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Having twins and terrified

(39 Posts)
UCH12 Tue 05-Apr-16 11:10:38

Hi all,

My wife and I found out yesterday that through IVF we are having twins.

We already have a wonderful 3 and a half year old miracle and she is everything to me and us.

To be honest I'm going through mixed feelings of shock, upset, but mostly fear of not being able to look after my family well enough financially and not giving our wonderful daughter all the love she deserves. I'm terrified. House, car, buying 2 of everything.

My wife wanted to put 2 embryos because after failed treatments she couldn't face doing it again. I don't think she really considered twins as a realistic option.

I agreed this is how we should go. I now resent her slightly for doing it but would NEVER say this to her or blame her.

It is what it is and we have to accept it.

I regret using 2 embryos. It sounds awful. I feel guilty writing it.

This isn't how I should feel when we're lucky enough to finally get pregnant but I'm upset and it may sound awful, but part of me wishes we weren't. I didn't want twins. At all.

The thought of duel crying feeding etc etc and all that goes with it is terrifying me.

I can't be happy and both of us have different views.

I'm in a bit of a daze and scared that i won't be able to handle the responsibility or enjoy it. I feel guilty as I shouldn't feel like this.

Anyone feel the same regards to twins being a surprise? Especially when you already have a child?

I haven't told anyone yet as only at 7 weeks so very alone right now.

manicinsomniac Tue 05-Apr-16 11:24:48

I don't think you're in the right forum for this but I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

I was exactly the same with all three of my pregnancies, even though they were all singles. I never intended to have children and I was totally devastated by it, certainly the 1st and 3rd times.

BUT - I wouldn't change anything now they're here. I love them all to pieces and they are everything to me. Just like your little girl is. I'm sure your twins will be the same to you once they're born.

Good luck. You can do it!

GinIceAndASlice Tue 05-Apr-16 11:32:01

Hey we were exacly the same as you! One miracle daughter and a last roll of the ivf dice which resulted in twins.

The shock and then guilt at feeling bad that's this wasn't supposed to happen.

The love comes with them and I am constantly overwhelmed by how much all three love each other. Mine are nearly 3 now and dd is 5.

Twins are hard but its like 1.5 times the work not twice. Now they are older they entertain each other and are less demanding than dd was at this age

My dh was in a daze for months. Still is sometimes! The fear is normal but its compounded by guilt that you should be grateful as its a miracle...I hated myself for feeling that way.

This wasnt planned. ..we had had 6 embryos put back over several treatments resulting in our first baby so putting 2 didnt seem a risk.

Yes its is chaotic but full of love and I wouldn't change a thing. ..not sure about my dh as he only wanted 2 kids and maintains I slipped the third past him!

It takes time to get your head around it all so be kind to yourself x

doodlejump1980 Tue 05-Apr-16 11:39:01

Twins are ace. I remember when we found out we were in shock for weeks! I cried so much. But! They are 14 months now and just joyous. They play together and are great friends. Yes it's tough, but the positives vastly outweigh the negatives. Lots of support on the multiples board.
Good luck smile (and start fining people who say "double trouble"!)

Baz13 Tue 05-Apr-16 11:48:04

I think what your feeling is probably a natural reaction, and you shouldn't feel ashamed for having those feelings. It has obviously come as a great shock to you and the natural worries and anxieties of having two babies. I don't think however, that you should resent your wife for using two embryos as she didn't plan on falling for twins and she obviously couldn't face the heartache of more failed treatments.

Have you spoken to your wife about how you are feeling? - for instance the fear of not being able to support your family and the worries of having two babies etc. I know you say that you cannot be happy, but I do hope in time that you can be as you have gone along with the IVF with your wife and I think that supporting each other is what would ultimately be best for your both smile If you cannot talk to your wife, maybe you should visit your GP.

I found out last year I was expecting twins from an early ultrasound and I was extremely shocked as it was a natural conception, pleased as we had been trying and then panicked about how we would afford two babies as we already have two children. I unfortunately miscarried and lost both babies. Needless to say I then felt so guilty at all the thoughts i'd had.

My step sister has five girls (all under the age of 10) with a set of twins, she has managed fine - I think you just do smile

I hope the pregnancy goes well, and that you can come to terms with your wife having twins smile

UCH12 Tue 05-Apr-16 11:48:47

Thank you so much. That helps a lot to know someone went through what we are currently,

We had several treatments and also thought it wasn't a risk. Maybe we were rash. My wife wanted it and I didn't want her to go through the stress again so agreed. I'm all over the place right now and don't want to upset my wife with my feelings because I know she's happy.

I feel guilty but if you offered me the choice of twins or for it to not have worked right now I'd take the awful decision. I'm not a horrible person but that's where I am right now.

I know I'll love them and do my best for them, but right now I can't get past the 'twins' phase.

I feel guilty toward my daughter too which may not make sense. I only ever thought of myself as a Dad of 2, not 3!

GertrudeBadger Tue 05-Apr-16 11:52:38

It is early days yet - I had twins at 7 weeks and by 10 weeks one had 'demised' which was a rollercoaster as we went through the shock, then came out the other side and looked forward to having twins and then lost one. There should be a parents of multiples groups in your area, you should reach out to them as they will have practical help and tips.

UCH12 Tue 05-Apr-16 11:53:07

I have talked to my wife, a lot. She's my best friend. We did this together and I'm not someone who does ifs but or maybes. I just don't want to upset her with my emotions.

I'm sorry you lost the babies, I read that and realise how lucky we are right now.

Thanks for writing

GinIceAndASlice Tue 05-Apr-16 11:59:49

My husband never wanted any children when I met him! And yes he was resentful at times that this was "sprung" on him even though he agreed every single step of the way.

Feeling guilty to your daughter happens whether it its 1 or 2 on the way. Feeling guilty that she won't be the centre of attention and the world revolving around her. What she will get in return I could never have anticipated. The pure joy of seeing them cuddle together, play and comfort each other.

GertrudeBadger Tue 05-Apr-16 12:01:05

I didn't lose both of them thankfully, I have did have one that made it and she's a wonderful child (of course) but I do wish I'd had them both - I didn't mean to be mean, I completely do understand the shock, we were having a total freak out for at least the first week, in my case I was terrified about the birth as twin births are clearly quite a bit more complicated, and double childcare costs would mean that it would have been pointless me carrying on working for the pre-school years, so a huge financial hit, completely understand that part. Internet forums are a great way to process through feelings that can be very tough to talk to your loved ones about, especially as how you feel now is likely not to be the 'end state'!

AnnaMarlowe Tue 05-Apr-16 12:02:14

We have twins through IVF. I know lots of families who already had one or two children and then discovered that the next baby was actually 2.

They all went through the same worries as you. How you are feeling is natural. You'll get through it.

Having twins is scary but, honestly, it's fantastic.

The first year is hard, really hard. But you'll find that you feel sorry for people with only one baby as having two is so wonderful.

Your DD will benefit from having siblings, they will enrich her life, they will probably adore her. She will be so proud of them.

Find your local twins or multiples club, they will be invaluable.

GinIceAndASlice Tue 05-Apr-16 12:04:00

Keep posting. Its scary and you are not alone

I hated feeling ungrateful and thought people would judge me especially as I knew a least 3 couples who would have walked over hot coals to be our position.

UCH12 Tue 05-Apr-16 12:13:17

Exactly, that's where I feel guilty. I know we're lucky. We invested money in our future and we have it. What we wanted. It's a dream right? I'll come round.

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Tue 05-Apr-16 13:32:48

Hi UCH12,

We just wondered if you'd like us to move this thread over to a different topic? We could move it to Pregnancy, or Multiple Births if you'd like?

SpecialStains Tue 05-Apr-16 15:16:25

Nothing to add, other than you can't help how you feel. Were you nervous before your daughter at all? Having one baby is a big thing to get you head around, I'm sure two is even more so. Also, do you know if they are definitely non-identical (from the two separate embryos). You always had the chance that even a single embryo could produce twins. How would you have felt then?

However, having twins is pretty special. Congratulations on your babies to be and wishing your wife a healthy pregnancy. :-)

Autumn2014 Tue 05-Apr-16 15:50:18

I wonder if some of your feelings are general 'second child' worries. You know what to expect, the difficulties, it's not a niave rose tinted view. And if course you worry that you could never love another child as much as you love your first child. Maybe because you have had so many failed if attempts previously you didn't expect it to work this time, and hadn't counted on or thought about these feelings towards a future second (or third) child.
Good luck with the pregnancy and your growing family.

UCH12 Tue 05-Apr-16 15:53:16

Hi, I wasn't nervous at all before our daughter. Knew it would all be wonderful - and it's turned out to be. They are definitely non-identical (we were told it wasn't possible for an IVF embryo to split into twins).

Thanks for writing

UCH12 Tue 05-Apr-16 15:55:29

I'd like to think so but the thought of 1 more didn't make me nervous, it was exciting. More so because I know my daughter will be a great big-sis.

I knew it would work - I'm generally very positive! - but nothing prepares you for it when you're told. Thanks for your message

LittleLionMansMummy Tue 05-Apr-16 15:59:06

We've had the 'but what if it's twins?' conversation and you sum up entirely how dh and I hypothetically feel, so I can totally understand how you feel knowing that for you it's a reality. As an older mum with pcos there was a higher likelihood and dh was terrified, mainly due to finances. My career has taken off and we finally felt financially secure/ comfortable enough to have another, but when you already have one it's an entirely different situation thinking about twins than if you have none and discover you're pregnant with twins.

My advice would be to get practical about things, work out your finances and ability to save. If you begin preparing and making plans aimed at ensuring it's as easy as possible, you may begin to feel better. By all means speak to your wife about your worries, but approach it in a positive, reassuring way. My dh drives me mad when he's in a 'woe is me, what will we do?' mood. I remind him I need him to think about practical solutions, not add to my own concerns. Give yourself some time to come to terms with the idea. And please, talk to her (although don't reveal the details you've described above).

LittleLionMansMummy Tue 05-Apr-16 16:03:47

Also your dd will be, what, 4 when baby arrives? The perfect age to get her to help out a bit and she'll be more independent and fast approaching school age. They need us a lot less when they start school I've found - they increasingly look for company their own age and aren't as reliant on mum and dad.

notagiraffe Tue 05-Apr-16 16:06:00

I think it's a good thing that you have such honest and open anxieties this early on. It gives you time to adjust and plan and cope with them. (IVF twins here too, but no previous baby.) Friends who had twins after a single baby say they are glad the twins came second, as at least they knew how to do the basics (wash, dress, feed etc) and didn't have to learn it all while sleep deprived.

Yes, it is expensive. That's true. You do need two of everything. And yes, the sleep deprivation is chronic at first. Make a promise to each other that you won't separate in the first two years, as you'll be judging your marriage through a fog of exhaustion. But... though that time can be tough, it is also unbelievably rewarding. And the love you get for them is overwhelming. I remember my two chuckling away together, sounding like a little happy symphony. I remember them doing comedy double acts, moving their arms and legs in exact unison like synchronised swimmers. I remember them chatting to each other in baby babble that was unintelligible to us but they knew what they meant and were amused for hours. I remember DT1, before they were able to walk watching his brother staring bemused at a pot of yoghurt I hadn't taken the lid off yet and leaving over, ripping the lid off and dumping the pot back in from of his twin so he could eat it. They used to share a swing in the park, sitting side saddle on the safety seat, back to back. They loved it. You find ways to do stuff, and they are so cute. I look at people who only got one baby at a time and sort of don't see the point. Two is so much more fun.

They are so cute and snuggly and they occupy each other and entertain each other. They find it easier to go to nursery and school, as they don't start alone, and always have each other to play with. Now my two are older they are so easy to look after. they hang out together, they play in a band together, they go off on bike rides or into town together.

Look ahead. It's only the first year or so that is hard work. After that it's bliss.

UCH12 Tue 05-Apr-16 16:20:58

Hey. I'm always positive which is why this is so hard, and I really want to be happy and share this with my wife. I don't want to upset her.

I think it's the fact I'm so pragmatic that's the problem, wish I could just be more of an idealist if only for a day just to enjoy it. Reading all these messages is helpful. And I have spoken to my wife, she's great for listening no matter how hard the chat. We're probably getting closer through it and I absolutely won't mention the resentment. I don't think it's personal, more about the finances etc.

Luckily enough I earn well, it's just that I wanted the best for 2 and I can't match that for 3. I think you're right, I need time. It's only been a day.

Thanks for your comment on my daughter too, that's reassuring.

GertrudeBadger Tue 05-Apr-16 16:32:34

The shock factor and the readjustment of expectations takes a while to get through before you can see the other positives and not the upfront financial negatives. I'm sure by the time you get to it you'll be reconciled to the twins and excited, the good thing is you do have planning time. There is time to put on the rose tinted spectacles again! I know a couple of people that had surprise twins back in the day when there were no scans and only found out there were multiples in the delivery suite - imagine that!

notagiraffe Tue 05-Apr-16 16:50:04

But it's great that you are pragmatic. There's a logistical element to having twins that benefits from a pragmatic mind.
As to finances... Try not to worry too much. You say you want the best for you children, but really, over the long course of their life time, they won't care at all if they have hand me down clothes when they are babies, or Freecycled tricycles when they are small. Re-evaluate what giving them the best means. It means being the most loving and welcoming dad, not being able to swamp them in designer gear. yes, you want to be able to afford fees for all the things they are interested in. But by the time they get to the age of needing swimming/ballet/footy/rugby/kung fu/piano classes, your wife will be able to earn again too.
There's just a lot to get your head around. If you start now, using your positive, pragmatic skills to plan what you'll need, then by the time they've arrived, you'll be ready for them. You'll be so proud, I promise you.
FWIW, I had a similar shock when I found out it was boys. DH and I had always somehow envisaged that IVF would give us one girl. We ended up with two boys. I'd just never imagined having a boy, nor had DH, and suddenly there were two. I'm glad I was shocked at the early scan. By the time they came I was overjoyed they were boys and have been ever since. Nothing wrong with needing to make a mental or emotional adjustment to having twins!

UCH12 Tue 05-Apr-16 16:58:02

Thank you. Really helps, especially when I haven't spoken to anyone yet.

I am a great Dad and will continue to be (if I do say so!). There's loads of love in our household. Comes from valuing our daughter so much and how lucky we were just to be able to have her after trying so hard.

You hear about mumsnet and it seems ridiculous me posting on here, but there's no end of support and help.

I have a big headache!!! A lot of adjustment needed.

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