GP appointment this afternoon

[thequickbrownfox]

So, discovered I am pregnant again two days ago. I have a DD (7) and baby of 10months, plus two stepchildren who are regularly with us. Live in a three bed house. The practicalities of another baby are impossible, in terms of space and financially. We're managing nicely as we are, really enjoying our baby and I'm frightened to plunge us into a world of overstretched stress. There are the inevitable challenges of blended families, and I think we are (broadly speaking) on top of those.

The more I think about it, the more I just want this not to have happened.... I'm pro-choice but deeply uncomfortable with the idea of a termination. Yet I think that is what I have to do. I don't think we can cope with another baby and we certainly don't have space for one.

[mellowyellow1]

Didn't want to read and run, you sound conflicted and confused, which is totally normal. Do you want this baby or would you be keeping it just because you feel uneasy about termination? Once you work out what you really want you can begin to put the steps into place

[Ohdeargawd]

Poor you - it is a shitter. Talk to your GP and your partner and see how you feel - what is your gut instinct? I had an abortion 2 weeks ago (4th pg, unplanned, DH works away quite a lot, youngest is 20 months old - just felt I couldn't cope and he was also v anti). Was fine initially after (in fact, better than fine - felt total relief and like I'd got my life back - but now am deeply sad and wondering what on earth I was thinking. Keep thinking about the baby and how I'd now be 9 weeks pg and getting ready to have that first scan and tell our friends and family. FWIW, I have a 16 month age gap between DS1 and DS2 and it was flipping hard work to start with, but absolutely brilliant now.

[thequickbrownfox]

Thanks both, for your replies. I'm completely conflicted and now I have a sense of perfect removal from the whole thing too, which is weird.

There's a 7 year age gap between our other kids and our youngest. We simply don't have space for another child, plus I was about to go back to work after the new year. I am veering between just wanting to stop this situation from existing, and looking at my baby and hating myself for even considering ending this pregnancy. I honestly can't believe I'm in this situation.

The GP was fine - apparently the hospital will call today or tomorrow with an appointment date, when they will do a scan and swabs. Then give me a date for the procedure. I don't know if I can go through with it after a scan...can imagine it'd be a complete game changer.

At the same time I honestly don't know whether I could go through another delivery - my youngest was 10lb and got stuck on the way out which was quite traumatic. I feel so, so fortunate to have her and am frightened to put everything at risk by stretching us all too thinly.

[thequickbrownfox]

Ohdeargawd ....

I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling afterwards, I'm frightened I'm going to feel exactly the same. It's not exactly something you can "undo", and I know I have to be able to live with whichever decision I make in the long term.

[mellowyellow1]

You won't have to see the scan as they will turn the screen away from you. There is no good in hating yourself as you have done nothing wrong.

It's a tough situation to be in but you can get through it. Just don't remove yourself so far from the situation that you end up avoiding making any kind of decision.

[WolfAlice]

Oh, I really feel for you. I know how awful this situation is. I had a termination exactly a week ago today. Its shit. I wanted it to just disappear but it won't so a decision needs to be made and its really tough when neither outcome is 'good'.

I found the build up and signing consent forms etc difficult. I thought the scan would change my mind but it didn't - you don't see anything, no chatting. Its nothing like a scan in pregnancy.

I have a severely disabled daughter and a 8 month old so I always knew this pregnancy couldn't continue and deep down I knew termination was the likely outcome. This didn't make it any easier and I did have to emotionally distance myself, so long as you remain sure of what you are doing. I had a lot of doubts and turmoil but I think gut instinct counts for a lot and mine invariably always felt termination was the right choice.

I have regrets and what ifs, I think sadly I always will. But you have to go with what's ultimately best for the family you have now. Nobody can judge you for that.

Good luck whatever you choose. I know exactly how horrid you must feel right now

[thequickbrownfox]

So sorry for you ladies who have also gone through this .

Thank you so much for your responses, they are helping me feel less alone in this huge decision. The doctor said I'd hear from the hospital with an appointment date but nobody has rung so I'll call the surgery again tomorrow and check it hasn't fallen off somebody's desk.

I'm feeling very detached from it all which I'm not sure is a good thing. I want to be lucid so I don't make a wrong decision and crash afterwards when it's too late.

[Ohdeargawd]

OP, have you got your appt yet? How are you feeling? I know what you mean about being detached...I amazed myself at how in control emotionally and detached I was in the run up to the abortion. I had friends staying over half term and told them a lie about going to a work lunch (despite being on holiday) when I was actually doing a six hour round trip from our holiday place to the hospital for my scan and sign off by the second doctor. I carried on pretending my life was normal even after taking the first pills which stop the production of progesterone, and my cramps and sickness started at the local swimming pool where my two eldest were having swim lessons and all us mums were sitting about eating cake and drinking tea. The day after the abortion I worked from home and pretended I was absolutely fine! Great! No big deal! It hit me about ten days later. I knew it would. Make sure your practical reasons for terminating are sufficiently robust in your head and heart that you will feel an element of peace when you hit the grieving stage. I definitely felt I had no choice. I knew and know that if my dh had been delighted, even though it was unplanned, I would have gone through with it (despite fears like yours of a stressful birth and so on...I have also had skin cancer and part of me worried that a pregnancy would bring something like that on again). Good luck OP and be brave. It is a shitter, that is for sure but you are not on your own in the slightest. Do what is best for you and your family and that is the decision you will live best with.

[thequickbrownfox]

Thanks so much for asking. I'm ok....I've been so busy, there was a big family do at ours this weekend so that has kept me really busy.

I've a horrible sense of unreality at the moment in all honesty! As though nothing's really happening.

I did not hear anything after my appointment on Tuesday (doctor said to expect a call from the hospital within a couple of days), so called the surgery on Friday morning and the receptionist said "oh!" there was a letter in the drawer for me which I collected straight away. It's basically a form under the abortion act with the doctor's sign off. No frills.

There's no indication of what to do with the form so I assume I just take it to the hospital when they give me an appointment. I'm feeling a bit lost about that, as I was hoping to hear from them and nothing has happened. It's as though the whole thing has been lost in translation somehow. So I'll probably give the surgery yet another call tomorrow and attempt to find out what is happening.

DP keeps suggesting we go ahead with it, while sharing my concerns and being very supportive of the fact that it's my body I don't think he likes the idea of a termination. I know my limitations though and I think five kids would just finish me off.

I'm actually perturbed by how matter of fact I am being and feeling. I know I have a crash coming.

[Ohdeargawd]

Sounds odd that the surgery are being so lackadaisical. My GP made the call to the clinic for me so when I called I was expected. I had to make the appt myself though. Perhaps call the clinic direct?
It's a good thing you are being so detatched - funny how with other (wanted) pregnancies we revel in every single day and delight in the whole thing, but with this situation we just don't feel the same. I had no inclination to even know the EDD. Sounds like you know your mind and that's going to help afterwards.

[thequickbrownfox]

Didn't hear anything today either, despite asking for a call from the gp and explaining to the receptionist I should have had a call from the infirmary last week. I'm starting to feel a bit agitated about it - if I knew who / which department at the hospital to call I'd just do that. The gp I saw last week is on leave this week. I'm worried because I know my choices will be limited if too much time passes...

[thequickbrownfox]

So now I've workgot s out what's happened. The doctor received an appointment letter for me in the middle of last week which he should have passed on and didn't. I should actually have been at an appointment yesterday morning! They've rearranged it so I'm going in tomorrow for the consultation.

[mellowyellow1]

Glad you are getting seen now, I actually went directly to Marie Stopes with no need to contact doctors at all, so every place must work differently.

Good luck tomorrow and hope that you feel okay about things.

[srslylikeomg]

Just de lurking to say best of luck for tomorrow and to offer a slightly different perspective in that I have had a termination and never regretted it. I felt relieved and I knew and know I did the right thing for me. That didnt change at all after the event. I regretted it had happened in the first place but did not feel anything other than practical and pleased once it was all over. Let go of how you "should" feel and what you "should" do and try to access, without shame or obligation, how you actually DO feel. I think really allowing yourself to feel what you feel is very important. Best wishes to you.

[thequickbrownfox]

Thank you both! I had a complete wobble this morning but I'm probably about 80% sure I'm doing the right thing.

Those of you who have been through it - what should I expect? A few days of discomfort? Do I need to think about having a bit of child free time or will I basically be able to get on with normal activities?? I have the nhs leaflet but it'd be useful to have a real idea of how it will actually play out.

[thequickbrownfox]

I'm just wishing it hasn't happened in the first place. I don't feel pregnant, just very tired. Totally different from how I felt when I was carrying dd2 this time last year. It's bizarre.

[mellowyellow1]

I think it depends on what kind of procedure you're having, I had surgical but was absolutely fine and back to work within 2 days. Likewise I have heard people say the same about the medical option.

Maybe book yourself a couple of days off just to relax afterwards and get your head together

[FluffyPersian]

I had a surgical termination 1.5 weeks ago - I'm still (lightly) bleeding, however didn't need any pain killers at all - they apparently gave me some when I was under the anesthetic, however I was actually surprised at how little pain and discomfort I was in.

I had mine on Saturday morning and on Sunday I was lifting furniture as I was moving house. I had Monday off work and I'm glad I did, but that was more from a 'mental' perspective than a physical one - I worked from home on Tuesday and was back at work on Wednesday.

I don't regret it, however I didn't expect the emotional / feelings to be the side I struggled with - I had very different reasons for terminating, but I suggest not booking too much in... and if possible, take it easy as you don't know how you'll feel. I hope it goes well

[srslylikeomg]

I had a medical abortion and was given the first tablets, went home and passed a lot of blood overnight, nothing very scary but like a very heavy period. I went back the next day for the next dose and stayed on the ward. They checked my bleeding and as it was light scanned and confirmed the pregnancy had ended. I felt fine, absolutely fine. I went home that afternoon and was back at work the next day. The nurses were so kind and very supportive. One confided she had had a termination a week earlier and was v sensitive to me and the other women. Good luck and I hope you can start to put this behind you soon.

[thequickbrownfox]

Thanks so much. Yesterday was difficult, but I am booked in to the hospital for the first pill on Monday, and the second lot on Wednesday - I'm going to have to stay on the ward for that part of it, for up to six hours. Had some dreadful moments of doubt yesterday but I am as sure as I possibly can be that I'm doing the right thing for our family. It's just so hard as I know if I went ahead we would love it like we do the others.

[Ohdeargawd]

That's good you have your appt at last - how do you feel now that there's a date?
I'm 3 weeks on from my medical abortion now and found out yesterday that I'm still pregnant...(had to pee on a stick 3 weeks after the abortion) - had to go back in for a scan - nothing there, but am still bleeding heavily so did blood test and have to go back tomorrow for another blood test where they'll either tell me my HCG levels are falling (as expected) or that it's the second coming! Super confusing - and really set me back yesterday to see on paper (or, chemically), I'm still pg. Bleeding is not great either, explains why I've been feeling so faint I suppose.

[thequickbrownfox]

Oh gosh, how are you feeling about that? Is it an anomaly of some kind do you think, or could it really have failed to work?

[Ohdeargawd]

It definitely worked- the scan showed a mercifully empty uterus, but perhaps just cannot pick up small remaining tissue (or as they call it, 'product'). The presence still of pregnancy hormones explains why I have felt so emotional about it all perhaps. I wish it had been a negative test so I could start to draw a line under it all. Anyhow, to really fuck me up, today I found out my mother has motor neurone disease which has a prognosis of about two years. This has superceeded my emotional fuckwittage about the abortion and subsequent emotional roller coaster ride I have been on, including the positive test yesterday. For the first time in about a fortnight I am relieved that I had the abortion and can at least focus on her and travel to see her (albeit not that easy with three small kids and living the other side of the uk from her, but still, better than three small kids and a bump or four small kids, right??). Talk about curve balls. Sending you strength and emotional resilience!

[thequickbrownfox]

So sorry to hear about your mum , God life is so cruel sometimes, what awful news. How far away from her are you? Do you have brothers or sisters who are around to help support her?

I misunderstood your last post about the pregnancy test, how confusing and destabilising for you, and now all this to cope with, although I can understand the news about your mum must have catapulted you into a whole other place.

[Ohdeargawd]

Good luck tomorrow quick and of course on weds which will be harder. I might need a dose of chemo (really) to sort my high 'static' hormone levels out, but am going to have to refuse to do anything this week as I need to get south to see mum. My brothers are both abroad, I feel like I am about to turn into a robot.