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Am I in the wrong

(54 Posts)
fortythreeandnearlyfit Fri 02-Nov-12 14:23:49

Ok - so partner and I have a simmering argument. I feel taken for granted.
So, I bring it up - try to say how I feel. I say I feel unloved, unsupported and unattractive. I tell him that I love him, love his company etc.
All he says back is "you are being stupid" "you have got this nonsence into your head" Nothing else. No reasurrance, no "i love you as you are". Nothing. He then says that arguing "is wearing him out". He will say "im not arguing any more" and go silent.
Its like a stone wall and its really getting me down. He tells me I am arguing with myself and he has done nothing wrong. He also has a habit of ignoring me for a while if i try to address things with him.
Is this me being needy?

ClippedPhoenix Fri 02-Nov-12 14:29:27

Who knows OP but I'd distance myself a bit and just get on with my own things for a while. Don't tell him how you feel etc. then he can't accuse you of being needy.

Also stop doing the things you feel he is taking you for granted for.

CajaDeLaMemoria Fri 02-Nov-12 14:30:59

Did this just happen?

It's difficult, because although you'd have liked him to respond by saying he loves you, it was unlikely. He probably felt attacked, and attacked back - I'm not justifying that, I'm just explaining why he felt the need to defend himself rather than say what you wanted him to say.

Also, him responding saying he loved you wouldn't have meant anything because you had to prompt it. You feel unloved because he doesn't typically show it, and that's what needs to change. Has he behaved any differently since? Came to give you a kiss randomly/sent you a lovely text/made you breakfast in bed? Done anything that could show that he has taken what you said on board?

If he just ignores it, that's a big problem. He should be unhappy that you are unhappy, and try to solve that. If he doesn't, I'd be taking that as a big sign about the current state of the relationship. It will take effort on his part to fix this, and if he doesn't bother trying, it doesn't say much about his investment and commitment to the relationship.

HellonHeels Fri 02-Nov-12 14:32:55

You know, there's no law that says you have to stay with him. What's good about him? He sounds thoroughly horrible, based only on this brief snapshot.

Why do you love someone and enjoy their company who tells you 'you're being stupid' and gives you the silent treatment whenever you try to discuss things with him?

fortythreeandnearlyfit Fri 02-Nov-12 14:40:34

Well its been brewing a bit from my end. Pent up.
He has been pretty remote for a while. Cancelling things at the last minute and when I ask why he will say its his work. He never texts me He never apologises. No breakfast in bed, I drive everywhere.
We had a huge row over summer- and he finished with me for a month.
We were talking this week about things and he said he is going to see his friends for a weekend, he cant take me as he has told them we had finished (during the summer) and it would be embarrassing for him to explain it. That hurt but he doesnt see it that way. "why are you getting upset?" is his favourite saying.
Actually his company isnt that great tbh

fortythreeandnearlyfit Fri 02-Nov-12 14:42:10

Yep I need to finish this relationship!

WhoNickedMyName Fri 02-Nov-12 14:44:06

How long have you been together?

What exactly was the argument about? You feel taken for granted - why? Is there a recurrent theme - housework/him going out, that kind of thing?

What did he mean with his comment about you having "this nonsence in your head" - what nonsence?

ClippedPhoenix Fri 02-Nov-12 14:50:07

Yes OP you need to do it as he will when he's got himself sorted another bird

fortythreeandnearlyfit Fri 02-Nov-12 15:01:29

WhoNicked. I think he means I am behaving hysterically by feeling like this.

We finished in the summer: we had gone away for a week and he wanted to know where the relationship was going. I said I wanted the relationship to continue but I felt that the fact he doesnt plan difficult. I always feel I am always about to be let down. We had a row on the way back about nothing much, I got upset, he said I was "weird" and ended the relationship there and then. He didnt get in touch for weeks and I was upset/hurt etc.
If I mention that silent time now (and some of the cruel things he said) he says "why are you bringing something up that happened a few months ago and said in anger"
THing is it eats at me.
I feel taken for granted as he doesnt ever do anything just for me. I do plenty for him.

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Fri 02-Nov-12 15:06:52

DO you live together? Have you DC together? If not, then TBH I think this relationship has run its course, and I also think you may be refusing to accept that he doesn't want to be with you any more, while he is being a wuss about telling you you're dumped.

pictish Fri 02-Nov-12 15:09:22

I wasn't sure either way until I read:

We were talking this week about things and he said he is going to see his friends for a weekend, he cant take me as he has told them we had finished (during the summer) and it would be embarrassing for him to explain it. That hurt but he doesnt see it that way. "why are you getting upset?" is his favourite saying.

Then I was sure. He does not see you as his equal, his partner, or someone worth considering. He can't be arsed vaildating you to his friends.

Fuck him right off.

EclecticWorkInProgress Fri 02-Nov-12 15:18:38

Hi fortythree,

He is dismissive towards your feelings because he doesn't want you to have any...think about it...then he can be rude as hell to you and not suffer any consequences. This dynamic is also known as: "He is using you".

I agree with the others. He has absolutely NO respect for you...and I will guess and say he never will. Some men are like that. Cut your losses and move on...and certainly don't lose any more sleep over him. He doesn't even sound like he'd be worth one pang of separation anxiety over...release and celebrate!

colditz Fri 02-Nov-12 15:21:45

Love, he's not going to see his friends, he's going to see another woman, who he is interested in, if not entangled with already, and this is why you can't go with him.

Please cut yourself free from hanging on his coattails

EclecticWorkInProgress Fri 02-Nov-12 15:22:42

Oh, and btw, the "pent up...brewing" on your part is your gut feeling giving off a signal that things are not right. It is often very difficult to find the right words (or even vocabulary) to put those feelings into words. This is why MN is so wonderful.

fortythreeandnearlyfit Fri 02-Nov-12 15:27:19

Ok..deep breath. Im going to finish it.
I cant rely on him at all. He just doesnt care. Whatever I say/whatever I do isnt good enough.
Do you what, he can fuck off. He doesnt respect me. One thing that has really got to me is that he diminishes my job. He says I spend all day chatting, taking cups of tea in cafes..my job has no pressure compared to his. Im a doctor for god sake. I am a newly qualified doctor and he cant even respect that.
His loss... Thanks

FastidiaBlueberry Fri 02-Nov-12 15:30:59

I agree with Colditz, I think he's already seeing someone else. It's very clear that he has no commitment to you whatsoever, but he probably finds it convenient for you to service him sexually and domestically until he can get that service from whoever he is lining up to replace you.

Instead of asking "how can I make this relationship work?" women should ask themselves "what is good about this relationship and why am I still in it?" Doesn't sound to me like being in the relationship is a good place to be for you, so why are you in it?

FastidiaBlueberry Fri 02-Nov-12 15:32:08

Fuckin' ell.

Cross posted.

He's saying you drink cups of tea all day when you are a newly qualified doctor?

You are so well shot of him.

Good for you, dump him and enjoy being single.

fortythreeandnearlyfit Fri 02-Nov-12 15:34:45

Colditz: Although obviously I cannot be 100% sure I dont think there is anyone else. I heard him making arrangements with his mate on the phone about the birthday weekend. There isnt any sneaking around with phones etc.
He is generally an angry individual, with a tendancy to being cruel.
He managed to have a fist fight with his friend the other weekend. He is 45 years old.
He has been telling me Ill end up lonely and old.....Me that is - not him.
O god now I look back and its ludicrous why I have tolerated this!!!

FastidiaBlueberry Fri 02-Nov-12 15:37:42

He sounds like an abuser tbh.

Putting you down and making you feel shit is the first step on the road to more violent abuse.

You are so well out of it.

ClippedPhoenix Fri 02-Nov-12 15:39:52

Don't beat yourself up OP about putting up with it. It takes us all a while for the "lightbulb" to go off. Just congratulate yourself that things are rather clear now.

pictish Fri 02-Nov-12 15:58:24

So he disses your excellent career as not worth a fuck as well, does he?

He has GOT to go!!

SolidGoldYESBROKEMYSPACEBAR Fri 02-Nov-12 16:09:24

Oh FFS love, bin already! And when he's gone, have a little think about some damaging ideas you may be holding, like being single is bad and that to catch and keep a man you have to put him first all the time and make all the effort...
He's a knob and you don't need him. You're a doctor, so you're clever and kind: value yourself more than this!

colditz Fri 02-Nov-12 16:26:09

You are a

DOCTOR?

Dude, seriously, you are going to get so adored by just about every man you ever meet, and you have been tolerating this irritating little pustule?

Ha! I wouldn't hire him to mow my lawn! And I am not a doctor wink

Fortythreeandnearlyfit Fri 02-Nov-12 16:53:58

Thanks all. Yes I was a nurse for years and 4 years ago bit the bullet and retrained. I've been working as an outreach basic doctor since and I love it. The bf would tell me as I spent most of my day travelling therefore didn't do much work. He would also say that I kept the nhs cafe franchise going. In reality I was slogging my guts out.
Because of my exams and studying i wanted to plan when to see him. He would never commit to that, change times at the last minute, cancel. I wanted to go ceroc dancing last week, he let me down on the day and then said 'what do you expect i was at work'. I'm not the kind of person who could do that and to me it's unreliable. So I'd be annoyed and then he would dismiss my annoyance as silly behaviour.
Tbh. I think he was seriously intimidated by me. He would say things like 'you got what you wanted now' but take no interest in the commitments and responsibilities I have. He also told me I was mad being committed to medicine. It's not my life but ive worked very hard for this.
I've text him to say that it's obvious to me that he isn't in this relationship and I don't want to continue. I doubt I'll hear anything now.

Fortythreeandnearlyfit Fri 02-Nov-12 16:59:22

.......have a little think about some damaging ideas you may be holding, like being single is bad and that to catch and keep a man you have to put him first all the time and make all the effort...
He's a knob and you don't need him. You're a doctor, so you're clever and kind: value yourself more than this!

This is something I need to address. Doctor aside I have chronically low self esteem. I could have done medicine from school but got no support from my parents. My mum was very lookist. She judged solely on how people looked and would tell me what to change to look more like the neighbour whom she thought was stunning! Becoming a doctor has gained me no recognition or interest from my mum. I've never done very well with men so I think I clung to this one as he is good looking and reasonably successful. Yet at work I'm popular and respected.

I need an emotional MOT.

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