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Was this abuse?

55 replies

Bobits · 07/03/2012 22:38

Hi all, this is past tense - I split with my partner october 2011 - But sometimes I still think I am going mad, wondering if I could ask your perspective?

I moved in with ex april 2011 with ds1 (5yrs) from a previous relationship and was about 5months pregnant.

There were 4 incidents regarding my ds1.
The first two were in april. Once my ex dangled my ds1 over the bannisters for being naughty. And the other, when my ex was sitting on the floor he lifted ds1 above his head and threw him to the floor. I freaked both times and he said sorry.
The third was in august in the first month after dd2 was born - he bent ds1's hands back at the rist and really hurt him - I again got very cross.

3 weeks after our split in october - he brought his 2 nephews around to play with ds1. They were carrying on and ex was shouting at them to stop. Ds1 shouted at the ex to stop making his sister cry (as his shouting was disturbing her) He yelled in his face - you want me to give you something to cry about? This reslly upset me as for me, ds1 was only protecting his sister and missing his step-dad role model - His reaction was so harsh. I took dd2 away to feed her and asked ex to settle boys calmly and heard alot of comotion downstairs. I came down to ds1 crying that ex had 'strangled him' his tie out of place and ex claimed to only have grabbed him by the neck (hardly better). After this he is not allowed to see ds1.
At the time these all felt like isolated incidents but in hindsight is obviously different.
I feel ashamed and a bad mum for not leaving sooner.
Though I am grateful and thankful it was only for six months.

With money he was selfish. We went private to have dd2 and during our pg he claimed not to be able to pay half although he earned alot more. Which was a shock as I had saved to stay off the full year. When I was 7 1/2 months I discovered he was going onto live webcam sites boke boke and was upset to say the least! When I wanted to go to the doctors on my own - he said he'd follow me, which made me cross because he wanted the rights but without any of the responsibilities. And although I had no proof was thinking so thats where the moneys gone...(webcams).

I was also upset that as he expected me to be celebate for at least 7 1/2 months (because I had a baby bump and he found it ackward) and he was asking when I could go on the pill when dd2 was 2weeks.

And when he wouldnt help around the house and I was pissed off because we both worked full time before dd2 and should both contribute - was told I was anal over housework and too fussy.

Finally when talking hypothetically what we would do if we break up he claimed he would just stay in our rented house, keep the baby and me and ds1 would leave. I was about 8months pregnant and at the time I felt threatened by this, like I couldn't trust him and trapped because a part of me was scared this would happen.

All this would usually have me run a mile - but I was living with him carrying his child, and wrongly thought I could trust him before we moved in.

Why did he bring this into mine and my ds's lives? Is it likely this started because I was pregnant and more vulnerable?

Thankyou anyone for listening, was good to get off my chest xo

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 07/03/2012 22:42

I didn't get to the end. Yes he was abusive towards your son at least. Thank goodness you removed your children from this relatively quickly but please do work on your self belief to make sure you never expose them to abuse like this again.