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i dont know what to do :(

(204 Posts)
dadwithbaby Thu 10-Jan-13 19:10:32

I am a stay at home father looking after 5 boys youngest just turnt 2 having problems with the teenagers. My partner of 17 years was abused physically and sexually as a child but has been trying to carry on with life. That all changed a few weeks ago when all the past was brought up when our son was having a counselling session. She now walks away from me i am not allowed to show any affection (cuddles) or am i allowed to tell her how special she is. She says she cannot be in a relationship while she sorts herself out. I love her more than anything and it is tearing me apart thinking that she may no longer love me and also that she is going through this alone. She is now withdrawn secretive and staying out and it doesnt help that i feel low at times from the isolation of looking after the boys. I just dont know where to turn or how i can help my beautiful wife who is my world. When alone i just want to break down and cry and to be honest have done a number of times after she has said some hurtful things. :'( help please

dadwithbaby Tue 26-Feb-13 00:48:12

Well today has been full of ups and downs pretty much par for the course.
I have managed to get my son back into school which i'm very pleased about as it's part of his recovery and a step back to some semblance of normality. His session with his counsellor went very well they are building a good rapport and hopefully as time goes by he will feel that he can be more open and begin to address what has hurt him.
I have had to postpone the solicitors sad while i wait for hmrc to send me the appropriate paperwork for the legal aid. The housing Association are still taking the piss sooner this paperwork comes the better and yes i am chasing it. Apparently i don't count as a single dad until the child benefit is in my name and their still in the process of changing it confused
I suppose its really frustrating as i have been on their case for a couple of weeks now and i just want that sense of security for the boys and to begin the divorce. I'm at the stage where i am indifferent towards her but that's probably just the apathy pills although whenever i do see her all i see now is a liar and a cheat.
When im alone i must admit i do tend to sit and wonder what was real in our relationship. Nearly 18 years and for it to end like this to be honest is sickening how could i have been such a naive twat muppet. The only saving grace in this situation is that the boys are with me and that is some comfort they are my world.

dadwithbaby Fri 01-Mar-13 22:46:01

Feeling very low at the moment. The stbxw wants to be friends and cant understand why im so angry and hurt shock . I explained to her that's she's done a number on me and the boys but she doesn't care all she wants is to be on "good" terms when she leaves.
Dc has been self harming again and i'm devastated it seems that he is not ready for school yet. sad he has enough to deal with at the moment. His mother didn't bother visiting for nearly a week and could only manage an hour most of which was spent with the baby and this isn't fair. The other boys seem to be relatively ok at the moment.
Its strange that the longer this goes on the more empty I feel. I am alone in dealing with this and supporting the boys as they wont really open up or communicate with others. Its so draining and it doesn't help that their mother is trying to make me feel paranoid in regards to how it all has transpired. I'm sick of the whispers and stares that i get from those around her and i just cant stand being around here but at the moment i have no option but to suck it up.

Jux Sat 02-Mar-13 00:07:41

Have you had a free half hour with a family law solicitor? They can give you immediate advice as to what is most urgent before you get things like finance in place. Or have you talked to CAB about it?

I wonder if your happy pills are the right ones for you. Perhaps you might talk to your doctor, as your apathy vis a vis the legalities of your situation seems to be extreme.

I'm sorry your boy is self-harming again. Is he studying at all, or is he just missing everything academically? He'll have a hell of a job catching up, if so. Maybe you could study something you're interested in, while he does schoolwork? It's a kind of shared activity, but you each have your own thing.

I am worried that you seem to be no further on with a solicitor.

As for your ex, well she can't acknowledge your hurt as that would mean admitting she has been in the wrong. It's still early days for you.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 02-Mar-13 01:33:31

Below is copied from a website. It is something that my counsellor gave to me. Read it, then give a copy to your wife. What you are feeling is totally normal.

the leaver and the left,

When the decision is finally reached that you are to separate, it is not unusual for couples to be in very different places emotionally and psychologically. Although people go through similar stages of adjustment, couples often go through them at different times and with different degrees of intensity. Understanding how this affects you will help you to avoid some of the common misunderstandings that arise during this difficult stage.

The ‘Leaver’

The leaver is likely to have been unhappy in the relationship for a long time before the actual date of separation. During this time they will typically have gone through stages of dissatisfaction, sadness and worry. Increasingly they will detach themselves emotionally from the relationship. By the time that separation happens they will have worked through much of the emotional loss of the relationship and be ready to move on. They may experience great guilt and sadness but also relief. Significantly, they are several miles down the road of adjusting to this major change in their lives.

The ‘Left’

The person who has not initiated the separation, the ‘left’, may have had no idea that the relationship was in such difficulty. They might accept that the relationship was not great but perhaps thought it was a just stage that most couples experience from time to time. Their reaction is shock, disbelief, hope for reconciliation and anger. Their life has been turned upside down and the process of adjusting psychologically and emotionally to the separation is only just beginning. Significantly, they are at the start of the road that they may not even want to walk down.

What this all means

The leaver, who is psychologically prepared to move on, may not understand why the other is so emotional. He or she may be disappointed that their offer of friendship is being rejected. They may complain that their ex is not accepting the reality and getting on with things. He or she will become frustrated and impatient for decisions to start being made about the future.

For the left however, this emotional stage is more intense and lasts longer. The left may feel that their ex is cold and unfeeling and that their distress is not being understood. They may have lots of questions to ask about why the relationship has ended which they are not getting answers to. Their feelings of rejection are intensified by their ex seeming to want to move on as quickly as possible. They may feel that they are being forced into thinking about issues that they are not ready to deal with yet. It’s too painful for them to be friends, what they need right now is to be left alone.

Not understanding your different emotional states can create problems in communicating which adds further complications to an already difficult and stressful situation.

izzyizin Sat 02-Mar-13 02:25:39

How long has your lad been self-harming and non-attending or spasmodically attending school?

I seem to recall you said he began self-harming after being bullied at school. Has anything been done to address that situation and give him additional support if it's expected he continues his education at the same school or are arrangments being made for him to continue his schooling elsewhere, perhaps in a more therapeutic setting than the hurly burly of a state mainstream educational establishment?

My concern is the bullying, which would appear to have adversely impacted on his sense of self-worth and belief in his ability to order the world around him and which, in turn, led him to self-harm, may have been superceded by blaming himself for his dps' marital problems.

If this is the case, when his dm takes herself off to live with her lover some thousands of miles away it's probable he will experience a crisis which you alone may not be able to get him through.

It would be lamentable if your ds's education is being neglected at this time as, if nothing else, the necessity of being required to attend lessons/do homework/mix with his peers, can provide a much needed distraction from what is going on at home.

If considered opinion is that he's not fit attend school, is he being provided with work to do at home perhaps aided by tutors a couple of times a week?

When do you anticipate your legal aid certificate being granted and have you made an appointment with the solicitor of your choice?

dadwithbaby Sat 02-Mar-13 22:57:44

Thankyou for reading and responding.

Jux i have spoken to the cab about my situation and their advice was divorce biscuit. I've spoken to the doctor in relation to the "happy pills" and apathy is par for the course. I'm still pretty rational most of the time hmm . I believe that his self harming was triggered by a few instances of other boys wanting to fight him etc sad. He doesnt do much work to be honest he seems to be more clingy at the moment wanting cuddles and time with me which im happy to give. I haven't given up on him and education we will get there and he's bright just needs to believe in himself.
As for the solicitor i have an appointment booked im just awaiting proof that im entitled to legal aid and i wont get that until child benefit is in my name which is also in the pipeline.
As for the wife angry shes in denial of any wrong doing and she has ten days until she goes [shocked]. Going by how shes been that means that the boys have four more hours of her time assuming she can avoid going on the piss with o/m spare the time.

Skyblue I have read the attached leaver and left and to be honest not much of it rings true confused lol in denial well the leaver part doesn't her change was so sudden and not only to me but to her sons. I could understand the detachment if she was taken for granted/neglected etc but that was not the case. She is a cold hearted bitch calculating individual based on her actions towards her children. Yes i'm emotional and relatively controlled at the moment. I do not have clarity in regards to my feelings and nor will i for some time sad.
Her walking away to her new life not only leaves me behind sad but also the boys. They are in effect being abandoned twice by her once for the o/m and secondly for a "new start" in another country. If she thinks that this will not impact on her relationship with her sons she is deluded and naive.angry

Izzy he has been self harming for around a year and has been in and out of education. The school in the past has been reluctant to accept any responsibility and this is in the process of being addressed. It is possible that in some way he blames himself for the family break up sad I have repeatedly told him that its not his fault nor any of their faults. He's not stupid nor are his brothers they are listening to her words and judging her by her actions which do not match up. Izzy we both know that she's being a selfish and inconsiderate moo and at some point she is going to have to face what she has done. At the moment that is not my concern the boys are and all i can do is try to be the best that i can for them.
I'm hoping that my legal aid will be granted this week.

I am feeling like shit at the moment its draining holding it all together. I do feel like having a good cry sometimes but i cant lol ironic. Hopefully things will get better in time. I hopeful for the boys as for myself I'm done with relationships sad. Night all im off for a brew and a spot of moping.

izzyizin Sun 03-Mar-13 22:54:13

I've seen far too many dc such as your ds fall through the net and leave school with no qualifications and no ability to bring about any positive change to their lives short of winning the lottery.

If his current school is not willing to address the issue of him being bullied NOW, a place must be found for him elsewhere and, in the meantime, he should be given every opportunity to continue his education through classwork being sent home to him, tutoring, and special assignments if necessary.

It's tempting to want to simply protect our dc from all harm but the stark truth is that the majority of us will encounter bullying or unpleasantness from others in schools, the workplace, other environments as we go through life, and dc need to be taught the skills required to navigate their way through these testing times.

If your lad lacks confidence find a means whereby he can gain a sense of self worth through extracurricular activities such as martial arts, horse riding, dance/drama, Scouts, playing an instrument, or similar. I've seen many depressed/reticent/shy/withdrawn dc flourish as they begin to master a skill and develop confidence in their ability to achieve tangible results through their own efforts.

It's a fine line between giving your ds the attention and affection he needs and pandering to him by allowing him to be come too clingy and dictate when he attends school and when he stays home.

If necessary, take accompany him to school and meet him at the end of the day. If it isn't feasible for you to this as you may have dc at other schools who cannot make their own way to and from unaided, ask SS for a support worker to help you.

Needless to say, you should resist any temptation to allow him to effectively become your companion during school hours - remember, you also have younger dc who need to be led from the front and set an example of fortitude under pressure.

You know that saying 'when the going gets tough...'? You're going to have be tough and get going - and then some, dad.

You've got a battle on 2 fronts and the only way you'll win through is to put any need you have to re-live, rehash, or regurgitate, your marriage on the back burner - or confine it to indulging yourself in the wee small hours here - and forge ahead with resolving the issues that can be sorted by banging on doors, and tables where necessary, because when it comes to 'officialdom' it is a truism that those who shout loudest get - and those who don't, get ignored.

Get on to the Headteacher of your ds's school in the morning and, if a satisfactory response is not forthcoming, get on to his counsellor, to the local authority's Education Department, to your MP, and to Uncle Tom Cobley and all to get your son back into education asap.

We live in a throwaway society, dad. Don't let your ds be thrown on the scrapheap before he's had any opportunity to become all that he can be.

dadwithbaby Tue 05-Mar-13 23:25:21

Thankyou for reading and responding thanks

Izzy the issue of bullying is now being dealt with by the school as they have no choice and he is receiving counselling which is a gradual process. I have made some progress with him since his mother left we are communicating and interacting alot more and he is no longer nocturnal. His sleep patterns are almost normal now and he is alot more engaging it is just a matter of confidence which we are all working on.
I am more than happy to walk him to and from school and have done on numerous occasions. Getting him back into education is my primary goal for him and it will happen sooner rather than later.
The going is tough and I am up for it wink. I am changing things and they will improve for all of us.

I am battling on two fronts so to speak any rehashing of what was and might of been are confined to the occasional mope in the wee small hours. Issues relating to myself are in "stasis". I am moving ahead for the well being of the boys and will continue to do so. I will do whatever it takes for the boys grin Society is a throwaway but i'll be damned if they are.

Anyway seven more days until their mother leaves these shores. The boys relationship with her has deteriorated as they feel that she cannot be bothered with them. The older two no longer trust her and feel that she cannot be depended upon. This is of her own making she has the time free but chooses not to spend it with them.
I no longer engage with her and keep communication to a minimum its easier that way.

thankyou for all for reading thanks now go enjoy a brew or wine

Homebird8 Fri 08-Mar-13 19:50:42

You are sounding a little more distant from the emotional impact of what you're going through Dad. Perhaps this is down to the medication you are taking and perhaps it's for the best for the moment. You have such a lot to do and there will be more time for your grief as time goes on.

At least school is responding to your DS's needs regarding the bullying now. Only you know whether it is enough and the right approach to really help. You are the one who he is starting to open up to. Well done for finding the extra time to help him get closer and for supporting him to return to normal waking hours. He'll feel so much better for it. A good dose of daylight everyday is so important. The research on health and learning improvements with good daylight is unequivocable.

Can only be a few days until the boys' mother leaves now. Has she made any more effort to spend any time with them? It's totally understandable why the two older ones have expressed their lack of trust. She's not done anything to win it exactly has she.

Thanks for the brew. Those are always welcome round here. smile

Jux Fri 08-Mar-13 22:40:04

Dad, you are sounding so much more together! You are doing really well aren't you? Your boy is improving slowly, your children are finding their way vis a vis their mum, and you have detached from her enough yourself to no longer engage.

You've done some hard work haven't you? It's going to be so worthwhile.

Thanks for brew. Have one yourself, unless you'd rather have a wine, goodness knows you deserve it, and have a good slap on the back too (isn't that BlokeSpeak for "good onya, cobber" or something? wink).

Now, I have a cheeky little merlot somewhere.....

dadwithbaby Sat 09-Mar-13 00:05:36

Thankyou for your responses they do provide some solace for me thanks.

Its been a few crap days to be honest had to postpone solicitors yet again as i'm still waiting for paperwork to show im entitled to legal aid.

Their mother hasn't bothered with the boys er baby since tuesday and is still continuing with her hatchet job on me and the boys. I getting fed up with her "friends" telling me how hard she has had it and wishing her and the o/m luck what the fuck. Shame none of them put the same consideration into the boys and what they have to face.

She has now gone "public" with her new man and has plastered it all over the social networks along with various comments aimed at primarily me and a few at the boys. The younger boys (13 and 14) are not happy with this and have pointed out that she has dropped our surname and feel betrayed. One sent her a message which i found out after the fact but have taken the blame for it. We only have to make it till Wednesday then they are gone.

She has two more contact days when she may visit the boys er baby. Sunday she is free to take them out if she wishes. Tuesday the baby is not leaving my sight for a moment. I have lost all trust and respect for her it would be so much easier if i didnt have feelings for her but time i hope will resolve that.

Thankyou all for your responses they do provide comfortsmile

izzyizin Sat 09-Mar-13 00:17:06

Who told you that you have to show you're entitled to legal aid before you can consult a solicitor, dad? Were you told this by the CAB or by any solicitor you made, or tried to make, an appointment with?

dadwithbaby Sun 10-Mar-13 00:01:48

Hi izzy i was told i needed proof by the solicitors before they will act and the CAB's advice was simple im screwed divorce her.
Well another shit day she decided to turn up unannounced and just walked in started turning the house upside down looking for paperwork. Decided to have yet another go at me how everything is my fault and that i was so horrible so she had to go.
Her entire family have distanced themselves from me and the boys and to be honest I'm pissed off annoyed that they can be so blind and ignorant of her behaviour but then again i have a good idea of the yarn she has spun, but that doesn't help the boys who have lost one side of their family.
She is taking the boys out for a pub lunch ironic really mothers day. The first and last time she will have spent time with most of the boys in eight weeks. I'm in two minds whether or not i allow the baby to go. My reasoning being if he isn't there the others may get more attention for what its worth but knowing me i'll let him go for one last time.
Their mother is becoming more and more spiteful in the way she talks to me and behaves towards me. I cant believe how full of herself she is now instead of spending precious time with her children she has been travelling the country with o/m seeking the blessing of all relatives. Her words cut deep sad but that's the price that fools pay for love. Her departure cant come soon enough but before that i still have to face a meeting with all the workers involved with my son and she will be present so i expect that will be a joyous experience biscuit just like the last one was.

Skyebluesapphire Sun 10-Mar-13 00:16:14

My solicitor worked it out at our first meeting and I had to take proof of income .

izzyizin Sun 10-Mar-13 00:33:01

I'm still not clear as to whether it was the CAB who told you a solicitor would need proof of your entitlement to legal aid before acting for you, or whether were told this by a solicitor, or their receptionist, with whom you attempted to make an appointment, dad?

How are you managing financially? Are you getting CB and have you applied for benefits?

Callthemidlife Sun 10-Mar-13 02:08:48

I know a woman now in her 60's who left her husband and took her two children to stay with relatives. Within a month she had met and ran off with someone and abandoned her two kids. She had a further two kids with a completely different man. The first two kids were returned to their father.

Those first two children never spoke to their mother again (she tried for a while but was a bit half hearted about it). They were 8 and 6 at the time. They are now 35 years down the line. They grew into lovely children and stable loving, normal adults. They were of course destroyed by it all at the time but their dad was amazing.

The lives of her subsequent children have been totally different. They grew up in a world of alcohol, neglect and different 'daddies' moving in and out of their home. I could list out the police, social work involvement, teenage pregnancies and convictions but it would be voyeuristic to do so. Suffice to say things didn't turn out well.

Abandoning her first two kids turns out (accidentally) to have been the best thing she ever did for them. It gave them the opportunity to grow up in a calm non-toxic environment. I've know this woman and the kids involved for many many years, and it is certainly not the first two kids feel sorry for. Their dad was amazing and I am sure you will be, too.

OP, Her leaving is the start of stability for your boys, not the end.

Good luck.

Midwife99 Sun 10-Mar-13 08:25:35

Hi Dad, I'm so sorry. I've been lurking & just wanted to offer support. One thing I wanted to say - please make sure age doesn't have the baby's passport. She could take him today & go to Greece if she does. You say she was ransacking the house "looking for paperwork" which could mean passports. I don't think you should let her take the baby out between now & Tuesday just in case. Have you changed the locks so she can't just walk in?

Midwife99 Sun 10-Mar-13 08:27:24

Age = she!!

dadwithbaby Mon 11-Mar-13 00:16:30

Sorry if i was not clear izzy as far am im aware it was the secretary of the solicitor on a call back to clarify things confused. As far as finances go we are living on the child tax credit at the moment; the child benefit is in the process of being changed and can take up to 3 months and until i get it i cannot receive financial assistance for myself.

I actually let the baby go today with the mother but only because the two older boys were going with them. She took three of them for lunch and asked them how they felt about her going. The older two said they wouldn't miss her and the other said he would only because your still my mum. She also told them that the family of o/m are setting them up in business on the island so she basically screwed her own boys for financial gain that didn't go down too well. I don't really care if they do or don't she's not my concern anymore. I know i will contradict myself blush at some point as those damn feelings aren't gone yet.

She is leaving on tuesday night now and i have all the passports of the boys with the exception of the baby who does not have one that i know of either way today was the last time that the baby will be out of my sight. The other boys are clear in that they wish to remain with me.

Just 48 hours to get through and maybe seeing her one or two last times which is unavoidable as we have a meeting tomorrow oh the joy.

Thankyou for reading and commenting it does help thanks

dadwithbaby Thu 14-Mar-13 09:33:04

Well its been a few shitty days. The meeting i wasn't looking forward to lived up to expectation ie she tried to shaft me and the boys expressed her bullshit concerns in relation to substance abuse which isnt happening and tried to get dc placed in residential care evil cow. Then after the meeting sent me a lovely message telling me that i would now lose the boys. She is really turning into a nasty vindictive and manipulative lovely member of society hmm. dc's workers were not impressed by these actions and i was pissed irked somewhat.
She has gone now and didn't really say goodbye to her sons in any meaningful way. The boys are pretty indifferent to her and haven't expressed any concerns about their mother. In the meantime life goes on as hectic as it is with my lil babe ill sad but he should perk up in a few days.

thankyou all thanks

Midwife99 Thu 14-Mar-13 09:52:39

Oh hun - I'm sure that now she has moved abroad everything will settle down & the legal process will continue & you'll get lots of support I hope? thanks

foolonthehill Thu 14-Mar-13 09:57:42

Just de lurking to say that I hope that now you can all settle down to a new and better life. I am so sad for you all, but can;t help thinking that the more distance there is between this woman and all of you the better. At least you won;t be fire fighting with stirring up the emotions all the time.

All the best to you.
take help from wherever it is offered.

Skyebluesapphire Thu 14-Mar-13 11:56:26

I agree, I feel sad for you and the DC, but once she has gone, hopefully you can settle down into a new life and routine. Ignore any irrelevant contact from her and just give her the basic facts on the boys welfare if she asks.

Its all about her now - in her mind - if she had any genuine concerns for your DC welfare to be left with you, then why would she be leaving?

As the others have said,, please make sure that you have the maximum support you can get, from friends, family and any authorities that help with your DC.

Make sure that you get out and about with your youngest. The Sure Start Childrens Centres provide brilliant groups and support. I hope he gets better soon

izzyizin Thu 14-Mar-13 14:41:51

The evil cow w has gone Skye. Together with the om, she has departed these shores to live in warmer climes having first done her level best to further destabilise the dc by requesting they be taken into care by SS.

I'm going to start SHOUTING at you now, dad, because, DESPITE THE SOUND ADVICE YOU'VE RECEIVED HERE to make it your FIRST PRIORITY, you have SINGULARLY FAILED to get your act together and CONSULT A SOLICITOR who specialises in divorce and family law.

I appreciate you were hoping madam would be back begging on her knees for you to overlook her infidelity and that this futile wish caused you to delay making an appointment for fear that instituting divorce proceedings would further harden her heart towards you, but surely you can now see the writing on the wall and have come to full realisation of the fact that there is NO WAY that she is going to be ANYTHING OTHER THAN DETERMINED to make life difficult for you and your boys?

PLEASE DON'T fall into the trap of complancy by thinking 'out of sight, out of mind' because, in the event that the om's family are well-heeled/well connected, and/or that the business they are allegedly intending to set up for their progeny thrives, your w will have no problem whatsoever in instituting proceedings in the UK Courts from her new location to apply for residency/contact Orders and, should she do so, she can at the very least be confident of requiring you to wave your boys off on regular trips to stay with their dm either here or in her sunny new home.

AS YOU HAVE BEEN REPEATEDLY TOLD, the main purpose of speaking to a solicitor is FIRST AND FOREMOST to SECURE THE STABILITY OF YOUR DC by obtaining a residency Order and if you continue to make excuses for your inaction delay, YOU WILL miss the legal aid boat.

Put your clear-headed hat on, get back to the solicitors who asked if you had proof of income and tell them 'yes you have' and you need an appointment not later than 28 March. If they cannot accomodate you, get the yellow pages out, source other local solicitors who specialise in divorce and family law, phone around, and don't be reluctant to stretch the truth because, to all intents and purposes, at this point in time you qualify for legal aid entitlement and the OBJECTIVE is to get you sat in front of a solicitor before the end of this month.

Bear in mind that it is the solicitor who makes application for legal aid and you are simply required to sign the appropriate forms confirming that you've told the truth about your income, or lack of it. In your case you'll be asked to consent to the Legal Aid Board making whatever checks they deem necessary with whatever government agencies you are receiving, or have applied to receive, benefits from.

Although it may take some time for child benefit to be made over into your name, the fact you've applied should be sufficient to establish your entitlement to legal aid BEFORE THE RULES CHANGE and this entitlement will carry through after the end of March, at which time the solicitor who has made the application can begin proceedings for residency, write a letter to your HA which should concentrate their mind on transferring the tenancy to you free and clear of arrears, chivvy the Child Benefit Agency,and institute divorce proceedings if you are so inclined.

If you take a look at my numerous other responses to OPs on this board, you'll see that I rarely rant in the way I've done here and I trust you'll understand that the reason I'm trying to get you off your bum giving you a hard time is due to my genuine concern for the welfare and wellbeing of you and your boys in the longer term.

One thing's for sure, dad. You haven't heard the last of her and I'm IMPLORING you to be proactive now and do your utmost to protect your boys and get yourself the peace of mind that will enable you not to dread what the postman may deliver at some future date when, unless you have got megabucks stashed under your mattress, you may find yourself up against hotshot lawyers without any recourse to legal advice/support.

A good solicitor is worth their weight in gold. Do yourself a favour, dad, and get yourself one TODAY.

izzyizin Thu 14-Mar-13 16:01:19

complancy? Jeez <smacks fickle fingers> 'complacency' is what they should have typed.

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