Would you like to be a member of our research panel? Join here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive offered for your views.
I'm pregnant and only been with partner for 2months!(46 Posts)
Hi all, I'm in need of some advice, any contributions are welcome please 😊
I am 25years old, renting my own place, and in a job that I love with good pay, my partner is 27, in a really good job, and is the most selfless man I have ever met!
I have just found out that I'm pregnant, I am really early on, and had been feeling out of sorts, so did a pregnancy test which was positive, he was lied in bed and I just came walking out the bathroom and said, I'm pregnant, he said "ok, that's fine" and has been so calm about it all, we've talked lots yday(when I found out) and I asked him honestly what we would want, he said he would rather an abortion because we haven't known each other long at all, I completely understand this mentality, I don't know what to choose, I've always wanted children, and I really do see a future with him, I get excited thinking about it, then I think "oh my god, what have we done". He's said it's completely up to me, and he will support me ether way, and if I keep it then he will be there 100%. Can I have some opinions please, as I'm not ready to talk to anyone I know about it yet! Thanks! X
For me I think I would have an abortion. On the grounds of a) if you stay together your dp has already said what he would prefer to do. A baby adds a lot of stress and can put strain on the best relationships.
B) you are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you
Alternatively if you are happy to bring up a baby possibly alone (as you don't know how your relationship) is going to go, then have the baby.
Ultimately it's your decision and you have to do what you feel in your gut what will make you happy.
I suppose you need to ask yourself how you would feel about bringing a child up on your own and the possibility of perhaps coping as a single parent at this stage in your life.
He sounds lovely, but as you say, this is a very new relationship and things could go either way.
Also perhaps talk to a medical professional about the chances of an abortion effecting the possibility of conceiving in future? Which may be unlikely, I don't know, but could be heartbreaking if you do end up staying together.
It's big difficulty decision and you both need to do a lot of talking about possible senerios.
Me and my Dh actually fell pregnant within the first 6 weeks of being together. I was 24. He was 30
We had a misscarriage two weeks later and both of us were upset.
We actually jumped head first into our relationship and we are really lucky it worked for us. We moved in together 3 months later, got pregnant again and got married a year later.
We've been together 4 years now and have two children.
20 not 30 sorry
So it's entirely up to you what you do
If he walks away, could you handle being a single parent?
You've only been together 8 weeks. You don't really know this man.
If it were me and I chose to proceed with the pregnancy I would do so and prepare for it the basis that I would be going it alone, then any involvement from him financially, practically and emotionally would be a bonus.
So practically and financially, can I afford it, how will I live on maternity pay, who will provide childcare when I return to work, will I have any family/babysitters to allow me some free time, will I cope with sleepless nights, etc.
And emotionally, am I genuinely robust enough to do this alone.
Well the baby is already made. It's not a hypothetical discussion.. You sound settled yourself, he sounds potentially supportive. Do you have family support?
I had dd1 at 18 with no support from her father but good family support and things turned out well.
I found out I was pregnant 6 weeks into my relationship - I was 19, he 20 in our first and second years of university. We agreed on an abortion but I couldn't go through with it in the end. Our son ended up coming early and was born on our 9 month anniversary!
Now over 8 years on we are married, have bought a beautiful house and have recently had our second son. We love each other dearly but appreciate how lucky we are that it worked out the way it did and would hypocritically be very worried if either of our children did the same thing.
I think you have to be prepared that 'happy endings' are very much in the minority. You need to be prepared to go it alone if need be. Good luck with whatever you decide
OP this relationship is new. He is on his best behavior. My ex was 'lovely' in tge beginning too. It turned out that he had a restrictive upbringing and was extremely passive aggressive. I didnt find this out until 4 months in to the relationship. You can't take his word on this. He might be saying these things to come across as supportive because he assumes you will terminate. Lots of people in your position would.
You need to consider whether you want to be a lone parent. He may not stick around or he might get hit by a bus. Can you, and do you want to, do this alone?
Thanks for all the opinions, keep them coming, I am settled, and so is he, we both have very supportive family and friends around us, and me and my boyfriend are so happy and spend lots of our time together, and we both fit into each other's lives and with each other's families so well x
It is up to you but I would have an abortion. I'd wait until your relationship is far more established. I know people manage as single parents but I would would give the relationship as solid a base as possible. 8 weeks is nothing at all in relationship terms.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
This is entirely your decision, but the advice to make it as if he's not involved is sound. He may be, and he may be the best father you could have hoped for, and this could be great. He might be a great dad but you split up and parent amicably but not together. He may not be a great dad, he might bail when this gets tough or tell you he didn't want it. He sounds nice but when you've known them for two months, most people do. It takes a good few years to really know someone.
So, take his involvement out because you can't yet count on it, and decide what you want to do. Then you're ready whatever he decides.
I'd also caution against letting him or anyone else talk you into one way or the other - you don't want to resent anyone if you abort and regret it, or if you feel that you got left holding the baby.
I fell pregnant very early on in my relationship to DP, I'm currently snuggling our 8 month old in bed after getting back from our first family holiday early hours of the morning.
I'm not going to lie and say it's been a fairytale but DD is the best thing to happen to either of us, she's worth how hard it's been a million times over.
Everything always looks rosy this early on. Although that's not to say it can't stay rosy - it does in many relationships!
Some questions for you:
Ethically and morally how do you feel about an abortion? No judgement here but you need to know how you feel to see if this is even an option.
Also how is he going to feel if you keep the baby although he doesn't want it? Even a relationship that had legs might falter amid the resentment.
And finally, will you feel as positive if it's just you going it alone?
Personally, at 25 in a 2 month relationship, I think I might have kept it, mostly because of my personal beliefs about abortion (that I am totally not keen to impose on anyone else). But I imagine it would have been very hard, especially with the jerk I was actually dating at 25 but that's just me.
Good luck to you OP whatever you decide!
I echo what others are saying in that it is a very new relationship and it would be wise to consider how you would cope if you ended up bringing this child up alone. Things sound great with your partner at the moment but it is early days.
Having a baby changes your life in most ways.
You say you feel excited about it and I think this is important.
if you could talk to someone close to you it might help.
Same thing happened to me. It was hard and the relationship didn't work out (lovely guy turned out to be not so lovely)
If you really want to go ahead I'd suggest planning the worse case scenario of going it alone.
As you can see from PPs there are happy endings but although I'm happy now I endured years of hardship and struggle despite having a good job which had to go when childcare become impossible.
I can't answer whether I would have done anything differently. My life could have been worse or a million times better.
I'm 25 & although I've known the father of my unborn child for a while, we'd been dating in secret for 10 months due to him knowing my ex & we didn't know whether we were going to actually come out in the open & be together due to the upset it would cause.
I then fell pregnant, nearly aborted early on due to the circumstances but as soon as I knew there was a heart beat, I couldn't. I spoke to family & had 100% support from all including the dad, we're both in very good jobs & I moved into his place. I'm now 27 weeks & once I'd made the decision to keep the baby, it instantly felt right.
Everyone is different but you may make your practical decision of aborting but when it comes to it, it's harder to physically do it. It may affect you more than you think. I'd say you will have to see how you feel once you're at the clinic, that's when it may dawn on you properly.
Wish you all the best with whatever decision you make though just sharing a story to bench mark yourself against X
P.S I too made the decision to keep the baby with the worst case scenario in mind. It has just been an added bonus that I'm now being supported by the father on every way and my family have been amazing too.
Sorry another story; our friends had a baby having only been dating for 3 months, they now have their second & are both so happy. You never know what may happen but dad or no dad, it's your baby too inside you x
If you would go ahead with the pregnancy as a single mum, I think that's where you base your decision. You can't make him stay.
If it was me, I would have an abortion. Not saying that's what you should do just telling you what I would do. I would then give the relationship a very serious chance and make the most of taking time to properly build a relationship with this man before going down the family route with him again.
I would need to know inside out the person I was starting a family with. And would be unwilling to risk having someone who could cause me a lot of psychological and emotional pain through our child in my life forever that I hadn't carefully chosen.
100% agree with PPS that say...... would you want this baby if he walked out the door tomorrow?
If yes, then go for it! If no, then please don't base your decision in the hope of him being lovely and supporting throughout, is very early days.
Make your decision based on bringing up your baby alone, just in case. If he disappears out of your life shortly, will you still want the baby? Do you hope the baby will bond you and him? Because - they don't. They add pressure.
So, if you are happy to be pregnant, happy to raise a child alone, go for it.
Just don't rely on his support - so many of them say that and mean nothing like it, even when you've been married for years and trying to conceive.
Only you can decide what to do as it's your body.
I was 29 having my first dd and I want into it knowing I'd be a single mum,it is so so hard.Met a (i thought) lovely bloke when she was 5,introduced a few months later,they got on great and we ended up a lovely little unit.
9 months into the relationship i fell pregnant and he turned in Mr.Hyde and I was back to being a single mum to 2 children this time.
I love my child to bits but if I had my time again I would have had an abortion.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.