Having twins and terrified

[UCH12]

Hi all,

My wife and I found out yesterday that through IVF we are having twins.

We already have a wonderful 3 and a half year old miracle and she is everything to me and us.

To be honest I'm going through mixed feelings of shock, upset, but mostly fear of not being able to look after my family well enough financially and not giving our wonderful daughter all the love she deserves. I'm terrified. House, car, buying 2 of everything.

My wife wanted to put 2 embryos because after failed treatments she couldn't face doing it again. I don't think she really considered twins as a realistic option.

I agreed this is how we should go. I now resent her slightly for doing it but would NEVER say this to her or blame her.

It is what it is and we have to accept it.

I regret using 2 embryos. It sounds awful. I feel guilty writing it.

This isn't how I should feel when we're lucky enough to finally get pregnant but I'm upset and it may sound awful, but part of me wishes we weren't. I didn't want twins. At all.

The thought of duel crying feeding etc etc and all that goes with it is terrifying me.

I can't be happy and both of us have different views.

I'm in a bit of a daze and scared that i won't be able to handle the responsibility or enjoy it. I feel guilty as I shouldn't feel like this.

Anyone feel the same regards to twins being a surprise? Especially when you already have a child?

I haven't told anyone yet as only at 7 weeks so very alone right now.

[TUFC1983]

Hi,

Apologies for bouncing an old thread to the top - first time poster and all that.

This came up when I googled “is it normal to be scared when expecting twins” - similar to the OP, my wife and I have just found out (at our 12 week scan yesterday) that we are expecting twins to go alongside our 3 year old daughter.

So I totally relate to how the OP was feeling, because I’m doing the exact same thing. Worried about the logistics, the finances, how our relationship will be affected and how our daughter will be impacted. There have been plenty of tears (mainly from me!), and a sick feeling of worry in the pit of my stomach that has stopped me from truly enjoying this moment.

I must see that some of the original replies have been comforting and encouraging that although it’s a challenge, it’s certainly not the end of the world. I don’t know if any of the original posters are still active on this site, but it would be wonderful to hear how those expecting twins got in once their twins landed.

In the meantime, any encouraging words or stories from people who had had twins in their second pregnancy would be gratefully read. These feelings of fear and panic are going to subside - right?

[MrTdad]

Hi, I'm in more or less the same situation though no IVF. I've been awake for 3 hrs, though thankfully my son has just got up so I'm now watching cartoons downstairs (a welcome distraction). I'm freaking out about the twins thing with all the emotions above. Added to which our 2 bed starter home is tiny and unlike others I'm no big earner.
When the twins are born my son will be entitled to free childcare which is a positive in a sea of aaahhhgggg. I suffer with anxiety anyway so it's no surprise that I'm freaking out about this. The love I felt for my son when he was born I hope I will feel for the twins but naturally I am nervous.
My wife never wanted kids but she is a terrific mum so we decided we would like a sibling for our son (for me, my sister and I are close and good support in difficult times). But I never dreamed of 3!!! New car X2 as I need mine for work , new house needed but we can no way afford one now let alone with only one of us working!
Difficult times ahead.

[UCH12]

Thank you. I really am in shock.

Can't imagine what others will say. Just got to get to 12 week scan first.

Congrats to you too.

[mrsdoughnut]

28 weeks with identical twin girls. I had some help to ovulate...me and my husband found out at private scan at 8 weeks due to my morning sickness being horrific and we had a feeling...lol

It has taken a good few weeks for the news to sink in and in fact I still don't think it has!

We haven't bought 2 of absolutely everything. The double pram I found the most expensive but ebay have some bargains and fbook twin mum groups -twin mums uk - has so much advice. Tamba, Twinversity & twins uk has lots of advice.

Your in for a roller coaster of a ride and we have had to pull the purse strings tighter but honestly... babies need love warmth food and a few clean clothes to start with. Also when you break the good news you'll be surprised by how many people want to help.

You are in shock. The good news is you have a good few weeks for the news to sink in.

Welcome to the very special club.

[UCH12]

It's the best thing in the world. Congratulations on your first. I have loved every second. Literally. My life is all about her and the smiles she brings.

[Beansprout30]

I have no experience whatsoever of twins, I'm only just pregnant with my first so not even experience of being a parent!

I can totally get your worries and stresses though especially financially, I'm stressing over how we will cope when baby arrives but I think you just find ways to cope don't you. It'll be very hard but also so rewarding, I'm sure you will do just fine once the little ones are here. Best wishes to you and your family

[UCH12]

Haven't cried yet, am not someone who does that a lot. But have been on the verge for 2 days.

I've been through awful times before, and this isn't even bad, but it's a shock. Huge.

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO HAS WRITTEN SO FAR. I'M HUMBLED YOU'VE TAKEN THE TIME.

I'll keep re-reading all your posts

[UCH12]

I honestly think I'd be relieved although the thought of something I created dying is awful (also a ridiculous thought about the twin losing out).

I'm so sorry you went through that but I know that I need to wait for the 12th week.

I know it's a roller coaster and this is the beginning, thank you for writing.

[Cakeymum]

Don't feel guilty about feeling like this.

3 years ago ish I had an early scan at 8 weeks due to a bleed and we found out I was carrying twins (natural conception). I freaked out, didn't want that, wasn't what I had "planned", was angry, worried etc. Then slowly over the next few weeks I warmed to the idea
Unfortunately at my 12 week scan we found out we had lost one, was totally mixed emotions - part sad, part relieved dare i say it.

You will cope though, and I'm sure your thoughts and emotions will change many many times between now and when they arrive :)

[Mermaid36]

Firstly - congratulations! Secondly - don't worry about panicking - we've all done it!

I'm 25wks with identical girls - no fertility treatments, no ivf, just "luck". When we first found out, we swore a lot, and got quite hysterical!

Make sure you join TAMBA - they have loads of resources available, including specific multiple birth antenatal classes and seminars, breastfeeding webinars etc. They also have discounts at places like Mothercare! And a helpline to call whenever you need it.

Get your wife to join some of the twin groups on FB too - they have breastfeeding ones, twin baby wearing groups etc. There are also loads of twin buy/selling groups - we picked up 2 bouncer chairs for £15 each instead of £50+ each new, and they are in immaculate condition! Twin parents often like to sell to other twin parents.

I'll be delivering early due to other complications and the levels of support from friends and family we've been offered are amazing. We've had offers of food for the freezer, people to come and walk the dogs, to help us clean etc. All really practical stuff as our girls will be in hospital for a while. I'm fairly overwhelmed by the stuff people have offered to do!

Honestly, it's complicated and a complete head-fuck at points, but you'll get into the swing of things. Feel free to PM if you want to.

[UCH12]

I totally get what you meant!!

Thanks for writing. It's lovely to hear from someone with the same age gap. It helps to hear the positives and about laughing hard.

The cleaner is a definite. No doubt. Also, motherofdragons? That's inspiring!! (Grin)

[UCH12]

I hope so, how do I get to that point now?!!! 😊

[m0therofdragons]

Wow so many auto correct errors. Hopefully you can figure out what I mean

[m0therofdragons]

I have an 8yo and 4 yo twins - 3.5 years between them and the age. It's a great age gap. I would describe it as constant rather than hard. We laugh harder than I ever knew we could and that really balances out the tough times. Financially it hit us hard as I couldn't go back to work as planned as 3 in childcare want viable for us but note I they're at school and I'm working we realise it was just a few years and we're fairly comfortable now. We even get lie ins on the weekend as the 8yo gets the little two breakfast! 3 is a great dynamic as 2 often play and one can do something on her own or have some one on one time with me without the other feeling left out. There are logistical issues but honestly, you will have a very happy fun home ahead of you. My twins slept so much better than dd1 ever did. You will cope and you will enjoy them just make sure you give each other space away (like an hour or two here and there at first). I would also advise a cleaner for a couple of hours a week for your own sanity - we couldn't really afford it and went without other stuff like wine. It did make a difference in the first year.

[scienceteachergeek]

Hi there

I didn't just want to read and run.

We had an early scan 4days ago and found that I am carrying twins. We didn't have IVF but did have a fertility drug because I don't ovulate without help. I am 8 weeks today.

We are both terrified as you are. I'm the main earner of the house and am already feeling an awful lot of financial pressure.

I'm desperately trying not to think these worrying thoughts because I know I'd be so devastated if I lost one, or even worse, both of them.

I'd hate for you, or me to have been worrying about something which may not even be relevant by the 12 week scan. We'd feel terrible about our negativity.

Just a thought.

[notinagreatplace]

I'm sure it is a big shock! This happened to my cousin and her DH - I won't lie, they found it really tough to begin with and their older DD did feel a bit left out as twins naturally get a lot of attention. But they're so incredibly happy these days - the twins are now 4. I really think you'll find the same in the longer term.

[UCH12]

Thank you. Really helps, especially when I haven't spoken to anyone yet.

I am a great Dad and will continue to be (if I do say so!). There's loads of love in our household. Comes from valuing our daughter so much and how lucky we were just to be able to have her after trying so hard.

You hear about mumsnet and it seems ridiculous me posting on here, but there's no end of support and help.

I have a big headache!!! A lot of adjustment needed.

[notagiraffe]

But it's great that you are pragmatic. There's a logistical element to having twins that benefits from a pragmatic mind.
As to finances... Try not to worry too much. You say you want the best for you children, but really, over the long course of their life time, they won't care at all if they have hand me down clothes when they are babies, or Freecycled tricycles when they are small. Re-evaluate what giving them the best means. It means being the most loving and welcoming dad, not being able to swamp them in designer gear. yes, you want to be able to afford fees for all the things they are interested in. But by the time they get to the age of needing swimming/ballet/footy/rugby/kung fu/piano classes, your wife will be able to earn again too.
There's just a lot to get your head around. If you start now, using your positive, pragmatic skills to plan what you'll need, then by the time they've arrived, you'll be ready for them. You'll be so proud, I promise you.
FWIW, I had a similar shock when I found out it was boys. DH and I had always somehow envisaged that IVF would give us one girl. We ended up with two boys. I'd just never imagined having a boy, nor had DH, and suddenly there were two. I'm glad I was shocked at the early scan. By the time they came I was overjoyed they were boys and have been ever since. Nothing wrong with needing to make a mental or emotional adjustment to having twins!

[GertrudeBadger]

The shock factor and the readjustment of expectations takes a while to get through before you can see the other positives and not the upfront financial negatives. I'm sure by the time you get to it you'll be reconciled to the twins and excited, the good thing is you do have planning time. There is time to put on the rose tinted spectacles again! I know a couple of people that had surprise twins back in the day when there were no scans and only found out there were multiples in the delivery suite - imagine that!

[UCH12]

Hey. I'm always positive which is why this is so hard, and I really want to be happy and share this with my wife. I don't want to upset her.

I think it's the fact I'm so pragmatic that's the problem, wish I could just be more of an idealist if only for a day just to enjoy it. Reading all these messages is helpful. And I have spoken to my wife, she's great for listening no matter how hard the chat. We're probably getting closer through it and I absolutely won't mention the resentment. I don't think it's personal, more about the finances etc.

Luckily enough I earn well, it's just that I wanted the best for 2 and I can't match that for 3. I think you're right, I need time. It's only been a day.

Thanks for your comment on my daughter too, that's reassuring.

[notagiraffe]

I think it's a good thing that you have such honest and open anxieties this early on. It gives you time to adjust and plan and cope with them. (IVF twins here too, but no previous baby.) Friends who had twins after a single baby say they are glad the twins came second, as at least they knew how to do the basics (wash, dress, feed etc) and didn't have to learn it all while sleep deprived.

Yes, it is expensive. That's true. You do need two of everything. And yes, the sleep deprivation is chronic at first. Make a promise to each other that you won't separate in the first two years, as you'll be judging your marriage through a fog of exhaustion. But... though that time can be tough, it is also unbelievably rewarding. And the love you get for them is overwhelming. I remember my two chuckling away together, sounding like a little happy symphony. I remember them doing comedy double acts, moving their arms and legs in exact unison like synchronised swimmers. I remember them chatting to each other in baby babble that was unintelligible to us but they knew what they meant and were amused for hours. I remember DT1, before they were able to walk watching his brother staring bemused at a pot of yoghurt I hadn't taken the lid off yet and leaving over, ripping the lid off and dumping the pot back in from of his twin so he could eat it. They used to share a swing in the park, sitting side saddle on the safety seat, back to back. They loved it. You find ways to do stuff, and they are so cute. I look at people who only got one baby at a time and sort of don't see the point. Two is so much more fun.

They are so cute and snuggly and they occupy each other and entertain each other. They find it easier to go to nursery and school, as they don't start alone, and always have each other to play with. Now my two are older they are so easy to look after. they hang out together, they play in a band together, they go off on bike rides or into town together.

Look ahead. It's only the first year or so that is hard work. After that it's bliss.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Also your dd will be, what, 4 when baby arrives? The perfect age to get her to help out a bit and she'll be more independent and fast approaching school age. They need us a lot less when they start school I've found - they increasingly look for company their own age and aren't as reliant on mum and dad.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

We've had the 'but what if it's twins?' conversation and you sum up entirely how dh and I hypothetically feel, so I can totally understand how you feel knowing that for you it's a reality. As an older mum with pcos there was a higher likelihood and dh was terrified, mainly due to finances. My career has taken off and we finally felt financially secure/ comfortable enough to have another, but when you already have one it's an entirely different situation thinking about twins than if you have none and discover you're pregnant with twins.

My advice would be to get practical about things, work out your finances and ability to save. If you begin preparing and making plans aimed at ensuring it's as easy as possible, you may begin to feel better. By all means speak to your wife about your worries, but approach it in a positive, reassuring way. My dh drives me mad when he's in a 'woe is me, what will we do?' mood. I remind him I need him to think about practical solutions, not add to my own concerns. Give yourself some time to come to terms with the idea. And please, talk to her (although don't reveal the details you've described above).

[UCH12]

I'd like to think so but the thought of 1 more didn't make me nervous, it was exciting. More so because I know my daughter will be a great big-sis.

I knew it would work - I'm generally very positive! - but nothing prepares you for it when you're told. Thanks for your message

[UCH12]

Hi, I wasn't nervous at all before our daughter. Knew it would all be wonderful - and it's turned out to be. They are definitely non-identical (we were told it wasn't possible for an IVF embryo to split into twins).

Thanks for writing