I keep thinking did I make a huge mistake in leaving my (almost) ex. We have been separated 2 years now, at my initiation, and are partway through our divorce. There was no-one else involved and it took me a long time to come to that decision. He is a good man and would never have been unfaithful, always provided for me and even though he wasn't tactile he did little things that showed me he cared.
But then I felt so trapped in the relationship, we were very dependent on each other, he tended to be moody, withdrawn and critical, didn't want to spend any time with me, and we didn't do each other a lot of good. I wilted with him and lost myself, although did lose a baby and have other babies so this was more to do with this than with him. And since leaving him I have become stronger and more empowered, lost weight, bought myself make-up and new clothes (always had to argue my case for new clothes as he was the breadwinner, I was SAHM, it was always "his" money). I did not fancy him in the least, perhaps because I was so angry at how he was treating me, even now I have no physical desire for him.
But I miss the friendship and the companionship. Being on my own is lonely and I miss him, and all the things he used to do, like bringing me a cup of tea in the morning, or listening to me and helping me see sense and not doing anything stupid socially (I'm emotional and impulsive and he moderated me). But I felt the negatives could never be fixed, and could not imagine going without intimacy with him (emotional and physical) the rest of my life. But I've thrown away my best friend and my security so I'm not sure it was a good trade-off. I doubt he would take me back now even if I wanted as he feels so hurt that I had other relationships since we separated and I can't ever change that. Just think what if I never have such a loving relationship again and maybe I should have done what many women do and just lived without the sex and put up with his crap for the sake of having a faithful companion and security and respectability (I tried to get him to do counselling but he wasn't interested, he hates counselling). I knew it was a big risk when I left him that I would never find that again but having tried to date for the past two years I didn't realise the odds were stacked that much against me and finding another man I'd be happy with seems an impossible task right now. I guess I need to just focus on things that make me happy like getting my career going and doing things I enjoy but I can't get my need for love and intimacy out of my head, even when I'm asleep I dream about being with someone. I worry that maybe I should have settled with what I had...
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Relationships
did I make a huge mistake in leaving my husband?
soontobedivorced · 26/08/2012 18:48
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