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Pregnant at 43 - not sure I want another one

(79 Posts)
CM2 Sun 12-Jun-05 21:43:22

Find myself unexpectedly pregnant at 43, already have 2 girls 5 and 8 and really don't want to go through it all again. Have really started to enjoy the freedom I have now that they are at school. My hubby would love another one, but says he will support what ever decision I make. Not sure if I could go through with at termination but really don;t want a baby. Anybody else in this situation?

expatinscotland Sun 12-Jun-05 21:45:03

My gran had a baby at 47. Her youngest was 9 (she was married young, but lost her first husband and child to disease).

That little boy became an accomplished pianist and surgeon.

Wish you the best in whatever you decide.

charleepeters Sun 12-Jun-05 21:45:21

no im not, but what about adoption?

Frizbe Sun 12-Jun-05 21:46:25

No, I'm not, sorry, we're still trying for no.2, if you really don't want another, how about adoption, rather than termination? although again would you be able to live with yourself giving your child away? I know you have a really hard decision ahead of you and I'm sorry I can't make it any easier {{{Hugs}}}

starlover Sun 12-Jun-05 21:46:32

gosh... i am not in this situation, but have had a termination in the past... it was the most difficult decision i have ever had to make.

This sounds probably quite silly... but have you sat down and made a list of ALL the pro's and cons of having baby.... and another of all the pros and cons of not having one...

It's a very difficult decision for you to make, and I do hope that you manage to find a way through it!

KatyMac Sun 12-Jun-05 21:46:58

Have you just found out - Are you in Shock?

Earlybird Sun 12-Jun-05 22:46:00

If you ever think you'd want another baby, the time is now. At 43, it's unlikely you'll have another chance to make this decision. It's important for me to say here that I am not opposed to abortion.

The decision to terminate a pregnancy is a huge one for any woman. But, it would be a much tougher decision if I were in a stable/loving relationship (as you appear to be based on information in your post), there were no health problems/risks in proceeding with the pregnancy, and it wasn't financial disaster.

I hope I'm not being too blunt when I say that the prevailing tone of your note (as I read it) is that another pregnancy would be inconvenient. Personally, I think there are times when we simply go with what fate brings us, and figure it happened for a reason. But, everyone is different, and only you can decide what is right for you. Please understand, I am not judging, but I couldn't terminate if I were in your situation. The scope for guilt/regrets would be far too great for me.

Best of luck with this difficult decision.

aloha Sun 12-Jun-05 23:01:39

Can you project yourself a few years - say, five - into the future and imagine yourself with and without this child, having had a termination....really try to picture yourself and your life and your husband and kids in detail. How do you feel?
Does that help at all?
I'm not in your situation, but I do know my friend had two kids, contraception failure, unexpectedly pregnant, morning after pill failed, absolute horror, but now is so in love with her daughter. Your girls will actually be able to help you with this baby if you have it.
However, I am not at all anti-abortion and think if you really find the idea intolerable, and given that your husband is genuinely supportive (do you think he really is?), then this might be a good option for you too. It has to be your decision. Good luck.

aloha Sun 12-Jun-05 23:02:56

Mind you, if you don't want a termination, your options at this stage are limited, to say the least!

Fran1 Sun 12-Jun-05 23:16:37

expat and Earlybird have both given excellent comments here.

How pg are you? Can you really imagine yourself feeling like this for the rest of the pg? Don't you think as time goes on and you feel the baby growing you will have loving thoughts and excitement about it? I cannot imagine spending 9mths worrying that its "wrong" and i bet you won't either.

I think fate is a wonderful thing. I fell "accidently" with dd but was thrilled, just couldn't have been worse timing as dp had been redundant and we had no money. But fate gave us a lovely daughter who had made our lives wondeful.

Now i desperately would like another child and hey presto my body has stopped having periods (no i'm not pg). currently awaiting some test results.
But i know i'm lucky to have one child.

Soo many people have trouble conceiving and would give anything to "accidently" fall pregnant. That should make you feel priviledged to have been able to create another beautiful edition, that should tell you its meant to be and the fact that you have a loving environment to bring this child up in means its meant to be.

I am not anti-abortion, i do realise there are times when its appropriate. But knowing the little info from your thread, the above is my opinion on your situation.

There have been a few threads like this recently, and all i ever think is how must this make those women who are having fertility problems feel?

Redhelen Sun 12-Jun-05 23:31:46

I bet your daughters would be very pleased and help you look after the baby,and perhaps you'll have a son.

I'm in my late 30's and 27 weeks - it is certainly alot harder than my last pregnancy at aged 32. But I can't wait, all my family and my son are so excited.

And Fran1 - hang on in there it took me 3 years to conceive my second child as my body had malfunctioned - had loads of tests - but managed to conceive naturally in the end xx

CM2 Sun 12-Jun-05 23:35:52

Thanks for all of your comments - they do help. I too had fertlity problems conceiving my first (took 3 years)so I know how it feels to really want a baby. I suppose that is what is worrying me the most, I don't feel the same this time as I did the other two I think a lot has to do with my age, if I was 40 or even 41 I would feel better, but I will be 44 by the time it is born. All of my friends will have moved on, I suppose I am worried about feeling isolated.

Gwenick Sun 12-Jun-05 23:39:12

I know I was in a slightly different situation, but when I fell pg with DS2 it was completely unplanned. DH knew I wanted another one (but not for at least another couple of years - infact we were thinking about starting to try for a baby around now....) but wasn't 'too' certain about it - he'd have been quite happy with just the one.

Anyhow, fell pg - I was in complete shock, horror, OMG type thing - DH couldn't wait to tell the world . It took almost the entire pg for me to 'accept' I was pg - but I wouldn't swap him for the world - he's now 18 months old.

Hope you manage to make a decision that you're both comfortable with.

Redhelen Sun 12-Jun-05 23:42:31

Good luck in your decision.

Fimbo Sun 12-Jun-05 23:44:08

CM2 I became pregnant with my ds unexpectedly when my dd was 5. It was a big shock for my dh & I. I had to have an amnio when I was 16 weeks pg which made me realise how much I wanted my baby. Now 18mths later I have a lovely strapping son, who yes does take up a lot of my time and energy but I wouldn't be without him. My dh loves having a son as he feels he has someone on side, after years of girlie toys etc and my dd, well she simply adores her baby brother and cannot do enough for him. Good luck with your decision.

Fimbo Sun 12-Jun-05 23:45:27

I also have made loads of new friends who have children the same age as ds.

Fran1 Sun 12-Jun-05 23:46:49

Thanks Redhelen, i know i'm not at any worrying stage yet, its just put things into perspective for me really, realising the preciousness of pg.

The world just seems so unfair sometimes doesn't it? Those falling pg not wanting, those depseratley wanting but not falling!

Good luck CM2, i'm sure things will turn out well for you. Maybe it is the unexpectedness of it thats not yet allowing you to feel happy about it.

Blu Sun 12-Jun-05 23:51:06

CM - Well I was 43 when I had DS, and I have also been in the situation where i was pregnant but did not want a child.(not the pregnancy with Ds, I hasten to add). I think I would also feel v concerned in your position. AS an older Mum,, I took energy from really wanting to have my DS, and the excitement and newness of it all. I'm not sure I would find the energy for a 'second wind' if I was going back to it, iyswim.
I am afraid i always find myself in a reactive position around termination on Mn, and feel the 'yes buts' surfacing. Adoption - yes but, many adopted children do struggle with the fact that thier mothers gave them away, but understand it because they understand that extreme youth, or poverty or difficult circumstances, somehow forced a mothers position. I think going through pregnancy and birth and simply giving a child away because you don't want to o through that phase of parenthood again is a bit much, too!

If I got pregnant again now (and we have decided not to have another) I would have a termination, with considerable sadness, but no guilt. I do think the fact that you know your DH would like another will be a factor - have you considered couselling?

CM2 Sun 12-Jun-05 23:56:41

A message of hope to all those trying to conceive, who I do feel for. It took 3 years with the first, and after loads of tests and fertilty treatment, I conceived naturally in the end. Number 2 took about 18 months and this one, one night WITH a condom on day 20 of my cycle!
I am coming up for 8 weeks and knowing exactly what stage the baby is at in terms of develpment and konwing that I had my second scanned at 9 weeks , I am sure I will decide to continue the pg. It has been so helpful to hear other people's comments. It is sometimes easier talking to strangers than people close.
OMG How do you break the news to your parents!

Gwenick Mon 13-Jun-05 00:00:33

It is sometimes easier talking to strangers than people close.

Very true - I'm a good deal younger than you - but trying to explain to people close to me, in RL, that I was pg - but completely shocked and not sure about how I felt was really hard. Everyone 'expected' me to be happy and joyful all the way through, but not having planned another one that soon it was hard to be like it...............if you decide to keep it I'm sending my 'boy making' vibes to you

Fimbo Mon 13-Jun-05 00:02:20

CM2-know what you mean about the parents!. Mine definately thought I wasn't having anymore and had given away the spare cot and high-chair they kept at their house about 2 weeks before I found out. They were delighted with our news of course as were the pil's but its that feeling - omg they know what we have been getting up to - isn't it?

CM2 Mon 13-Jun-05 00:03:25

Blu Thanks for your honest opinion. That's exactly how I feel. I just don't have that second wind as all my time and energy goes in looking after my 2 girls and husband (and new puppy!). I am going for counselling this week as part of the process of the termination procedure. I hope that help sort my head out.

polly28 Mon 13-Jun-05 00:09:59

I had an unexpected pregnancy at 40 .
My dd was 11 so I had my life back in terms of certain freedoms etc.

My ds is now nearly three and we are obviously so thrilled and feel very blessed to have him.I thought I was unable to have any more children so it really was unexpected,we tried for four years after the first child then gave up on treatment as it was so stressful,then seven years later I conceived naturally

i can understand your feelings of not wanting to go back to all the baby /toddler stuff,it is hard even when the baby is much longed for.They really are babies for such a short time.I am really looking forward to my ds going to playschool in september!
I believe in destiny,whatever you decide will change your life.
good luck

Janh Mon 13-Jun-05 00:22:42

I chose to have another child (4th) at 42 and yes, it was isolating, and my friends had moved on. It's an important point. I am not a particularly sociable person anyway, and neither was my son as a small child, so it didn't seem a problem at the time, but he definitely lacks the social skills of my other children who grew up in a mob, in and out of each others' houses, and I do feel guiltily responsible for that. OTOH having him has been mostly wonderful, and he benefits from his older siblings most of the time.

I hope the counselling leads you to a decision which is right for all of you and I wish you the best with whatever you decide, CM2.

SoupDragon Mon 13-Jun-05 09:29:37

"There have been a few threads like this recently, and all i ever think is how must this make those women who are having fertility problems feel?"

Am I the only one who finds this comment completely inappropriate for this thread?

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