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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Night out with male friend.

60 replies

ThreeEdgedSword · 04/10/2012 22:11

I have a weekend to myself coming up, and have arranged for a night out. Not with my DP, but with a mutual male friend. The plan is to go out, have a great time, crash at his then come home at some point the next day. I see absolutely no problem with this, it is a purely platonic friendship.

However.

I am wary of telling DP because of the comments he makes when I see this friend. He teases me about going on "dates" with his friends. Now, most of the time I know he's joking, but sometimes I wonder if there's real insecurity behind them. So now I almost scared to tell him I'm spending the weekend with this guy, even though it would be lovely to just be away from everything for a couple of days.

WWYD?

OP posts:

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Megmog2005 · 04/10/2012 22:16

Put it back to you. WWYT if your DP wanted to go out with female friend and crash at her's for the night? Why not just have a great evening out with your DP?

ThreeEdgedSword · 04/10/2012 22:18

DP and I live together, it's just nice to get away once in a while, you know?

I wouldn't have an issue with it, it's already happened a few times he has a lot of female friends, but I don't comment on it because I don't see it as a big deal.

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mameulah · 04/10/2012 22:18

Honestly, I wouldn't go. For me that is up there with 'inviting the wolf into your home.' And also, I would absolutely hate it if my dh was going to do the same thing with another woman. Does it not all go back to that 'When Harry Met Sally' thing, that men and women cannot be friends because sex always gets in the way.

ThreeEdgedSword · 04/10/2012 22:30

I see your point, but DP has lots of close female friends (he used to live with two of them, no sex involved) and all my closest friends are male (I shared a house with three, again no sex). I'm just worried he might see it as something sordid even though it's not, I don't want to upset him but I also don't want to feel like I can't have my night out.

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purpleroses · 04/10/2012 22:34

Do you need to stay over at your friend's? I see absolutely no reason not to go for a night out with a male friend - and I'd be quite put out if my DP were to suggest I shouldn't. But I'd always expect to come home to him later, even if I was crawling in quite late. Similarly I'd have no problem with him going out with a female friend but would feel it unecessary for him to stay out all night.

AnAssumedIdentity · 04/10/2012 22:35

I think that the very fact you're asking for advice shows that that you know there is a problem with this situation. If you were happy about it, you wouldn't be looking for approval - don't do it.

myroomisatip · 04/10/2012 22:41

If you are wary of telling him it is because I think, you know he wouldnt be happy.

If he wouldnt be happy why would you do it?

wednesdaygirl · 04/10/2012 22:42

If you cant tell then theres guilt
With guilt comes lies

So u have a fab weekend with friend but when dp asks if you had fun/details you will have to lie

Lies catch you up

zippey · 04/10/2012 22:42

If you're happy with the decision, go for it. As long as you are clear in your mind then there isnt a reason to be ashamed. You dont have to tell your husband if you dont want to.

babyhammock · 04/10/2012 22:47

I feel totally different about this now, but basically after leaving a very abusive ex who isolated me from virtually all my friends, I would never again let a partner (if I had one) stop me seeing my friends or dictate how I spend my time with them.

At the end of the day this friend of yours is just a friend so why the hell shouldn't you have the same night out with him as you would a female friend..end of :)

AnyFucker · 04/10/2012 22:50

Just tell your partner lies about where you are

That should work

You want to spend the night at your male friends house this much, yeah ?

ThreeEdgedSword · 04/10/2012 22:58

Okay, the assumption seems to be that I'm planning to lie. I'm not, but I am kinda considering not telling DP till after I get back. That way he can't have too much of a go because there's no point

On a serious note, thank you for the advice. I am just going to tell him what I'm doing, and if he doesn't like it he can shove it, I'm not doing anything wrong.

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Feckbox · 04/10/2012 22:59

Just tell him that's what you plan to do.

AnyFucker · 04/10/2012 22:59

That is lying by omission. Still lying.

Of course you should do exactly what you like. My husband can do exactly what he likes, we all can.

Megmog2005 · 04/10/2012 23:05

It's wrong and you know it is. I feel a little sorry for your DP. I may be old fashioned, but I want to spend every night in bed with my DP, and, I would want him to feel the same.

Imsosorryalan · 04/10/2012 23:10

Are you and your friend absolutely sure you don't want to take it any further? After a few drinks?
If the answer is yes, then there seems to be no problems, women and men can be friends without strings attached
You could always remind dp of all the times he's been out with female friends and you've said nothing

ThatAwfulWoman · 04/10/2012 23:11

This is a reason why I'm reluctant to get into a 'proper' relationship again. I have a few male friends and we are JUST friends. We have a laugh and if that involves a late night then crashing at each other's places is fine. Nothing has ever happened nor would it. I recently met up with my first ever boyfriend and we had a great evening (didn't stay at anyone's house though). His fiancee was at home, knew he was with me, absolutely no problem. I don't really know why people get so sensitive about this, and I couldn't be with someone who did but it seems a lot do.

But I think it would be better to tell him outright what you are doing though. It's not good to have secrets. Then if he gets annoyed you can have a sensible discussion about it.

ThreeEdgedSword · 04/10/2012 23:16

There is absolutely nothing romantic or sexual between me and this friend!

TBH I am still struggling with the whole asserting myself thing, ex was a controlling prick, so I think I make more of a big deal of these things than I should.

I would be staying at my friend's house, because we're doing something the next day, and I can't afford the cab home as well as a night out, and he can't drive me back because he'll be drinking. I'll only be sleeping on the sofa!

I am slightly amazed at some of the opinions on male/female friendships. Is it really such a big deal?

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Mumsyblouse · 04/10/2012 23:17

If this guy is really a mutual friend, surely he'll mention it casually to your partner? If not (as I suspect) I think you are looking for approval for something you know is on the borderline of what people usually do when in relationships. Nothing wrong with going out with male friends, I have plenty, and if I was terribly drunk and stayed over one time, so be it, but intentionally planning an entire weekend with a male friend, staying over, without telling your partner in advance, most odd and very deceptive and is bound to set his radar off even if it is entirely innocent. Many male/female friendships do have complicated dynamics, which makes it a little different than staying over with a female friend, even if you personally don't fancy the guy (he may like you).

Feckbox · 04/10/2012 23:20

It's not wrong !

AnyFucker · 04/10/2012 23:20

it's a "big deal" to your partner, since he is already putting the feelers out with his oh-so-casual comments about your "dates" with male friends

I guess it's totally your choice whether you intentionally push it further, despite knowing it bothers him (as it would many people in a committed relationship) for the sake of a night out. I wouldn't. Some people would.

Opentooffers · 04/10/2012 23:24

Having friends of the opposite sex is fine, perhaps less of an issue as he is a mutual friend. If your DP feels it should be ok for him to stay over at a female's house, then the same rules should apply to you.
Not something that a lot of people would be comfortable with, but if he does it too then he can't really say much. All the same, better for it to be out in the open I would think, unless he didn't mention it to you until after the event.

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Mumsyblouse · 04/10/2012 23:24

Not a big deal to have a male friend, and many such friendships are completely platonic, but many aren't. I wouldn't be happy with my husband doing this, a night out, great, but not staying over for a weekend, not appropriate for us. We don't know just how platonic this friendship is, you may swear blind it is, and plenty of people have them, so it's not impossible, but there's plenty of relationships have started as friends or people have done silly things with friends when drunk.

I would be honest and let him know of your plans, otherwise it will look like you have something to hide.

FizzyLaces · 04/10/2012 23:27

Hmm, my DP would not mind me going out with male friends at all. He might be a bit uncomfortable about me staying over, though. I would be too if it was the other way round... I have a home, I go home to it after every night out unless it is out of town.

ThreeEdgedSword · 04/10/2012 23:30

It's a couple of towns over, no public transport after 12 and a £25 cab ride home. Plus going alone in the taxi, which I'm not keen on.

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