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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I cheat.....

74 replies

cufuddled · 14/08/2011 12:59

Ok I understand that is quite a statement to make.

I am, although you probably won't believe me, happily married and have been for over 10 years. We have one DD

Most areas of my marriage are solid. We get on very well, we are very good parents, we have a great home and both work very hard. One area is lacking and always has.............SEX.

I have a very high and greedy sex drive. DH hasn't!!! He is a little older than me, we can talk about most things but unfortunately sex isn't one of them. I feel he would be utterly embarassed if I was to discuss our rubbish sex life.

I want a spontanious and firey sex life which I just don't have with him, so I get it elsewhere. No romance from other men just sex!!!

If I go out on my own and am chatted up I will follow it through......I am also ashamed to say that something recently happened with one of his friends ( a first)

Yes I know I am a very very horrible person but I can't think that my life will be sexless (ish) for the next 30 years or so!!!

I love him dearly and have no intention of leaving him but I need more than what I am getting, has anyone else ever experienced this?

OP posts:

Report

Blurry29 · 14/08/2011 13:01

Bloody hell that is a statement............

Are you sure that the sex side is the only area lacking?? Is there more to the picture?

greycircles · 14/08/2011 13:06

You might not have any intention of leaving him but he might leave you if he finds out.

Xales · 14/08/2011 13:14

FFS if you are going to mess around at least don't do it with his friends. Nice friends he has that would to that

If you are grown up have a proper bloody conversation about it. Little sex doesn't mean rubbish sex. Decide what you have with him and be honest about it.

Let him know so that he can decide if wants to take the risk with someone else who may end up pregnant from a one night stand or the risk of passing on a STI to him.

pickgo · 14/08/2011 13:22

I don't think the rest of your relationship can be good (not just the lack of sex) if you can't talk about sex because he'd be embarrassed ffs. I mean having DCs normally desensitizes partners to any embrrassment!

Your problem seems to be more about communication tbh. You have to talk about the no sex.

Stop all cheating and talk. Put a time limit on change and if it doesn't happen leave. Cheating is the absolute pits - such a massive betrayal.

chirpchirp · 14/08/2011 13:22

Oh no, you couldn't possibly have an awkward conversation with your husband that truely would be horrible, I mean just awful. It would be so much better to just continually cheat on him, that's a much better idea. . Much better that he be embarrassed and humiliated when it all comes out that you sleep with his friends rather than simply having an honest conversation with his wife.

MadAboutHotChoc · 14/08/2011 13:26

Secrets, lies and deceit will destroy your marriage in the end even if you don;t get found out. Also your H will notice the distancing and changes in your behaviour no matter how subtles these are.

NotADudeExactly · 14/08/2011 13:26

Okay, you say you have no intention of leaving him and that your relationship is otherwise a-okay.

BUT ...

you regularly engage in behaviour that would hurt your husband very much if he ever found out about it. You even do this with the sort of people one would expect he'd come to rely upon if he were to be badly hurt by you - his friends.

You say you love him dearly. Sorry, to me this sounds more like a selfish kind of 'love': you think he's nice to be around and don't think you should have to give up on the perks of having him there just because you can't be bothered to be faithful.

FWIW I'm not one of these people who believe that heteromonogamy is the one and only relationship model for absolutely everyone. However, I do believe that people have every right to make an informed choice about their lifestyle. You're not allowing your husband that.

Frankly, you're not being fair to him at all and, sorry, by the sound of it he deserves better!

AmaraDresden · 14/08/2011 13:28

Sounds like you are blaming him for your inability to communicate about it, and if sex is that important to you that you are willing to break his heart over it then LEAVE him and find someone who suits you better in that department.

Sex takes a lot of effort between long term partners to keep it interesting for both parties. Personally I find sex with DP better than I ever did any one night stands where nobody really knows what quirks each other has with regards to sex.

You are being greedy, and if you are truly that unhappy than talk to him or leave. There's no excuse for screwing his friends.

AmaraDresden · 14/08/2011 13:30

Notadude you put that very well!

AmaraDresden · 14/08/2011 13:30

Notadude you put that very well!

confidence · 14/08/2011 13:31

Most areas of my marriage are solid. We get on very well, we are very good parents, we have a great home and both work very hard. One area is lacking and always has.............SEX.

That's pretty common. You'll probably get a chorus of assured voices insisting that the difference in your sex drives MUST be due to other problems in the relationship - as if there's some natural law that says people who love each other and get on well together will always want the same amount of sex. But there isn't, unfortunately.

Your solution seems pragmatic and makes pretty good sense. The only things I'd say are:

Does he know, or suspect, about any of it? I don't see anything wrong with relationships that aren't sexually monogamous, but deceit and secrecy can be poisonous. OTOH I know that things like this often work by unspoken understandings, where one or both partners are not willing to talk openly about them.

Do ALWAYS be safe, if you're still sleeping with DH at all. Playing away is one thing but it would really be below the belt, in more ways than one, to bring home a souvenir.

Don't shag his friends. That's really bad form and would make it far more hurtful should he find out.

What are you doing Friday night? (Just joking).

pickgo · 14/08/2011 13:40

Uggghh Confidence glad I'm not married to you! What a horrible attitude 'these things often work by unspoken understanding' - is that what you's say to your partner when they were devastated by your betrayal?

squeakytoy · 14/08/2011 13:48

I think your husband would prefer to be given an opportunity to rectify what you consider to be your rubbish sex life, than find out you are shagging around behind his back. .

I hope the "friend" of his was single too :(

AnyFucker · 14/08/2011 13:51

Couldn't you at least try not to shit on your own doorstep ?

ugh

I don't think "confidence's" last question really was a joke, either

SirSugar · 14/08/2011 13:54

You are on self destruct mission if you ask me. Its like addiction.

AnyFucker · 14/08/2011 13:58

yes, SS, an escalating one too (the Dh's friend)

OP, so you want to seek sex outside of your marriage ?

Whatever

But why did you have to deal your husband the ultimate humiliation of shagging his friend ? That is just nasty. You cannot love someone that you do that too.

tadpoles · 14/08/2011 13:58

"has anyone else experienced this" Probably quite a lot of men do this and I presume some women.

How about Catherine Deneuve in that silly film written by a frenchman with a fantasy about beautiful bored housewives wanting to get their end away?

Do you write for the Daily Mail?

AnyFucker · 14/08/2011 13:59

to not too

SirSugar · 14/08/2011 14:07

Not sure OP loves herself; knows its wrong - wrong in the betrayal and wrong for OP as she thinks she is horrible.

Why do you need to act out betrayal to make yourself feel horrible; and by doing it with friends of your DH its sailing close to the wind in terms of getting found out

flatbellyfella · 14/08/2011 14:28

Cuffuddled.
I suggest you take a DIY job on this
uncontrollable sex drive of yours as of
now.

buzzsore · 14/08/2011 14:29

It's going to end up in disaster, you know that right? You can't screw his friends and not end up getting found out. Seems to me the excitement isn't about getting good sex, but about the risk of getting caught and that's why you're bringing it closer and closer to home, whether consciously or unconsciously.

Mouseface · 14/08/2011 14:30

"you regularly engage in behaviour that would hurt your husband very much if he ever found out about it. You even do this with the sort of people one would expect he'd come to rely upon if he were to be badly hurt by you - his friends.

You say you love him dearly. Sorry, to me this sounds more like a selfish kind of 'love': you think he's nice to be around and don't think you should have to give up on the perks of having him there just because you can't be bothered to be faithful.

FWIW I'm not one of these people who believe that heteromonogamy is the one and only relationship model for absolutely everyone. However, I do believe that people have every right to make an informed choice about their lifestyle. You're not allowing your husband that.

Frankly, you're not being fair to him at all and, sorry, by the sound of it he deserves better!"

Exactly.

You are extremely selfish. Put yourself in his place. How would you feel?

You clearly have no respect for him, whether you love him or not.

As I read it, sex and physical contact is something you need to feel loved/valued/wanted, however he is happy just to have you in his life?

There is much more to this than sex IMO.

I only hope that you have the guts to tell him, rather than his 'friend' telling him, or someone else. You owe it to him, as his wife, to at least try and sort this out. For real.

Make him talk, make him listen, make him understand the severity of this and at least give him the chance to make things better.

Stop using this as an excuse to fuck other men. He had to be enough for you at one point, surely? Why marry him if he's never satisfied you completely?

I find your behaviour shallow and cruel. Perhaps you should try a little DIY?

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AnyFucker · 14/08/2011 14:44

Am thinking this is a wind-up now.

cufuddled · 14/08/2011 14:49

I can assure you it's no wind up...............

The ''friends''' thing WAS a complete mistake............. yeah I know all cheating is but this was a major one that atthe time had no intention of taking part in...it did JUST happen and with reagrds to his friend would never happen again.

I do genuinely love him but need more than what I am getting...thats all. I do appreciate all comments

OP posts:

chris123456 · 14/08/2011 14:54

I think all you need is to be honest

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