Think DH and I are splitting up

[KD0706]

I'm quite sad but it's been a long time coming.

We've been together for 13 years, married for 8.

Had DD 15 months ago and he's just never taken to being a dad. We had a Frank chat tonight and he said he feels my world revolves around her and I have no time for him. I think he's quite childish and needed me constantly stroking his ego and now I don't do that so much.

I think he's quite jealous of DD and that's been coming out in dismissive and uninterested attitude towards her, but that's sometimes veered towards being aggressive. When I pull him up on this he gets very angry with me.

The bottom line is we don't bring joy to each others lives anymore. I suggested either trial separation or counselling but he doesn't want either. He just wants to make a clean break.

I adore DD and wouldn't be without her but I can't help wishing we'd done this a couple of years ago before we dragged her into it.

[KD0706]

Thank you for replying MJ.

I'm just so sad that it's come to this. I still desperately want him to say how much he loves us and that he'll make an effort with DD.

But I think that in reality he's looking forward to a fresh start.

[HampstersDontSwim]

Gosh,
Sorry to hear that.

It must really hurt and he's losing so much but dosnt even realise -you cant make him realise how wonderful it is to be a loving parent.

You will get through this.
I did and I'm soft as shite. xx

[pseudonomic]

Take some time out before you decide. Having kids is a fucking bombshell in a relationship. Things get better. Honestly as they get older things get better. DH and I split up. We're back together and in counselling. He pretty much ended up having a breakdown and no it's not all about the kids, it's about a change of your expectations, your priorities. And yes it feels like every day it's all about the kids. I'm not defending your DH, but I'm saying it happens. Quite often our marriages disappear and we become shared carers for a child. But they can come back - with hard work and effort on both parts.

Spend some time apart. Try counselling if you can get him to go. But take it slow. Honestly it gets better. You both need to consider what you want, both out of life and your relationship. Your child will always be your bedrock but as she grows you will need more in your life and it'd be nice to have someone to hold your hand as you wave her off to school.

Quit if you have to, but if there's a chance, try and take it. It's not easy, but long term it's worth it.

[KD0706]

pseudonomic I totally agree with you but I really don't think my adoration of DD is what's really causing this. There have been warning signs for years and years but we've always worked things through, mainly I think through me adjusting to what DH wanted.

I suggested counselling back in February when we almost split up but he refused and we papered over the cracks, but obviously only temporarily.

I really wish he wanted to work at things. But who knows, maybe we'll separate for a few months and he'll have a change of heart and want to work it out.

Sorry to hear you've been through a breakup, HampstersDontSwim and thanks for the good wishes. I'm just so sorry this is happening to us. I've been with DH since I was 17!

[pseudonomic]

I don't think your adoration of your DD is anything but normal. :)

I do think though that in these circumstances husbands can feel sidelined. We got to the point where basically we were being horrible to each other, he was really depressed and uninterested and seeking attention through bad behaviour and I was just feeling incredibly isolated and invested all my time instead in the children.

I'm not assuming it's the same for you. But ask some questions before you quit. Find out what the issues are. If nothing else you need to work through them because you are going to have a child to care for for at least the next 16 years. :)

[KD0706]

Oh well. Last night we were both fairly polite and said how sorry we both were that it has come to this.

This morning he's angry, he's going to resign from his work today (he has a new job) and I said I hoped it goes well and he shouted at me that I don't care, he said 'you don't give a s* so don't even pretend that you do'

I can understand him being upset but at the end of the day all he has to say is that he'll go to counselling and I'm 100% willing to give things a shot. I've said that again and again. I even said why not make the separation a trial one and he said no he just wants out.

I just want to cuddle him. We have always been very affectionate and I really feel this space between us. But he needs to change his attitude and behaviour towards DD and I feel if I just go to him and say let's just draw a line under it and carry on, then he will go on as before and we'll be back here again in a couple of months

[akaemmafrost]

Shheesh, what a big baby! and I am not talking about your dd.

"dismissive and uninterested attitude towards her, but that's sometimes veered towards being aggressive."

Does this sound like a grown man or a jealous toddler sibling?

Classic case of a man who is used to being Number one and is laying down the law to let you know he will not be sharing the limelight with anyone, not even his own 15 month old, helpless baby dd. He wont go to counselling because he knows what the problem is and its up to YOU to solve it ie getting back to putting Lord of the Living Room (thats your dh btw) firmly back in No 1 spot ASAP.

Sorry I don't buy into this "its hard for men" crap I really don't. Its hard for everyone and I suspect that he is probably NOT a hands on Dad and the main amount of childcare and related work has fallen to YOU OP.

OP I think you sound great, you are doing things 100% right. Your dd has to come first. The only person with the problem here is your dh. Not you and certainly not your dd. He needs to bloody well grow up, especially after 15 months. The fact that his response to your break up is silly "what do you care" boo hoo, poor me tantrums speaks volumes.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

He sounds pathetic. Is the resignation a dramatic "Look what you've just made me do!" gesture?

[KD0706]

No, the job move has been discussed for a while.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

What does he say/do when he's "aggressive", and when he's "angry" at having his behaviour questioned?

How does it make you feel?

Does he later acknowledge your feelings?

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

I'm also curious: Why does he think you don't care? Or was that just a barb thrown?

Has he formulated any unmet needs or requests that he feels he needs to be happy?

[KD0706]

For example yesterday we were in the car and she was crying and he was yelling at her to shut up. He gets annoyed at her when she fiddles with his papers he yells. He has never laid a finger on her but on one occasion a couple of weeks ago I got a scare that he was going to grab her and hurt her. But that could have been ms overreacting.

No he never acknowledges my feelings. He always says I'm overreacting or exaggerating or being over sensitive.
This is the first time that I've not backed down. If he wants to stay together he needs to acknowledge there's a problem which we both need to work through. Not just me putting my head down and shutting up about things.

It's scary and hard sticking to my guns.

[KD0706]

I don't know why he says I don't care.
I think that when he said he thought we should split, he expected or hoped me to cry and say no I desperately want to stay together. What he said was that he was tired and couldn't be assed with the marriage anymore and I said I was also knackered with it all. And that I wanted to stay together but not as we currently are, suggesting either trial separation or counselling or both.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

It's scary and hard but keep doing it. You're doing well and you're so right.

The alternative is a man who will stoop to intimidating his baby. Not to mention dismissing you, minimising his actions, and blaming you. And scaring you -- you were scared about what he might do to your baby, and your feelings are valid. Up to him to dispel them if they are unfounded, not get more angry at you for having your own feelings, as you have every right to do.

In a word, a bully. Who is allergic to taking responsibility for his own actions.

But you see that.

Just wondering: why do you think the problem is something you "both need to work through"? His behaviour is his own responsibility. in what way do you find your own behaviour problematic?

[KD0706]

He's not given any unmet needs beyond a need fir more attention. And for me to be not so focussed on DD.
I'd be more than willing to try to do more one on one stuff etc. And work on us as a couple. But he doesn't want to work at things. I think he wants me to capitulate and cry and promise to be different. He says he just wants a clean break. But I think if he did want a break he wouldn't be throwing his toys out the pram, saying I don't care etc.

Sorry for the multiple posts

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

Good lord don't apologise. Keep posting!

You sound very lucid, very perceptive. If these posts are helping you work out what's going on, and your feelings about them, then post more.

[KD0706]

Thank you so much for talking this through with ms ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow

I think I can be too obsessed with DD (not sure if that's the right word!) and I could focus on our relationship as a couple more. And I do sometimes wind him up, if I'm in a mood I can be bad for pushing his buttons.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Don't back down. If he chooses to give up on your family, that's his choice. The bratty 'you don't caaaaaaaare' stuff is pure toddler. I hope that he grows up and becomes a decent father, OP. But it honestly sounds like your life would be happier without having to field an overgrown child.

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

Your DD is a baby, you're supposed to be focused on her. As she gets more independent, your focus will shift to be more inclusive. But if he can't be in the background for a couple of years and be supportive, he's not the sort of man you need.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

In what way could you be less "obsessed" with your child? And is that something you would even want, for her and for you?

What would it bring you to focus more on your couple? A happier DH, if that is what would satisfy him. Would it also bring a happier KD and a happier DD?

Do you "wind him up" on purpose? If you don't, do you think his emotions are your responsibility? Are you usually willing to listen to his feelings and adjust your behaviour accordingly?

[greycircles]

This is so common and personally, I think it would be a shame for him to leave at this stage. Very young children are demanding and you are rightly tied up with your DD. He needs to put himself and his fragile ego aside whilst you raise your DD through babyhood. She won't always be a baby/toddler - she'll go to school and things will be more back to "normal". The first 2 years of a child's life are a huge flashpoint for divorces.

[KD0706]

I know greycircles
I agree it would be a shame for him to go now. But what can I do?
He won't engage in a discussion about how to improve things, won't consider counselling.

ItsMe I just don't know, I would love for him to be involved and for us to enjoy DD together. If we were both doing things with her I think he would feel less excluded. But I don't know how I can make that happen.
I don't deliberately push his buttons but sometimesif I'm in a mood I just don't care, perhaps tread less carefully. That sounds like I spend my life on eggshells which I don't. Just that certain things are bound to wind him up

[LondonNinja]

Hi KD0607, Jeez, you sound like me in some ways. DH said he wanted a divorce last night (we have a 22mo DD)... Today he has emailed me and identified some things he says are stressing him, but my feeling is that parenthood just hasn't been the roses round the door scenario he assumed it would be...

Apologies for mini-hijack, just wanted to send you some empathy and just echo the advice, all superb, about this point (the first two years) being a flashpoint for relationships. It is a bit of a shock for some men - and women - or perhaps 'adjustment' is a better word.

FWIW loving and nurturing is not 'obsessing'. It is something to be admired and emulated. Best of luck. I wish I knew the answers, but I am convinced that talking (and proper listening, without prejudice) is one of them - if it is possible to do so.

[KD0706]

Hi LondonNinja lovely to hear from somebody in the same boat, but sorry to hear you're going through a tough time too.
At least your DH has suggested some things which need to be addressed, I guess that gives you something to work on.
Keep in touch and let me know how you get on