I have no excuse.
I always knew he had a girlfriend, though hoped it would end because they hadn't been together long. To begin with we were just friends but there was always an undercurrent.
I should have stopped seeing him when he moved in with her, and I did cool it off for a bit but he started telling me how much he missed me and how he was always thinking of me.
I hoped he'd be with me one day. He was constantly telling me how much he felt for me and cared about me, how lovely I was, how much I meant to him.
The day we first kissed was a shock to us both, but really it shouldn't have been because we'd put ourselves in a position for it to happen.
After we first had sex I tried to end it telling him I wouldn't be the OW. He told me he'd work it out so we could be together.
I only lasted a few weeks before he reeled me in telling me how much he had missed me and wanted to hold me. He told me he loved me.
I tried to end it a few more times but loneliness and his declarations of love always got the better of me. I didn't think of his girlfriend as a person, I convinced myself he was with her for convenience. I didn't let myself think of her feelings or what I was doing to her.
I let myself be convinced that he really did have feelings for me and really did care. I thought he was just playing it safe and making sure it was going to work between us before ending it with her.
It killed me everytime he said he was going 'home'. Because home was her. Being with him was causing me more pain than good, I wanted a real relationship with someone who loved me but instead was pathetically hanging around for scraps.
A few months ago I realised I was never going to be any more to him and ended it. This time I succeeded because I was no longer believing there was any future in it. It still hurts, I fell for him completely and letting go has been hard.
Ironically someone has now told his girlfriend about us. He has denied everything and asked me if I would meet her and convince her we are just friends. Just shows how little my feelings count to him. I've told him I won't do it. I can't lie to save his relationship. If he'd admitted to it and she wanted to confront me I'd find that easier. I know I was wrong and would be willing to face the consequences but I've been complicit in deceiving her enough and won't lie directly to her.
I can't believe I got into this situation. I'm a nice person. I NEVER thought I'd go with someone elses man. I hate myself for doing it. I can't believe I was able to disassociate myself from the reality of her as a person that I was helping to deceive and betray. I feel so stupid for believing I'd have a future with him and am disgusted with myself for even wanting that when he was already with her.
And I'm sorry. To her. And to all the other women that have been cheated on. I really am sorry and I know I have no excuse.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I've been the Other Woman. Feel so stupid and guilty.
working9to5 · 04/05/2011 11:35
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