Am close to exploding with rage

[imustbeamug]

Sorry this is long. need to let off steam.

I am beyond furious with DP. Today ive been running about like a blue arsed fly. I scrubbed the bathroom from top to bottom, gave the kitchen a huge clean down, too, painted a wall that's needed doing for months, done 5 loads of washing, then this afternonn I had to shut myself away to finish some work as im self-employed.

He has taken DC out for lunch and spent the afternoon on the beach in the sun. I have had to work through bath and bedtime and DC is in bed so I already feel guilty that ive not been around today.

Have just gone into the bathroom for a wee to find a piece of shit smeared over the bathroom floor (DC is still small and must have dropped it when wiping) Our floor is very light, so it would be pretty hard to miss a piece of that size. DP has thrown the clean bathmat on top of it and left it for me to discover. The kitchen is also a complete dump again the surfaces are really messy with food all over and the floor is covered in spilt food. It doesn't look like it has been cleaned for weeks, let alone this morning.

DP does this sort of thing every day, gives me no help with housework, even though I frequently work longer than he does, and he then expects me to come along behind him sorting out all these delightful 'gifts' he leaves. Yesterday evening, DS wet himself. DP put him in the shower and washed him off, but dumped the pee-covered clothes on storage unit in the bathroom where they sat until I found them in a stinking heap later that evening. He never finishes cleaning anything up His too excuses are 'I didn't see it' or 'I was going to come back and do it later' but he never does.

He wont 'let' me employ a cleaner (and i know realistically its beyond our budget), hasn't had a pay rise in years but wont look for a better paid job, insists I cant give up work and says 'I'm not going to work myself into the ground because you want to be at home' but won't help out either. I barely get a day off, or any family time, as im constantly playing catchup with all the jobs. its not as if I am extra houseproud, believe me, the house gets really grotty and I am just about staying on top of the basics.

WWYD? Please don't suggest that I should just go on strike. He wouldn't care if I did and would happily live in a rubbish tip if it meant he didn't have to do any cleaning and with DC in house that is not an option. I have to do something though, as I cant go on like this. I feel like he is getting all the good times with DC and I am just spending my time mopping up the mess.

[IWantWine]

I honestly dont know what advice I can give. I can only say that I have been there! Now my kids are young adults and I spent most of my time working in one way or another :(

There are some very wise and lovely ladies with lots of good advice who I am sure will be along soon. However, it doesnt matter how much advice you get, at the end of the day, you need to find the courage, energy and determination to put it into use!

:)

[imustbeamug]

Thanks. Courage and determination I have. Energy, not so much

[ImperialBlether]

Sorry, OP, but I don't like the sound of him.

What would he do if you drew up a list of jobs to be done and you said, I'll be with our child in the morning and do my jobs in the afternoon and vice versa?

Would he actually do the job?

Also, as you work for yourself, is your work invisible, in that you fit it around his convenience, taking your son to school, bringing him home, working whilst your husband's watching tv in the evening, etc?

[GypsyMoth]

This is a good reminder of why I'm happy to be a lone parent!!

[Blueberties]

Can you go on a partial strike? Ie no cleaning his clothes, cooking his dinner etc etc.

Sorry nothing mroe to suggest. You are amazing.

[imustbeamug]

Imperial - I've done that in the past. He then just says he didn't see the list/forgot/does such a poor job that it needs to be redone again anyway. Hes not a bad person. hes a very good, hands on father, but just a bit lazy.

I would say my work is invisible, as it fits round the family and I end up struggling to get it done.

[ChippingIn]

Tell him he either does his share of the housework or he earns more money 9in his existing job or another part time one) to pay for a cleaner or you will be re-evaluating your relationship.

This is absolutely bloody ridiculous - it cannot continue.

[imustbeamug]

ILT: i hope it doesnt come to that but he is pushing me to the edge and i cant take it much more

Blueberties, you have made me well up. yes i think a partial strike is probably the way forward. Ive tried it before and he has spent a couple of days panicking round 'helping' but soon slacks off again

[madonnawhore]

I agree with Chipping, you cab't carry on like this. Have you told him it's starting to become a deal breaker?

He really needs to sort it out.

[imustbeamug]

i warned him a couple of months ago that i couldnt carry on this way, that I had reached breaking point and he promised to do more, but has slipped back into old habits.

[ImperialBlether]

I would say give up something that you have eg takeaways or wine or whatever and tell your husband that you are spending that money on a cleaner. No discussion. He doesn't do the cleaning. You shouldn't have to put up with him being such a pig in the house. You shouldn't have to do all of the housework.

If you spent more time on your business, would you bring in more money? If so, it would be a far better use of your time than doing the housework.

[imustbeamug]

the thing that makes me laugh most is then he moans that we never get any quality time as a family. my mum spent years running round doing all this and i always swore i wouldnt be a doormat. now i look at myself and wonder what happened

[Teaslegirl]

You are not his mother nor are you a doormat and yet you are behaving like one. If you are wanting to spend time with your son then do so, if he left the kitchen/bathroom in a mess, tell him " could you finish clearing the above, as I left them clean and tidy. "
Stop doing things for him and concentrate on yourself and son, he will be growing up fast and you are missing it by being a marter to your partner. Painting is not esentialand try and do work when your son is in bed so you can spend time with him during the day. Your partner only behaves like this because you allow him to, be strong and reset the boundries, tell him what you'd like to be done and how you'd like it done, make it clear that all washing cooking etc will stop if he doesn't put some effort in - then follow through :)

[imustbeamug]

Imperial we don;t have takeaways much and he is always worrying about money. he is supposed to be in charge of bills and stuff and has let that slide, too. our finances are a bit of a mess because he hasnt been budgeting, but i am resisting taking that on too as it means it is yet another job I have to do.

Business-wise, not really. I am working as many hours as I can and not much chance to earn more. This is why I am really stuck on what to do.

[ChippingIn]

Well tell him if he pulled his weight around the house you would have more time to spend as a family FFS it's not rocket science. If he'd done housework with you this am you could have all gone out this pm.

[spanna41]

I would get a cleaner (couple of hours a week) that's the equivalent of 2-3 bottles of wine or other luxuries. Sit DP down and let him know how you feel. Strike - yes on his washing and any other things that will effect him! Do yourself a favour and take the pressure off - you sound like you're doing so much and not spending enough time with your dc - they grow up so quickly!

[imustbeamug]

teasle i know im being a doormat and that makes me more angry than anything else. I cannot believe I have allowed myself to get in this situation. He is driving me bonkers and to be honest I am losing any respect I had for him and finding it very hard to love him at the moment, as he is taking advantage.

[FiniteIncantatem]

Hello imust, I'm guessing that he slacks off once you're no longer striking. I would be tempted to say that the partial strike becomes a permanent thing- if he won't do his share of the housework properly, then he will just have to do all his washing and cooking himself. It will lessen your work load.
If he says anything, you can just tell him you didn't see it, or you forgot. Maybe he'll get the message.

[imustbeamug]

chipping - couldn't have gone out as had work to finish and should be carrying on with it now, but can't concentrate as im so angry. as for forgoing the wine, we dont really drink much anyway, maybe 2 bottles a month, so not much to play with there for a cleaning lady. in any case we definitely cant afford it and I would feel bad employing someone then having to let them go soon after just to make a point to him.

[ImperialBlether]

Would you be better off if you were employed? Sorry, I know that's not what the thread's about. Your husband makes me really furious and I don't even know him!

[imustbeamug]

imperial - not really an option, unfortunately, for various reasons (will out myself if i say)

[spanna41]

Mysterious! i hope it all works out for you - Good Luck :)

[PamBeesly]

Leaving the poo under the mat is disgusting, his general laziness is not fair. I don't think you should have to pick up his slack. I have no real advice just a bit of solidarity so you feel justified in your anger. I hope you get some good advice though

[CactusRash]

What about starting by maing your job more visible?

So yur are self employed,w orking from home. That's fine but what abut setting up some working time, putting your work at the same level of importance as his (which it would be if yu were employed) and then wok it from there?

So no more 'I am fiiting a washing in between doing my work'. But I am working, I am unavailable and therefore all HW has to be done out of working hours together

[imustbeamug]

the way Im feeling tonight, i might start by making his testicles more visible by removing them and wearing them as earrings