and can then permanently escape her clutches.

whatafuckingmess Sun 31-Mar-13 20:24:32

My calander is pretty empty - I use it literally as a 3pm health visitor type of thing.

Thank you all for replying. I have had such a shitty shock I didn't know what to do

Frizzbonce Sun 31-Mar-13 20:26:03

I'm so sorry What. It sounds as though she is projecting all HER guilt and blame onto you, otherwise she may have to face up to the fact that she allowed one of her placements to sexually abuse you. I bet she knew more than she let on. She needs you to be the repository for all her anger and guilt. As Random says talk it through with your therapist but it sounds as though you'd be better off without her in your life. It sounds as though despite a horrible upbringing you are doing a much better job with your son than she managed with you. She might also be very jealous of your parenting skills - another reason to dump all her toxic shit on you.

chuchiface Sun 31-Mar-13 20:27:59

Can I just point out that her parenting skills meant she failed to address what was happening to you in order to save face, please don't worry what she thinks of you and take whatever steps you can to build your own support system of friends.

whatafuckingmess Sun 31-Mar-13 20:30:25

My therapist thinks (god, never thought I'd be the sort of person who started sentances like that!) that she needs to be Alpha mum as that has been how she has been defined for much of her life, and that when she knocks me and thinks she knows better than me it is because when it comes to my son I am alpha mum and it knocks her positon. Does that make sense? I'm not sure I am thinking clearly.

I don't know how to react to this. She is downstairs with my brother and his family. I can't say anything, but I can't pretend I'm ok. I feel so bloody alone.

CheckpointCharlie Sun 31-Mar-13 20:32:37

Wow. It is strange to even put those kinds of thoughts down. Why is she doing that?? It is kind of attention seeking, ie writing stuff down imagining someone will read it?
How old is your baby OP? Stick with him and carry on with your counselling, you will not fuck him up,you sounds like you are putting him first and trying to sort yourself out.

I wonder if she feels guilty about fucking your life up, her entry about him suffering the brunt of you kind of sounds like what you are doing, ie suffering from what she allowed to happen to you?

Is there anyone else you can trust? Is your dad about, would he be able to support you? Big (((((hug)))))).

JoInScotland Sun 31-Mar-13 20:34:15

She sounds like a narcisist - there's information out on the net about narcississtic mothers. Shame there wasn't an internet or a word about this sort of personality when I was growing up with my (adoptive) mother who also acted this way. The thing that jumped out at me was that she wanted to "save face" more than protect you. It's always about her isn't it? Even more than your safety. Please read about it. I'm reading "Will I Ever Be Good Enough?" by Karyl McBride, it's a good start.

CheckpointCharlie Sun 31-Mar-13 20:35:10

It isn't the abusive brother is it????????? If not (I hope not) is he on your side?

I would focus on how you are going to live your life from now on, concentrate on all the amazing things you will do with your son. Do you know where you will go from here accommodation wise?

You are not alone.x

saintlyjimjams Sun 31-Mar-13 20:41:30

Yes that does make sense (what your therapist says) - it's what I meant by maybe she's jealous

whatafuckingmess Sun 31-Mar-13 20:45:56

Thank you all, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

It's not the abusive brother no - his placement eventually ended when he was caught raping some one else. This brother isn't on my side particularly though, I think he thinks I need to get over it.

Our mum is lovely, really, she is so outwardly helpful and the perfect grandmother and mother. I have always been made out to be a drama queen (she said that was why she never knew if I was exaggerating the abuse because I always made such a drama of things) my brother believes that I am creating a drama too and that it was a long time ago. My dad died when i was 21, so he isn't around either.

I will look up that book jo thank you, I have put on here before about an issue with her undermining me and how I look after my son, and someone else, cogito perhaps, thought she was a narc too. I looked at the stately home thread at their suggestion, and it frightened me as so much resonated.

I just feel like she is my mum, my bloody mum, and she thinks those things about me. I just can't pretend that this is ok, and carry on as if I don't know.

CheckpointCharlie Sun 31-Mar-13 20:59:55

Blimey. So you must be second guessing your reaction to everything, what a nightmare for you. Sorry about your dad sad
So the end of April can't come quickly enough for you ( I read the thread back properly and see that you can move out then). Will you get some proper independence then?

What can you see happening if you ask her about it? Could you write it down instead? Do you think she would respond or just make you feel like you were creating a drama? So sorry about this, having a little baby is hard enough,
MASSIVE (((((hug)))))

AllOverIt Sun 31-Mar-13 21:02:20

Didn't want to read and run. So sorry that your mum has written those dreadful things. How awful for you.


whatafuckingmess Sun 31-Mar-13 21:09:17

Sorry, yes, I move the end of April. I have rented a house about 20 mins away in a lovely area that I can afford (once I have the rest of the deposit saved up) My little boy is actually 1 now so I guess not that little any more, but I wanted him to have family around him (more than just me) and my mum was always asking me to stay and not move out.

I think if I asked she would close down and say I was making a fuss and that she truly believes what she has written. I have tried to approach her in the past about the way she talks to me, and just smiles and walks away. She won't talk - she really believes she is right and that I just can't see it.

I honestly don't know what I would write down. I mean, what could I say? I don't know how to get over this except to put distance between us, and I'm scared I will try and pretend this hasn't happened because I don't want to lose out on having her in my life.

I feel a bit like I'm going mad! I'm sorry if I am repeating myself or sounding self pitying, I have just had a bit of a shock I guess. I need to pull myself together.

ImperialBlether Sun 31-Mar-13 21:17:44

What an awful irony it is that she is saying that you are an awful mother when the choice she gave you was to continue being sexually abused or to leave home. How dare she offer a home to an abuser when the result was to have her own child leave that home?

In my opinion, she is narcissistic. She didn't want to lose the placement (when surely the golden rule of fostering is that your own children are not harmed by the fostered child) because she thought that would indicate she had failed. It was not about her! The boy needed a place of safety where he could be treated and you needed a place of safety where you would be protected. She needed to act like an adult and help you and arrange for him to be helped.

I wouldn't want anything more to do with her, personally. She is NOT lovely. She is NOT a good mother or a good grandmother. She is awful. Really awful. I'm so sorry you have to cope with her.

willybreeder Sun 31-Mar-13 21:20:25

I was about to write but Imperial B put it better than I could! Really feel for you x

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