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Was this abuse?

(56 Posts)
Bobits Wed 07-Mar-12 22:38:45

Hi all, this is past tense - I split with my partner october 2011 - But sometimes I still think I am going mad, wondering if I could ask your perspective?

I moved in with ex april 2011 with ds1 (5yrs) from a previous relationship and was about 5months pregnant.

There were 4 incidents regarding my ds1.
The first two were in april. Once my ex dangled my ds1 over the bannisters for being naughty. And the other, when my ex was sitting on the floor he lifted ds1 above his head and threw him to the floor. I freaked both times and he said sorry.
The third was in august in the first month after dd2 was born - he bent ds1's hands back at the rist and really hurt him - I again got very cross.

3 weeks after our split in october - he brought his 2 nephews around to play with ds1. They were carrying on and ex was shouting at them to stop. Ds1 shouted at the ex to stop making his sister cry (as his shouting was disturbing her) He yelled in his face - you want me to give you something to cry about? This reslly upset me as for me, ds1 was only protecting his sister and missing his step-dad role model - His reaction was so harsh. I took dd2 away to feed her and asked ex to settle boys calmly and heard alot of comotion downstairs. I came down to ds1 crying that ex had 'strangled him' his tie out of place and ex claimed to only have grabbed him by the neck (hardly better). After this he is not allowed to see ds1.
At the time these all felt like isolated incidents but in hindsight is obviously different.
I feel ashamed and a bad mum for not leaving sooner.
Though I am grateful and thankful it was only for six months.

With money he was selfish. We went private to have dd2 and during our pg he claimed not to be able to pay half although he earned alot more. Which was a shock as I had saved to stay off the full year. When I was 7 1/2 months I discovered he was going onto live webcam sites boke boke and was upset to say the least! When I wanted to go to the doctors on my own - he said he'd follow me, which made me cross because he wanted the rights but without any of the responsibilities. And although I had no proof was thinking so thats where the moneys gone...(webcams).

I was also upset that as he expected me to be celebate for at least 7 1/2 months (because I had a baby bump and he found it ackward) and he was asking when I could go on the pill when dd2 was 2weeks.

And when he wouldnt help around the house and I was pissed off because we both worked full time before dd2 and should both contribute - was told I was anal over housework and too fussy.

Finally when talking hypothetically what we would do if we break up he claimed he would just stay in our rented house, keep the baby and me and ds1 would leave. I was about 8months pregnant and at the time I felt threatened by this, like I couldn't trust him and trapped because a part of me was scared this would happen.

All this would usually have me run a mile - but I was living with him carrying his child, and wrongly thought I could trust him before we moved in.

Why did he bring this into mine and my ds's lives? Is it likely this started because I was pregnant and more vulnerable?

Thankyou anyone for listening, was good to get off my chest xo

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 07-Mar-12 22:42:49

I didn't get to the end. Yes he was abusive towards your son at least. Thank goodness you removed your children from this relatively quickly but please do work on your self belief to make sure you never expose them to abuse like this again.

babyhammock Wed 07-Mar-12 22:56:48

Yes very abusive to you both sad How awful. My heart was sinking reading it sad
Thank goodness you're away and I'd be extremely wary about any unsupervised contact between him and DD.

Lueji Wed 07-Mar-12 23:05:21

Actually, the first incident alone would probably have been a deal breaker with me.

Have things been ok since separating?

Selks Wed 07-Mar-12 23:06:49

I'm shocked you need to ask to be frank. Yes, extremely abusive to your son at the very least of it.

ImperialBlether Wed 07-Mar-12 23:17:58

Your poor, poor child. I am so sorry for him having to live with this man.

As soon as I read about him dangling your son over the banisters, I nearly screamed with fright. I would have left him on that day.

Is there a reason why you stayed with him and only got a bit cross when he threatened the life of your son on several occasions?

Do you still have contact with this man? If so, I think you should stop immediately. He is a danger to children.

I am so shocked that you had to ask and even more shocked that you stayed with him.

oikopolis Wed 07-Mar-12 23:19:33

i can't imagine how you would think any of that was NOT abuse?

Bobits Wed 07-Mar-12 23:19:54

Thanks, I'm glad he's is out of my life and ds1's life.
I'm also heartbroken my dd2 has such a poor role model as a father figure.

Ex only sees dd2 once and twice a week, at my house where she's safe as I'm still Bf-ing.
Unsupervised access is a concern for the future sad I think I may have a fight on my hands, If he is as bad as I think he might want a large amount of time with her as I think he sees her as his. If he could hurt my ds1 who wasn't 'his property'.

foolonthehill Wed 07-Mar-12 23:20:13

yes abuse, glad you are out. This man has no boundaries. hope your child has only supervised contact if any.

oikopolis Wed 07-Mar-12 23:21:06

am also profoundly shocked that you would condone him dangling your DS over a banister... why didn't you throw him out immediately? or take your child and leave?

foolonthehill Wed 07-Mar-12 23:22:30

I think you should report the incidents to social services...although they are long long ago they would be relevant if he ever pursues access formally thru' the courts.

BertieBotts Wed 07-Mar-12 23:25:09

This has made my blood run cold.

I don't know what else to say.

Please take any steps you can to prevent access, especially unsupervised. Perhaps if you fear him going to court a contact centre would be the best plan once she gets old enough to be deemed okay to go with him for short periods.

tribpot Wed 07-Mar-12 23:26:52

^ I freaked both times and he said sorry.^

Wow. I think you know yourself now this was a terrifying under-reaction on your part. Thank god you are away from him. Would you consider contacting Women's Aid? I feel you really need to challenge what led you to accept what he did - not because you are to blame for the abuse, that is 100% down to him, but because you need to make sure you are safe from abusers in future, so that your children are safe too.

Bobits Wed 07-Mar-12 23:28:04

cross post - I.B - I Agree. The only excuse is that I was too scared and weak.

oikopolis Wed 07-Mar-12 23:43:50

please report all of this stuff to SS, if you don't you're basically going to be handing your DD over to wolves by letting him see her unsupervised.

Bobits Thu 08-Mar-12 00:17:42

The incidents were logged with the GP and health visitor, and have contacted womans aid already.

He won't be having her unsupervised - hence why I responded in one of my posts I think I will have a fight on my hands.

Only 4 1/2 months on I am still trying to make sense of what has happened. I had been with ex for 1yr and 10months before we had moved in together - he had spent much time with ds1 and had never been agressive toward him in this time. I honestly was shocked and couldn't understand the change. His behaviour was so obviously unacceptable regarding ds1. I felt very vulnerable when I was pregnant and the one person I was supposed to be able to trust I couldn't. I know I should a have left sooner.

SweetGrapes Thu 08-Mar-12 00:26:25

Good god! Didn't make it past the first bit - dangling over banisters, throwing around, bending wrist backwards... Do you really need to ask?

cestlavielife Thu 08-Mar-12 11:47:55

i am surprised he comes into your house to see dd.

where is ds at this time?

frankly i would not allwow this man in your house and anywhere near DS - by giving him access to dd in your home you giving him access to ds again. and that is scary.

i know it makes it easier for you but what message does it give DS?
that this man is an acceptable presence in your house?

you need to think longer term what is going to happen regarding dd access....

PissesGlitter Thu 08-Mar-12 13:37:49

fucking hell i am shocked you even had to ask tbh?

glad you are away from this bastard

i would be very wary of letting him near any of my kids

PufftyMagicDragon Thu 08-Mar-12 13:42:11

why on earth do you allow this man contact with your children!?

what makes you think he wont hurt dd?

janelikesjam Thu 08-Mar-12 13:45:27

Thank God you left. The bending-back-the-hand till it hurt thing to your kid sounds a nasty, nasty piece of sadism.

emptygirl Thu 08-Mar-12 14:07:21

I too am shocked that you had to ask the questions "is this abuse". He has physically hurt your children, of course it's abuse. Sorry to be so harsh.

GavisonandOn Thu 08-Mar-12 14:09:45

He sounds like a charmer sad hmm

Yes, he sounds abusive and cruel, immature and brutish. Glad you left.

PeppermintPasty Thu 08-Mar-12 14:24:34

I appreciate he is dd2's father and that will sadly bring its own problems as you've said, but I don't think he should ever go near your son again.

neuroticmumof3 Thu 08-Mar-12 18:46:48

This man is very abusive and is a huge risk to children. Stop enabling his access to dd2. Make him take you to court to get access.

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