Tell me to stop being a competitive Mum...

[MerryMarigold]

...okay I am feeling a bit down about my ds1. I went to see his teacher yesterday and whilst waiting for her, I took a look at the 'groups' the kids are in. He's in the 2nd from bottom in reading and maths. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but it is...mostly because we live in a very deprived area. The other kids (there's only about 4 in the class) who come from similar families to ours are all in the top 2 groups (of 6/7 groups). So basically, the kids we went to toddler group with, and NCT bumps and babies etc. are all doing really well, but my ds isn't. I feel like: what did I do wrong? Or what is wrong with him? I keep trying to find out if there's something wrong with him, but maybe it's just to make me feel better because I haven't done what I should have done with him, which would have helped him out at school. It's really bugging me. My Mum keeps pointing out that he's made a lot of progress this year, but so have the other kids, to the point that I think he's around a year behind them. He's also left out socially, which I can empathise with, as I was too BUT I always got my self esteem from being top of the class, so it makes it harder for me to accept that my son is not even average and I'm not sure where/ how to help him feel good about himself.

[pigsinmud]

Never look at other books! What year is your child in? They really do progress at different speeds. My ds1 struggled to learn to read and needed extra help in year 1. Fast forward to year 9 and he is now in the top group and doing fantastically well in English.

You have already said he has made great progress so concentrate on that and try not to worry about what others doing.

[MerryMarigold]

He is in Y1! Thanks for the encouragement. I keep telling myself that they develop at different rates...but then I see stuff about how IMPORTANT the Early Years are and it sets them up for life. I also think: well, if he's always below average that's ok too and you need to deal with it. Just feel so conflicted! But it's great to hear a happy ending too. Thankyou .

[BrigitBigKnickers]

DD1 did fantastically well in infants- top of the class even though one of the youngest.

Now taking GCSEs, working amazingly hard to stay in the B bracket. (Very proud of her- she is an amazing, resilient, hard working pupil).

DD2 struggled to start with even though the oldest in her year group. Now at grammar school and desined for A*s all round.

DO NOT COMPARE- they all progress at different rates- support him, have fun with him, don't stress him out, don't stress yourself out.

[booboobeedoo]

Yes and don't make assumptions about intelligence levels depending on whether you mum was in the NCT or not.

[pigsinmud]

My dd2 is in year 1 and she has become aware of different groups for maths and literacy. She talks about one group being higher than another. Is your ds aware of this? I know my boys were pretty oblivious of groupings until end of year 2.

As long as he is happy and not worried by the groups then try not to worry. I do understand how you feel as we all want our children to be in the top group, but as long as he is doing his best and enjoying learning then don't worry.

[MerryMarigold]

Nope, not about intelligence levels at all (NCT ref), but that most of the kids are not even English as first lang speakers so ds1 SHOULD have a natural advantage because he doesn't have to learn a language at the same time as read it and write it. He's also not having to deal with his dad being deported, being on the poverty line, being babysat by a TV whilst his parents work all hours etc. etc. That's what I meant. It's clear that the more privileged kids are at the top (along with others, but still ALL of them are up there) because they are clearly advantaged.

[MerryMarigold]

He doesn't talk directly about it, but I think he's aware. He's pretty perceptive, and the 2 kids we have most contact with - his best 'friend' and the boy we walk to school - are constantly pointing out that he's not good at stuff. I don't think he'd be able to articulate it.

[CecilyP]

How old is he? Is he quite young in year, because that can make a lot of difference this early in their school career. Also, girls tend, on average, to be doing better than boys. If the teacher has 6 or 7 groups, they are possibly not as rigid as you might think. I am sure you haven't done anything wrong. I think your mum is right and you should concentrate on the progress he has made.

[breadandbutterfly]

Why not ask the teacher how he's doing and which areas you can work on at home? Or compare him to what you remember you were doing at that age and see if he is too. That's not to say you should worry if he's not, just take steps to help him in areas he's currently not doing so well in.

By the way, don't assume all kids who don't have English as a first language struggle at school! - from some cultures they may be pushed much harder and do better...

[IndigoBell]

MM - being aware that your child is not doing well is a good thing.

What you're describing is concerning. You are right, your child should not be making the same progress as kids who don't speak English, whose parent's don't speak English, who don't get support at home......

It's not about being a competitive parent, it's about being aware of problems so that you can address them.

I think it's very dangerous to not compare kids at all. To say well my child is a year behind every other kid in the class, but it doesn't matter.

To assume that all kids develop at different rates and therefore your kid will be fine is very dangerous. If that was true how come so many kids do fail. (GCSEs, to get jobs....)

The only way you can know if there is a problem is by comparing.

Do not stick your head in the sand and say if I don't know what the other children are like there won't be a problem with my child.

[Iamnotminterested]

MerryMarigold I would find others to walk to school with if they are saying things like that to your son. Little shits. He doesn't need that every day.

[MerryMarigold]

Iamnotmint , I would love to not walk with him and we don't 2 days a week but the other 3 days we need to. I have no control over the best 'friend' but since he seems to have dumped ds and asked him not to play with him anymore (this has gone on for a couple of weeks, so it's not flash in the pan), hopefully we can get rid of that one. Actually ds1 seems happier even though he went through a broken heart for a while.

CecilyP, he is not young. He is a Nov bday, but he is very immature for his age (apparently). Reception and Y1 have said the same thing.

Indigo. Thanks again. You're really helpful. It's such a balance isn't it? Between being concerned/ actively finding out what's wrong (if anything)/ supporting at home/ becoming a bit obsessive (me!) and being relaxed/ accepting him for who he is/ expecting he will grow out of it/ seeing the progress. I find it so hard to balance and seem to veer between the 2.

[Hullygully]

Talk to the teacher about your concerns. Say you couldn't help noticing, and you don't want to be mad, and of course they all learn differently etc, but should you be doing anything to help/encourage?

[allaboutthename]

Merry, DS is same age and is below average. I blame myself although I know realistically my DH & I invest lots of time supporting him but that sense of blame doesn't disappear. My other dc's do well at school and I worry for DS as school seems to a struggle. I don't feel I'm competitive at all, I just want DS to feel confident in school and have good self esteem. I'm also wondering if there are learning challenges and therefore should I be pushing for an assessment. We had parents evening at the start of year1 and the teacher thought he was ok as he was making progress, albeit very slowly.

He is aware of how 'good' he is relative to his friends..all the children have that awareness as books are levelled and they know that they go 'up' levels so I don't think I can shelter him from that knowledge.

I am hoping that maybe he is a late developer but that's not what my instinct is telling me.

[Agincourt]

Is he your eldest? :)

You honestly need to stop worrying. He is yr 1 and comes from happy home with an obviously loving Mother and that counts for alot when you are 5/6 yrs old. Read with him, do fun games with him, maths games on the computer, board games, make learning fun by all means but you honestly have nothing to worry about. Some children are just slow starters, some are just avergae (and that's okay too) but the fundamental part of your son having a happy, loving childhood is there, what he scores in maths/english tests isn't as important as that will come.

[CailinDana]

I don't know if it's any consolation but my DH was rubbish at school, and still can't spell the most simple words, but he has a PhD and is employed at a prestigious university where he is highly valued. I on the other hand was star pupil all my life and am a SAHM - never had anything in the way of a career. I don't think academics really matter in the long run - the important thing is self-belief and motivation to do something you really enjoy, no matter what that is.

[Hullygully]

My ds sat and cried at age 7 because he couldn't write a sentence. He sat in the classroom while the other children went out at break, because he was determined to do it. When the teacher told me, I wanted to blow up the school with boiling rage.

Children, especially boys, devp at different speeds. Merry, if your ds is feeling bad, tell him we all have switches in our heads that go on at different times, the writing switch, the reading switch, the eating nicely switch etc. Put in some he is good at! It gives them the confidence that they will be fine when their switch goes on.

These days my ds is an academic high flyer.

This early stuff means NOTHING!

[MerryMarigold]

I had a chat with her, Hully. She said he's making good progress and she just brought up that he wriggles a lot when he needs to be sitting still listening on carpet/ in hall. (see other thread). I did ask if she had any concerns and she said, "I don't think he's dyspraxic" as if she read my mind!! I'm almost 100% sure she'll say he'll get there in the end...he's just developing more slowly. I just don't know whether to push more.

allaboutthename, it's so hard isn't it? My ds is very intelligent in other ways - he's extremely sensitive and perceptive of other's emotions, he's very visually aware, he notices the smallest things. But yes, the self esteem is a big thing . He's my oldest so I'm still blaming myself, though my other ds and dd (3yo) don't have all the same issues. Dd is probably more similar but has the advantage of being a girl and ds2 is very 'advanced' although I feel he is less 'intelligent' IYSWIM. I'm sure he'll always do well at school, but if he doesn't I'll be properly beating myself up!

[R2PeePoo]

My brother struggled at school too and he suffered from my parents continually comparing him to me.

They took the approach of encouraging his other interests, in his case mechanical things (one year he got an old lawnmower for his birthday to take apart) and then computers.

He ended up scraping through his GCSEs and A-levels (D, F and U). He dropped out of university after a year. However he then went for jobs in IT and he got a job based on his enthusiasm and knowledge, despite the fact he was the least qualified. Now he is extremely happy and settled and at 27 has been sent on many training courses by his company which he managed perfectly and passed easily.

Is there something else your DS does well in, perhaps he would like to try something new. It would give him an opportunity to make new friends and build his confidence too. A sport, an activity or even a subject (my brother loved books on military tanks and planes) that would give him more confidence. I'd also speak to the teacher as others have said to ask for more advice.

Not everyone excels at school and not everyone who excells at school will do well in the future . You sound like an interested, loving, involved mother who wants the best for her son, and thats the best thing for him.

[Hullygully]

My ds fiddled a lot. He had one v understanding teacher who let him have worry beads to fiddle with.

They are little. Their bodies are telling them to get up and run around, not sit on the silly mat, unfortunately!

[Hullygully]

Don't push him! If his fine motor skills haven't kicked in, he'll fail and get frustrated and unhappy and lose confidence.

[Agincourt]

a sensitive, perceptive older child is very normal :) Really, stop beating yourself up, he sounds lovely and you sound like a very good Mother and that's what children need imo. This is all far more important than getting 20 out of 20 in their spelling test

[MerryMarigold]

Thanks Hully and Cailin. The switch thing is a great idea. I have tried to explain, but not with that. I'll have to wrack my brains with what he's developed in that others (that he admires) haven't!!

[Agincourt]

I think they gain FAR much more out of learning through play too. Don't make it about learning ina traditional sense, just do normal fun family stuff, days out to parks, kicking a ball around, board games, watching a film together and coooking together, all will build self esteem

[Hullygully]

I did the switch thing with ds. Including, being kind, eating well (any old thing..!).

We also used to have to do lists of all the things he was good at, versus things he had yet to master.

oh god I had forgotten all those lists. He couldn't go to sleep until we had done a list and put it under his pillow.