This is about my brother.
There is a large and complicated backstory involving my brother and his 'victim' status. He suffers from low self esteem, anxiety and cyclical depression. I won't go into now as this post would be an essay! However, he is very loyal and 'proper'. He He wouldn't dream of laying a finger on a woman, believes in equality and is a bit of a romantic. He met his wife about eight years ago and she turned his life around. She helped him with his debts, he became happy with life for the first time, they married and very soon after had a child.
At first we all got on with her although she would sometimes behave oddly. She could be quite negative and critical of my brother, even doing it in front of our mother and friends and family. When mentioned to my brother he would just shrug and say 'that's just her'. After sometime he admitted that she herself had past struggles with depression and it affects her self esteem.
As time has gone by, her behaviour can be very inconsistent and frustrating. She can switch from being lovely to being moody and outright rude. She can also be quite self-absorbed e.g you can spend quite a bit of time with her without her once asking how you are. She is also very controlling, she controls the finances, all the decisions regarding the children and the house. 321We all put this down to this just being her.
She decided to move the whole family to the other side of the country, my brother didn't really have a choice in the matter, as it was a case of she would take the kids and go without him. I think he has always tried to convince himself he wanted to go. Being so far away makes it tricky for any of us in his family to know really whats going on. After a few long conversations with him recently, it seems her behaviour has become intolerable and controlling and he dreads going home each night.
It seems that over the last year she has become quite down and takes it out on my brother. He has started calling me to ask me if this is 'normal' behaviour between spouses.
Examples include her telling him she doesn't respect him due to him earning less than her. She can't bear the idea of spending the rest of her life with him
She wishes she never had children with him
Telling him he should be moving out. Then changing her mind because it would upset the children. She does apologise but as my brother said, this comments ring loudly in his head and makes him feel like shit.
She has very strict rules in the house which can often make visiting quite uncomfortable for family. If he deviates from these, she has certain sanctions in place which if he challenges it usually descends into an argument which he admits ends up with her throwing things then disappearing out of the house for hours leaving him with the children. He said he wouldn't dream of doing this and if he did, she would go ballistic. She has a social life and insists on going out quite a few nights a week yet creates my brother wants to go anywhere.
He also told me that he feels like he is a visitor in the house and like he has no claim over anything. He feels violated by her family who regularly come in and out and breach his personal boundaries. I don't think his name is on the mortgage as she purchased the house. I think this is something he has only recently discovered although may not be sure about this.
She does have counselling, so does he in fact and I believe they are attempting marriage counselling but I don't think it is going well.
I know my brother is hard to live with. He can be a pain when he gets miserable. He is not great with money (he has none) and he is not very responsible and can be forgetful, but he is a great father and adores his kids. He constantly feels insecurity as she holds all the cards. He is terrifed of losing his kids.
What can I do to help? I am rapidly beginning to dislike her and want to call her up and challenge her. I hate, hate her behaviour and when I saw my bro the other day he looked terrible. He is on medication and overeating compulsively, and is in danger of losing his job. I know she is largely at the route of this, yet he often makes excuses for her behaviour.
Any constructive advice or action he can take? I know he is going to call me tonight and talk more about it.
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Is this what they call emotional abuse? Re: a family member
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Namechangeyetagain · 12/10/2012 15:14
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