i dont know what to do :(

[dadwithbaby]

I am a stay at home father looking after 5 boys youngest just turnt 2 having problems with the teenagers. My partner of 17 years was abused physically and sexually as a child but has been trying to carry on with life. That all changed a few weeks ago when all the past was brought up when our son was having a counselling session. She now walks away from me i am not allowed to show any affection (cuddles) or am i allowed to tell her how special she is. She says she cannot be in a relationship while she sorts herself out. I love her more than anything and it is tearing me apart thinking that she may no longer love me and also that she is going through this alone. She is now withdrawn secretive and staying out and it doesnt help that i feel low at times from the isolation of looking after the boys. I just dont know where to turn or how i can help my beautiful wife who is my world. When alone i just want to break down and cry and to be honest have done a number of times after she has said some hurtful things. :'( help please

[pollypandemonium]

My my what a tragic situation you have. I have just read your thread all the way through (it's very late) and am feeling very very sad for your sons. It seems as though they have been rejected by their mother and it may have been going on since birth. If she was sexually abused when she was a child it is quite possible that she has never been able to bond with them simply because they are boys. I hope that one day they will get enough psychological support to understand what has happened and that it was not entirely their mother's fault, it is to do with the way she has been hurt by men in the past.

I can understand why you sympathised with her and tried to support her through her ordeal but it clearly wasn't going to work until she got the support she needed. What she is doing now is simply going off the rails - she may recover and she may not. It is likely that she is taking drugs to deal with her emotions. The very act of leaving so many children, when they are so young may be too much guilt for her to cope with and she will need every bit of strength to live with that guilt in the future.

But she is not the important person here, the children must take priority. It is important that you don't get angry with her (I know she has treated you abominably and her behaviour is completely unacceptable) but it will be in your childrens best interests if you can focus on them instead.

Time heals all and it may be that in the future she will find a way to recover and your children will find a way to understand and forgive her behaviour. I do hope that they can come to terms with what is happening and that you can be the best you can for them. Being rejected by your mother is the worst psychological pain that anyone can feel - it is important that you help them to understand that she is not rejecting them, she just doesn't know how to love them properly and one day perhaps she will learn to do so.

You will know by now that being a full time parent means putting yourself last and putting life on hold while you give their lives the best you can. Right now you are all they've got and you will have to focus on them and make their life with you the very best it can be. Good luck.

[dadwithbaby]

Thankyou for your response polly but to be honest bonding with the boys in the past was never an issue. She is was very close to the eldest she is not simply going off the rails all that she has done so far has been premeditated . She has bullshitted lied to both me and her sons. Not only that she has distanced herself from us all and any support that was offered (professional). Guilt is not an emotion that she experiences as when she left she told us "we needed to learn a lesson" left out the part where she was sleeping with another man . I really do hope that she realises the implications of what she is doing but i doubt it will happen for sometime as she has want she wants atm.

I know that the boys are the priority and i wish i could be angry with her but im not im disappointed and hurt. Time doesn't heal all it just allows scars to form. The fallout is going to be huge as even now she is still lying to the eldest (my stepson) which is surprising seeing as how close they are were. She knows how to love its just shes directing her love elsewhere.

I know that in this whole episode i am of least importance the boys come first and will always do so.

[izzyizin]

That's the spirit, dad... tell it how it is for you - which is fucking damn hard work picking up the pieces she broke when she pulled the rug from under you and your boys.

You're absolutely correct in saying time doesn't heal, albeit its passing allows us to reach an accomodation with our grief and sorrow which can lead to new happiness.

[pollypandemonium]

Sorry OP, I am trying to get a picture here of her relationship with the children and with you. I got the feeling from your posts that you were stay at home Dad because she wouldn't do it as she prefered not to look after the children. You say she bonded with them in the past - did that change immediately after the counselling session?

The fact that the change in her behaviour has come so suddenly after her childhood abuse being brought up (as you mention in your OP) makes me wonder whether this is as premeditated as you say.

The lies and the distancing may be a part of her breakdown. Perhaps she is hiding behind the other man, perhaps he is abusive too and perhaps that makes her feel normal. I don't know, but I think it's very likely that she is incapable of supporting you or her children and it is also very likely that in her heart she would very much want to be part of your lives - she just can't do it at the moment because she is in a very dark place. It is a complex situation and you need to look beyond the behaviours and disengage and if you possibly can, forgive her, in order to help your children. If they are very close to their mother (except recently) they will feel a huge sense of loss.

[dadwithbaby]

Thankyou for the responses. :)
Your right izzy time just allows us to deal with the pain and teaches us useful lessons which can lead to happiness.
Polly I am a stay at home dad and have been for around 5 years. My wife at the time wanted a career so i gave up mine to concentrate on the children. In regards to the last child she made it clear that she would not stay at home and look after him as her "work" was too important to her.
As for the change after the counselling session that just screwed up their plans forced her hand. It was premeditated planned for around 6 months the lies and distancing are just a symptom of her self validation poor me syndrome she is more concerned with how she looks to the outside world than how her children perceive her.
Its quite simple really she wants her cake and to eat it, not once has she shown any remorse. Her new man is a bastard manipulative piece of shit but that cannot justify the choices she has made :/ . She is capable of supporting the boys she is choosing not to; whether or not she is in a dark place or not its difficult to see through all the bullshit lies. If she was seeking help for her past why turn down all offers of professional support, she has thrown herself totally in with this new man has left her job and is leaving the country that in itself hardly seems dark.

Anyway the oldest son now knows she is planning to leave and to say he is pissed is an understatement she has been telling him that they are looking for a place to live and that he could have his own room there, now he knows it was all a lie just to buy time.
I am dreading having to tell the younger boys as they already feel abandoned and her leaving the country would just be another kick in the teeth.

Once again I do not hate her it would probably be so much easier if i did. Its not a question of if i can forgive her its more a case of can the boys forgive and im afraid the longer this goes on the more unlikely it is. :(

[izzyizin]

Here I come banging the same old drum, dad.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE book an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law.

You were advised to do this when you first posted some 6 weeks ago and I am getting increasingly concerned that, if you don't consult a solicitor soon, you'll miss out on your current legal aid entitlement as this benefit won't be available to you, or anyone else for that matter, after the end of March.

You don't necessarily need to petition to divorce immediately but you do need to secure residency for your boys, and also get the tenancy of your home transferred into your sole name free and clear of rent arrears so that you can apply to move to another property asap if that is what you feel will be in the best interests of your dc.

In addition if, by chance, your w came to be in possession of sufficient funds to launch a custody battle from Greece after the end of March and you have not secured your boys future in the UK you will, to put it mildly, be stuffed as the cost of defending any such proceedings will be beyond your means and you'll be reduced to representing yourself against what may be a formidable legal team acting for your w.

Further, your w's selfishness has been profoundly unsettling for your dc and they need the security of knowing that, although their dm has effectively abandoned them their df is not only there for them now, he's also making sure that he's always going to be there them by taking the necessary legal steps to ensure they can't be taken from him.

Don't miss the boat, dad. The forthcoming changes to legal aid entitlement are causing solciitors' diaries to become fully booked through March and the sooner you make an appointment the better.

[dadwithbaby]

Izzy you can put away the drum now I have booked an appointment to see a solicitor. Reason and suspicion have trumped over foolish hope the shit has been removed from my eyes I am clear in what i must do yes I am going for residence and the house....divorce im thinking seriously about on the grounds of her adultery and abandonment.
I fully understand the point you make in regards to security and ensuring that the boys know that i will not abandon them. The way the shit has hit the fan things have developed so rapidly in the last few days causes me to be extremely concerned in relation to her intent especially towards the youngest. If she thinks she is going to fuck off travel with my son she can forget it, not gonna happen.
She walked out before they had all their ducks in a row so to speak and the clock is indeed ticking.
I have been many things naive gullible and a fool but mess with my children and the gloves come off.
Intervention for my son who self harms has been stepped up since i informed them that she intends to leave within the month this is going to be another kick that the boys do not deserve.
I'm still not sure how to tell them lets be honest she isn't going to tell the truth and she hasn't got to deal with the fallout . Its going to be shit difficult for the next few weeks at least.

[Jux]

Good on you, dad. You sound less ground down, too.

[Skyebluesapphire]

well done dad.

throughout this you have put your kids first and it is evident that you will do your best for them.

yes, you will have tough times ahead, it is always the innocent party who ends up having to deal with the kids and see their sadness and fear. The party who has walked away sees none of it.

Get your legal advice, know exactly where you stand and start the divorce asap.

[izzyizin]

As for the passports she's already taken hers and i cant remember where i hid the others lol

If the above isn't a tongue in cheek comment and you literally can't remember where you've hidden your dcs passports, I suggest you turn the place over to locate them - together with their birth certs - asap, stash them in an ultra safe place, and keep them under lock and key even after you've secured residency.

[dadwithbaby]

Thankyou for your responses.

Jux i am ground down, fed up i could go on but at the moment you could say i'm compartmentalising. The "me" part is not important its all about the boys.

Skyblue thankyou I will try my best for the boys :)

Izzy thanks for that comment read it at 1.30am scuttled around the house to secure said documents . They are secure and will be removed from the house for safekeeping

Well today the house feels like a morgue the wife decided to actually turn up and spent just over half an hour taking the baby out (sounds ok so far). Then she comes in and decides to tell the boys she's going on holiday for a while to cyprus and as she goes to walk out adds i might stay there. My selfish inconsiderate wife then walks out leaving me to answer the boys questions.
She's leaving on the 13th and to be honest im really pissed irked. I can honestly say i that i would never have thought her capable of abandoning the boys but she has but its the manner in which she did it. It was all matter of fact there was no reassurance towards the boys.

The boys feel as if she doesn't care and i can fully understand that. They wont speak to her and it breaks my heart to think the boys feel unloved and unwanted :'( .

I have again made it clear that they can come to me at anytime and i will do my best to answer their questions but more importantly I have made it very clear I am not going anywhere and nor are they.
This household at the moment is a train crash not going to sugar coat it. I cant believe that a mother would be so inconsiderate and unfeeling towards her own children. This is going to leave a nasty scare on the boys and i feel so fucking angry that shes done that. She had the nerve to ask if I was alright after she dropped her bombshell walking out the door "i still want to be friends" last words said. What the hell ; shes totally shafted destroyed her sons. Doesn't feel/express a single hint of regret/sorrow. I am struggling to remain civil but do so purely for the boys.
I don't think that she is coming back and if she does she can fuck off do one. No child deserves to be treated in such a way as a parent we are suppose to do our best to nuture and encourage them not take them apart bit by bit then throw them to the wind

I cant wait for the solicitors appointment now... Its time for all this to end and for the boys to see that there is a future for them which is secure and in which they know they are loved and supported.

Once again thankyou for reading and responding

[Jux]

They've got you. They are so lucky. It doesn't seem,like that at the moment, probably, but you are their rock and you will always be there for them. It's no wonder they're feeling anxious, and the sooner she gets out of their lives, the better. What she's doing now is awful, and none of you can adjust to her absence properly until that absence is complete. Poor little boys; poor you.

Well done finding the documents. Do babies need their own passports now, or do they go on a parent's?

I hope your solicitor's appt is not far off now. You need to get residency, and other things in place to ensure that legally you have the boys. She must be stopped definitively from messing them up more (and you).

If you were a woman, we would be advising you not to let her in the house, but to arrange contact to take place somewhere else. I'm not sure whether you would consider that? There's not long until she goes, so you may not think it necessary.

Stay strong for your lads, dad. You will make it.

[izzyizin]

Once she's gone, you'll find the pall she's cast over your home will lift and you'll see your way clear to ensuring that your boys become settled and secure in a very different manner to that which they've experienced before as it's inevitable that they picked up on their dm's discontent by osmosis long before you became aware of her duplicity.

Unless she and her paramour have access to considerable financial resources, it's probable your w's idyll will end in tears as Cyprus has not escaped the economic recession which has devasted Greece. His recreational subsances will be cheaper, as will be the cost of living overall, but without work or access to benefits the dream life she's most probably envisaging will soon turn into a nightmare where even relentlessy sunny days won't be able to lift her mood.

But that's what's ahead for her once it's a done deal in that she's left these shores. For you and your boys, however, athough the outlook may seem bleak at the moment you will find that the summer will see you all in a far better place mentally and emotionally and the future will seem infinitely brighter than it has done in the past.

When's your solicitor's appointment?

[Homebird8]

Grrrr. Of course you can't be friends. The woman is in cloud cuckoo land. As if you could be friends with anyone who purposely hurts your children!

Through all your pain and grief you are sounding more structured in your thinking though. I'm glad you managed to lay your hands on the travel documents. Have you got them stored away from the house yet? If you are suspicious then trust your instincts and don't allow any contact you are unsure about.

Is there any way you can help the children make some sort of a goodbye to their mother? I'm thinking that as their whole world has changed and the mother they thought they had seems to have gone maybe you should help them to proceed almost as if she had died. Our boys (7 and 5 at the time) have dealt with a death of a very close family member by writing letters and drawing pictures to explain their feelings. Perhaps writing letters, never to be sent, might help? Oh, what do I know? You know your boys and you are their constancy. You should be very proud of yourself.

I am desperate to hear that you have followed Izzy's advice. Go and see that solicitor and protect yourself legally. Don't be daunted. It's the best and safest think to do for both you and your wonderful DCs.

Sending you a squeeze of support and another . Look after you.

[Skyebluesapphire]

What is it with these idiots. They think that they can devastate your life and your childs and you will still want to be friends with them! I had exactly the same thing with XH. "I want us to be friends". This is after walking out with no prior warning, taking DD into another room and telling her that he was going to live somewhere else, texting OW all day and night when we were supposed to be "working things out" .

Of course you can't be friends. The most you can be is barely civil. I don't see XH or speak to him. We communicate by text and email. If your W is leaving the country, then that is the only communication that you will have with her.

Get yourself legally protected as Izzy says, look after your boys, call on all the family, friends and professional help that you can.

Keep your boys secure and they will know that you are and always will be there for them.

[pollypandemonium]

She is going through a breakdown and she is incapable of looking after her children and it makes sense to her to retain the hostile environment because it helps her to avoid dealing with the trauma she has been through. It will also help her to stay on the drugs she is probably taking with her new man. She can't commit suicide so she's leaving.

Try to bear this in mind and it may help you to move forward without the hostility. I have every sympathy for you and the children but people don't switch like that without a good reason. Mental illness always comes in disguise.

[Jux]

Polly, sorzry but I disagree. dad's story has reminded me so much of a woman I was friends with until last year, when she upped and left her dh and children (married for 15 years, children 15 and 12) for another man. She was bored. Bored! Her xh and children have moved away now and she and her man live in the old house. No trauma, just boredom.

[izzyizin]

Read the thread, polly.

Many things come in disguise including lust.

[pollypandemonium]

Its the revelation of childhood sexual abuse mentioned in the OP, the timing of this and the behaviour that leads me to the conclusion that she's having a breakdown. Also the fact that she seems to keep coming back and hanging about but doesn't seem to know how to engage with the children, where before she was a bonded mother.

[headinhands]

My dm did this when I was 7. It must be one looooong breakdown because she was and still is unconcerned about having any meaningful relationship with me. She went on to marry the man she left my dad for and they're still happily married from what I can gather.

Some women, just like some men, can and do decide they no longer want to be part of a family they have made and it doesn't have to be a breakdown.

There is a tendency to think of it more in those terms when it's the mother that leaves. I think it's because it goes against all the gender stereotypes of selfless devoted mothers whereas it's easier to forgive a father for doing the same as it's not so socially shocking.

Anyway, sorry op for the hijack. Am following your thread with interest because of what I've been through and cheering you on all the way.

[Jux]

I would suggest that the most likely, and simplest, explanation for not engaging with her children is because she long ago detached from them sufficiently to find another man, plan leaving those children behind and plan leaving the country.

Guilt? Shame? Tbh, it really doesn't look like it. More likely bored and filling in time.

[Jux]

Also, Polly, if this woman wants support and understanding then she'll ask for it. She hasn't asked for it on this thread, and speculation as to her state of mind and motivation is really not particularly helpful to the op, who has asked for support, understanding and advice on this very thread. do you really think that your speculations are helping him move on sufficiently to deal with the life his ex has dumped on him, is helping him to deal with his traumatised children? Forget her.

[Piemother]

What an arsehole (her).
Op - wrt keeping things together for the boys it's business as usual and routine as much as you can. The less things change and or are recognisable for them they easier it will be.

[ShotgunNotDoingThePans]

OP, please ignore if you think this is completely barking up the wrong tree or out of order. I know MH issues can't be diagnosed on tinternet (least of all by me), and I know that this label can be easily bandied about with little grounds.
But your ex's behaviour sounds remarkably close to descriptions I've read of narcissism.

As I say, I'm not coming from a knowledgeable or experienced place (other than suspecting family members of displaying some of the traits).

Anyway, I do feel for you and your situation and I would guess you on your own are several times better for your boys than as a couple with their mother.
I apogise if this causes upset - please ask for the post to be deleted if it offends.

[pollypandemonium]

Jux people with mental illness usually don't know they've got it. The point is that she is avoiding dealing with the issue of childhood sexual abuse and that's sent her over the edge. None of this is fair to anyone but any blame should be directed at the person that abused her and not at her as that would be self-defeating - the children won't benefit from hatred towards her.