Bit of a long rambled post, but would appreciate any thoughts

[IOnceWasMe]

I am not sure what to make of my marriage. It has always been a bit strained, in my opinion, however DH has always thought we have a good marriage.

There are so many petty little things I could mention as examples of why I am unhappy, but just to focus on one thing, here is a recent discussion we had.

I initiated the conversation because I was upset. Earlier that day I had felt a bit overwhelmed by things (prob because I had only had about 4 hours of broken sleep due to ds waking, and I am also doing my master's dissertation so I am quite stressed in general). I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and having one of those moments when I felt like I couldn't cope and I suppose I just wanted a hug and a bit of support in a 'you're doing well, you can do it' sort of way. Sounds selfish writing it down, but well, that's what I was looking for rightly or wrongly. I tried to tell dh this and he ignored me. We had arranged to go to the park with the dc's. So once we were back home and the time seemed right, I tried again to discuss why I was upset at him ignoring me being upset. The conversation went a bit like this (I have started keeping a diary to try and work out my thoughts and feelings):

I asked why he didn't want to comfort me when I was upset and asked for it.

He replied he didn't want to touch me because he was scared of me and what my reaction would be.

I asked why? He replied it was because apparently a few weeks ago he tried to kiss me goodbye on the bus and I rejected him which made him feel awful in public. I don't remember this at all, he didn't confront me about it at the time, or at any time in the past few weeks to talk about it. If I had done this and understandably hurt him, I would like to know - why couldn't he tell me and then we could have patched things up instead of just assuming that he should then not touch me at all? (if the shoe had been on the other foot, I'd have been texting him as soon as getting off the bus, asking why he wouldn't kiss me!)

When I asked him this he replied 'You must admit you've been stressed this year' and then went on that it was because I do too much and he wouldn't do half of what I do. (For the record, along with my uni work, I do laundry, looking after children, feeding them and very basic cleaning - so the bare minimum really). He then said that it was understandable that I had so much stress and that is just the price the whole family have to pay for me doing my MA.

I agreed that I have been very stressed and I do feel bad about the effect on the family and I am sorry for that.

He then went on about me being blinkered about life (basically we moved last year and I feel very isolated and lonely here so I want to move back to where we were for support network reasons and also financial reasons. There is a long back story here in terms of discussions but the upshot is that we are moving back once I am finished in a month or so) and how I hate where are living now and see the other place as paradise and perfect and I am not open and able to see what the rest of the world has to offer.

I repeated my reasons for wanting to move (just to be clear, his work has an office in both places and he is free to work in either place. I have told him that if it is important for him to stay here, then we could work something out with him working here and coming home at weekends).

He then replied with 'and you always go on about your perfect au pair family and the perfect dad there.' (I was an au pair about 6 years before I met him. About 2 weeks ago he mentioned about someone sweeping the floor everyday saying 'isn't that excessive?' and I told him that when I was an au pair, the dad and I swept under the table every day when we cleaned up after supper).

And then he went on to talk about how he feels awful because I am always miserable around him and never happy, and only happy when I am watching telly, talking to someone else on the phone, reading stuff online etc. It's true - I am more serious around him and I am unhappy in our marriage. I have tried to talk about this but somehow we are bad at communicating and the conversation always goes the wrong way (another reason I have started a diary, to work out what our communication problems are so we can try to resolve them).

He then went on to say that I am a control freak because of a washing up incident. Another back story here! - a few days previously he said he would do the washing up to help me. I had run the dc's bath and was waiting for them to finish watching their cartoon before the bath. It was literally a few plates etc (we had leftovers) so I thought I may as well do it as it would only take 10 minutes max and then it would be done (he was on his laptop so not about to do it). Often when he offers to do the washing up he leaves it for several days and I didn't think it would be an issue if I did it (I honestly was not trying to control him and would have left it if I realised it would offend him if I had done it).

He finished up by telling me that I am aggressive and I shout at the children and he doesn't like it.

I replied to this that it's true, and I feel bad about that and I will try not to because I know it's not fair.

It is true I have been raising my voice with the children recently. It's definitely something I am not proud of and I know it is because I am stressed and over-tired. Whenever I have raised my voice it has been to say things like 'come on' or calling their names (if they are don't respond after me calling them several times) or to break up a fight (as in 'hey stop that'). I have never called them any names when raising my voice as I feel it's important to focus and criticise behaviour rather than the person and if I have raised my voice I have always apologised afterwards and explained it was wrong of me to shout at them and that I am just a bit tired etc. But, I know I need to work on that, and I haven't raised my voice since (my dad used to shout when we were children, so I am trying hard not to repeat that on my children and make it up if I do slip).

We had this discussion after supper, and while the dc's were watching cartoons, so by this time their programme had finished and I needed to do the whole bathtime / bedtime routine. While I was settling the children, dh went to bed himself so I didn't speak to him anymore that evening.

The next day he acted as if nothing had happened and was back to being sweet and caring.

I suppose I am just asking for an outsider's opinion on this sort of conversation, bearing in mind of course that this is just my side of the story. We do seem to have these sorts of conversations a lot, so I am trying hard to look at our relationship and its dynamics as a starting point to try and resolve why I am unhappy about it.

[IOnceWasMe]

God that was longer than I realised

[overmydeadbody]

Ok, you are clearly astressed and sleep deprived, and add to that the fact that you are unhappy in your marriage and that will cause the kind of disagreements you are now both having.

I'd also agree with you that it sounds like the two of you are not communicating effectively, but you need to respect the fact that just because you would do something one way (like text him once you got off the bus if it had been him who hadn't kissed you) doesn't mean he should have done that too.

Do you want to be happy again in this marriage with this man? Because if you do I think it will require a greart deal of work and effort on your part.

I think keeping a diary to try to pinpoint where communication is going wrong is a really good idea, just don't use it to start blaming him more, I'm sure ou won't.

[violethill]

You seem to be investing a lot of effort into analysing the detail of incidents which 'go wrong'. It may help to focus on why you got together with your DH, and decided to raise a family together, because reading your post, it sounds like a series of fairly minor details, yet clearly you're not happy.

could you make a list of what attracted you and brought you together in the first place? And build from there?

It does sound as though you are quite serious, and needing to be in control of everything, your environment in particular (thinking of how you have hated moving somewhere new, and have now built up your previous life as perfect). Maybe the combination of stress, lack of sleep etc has made you feel you need to try to control other aspects of your life. Could you try to let go a little, and accept that no person, place, or existence, is 100% perfect? There are many shades of grey in life, and part of becoming a contented person is learning to embrace these things, rather than feeling you can only be happy if X,Y,Z falls into place.

It doesn't sound as though you're in a terrible situation, more that you've lost your way a bit, and your DH is now frightened to risk 'connecting' with you in case he gets it wrong.

Hope this helps - none of it meant as a major criticism, just some thoughts.

[SupposedToBeWorking]

I just want to address the bit about the dissertation: you can do it.

This time last year I was doing mine, and you would not believe the transformation of my work between the beginning of August (directionless mess made of pure trauma) and the beginning of September (17,000 coherent words and not a hint of the blind panic that produced it ).

Sorry not to have any wise words about your marriage, but I do see plenty of promising things for a Masters dissertation: eloquence, analytical skill and a strong capacity for self-reflection.

Good luck. Eat well, especially if you haven't slept well. If you might benefit from an extension, ask your supervisor about it now. Most departments are sympathetic to parents, and want to be as accommodating as they can in helping committed postgraduate students to complete their course.

I'll be thinking of you in these final few weeks. The feeling when you hand it in is like this:

You can do it!

[Naetha]

It sounds like you're very overworked/stressed at the moment, and the rest of the family are quite stressed as well.

Is there any way you can get a cleaner or a dishwasher? A dishwasher can be much cheaper in the long run than relate!

Also, it seems like you and your DH aren't quite connecting at the moment - is there any way you can make some time for a "date" together? Get a babysitter and have a night out to the cinema / your favourite restaurant? It makes all the difference, trust me.

Speaking from personal experience, I found relationships with DH were strained when we weren't having much sex, or if the sex we were having was of the pump, squirt, sleep type. Again, it can feel really difficult to make time and space for loving, good sex, but you'd be surprised how much of a good effect it can have on both of you. The more sex we have, the more we want sex, the closer we feel to eachother, and the happier we are. It's easier to prioritise everything else over sex, but actually I think it can be really important for both you and DH. I think people (both men and women) can have a real issue with rejection and non-sexual intimacy (and the confusion of the two) if there's very little positive sex happening. You want a cuddle to cheer you up, he's scared to give you one in case you think he's trying to give you the come-on when you're really not up for it, so he doesn't touch you for fear of being rejected and YOU end up feeling rejected. Happened to me and DH plenty of times.

Is there any way you can turn your date evening with DH into a night away in a hotel? Even if it's just in the local city/big town? Me and DH are going on a night out in Leeds (we only live 10 miles away) in September, staying the night and I am SO looking forwards to it! It's also a real chance to let your hair down a bit, and remember why you're married in the first place!

Also, just remember that phases with children (i.e. them not sleeping through the night etc) are just that - phases. They pass, and you get a bit of respite. Things will get easier and better.

It sounds like you have a good solid foundation of a marriage to build on, you've just lost touch with eachother a little bit.

I really recommend a dishwasher if you can afford it though - saved us so many arguments!

[IOnceWasMe]

Thanks for your replies.

OMDB - very true. I think I just can't understand why, if he has been upset with me for several weeks, he can't tell me until it comes up in a discussion. But that definitely is a personality thing - he avoids any sort of confrontation at any costs until I start a discussion and then it will all come out at once.

To answer your qu, right now I just want to hide under my duvet and pretend the world doesn't exist can't be bothered to keep having the same discussions without going on anywhere and life without him seems easier (one less person to tidy up after for a start!) but I also know that I am very over-tired and stressed and I'm feeling very sorry for myself at the moment (so would never trust myself to make any big life-changing decisions like that!)

Violethill - thanks for your thoughts. Funny you should say that about the beginning of the relationship - something which I still haven't figured out is my role so to speak. I was at uni when I met dh and within 3 months Dh proposed and I said yes thinking we could have a long engagement. I then fell pg straight after that (accident) and we got married a few months later. Before that I had only had a few, crappy, very short-term 'relationships' so I went from being single (and used to it) to being a wife and a mum within 1 year. In retrospect I think everything happened too fast and sort of snowballed and while I don't regret the dc's for one minute, I do wish we had taken the marriage side much slower. Dc 2 was 2 earlier this year and it's only now that I am starting to feel 'normal' for the first time in almost 5 years (I was just starting to feel back to being 'normal' after dc1 when I became pg with dc2). I feel like suddenly my life became a whirlwind around me and I still don't know if I am standing on solid ground, where I am or which way is up. I have told dh this but he hasn't really commented (I suppose what can he say?!)

I can be pretty serious, and I do like things organised, I like my 'systems' and feel I know where I am then. Dh is the exact opposite (he says I have OCD). This is one of the more general things worrying me in our relationship as I feel a need to work out a compromise so that neither of us feel that we are being a martyr to the other. Before children, moving somewhere new was fine. I think though that where we were living before was where I spent most of my adult life and having moved between countries several times, I just couldn't be bothered now to learn a new system and get a new load of friends (it takes me forever to build up friendships as I am quite crap at that - we have lived here for a year and I still don't have any local 'mum' friends just a few friends from my course ). Plus if we stay here I would have to be a SAHM (my salary wouldn't cover childcare) and I need to be able to earn some money as I have uni debts to repay plus I need my own money if I want to buy some clothes or presents etc.

SupposedToBeWorking thank you! That put a big smile on my face! Luckily I love the subject that I am doing and my dissertation is right up my street which makes it all easier although I still have a way to go yet. Still, there's a month left (the coffee industry will collapse when I finally hand it in!)

Naetha - we are moving in about 6 weeks or so, so makes no sense to buy one now but hopefully will have a dishwasher in the new flat. We had one in the old flat and I agree - it is amazing how much of a difference it makes!

Date night with dh isn't really an option at the moment. Another reason I am pushing for us to move back, because then we will be able to have a bit of time together and i will be able to have a bit of time to myself.

You have hit the nail on the head wrt sex. Our sexlife has dwindled to almost nothing (once a month) and this is pretty much because of me I just have had zero sex-drive since having children but was always still able to put some effort into it a least a few times a week. However in the last 6 months or so, I can hardly find the energy even for that. Definitely something I need to work on.

Another epic message - judging by my posts, hitting the wordcount for my dissertation shouldn't be a problem if nothing else

[Naetha]

Just remember it will get better - you're in a very similar situation to how I was 6 months ago, where I was genuinely wondering if it might be easier going it alone.

Both me and DH have put a big effort in (although I'll admit it's mainly been me, as I was the one that needed to change) and our marriage is so much better now than it was. I think I'm very similar to you - it took me a long time to realise how controlling I was, and how much I undermined DH. He never drove or loaded the dishwasher or the washing machine because I always criticised the way he did it. I was of the opinion "well if he can't do it properly, he shouldn't do it at all" but he was doing it fine, it just wasn't the way I would have done it. We still got places safely, the dishes were washed and the clothes didn't all turn pink. I just needed to let go a little. I also realised how much I stepped in when he was doing stuff with the kids - what I thought was reinforcing a telling off, he thought (and rightly) was me undermining him. Essentially I just needed to get off my high horse.

I know stuff is really stressfull for you at the moment (I know me chilling out a bit more helped massively - I started reading trashy magazines and going for the odd drink with my friends) but it will get easier. Once you're moved back to your comfort zone and your dissertation is finished (surely you can get an extension if you're moving house?) then you can start enjoying yourself again.

I know you say you've got no time for a "date night" with DH, but is there no way you can't just have a couple of hours away? I think it will be well worth it - the investment of a couple of hours relaxing will give big returns if you can go back to your dissertation and marriage with renewed vigour and fresh ideas. Even if you can't go out, maybe it would be nice to have a special candlelit dinner and a couple of bottles of wine once the kids are in bed.

Good luck with it all

[IOnceWasMe]

Sorry, I wasn't clear enough (having re-read!) - date night isn't an option right now because there is no-one who can look after the children. Our finances are also a bit tight, so I can't see how we could afford a babysitter, even if we could find one (there are babysitting services here but they are pretty expensive!) When we move back, we have plenty of friends where we could do babysitting swap to give each other regular 'free' babysitting services without anyone feeling like they're being taken advantage of. The last time I tried the date night at home thing, dh decided he wanted vodka with his steak rather than red wine - in the middle of dinner, I had to go up and re-settle ds, i was gone a long time (maybe 30 mins) and in that time dh drank about 3/4 of the bottle on his own. He passed out on the sofa shortly after that (impossible to wake up him when he passes our after drinking) so that went down like a lead balloon. I'll admit though, I haven't made much effort to do a home date night in recent months.

I must admit, I haven't looked at how controlling I am, despite dh repeatedly telling me I'm a control freak (that says a lot doesn't it ) I know I do like things a certain way but I have relaxed the housework a lot since being pg and with dh (out of necessity!) The things I do like, I always felt were a normal, basic level of hygiene (comparing with those around me).

For example, a few months ago I had a 3-day exam. I arranged with dh that I could stay at uni until around midnight each night and he would take care of children. Except he literally didn't do any housework. I had to do the basics when I got home each night. The final night I came home at around 1am and there were dirty clothes everywhere, popcorn and other bits of food ground into the carpet, there were used nappies with wee lying on the floor (at least 2), water all over the bathroom, nearly all the plates etc in the kitchen in the sink and on the cooker (we don't have much kitchen space), rubbish on the floor next to the bin (as in piled up bottles, packaging etc, not something thrown in that had missed and fallen down) and a 2 litre carbonated bottle of water had spilt into the sitting room carpet (apparently he had gone upstairs for a phonecall leaving the dc's downstairs and they had found the bottle and emptied it on the floor.) Surely that's not ok? A bit of mess fair enough - but surely at least you throw the used nappies in the bin and mop up the 2 litres of water if nothing else?

[IOnceWasMe]

On a practical note, one of the things I have decided as soon as we move back is to look into some counselling for me alone to start. As you can see, I have a lot of petty complaints built up inside of me which I have tried to brush off but just looking back through my posts I'm starting to see that I haven't so much brushed them off as brushed them under a mental rug which isn't healthy. I think I need an outsider to tell me what's normal and what's not. What is a realistic expectation of myself, dh and our relationship and what isn't.

[Acanthus]

He should have cleaned that lot up, that's for sure. The fact that he didn't makes me wonder whether he is supportive of your MA or whether he sees it as something for you and he'd rather you didn't do it.

I agree with those who say you probably have a sound foundation for your relationship but have got a bit "lost". It's hard with two little ones and it does get easier.

Good luck.

[strumel]

ioncewasme

I read your post and thought i could have written it.

Then i read your user name, mine was previously usedtobeme

i hope things get better for you. Its not easy being a mother of young kids. Guys just don't have the same level of responsibilty in my opinion. It can be overwhelming. It is easy to feel frustrated that you have become the wife the mother the cook the cleaner and general dogs body when you once had a life. Just remember who you are. You will find yourself again.

Good luck. x

[IOnceWasMe]

Acanthus - on the surface he is very supportive (he encouraged me to go for it - especially once I won a scholarship to pay for 90% tuition fees and a monthly grant for a small but not insignificant amount) but on a practical level he isn't. When I've had assignments due, he has said he'll look after the children so I can work, but then he will let them run in and interrupt me constantly (I don't like studying at uni unless I have to because travelling time uses precious study time).

Before exams there was an important revision class I wanted to attend (2 hours). He told me to bring the children to his office, he would take them to the park opposite while I went to the class (my uni is 15 mins from his work) and then I could pick them up on the way home. I turned up at the agreed time and waited on the street outside with the dc's (you need id to get into the office) and texted him to let him know. He texted me shortly after that he would be out shortly. He came out 45 mins after the time we had agreed and I missed half of my class. Small things like that does make it seem like he thinks my degree is a hobby rather than part of a serious career plan.

Onedeadbadger - yes that sounds like it. I think it must be selfishness but I can't work out if it's conscious or not. MIL does everything in their house. She lives in FIL's shadow (she doesn't leave the house without him - once a month goes to a meeting at the embassy of her original country without him, but he drops her off and picks her up and often even joins her for it). My sympathies - it's horrible still having to deal with the dc's when you're feeling grotty and can only just about sit up.

[IOnceWasMe]

strumel - cross-post! Thanks - I guess you are you again now? Can I ask, what happened in your case? What changed or was it just a case of time and hanging on in there?

[SolidGoldBrass]

I think that the problem may well be that your H sees your dissertation as a 'hobby', because you are a 'woman' and therefore you should be prioritizing housework, childcare and him. He may be thinking this at an almost subconscious level (an awful lot of otherwise nice men can't ever quite get their heads round the idea that they are not inherently more important than women just because women do not have penises) or he may have encouraged you initially but, now he's having to actually share the shitwork and childcare, he's gone off the idea and wants you to give up on the uni stuff and get on with your 'real' job which is putting him first and servicing him.

[IOnceWasMe]

SolidGoldBrass - I think you are right, although I also think that he likes the idea of me 'being educated' (as long as it doesn't interfere with his life). Actually, when we met, I was doing a 2nd Bachelors (no career advice as a teenager and my first degree was because I found it easy rather than actually being any practical use) which I eventually gave up after doing about 80% of it for exactly the same reasons.

He said when we got married that he would be happy for me to work or be a SAHM - my choice, but when dc2 was integrated into nursery (childcare cheap and the norm where we were living) he talked me out of every job I considered (because they weren't good enough) and kept sending me links to jobs for which I blatantly wasn't qualified. (This was how we came to the MA idea). Looking back, this is partly my fault for not just going ahead and applying for what I wanted anyway. This time I intend to apply for everything I can though.

[youngblowfish]

I just wanted to add a few thoughts to the great advice you have already received.

I think your screen ID is really telling: IOnceWasMe. It is entirely normal to feel as though you have no control over who you are after marrying and having kids, because external demands make it impossible for you to actually remember who you are. Patchy support from DH makes it all the more difficult, but he is in a similar situation. He also found himself in a relationship which matured from a uni romance to a family with two small children in less than three years (did I get the maths right?). It is hard even when you planned and prepared for it properly and even harder when it all happened a little too quickly.

But most of all, I admire you. You seem to have taken on board a lot of constructive criticisms from this thread already. You went back to do your MA with two small children in tow and a husband who does not see the benefit of throwing away dirty nappies. I had no kids or DH to look after when I did mine (I moved away from home temporarily), plus a bedder would take out my rubbish every day and clean up after me [spoiled emoticon]. I am sure you will do very well indeed and it will be an amazing achievement. I think you are doing wonderfully well. Leave the big decisions/talks until after you complete your thesis and you will instantly feel less stressed and sorry for yourself.

One more thing: lovely as my DH is, I think we truly understand each others' behaviours and habits only now, after 6 years of living together. We had plenty of time to work on our relationship without being sleep deprived and stressed out. I think I would find him very hard to understand if we were put under the stress of having our first baby within a year of knowing each other. So, again, I think you are coping brilliantly. You may want to work on some communications issues with your DH in the future, but I don't think they pose a serious threat to your relationship.

Anyway, very, very best of luck with your dissertation! I'm keeping my fingers crossed! [Sorry this is so long]

[salmah]

I went from uni student (single uncomplicated life) to mum of 3 kids in four years!!!!! I got pregnant v early aswel so i no exactly how u feel, my H doesnt help with much around the house i have to do 99% of the housewrk, cooking, cleaning looking after the kids etc. Oh and I finished my MA last year (where i got no help with anything from H). Yet still the affect of such big changes in such a short space of time i found the hardest to get over esp when there are additional problems in the marriage. Hopefully when you complete and apply for jobs etc and get your life on track you might feel your 'usual' self returning

[violethill]

Just dipping back in.
The back story you've provided is really interesting and puts into context why you feel as you do.
You went straight from being a carefree Uni student to being a married mother within a very short space of time - that's enough to stress anyone out.
I'm another one who did a Higher Degree - but I did it as a single University student, with none of the domestic drudgery you're having to contend with. So I think you need to go easy on yourself. You're in the same position as a WOHM, but without the luxury of proper paid childcare. I also think there must be a good deal of tension between those two aspects of your life - you are working hard at being a good mum of young children, and simultaneously working hard at a postgrad thesis. It must almost feel like having each foot in different worlds at times.

The other thing that strikes me, is that although you say you can't afford babysitters etc right now, would it help to plan a major event for the future, a short break away with your DH, to be the sort of 'honeymoon' you never had? It must be really hard to go from single life to being a family without any time to get used to being a couple. I know it sounds a bit artificial to 'have a honeymoon' when you've been together a few years, but I do think you've missed out on that 'couple' time. Having something to plan will help you reconnect, and give you a goal.

It seems like although you've got ground down lately, there is nothing fundamentally wrong with your relationship. When you disconnect from eachother, due to stress or whatever, it can be really hard to re-connect, because each partner is fearful of being knocked back. I can imagine your DH feeling that maybe he wants to say or do something, but is worried about getting it wrong, and annoying or upsetting you, so he probably tries to avoid confrontation, but in doing so is avoiding communication too.

You've been given some good practical advice on here, so hopefully the coming months will be easier and more manageable.

[Naetha]

A good place to get babysitters is a nursery btw - the junior staff there are always needing more childcare time for their NVQs/HNDs and babysitting time is an easy way of them to do it. You also know that they're CRB checked etc. Most nurseries if you ring up and ask if any of their staff are looking for occasional babysitting work will take your number and pass it on.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Maybe (well actually, no "maybe" about it) I'm kind of biased due to my own experience, but I'm going to put a harsh interpretation on your H's actions because that's how it smells.

Never mind being afraid of confrontation, he sounds highly manipulative to me. That "don't dare touch you because of your reaction" is a game XH used to play; telling you it's all your fault you're stressed because you do too much without offering to help is another (and believe me, I do not do more than the bare minimum at the best of times); "you always go on about" something you've mentioned once or possibly twice ever; he "would have done" something you've done because he has form for not, in fact, doing it, which both makes you a control freak and gives him an excuse not to do it next time either; laying the guilt on you over how you're treating the children, even though it sounds to me that you're remarkably patient and kind (certainly more than I was ).

Communication issues can be because one partner is tired, stressed or not putting their point over well enough, but they can also be because the other partner deliberately misunderstands - generally because they don't like the direction the conversation is going in.

I'm not saying he's definitely like this, or if he is that he's doing it on purpose, but I doubt very much whether it's all you. He may well be huffy about lack of sex, and moving back from where he moved you to, and be taking it out on you (perhaps subconsciously) with these passive-aggressive techniques. However, the way he stopped you working (ie earning, having some means of independence), before all this non-sex thing, is kind of indicative of manipulation rather than a good man who doesn't do confrontation. What does he gain from all this? A compliant wife who does all the housework, blames herself when things aren't perfect, and will never dare to leave (even if you'd never thought of such a thing). Whether he also half-sabotages your efforts to gain a marketable qualification due to latent inferiority or a desire to keep you dependent is perhaps a conspiracy theory too far.

I'm just saying, don't beat yourself up, carry on doing your best to run a household, a family and a Master's - and the very best of luck to you. Just be a mite suspicious of these accusations of control-freakery etc. It takes two to tango, and I suspect he's doing the waltz on purpose to throw you out of step. But as I say, my interpretation is likely to be on the suspicious side. Maybe you are a complete nightmare who bites his head off for the slightest thing, but don't even realise it yourself. I just... don't think so.

[IOnceWasMe]

Thanks again for your replies.

I have been thinking about this a lot and definitely agree that we missed out on getting used to each other as a couple before being thrown into being a family. That is absolutely something we need to work on.

I am hoping that it will change things once I am properly paid employment, as that will be the first time we will be on more of an equal footing financially. At the moment I feel like he treats me like a child (just my perception - he disagrees with me), so I am hoping that if we can organise our finances so that we contribute equally to the family income, it will help to even out a lot of the domestic responsibility between us. (shouldn't have to be like that, and the idealist in me doesn't believe money should be a factor in determining power relations, but it is here and probably is in a lot of areas in life).

For a practical plan of action I will make more of an effort to try and reconnect with him. In fact, I already started last night. I think I may suggest we try to have non-laptop time though as we are both guilty of sitting there doing work on our laptops once the children are asleep. Fair enough we both need to work, but we also need to set at least a little bit of time aside without the laptops. I will also see if i can arrange a babysitter (thanks for that tip!)

I'll stick with my plan of starting to see a counsellor once we have moved. I think it could help me in working a few things out. I have tried counselling before and know there are a few issues there that need working through (who doesn't have these?!) but it was too much for me and I didn't continue for various excuses reasons.

I will also see if I can eventually persuade him to go for couple counselling with me (well, he'll agree straight away if I suggest it as he has before, but it's getting him to actually go and do the work required - something always comes up at work etc - so I need to get him to stick with his promise of going and doing the work this time) so that we can perhaps learn how to communicate with one another.

The practical advice on here has been great - I need practical, concrete plans right now.

I am feeling more and more like I am starting to withdraw from him - I suppose as a defence mechanism as he is a dark horse and although he is very charming, intelligent etc on the outside (up-to-date with current affairs and very good at talking at that level), he is completely closed on the inside and doesn't really show emotion (he never cries or gets upset or gets visibly angry, even with big things. His asthmatic cousin collapsed and was put on a life-support machine just before Christmas. I kept asking how she was and he didn't really know, then one day early Jan said, 'oh yes, my dad told me a few days ago that they turned the machine off just before Christmas I think' and that was it - I tried to comfort him, but he's so expressionless (I suppose good at hiding his emotions? Scared of showing them?) that I have no idea if I helped, how he was feeling, if I was doing the right thing to comfort him or what) so I think we could both do with some counselling.

I think the key for me is to take this one step at a time to try and figure things out, first by getting myself more on stable, emotional (identity!) ground, and the the relationship - I need to define me and then build the relationship up from that, otherwise I think I run the same risk of the relationship defining me and who I am. If that makes sense?

See, I'm rambling again! It's nice to air all these thoughts though - stops them churning quite so much in my mind!

[Anniegetyourgun]

Um... 'scuse me... if a man is really upset about his cousin dying but afraid of showing his emotions, wouldn't he actually, like, know or even show any signs of wanting to know how she was, even when/whether she'd died, rather than waiting for his dad to get round to mentioning it? That really sounds like someone who doesn't care that much. Doesn't necessarily mean he's a cold fish but it doesn't sound like someone who was particularly close to that cousin. Like, I haven't seen some of my numerous cousins in years, and if I happened to hear that one of them had died I would certainly be sorry about it, but it probably wouldn't touch me personally as it wouldn't be my loss, if that makes sense. You may be projecting feelings onto him that he just isn't feeling.

[IOnceWasMe]

Annie - cross-post!

Your post threw me a bit actually.

The manipulation side is a tricky one - I have thought about it before but then it's hard to work out where the boundaries are? I'm sure everyone can be manipulative at some points in their lives? And when it's petty things, it makes it harder to work out who is being manipulative, who is being over-sensitive, who is reading too much into things? (Gah - my thoughts always chase round after each other and I always end up confusing myself!)

Dh often ignores me for long periods (I sound like a toddler there! But I mean looks straight at me and doesn't respond verbally or through expressions to something I've said to him and then doesn't really say anything other that what's necessary for what can seem like days) and to me it feels like he's sulking or angry. But when I had those few counselling sessions, the counsellor told me that I am incredibly sensitive and pick up on the slightest emotions, so it could just be a case of him inwardly being pissed off at something stupid (delays on the tube or something) and me picking up on that and then misinterpreting it as a reflection of how he feels towards me? I don't know.

I need to think a bit more about what you wrote. I keep swinging back and forth in my mind.