Apologies for what I'm sure will be the rambley nature of this, I haven't slept for 2 days.
I fell pregnant by my ex. We were together 4 years, towards the end of last year we were trying to work things out after he told me he didn't know if he was in love with me any more. We were "dating" and trying to work it out, I had a feeling might be seeing someone else but he denied it. Until i found out that he had been on holiday with her- told me he was going away alone to "do some thinking". We broke up just after that, in the new year. In February - at which point I didn't think he was still seeing the OW- we got drunk and had sex, and I ended up pregnant.
At first I was devastated because I thought I would either be a single mother or have to have an abortion. He told me neither of those things would happen and he would support me. Over time things got worse. He got angry, tried to convince me to have an abortion but I couldn't do it. I got as far as the clinic, when I was 8 weeks, and had to leave as I was so distressed. He has called me a few days before and told me I didn't have to do it, he didn't think I should, he didn't want me to, etc. but when I didn't, he was apoplectic and said some really terrible things.
One of his big objections has been that he will want to have a relationship with someone new, and that having a baby with his ex will make that impossible. Turns out "someone new" was this OW who, quite rightly, he assumed wouldn't want to know him after she found out he was still sleeping with me after we had broken up, and that he has had weeks to tell her I am pregnant but hasn't done so.
The last few weeks have been really nice between us and I have finally felt good about the pregnancy, and excited, and supported. However he told her this weekend and, after flying off the handle, she said he could "tell that fucking bitch I'm not going anywhere so she can get used to me being a secondary carer to her child". It also came out lastnight that he slept with her, in my home, way back in July when I was back in the UK (we live abroad) as we thought a bit of space might help us work things out.
I feel betrayed all over again. He lied to me for months and months and months. Called me crazy when I asked if there was something going on. But to find out he had sex with her in my bed, while I was away, sobbing every day and changing in all the ways I thought he wanted...that really hurts. When I yelled at him about it he told me he wouldn't have done it if I hadn't been so fucking fat and a crap girlfriend (I gained some weight but less than a stone and was never bigger than a size 12, after I had had an abortion and got depressed about it). When I screamed at him he called me a fucking psycho. He has no sympathy for the fact that this is a new bombshell and the home we continue to share now feels completely violated. I didn't sleep all night, I feel sick and awful.
I thought we were going to coparent, and do it well. Now he is being awful to me, has said I have 2 weeks to move out, and that he is going to have a relationship with this OW (for the record, I knew at some point he would be with someone else, which hurt because I still love him, but I can't bear the thought of it being her. She took my partner away from me, to hand my baby over as well would be awful).
I would have no job and no benefits entitlement if I moved back home to the UK, so I feel like if I have the baby I am stuck here, in this awful situation, heartbroken and unable to forgive. I forgave everything else for the sake of the baby but sleeping with someone in my bed and making me feel crazy for even suspecting is unforgivable in my eyes.
I feel panicky and lost and resentful of the baby. I so desperately wanted children, and I'm scared that if I don't have this one I might never have any. I'm 32, single and completely broken. I have had almost a year of heartbreak and pain and it will take a long time to get over. But I am scared that that is a selfish reason to have a baby and that it will be an extremely damaging environment to bring it into.
So, I am considering abortion. I would be around 17+3 at the earliest I am able to do so. I know that is horrific and awful but I don't see any other way. I have a history of depression and I don't believe I can rely on him. I am isolated and every time I think of the OW and of the relationship he and I had it physically hurts.
What should I do?
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Abortion at 17 weeks
72 replies
Thelittleredhead · 19/05/2016 08:50
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