he refuses to apologise...should I let it go?

[jammiedodger79]

Hi ladies,

I would really appreciate your views on whether you think I should make a big issue of this or let it go for a quiet life as I'm 4 weeks away from giving birth and pretty tearful and hormonal right now!

For the last few days my husband completley shut off from me for no apparent reason, has been totally miserable and I've been lucky to get a grunt in response to my attempts to start any conversations with him. I am on my own, feel very isolated in my flat due to my pregnancy and he is the main person I see at the moment. After being in the house all day, making sure all housework, dinners etc are done I get nothing from him whatsoever!
He has been making me feel totally worthless and increasingly grateful if he says more than a couple of words to me, and everything i say feels like I am just an annoyance to him.
I am a really laid back and generally happy person, I give him his space, don't ask for alot, never nag him about anything. He works during the day, goes to football 4x a week and I never complain about being on my own most of the time. Any time he spends at home is mostly with him on the internet. I really can't see how anything I have done could give him any reason to treat me like this. Also as soon as his phone rings he is all lovely and comes alive to whoever is speaking to him, it seems this behaviour is purely reserved for me.
For example,On our way to our antenatal class on saturday I was looking forward to it as it was the first day out together for ages and on the way there I made a few comments about how I was looking forward to it and what a good day it should be and he basically told me to shut up and stop going on about it. Ruined a potentially fun day!
It all got too much and I had it out with him on Sunday, calmly over dinner and he just said he's stressed. No apology, no recognition that he had upset me for days and just carried on being miserable.
Last night again I brought it up and tried to explain that if he is stressed (which he admits he has nothing really to be stressed about) then I am more than happy to listen, support him and do what I can to help him but am not here for him to take it out on. He will not see that he owes me an apology and flatly refused to say sorry and that I should stop being so self centred and just thinking of myself.
Is it not just basic manners to apologise when you have treated someone like crap? I could have been over it days ago if he only said that one word but now I feel like he has no respect for me or my feelings at all.
He has never ever aplologised to me off his own back for anything the whole time we have been together.
I have had no choice but to let it go, I don't want the build up to the birth to be horrible and believe me if I press the point he could go weeks without speaking to me and I can't stand it and always crack first and end up saying sorry for things I haven't done just because I don't want a miserable life!
We have had this issue in the past and I am convinced he can be very passive aggressive but recently this has seemed better although I have found myself playing the role of a good little housewife and letting so many things pass to keep the peace.
I love him, I wouldn't be with him otherwise but this is really grinding away at me and I am feeling that if I can't make him see that I deserve an apology when he has done wrong then its going to be a massive problem in the future.

Please let me know if I need to press this point, or just let it go. I'm upset and confused!

Thanks!

[TheWonderfulFanny]

Wow. He sounds horribly selfish and self centred, and not like he's planning on being an active father at all.

Unless he changes radically, you're going to be a single parent to one newborn and one man child.

Does he have any good points?

[puds11]

Any chance he is having an affair?

[GoldenGeek]

Why are you doing so much round the house and getting dinner ready etc when he is being so horrible to you? Do not let it go, ignore his sulks, try to focus on yourself.

[izzyizin]

'Press the point or let it go'?

I'd let him go now because men like him can only go one way which is from bad to worse.

[delilahlilah]

Maybe he is in a panic now the birth is so close? I would suggest you have think about how the relationship has been over the last year or so and what you would like to change. Then try to talk to him, calmly. Explain how you feel, and what you would like to happen and ask him to respond. If you want to get anywhere, I would avoid any 'you make me feel' type statements as he will just get defensive and clam up. It's usually better to go with 'when X happens, I feel like this' or try to look at positive ways to fix it rather than looking for blame.
It's not a good time for you to feel like this, but you really need to resolve it before you have the baby as things will be more stressful with lack of sleep etc.

[TheProvincialLady]

Someone will be along shortly to tell you that your husband is depressed because you are pregnant and he is worried about the imminent baby. That is almost certainly bollocks, unless your husband has had a recent personality change (which seems unlikely as you say he has never apologised to you during the whole of your relationship, and has always acted in this passive aggressive selfish way).

I doubt he will change. Are you prepared to live like this forever?

[jammiedodger79]

Hi,

He does have his good points when he isn't in his moody phase, and when he isn't being a complete stubborn arse I love being with him. I just can't stand the fact that he he seems to think he is above saying sorry...its like it would be a big bruise on his ego to admit he could ever be in the wrong let alone try to make up for it.
He is looking forward to babies arrival and has been reading all the manuals etc so I think he will be hands on.
Just wish I could make him see that everyone makes mistakes, all I am asking for is a simple sorry to let me draw a line under whatever happens. Its so frustrating ! All I know is he has to address it because I can't stand it.

[ladyWordy]

No, jammie, as you've probably guessed, letting it go won't change anything. On the other hand pursuing it might result in surprising consequences too.

Let me put it this way: this isn't a massive problem for the future but a potentially a massive problem building up right now. For example:

1. I am on my own, feel very isolated in my flat due to my pregnancy and he is the main person I see at the moment.
   
   Why are you stuck at home like this, and do you have friends and family you can see? Note you don't have to answer or give details, it's just a question that pops up in my mind.
   
   
2. He has been making me feel totally worthless and increasingly grateful if he says more than a couple of words to me, and everything i say feels like I am just an annoyance to him.
   
   Someone you love - and who loves you - should not be making you feel worthless, or grateful for attention, or that you are irritating them. (In fact no-one should make you feel like this).
   
   
3. this behaviour is purely reserved for me.
   
   So he's a different person to others? This is not a good sign :( Was he particularly lovely, charming and attentive when you met him, I wonder.
   
   
4. He will not see that he owes me an apology and flatly refused to say sorry and that I should stop being so self centred...Is it not just basic manners to apologise when you have treated someone like crap?
   
   Yes, it is basic manners to normal, healthy people, and especially to someone who loves you. The person being self-centred here is him: he has turned it around to be your fault.
   
   
5. and I have found myself playing the role of a good little housewife and letting so many things pass to keep the peace.
   
   This latter is called walking on eggshells. It perhaps isn't that bad yet, but it looks as if you are heading that way. The other things are typical of what I'll call a difficult man.
   
   From what you've said jammie, there is a problem here: he may be seeing someone else, though to be honest it could be something a bit more than that.
   
   Some serious talking is needed, whether he likes it or not: if won't accept it, it's time to consider what kind of partnership you are going to get with this man in the future.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

This is not the normal behaviour of a loving partner. As you rightly point out, "it seems this behaviour is purely reserved for me."

People get stressed but mature, intelligent, caring people either ask their partner to leave them alone for a time or they talk about it together. They do not going into abusive sulks with their partner and then turn on the charm for others.

This man is not stressed. He is choosing to put you under stress so that he can control you 'Stress' is simply an excuse. His behaviour is nothing to do with anything you've done or not done. There is nothing you can do to make this man happy and there never will be. So stop being a door-mat & I strongly recommend you...

...RUN

[jarsofclay]

You sound like I do and was for my DH. Sometimes they need a kick up the bum to reality.
My husband kept having these silent spells and moaning at me ect much like yours so one day I texted him at work and told him I was going away with the girls to see my mum. Nothing else.
I didn't have the car but I was determined to show him I could and would do it so I trundled across London on the tube with my two young dd's before getting on the 3 hour train ride to my mums. It was a bloody nightmare I can tell you but he had to admit he was shocked afterwards and we have seen a slight improvment!
They get too comfy and so easily start walking over you unless you give the boot back sometimes however much you do for them.
Something like this will also give him an opportunity to cook his own meals and do his own cleaning for a few days and to think about what he 'could' lose if he carries on.

[jammiedodger79]

It has crossed my mind about an affair but I really don't think he has the time and have not seen any evidence of it apart from the moodiness towards me.

Yeah I think you are right, I need to deal with it now, thing is its so difficult and I've tried talking to him calmly but it doesn't get me anywhere. I couldn't spell it out more simple to him and can't believe he will not accept what I am saying.

Will have to give it another go. And no I can't live like this, I need him to change .

[GoldenGeek]

Maybe you could use your thread to write down any incidents (or non-incidents if he is still sulking) that happen. Then you can build a picture of how he is with you.

A huge concern is how different his behaviour is with you. He is punishing you for something. Or preparing you to be his stepfordwife.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"He does have his good points when he isn't in his moody phase,"

Read up on 'emotional abuse' and you'll discover all emotional bullies alternate moody, abusive, sulky phases with pleasant behaviour. They never say sorry because, in their world, you are their subordinate and they never make a mistake. It's 100% deliberate.

" is looking forward to babies arrival and has been reading all the manuals etc so I think he will be hands on."

Rather than 'hands on' my fear is that he will control both you and the baby instead of you alone. You will never be a good enough mother in his eyes. Wouldn't be at all surprised if he's already trying to dictate the way you handle your pregnancy.

[MrsDeterminedandSpecialMum]

Sorry your going through this. I would ask him outright what it is that is bothering him to make his attitude change in the way that it has. You really don't need the stress in the run up to the birth of your baby.

If he can't be honest with you, what can you see happening for you relationship in the future?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"He has been making me feel totally worthless "

Many abusers treat pregnancy and the birth of the first child as their cue to throw their weight around, dominate the relationship and crush the spirit out of their partner. If you feel totally worthless at what should be an exciting, daunting but ultimately happy time of your life that is utterly wrong. A partner should make you feel better about yourself and enhance your life.... not keep you as some kind of worthless domestic servant.

[jammiedodger79]

Thanks everyone, you have opened my eyes. I really need to address this, I have never been such a walkover before and can't believe I put up with it.

ladywordy...I live away from all my family and we have just moved to a new flat in a new area where I don't know anyone. I can't go far, this baby is really heavy and public transport just isn't an option right now. Can't wait to be able to get out more after baby is born.

jarsofclay...I think it might be a good idea if I get my dad to pick me up for a few days but I actually think he will like it!

about him seeing someone else, I really don't know I guess its a possiblilty.

[OliveandJim]

You are about to give birth and he treats you like that? He is mad? That is completely unacceptable behaviour. You should be pampered, loved, looked after like you are the Queen of Sheebah right now, not made to feel miserable!
You need all your emotional energy for the birth and afterwards. Now is the time to show you you are a team. It's going to be bloody hard once the baby is here and with sleep deprivation on top of it, you might find it very hard oto cope if he doens't start playing his part. He is about to become a dad and needs to look after you! he should be doing the cooking, he should be doing the cleaning and you should be with your feet up on the sofa. And he shoul dbe on internet to look how to bathe a new born or give a bottle anytihng else at this stage is completely superfluous. Tell him to get this act together or threaten to tell his mum (haha)!

[Guiltypleasures001]

If he is playing football 4x a week, he has ample time to play away with someone else. He might be stressed about baby coming, but this sounds like this was going on before baby was conceived, I wonder how you could possibly sleep with someone who is so ungiving it beggers belief.

I see a future with you stressed with a newborn, and him with a seperate life to the one in doors, I also think you are so conditioned to keeping the peace around him, you are going to find it hard change the status quo. It isnt him who has to change lovey its you changing your acceptance of this situation, he aint gonna budge I suspect. Best of luck for the bubs though.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

" think it might be a good idea if I get my dad to pick me up for a few days "

Try a few months... I'm sorry but, if he's this bad now, he's going to be an utter nightmare when the baby's here. It's hard enough keeping pace with a newborn and what you don't need is to be running around, trying to make this idiot happy as well.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He won't change though and talking to him about this is about as effective as spitting in the sea. He knows what he is doing and is enjoying seeing your discomforture. This is all about power and control. He like many such abusive types has acted "nice" long enough to draw you in; you are seeing his true colours now.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. I would actually start establishing what your legal rights are with regards to separation.

[GoldenGeek]

you 'put up with it' because they don't start a relationship being this way. They slowly increase this behaviour so you don't notice it.

My thoughts when I first left my Ex were 'how stupid was I?'. But I wasn't stupid, just feeling so worthless my I would doubt my own judgement. They are good at that, making you feel incapable of doing anything without them.

[izzyizin]

Was moving to a new area where you don't know anyone a joint decision or did you go along with him because you feared he'd sulk if you didn't?

How much of your personality and your wants/needs are you compromising to feed his ego?

Arrange for your df to pick you up and whisk you away for a few days and make it clear to your h that unless he dramatically alters his behaviour and stops with the sulks/moods/general nastiness, you won't be coming back.

[jammiedodger79]

He makes me feel like I am the one being unreasonable for just wanting to talk about these things. I wonder if going away for a few days and telling him it will be over if he really won't face up to how he is making me feel as a last chance.

I know it sounds pathetic but I hate the thought of us splitting up, I really do love him, there are many good things going for us, but I know that if this issue carries on it would be over anyway so I can see its best to make or break now.

Thanks everyone for your advice its a bit of a shock to see how people view it from the outside.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think it would be a good start giving him an either/or choice. But this kind of man can be very persuasive and, if you back him into a corner, he's highly likely to turn on the charm and go on best behaviour for as long as it takes to get you back. Once you're trapped back with him and a new baby, it'll be same-old same-old but now you'll be worried that you can't leave because 'he's a good dad'.

Please take this opportunity to be strong for yourself and your baby. Draw a line in the sand over sulks, moods and lack of apologies - they have to stop. And tell him you will no longer be skivvying but that he has to pull his weight at home. Everything. The power balance is far too loaded against you at the moment and you have to claw it back or you will seriously regret it.

[Guiltypleasures001]

if you think were a in shock Jammie wait till you tell your dad/mum Hopefully if anything like mine, they will rally round you, and he will get a shock in one way or another...