suicidal

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

I can't do this any more. I thought things were ok or getting better, i've been doing therapy, going into work and almost feeling human or at least neutral or numb to anxious. Now, out of the blue all my fears and feelings are back. The GP can't see me til Friday which is an improvement at least on never which it was before, (not joking, live in East Finchley and seems impossible to ever be seen) the team I am seeing at UCLH tmrw can't do prescriptions and I am spending 500 pounds we 100% do not have to see someone privately tomorrow morning in hope he can do something but honestly no idea what as already in therapy and last GP told me, word for word, that any meds in pregnancy would be poison. I am so, so sure I have harmed this baby beyond hope with all my horrible stupid slef induglent feelings and I am really really trying to fix myself but keep failing and so sorry for all my friends family and poor poor dh. I can't bear for his life to be ruined by forever being married to this mess and then to take responsibility for raising a child who has problems I have caused and cannot take care of as I know I will be such a mess. Only thing can think to do is end it but don't think work life insurance applies in these cases and he would be on his own and then without a house and it would break his heart and my mother so can't see what to do. am beyond desperate and can't see any way out. Samaritans are so kind but really not able to help obviously as this is all hopeless. No idea why even posting here other than that everyone has been so kind before. Got self into this stupid anxiety cycle from the start by being irresponsible and just so so full of regret, remorse and self loathing I really can't go on. What can I do?

[Crumbelina]

Sleepless, you have to hang on in there and see the specialist tomorrow. You've got nothing to lose.

You know that your DH would be devastated if anything happened.

[Labradormummy]

Please don't feel alone, speak with DH and explain how you are feeling. You need to get an appointment with the out of hours GP and explain what's going on with you and how you are feeling. We all get worries and concerns but when it starts to envelope us, we need to seek help. We can't do it by ourselves. DH is by your side because he loves you and you guys will soon be a family but in the meantime, you need to look after yourself and get some help. Everyone has struggles and its nothing to feel weak about. Please speak up and speak with family and explain how you're feeling. They will surely be heartbroken to know that you are going through such a tough time on your own. Get some advice because you say you're convinced you've harmed the baby. Why not request a scan to put your mind at rest and maybe that will allow you to focus passed this episode. Whilst how you're feeling now is all encompassing, there are always ways out and ways to look beyond the now. Please speak with someone and get some help xx

[NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten]

Sorry I don't know your back story (not read any previous posts) but you won't have hurt the baby by having horrible feelings - please don't think that!

Hang on and see the specialist as Crumb said - as you said yourself your DH and DM would be heartbroken if anything happened to you, and you'd leave them in a worse position by not being there than by hanging on with them.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

That's the thing about recovery, it's not a linear process. So you can be feeling better and one day it all comes flooding back, but it doesn't mean you weren't getting better! You still are, but this is a bump in the road.
Can I say I'm beyond relieved that you're still pregnant and that baby will be lucky to have such a caring and loving mum

[Crumbelina]

Also remember that you can get back to how you were feeling a few weeks ago when your anxiety had subsided and you were in a better place.

Please do speak to your DH and accept all the support you can.

[SilverdaleGlen]

I believe I've read your backstory, was this triggered by worry over drinking before you knew you were pg?

If so you are ill my love. Bollocks to GP a lot of people take meds when pg they aren't necessarily harmful just untested and they need to work out need Vs risk.

I think you should present at A&E and make them understand you want to kill yourself. Make them realise you've tried other routes. At this point you need admission in my opinion and to be helped until the UNREAL (remember that) they are NOT based on a real danger to the baby. Can be controlled.

Good luck please let us know xx

[Paperblank]

Sleepless

I remember your previous thread lovey. Please talk to your DH about how you are feeling.

You did so well with managing your feelings and emotions earlier on in your pregnancy.

Keep posting here... There will always be someone who can hold your hand.

xx

[babymouse]

Is there a mental health crisis team in your area that you can contact?

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

I was worried about alcohol but realise that was anxiety and am sure this is also anxiety too but, stupidly enough so so anxious the anxiety itself will have harmed him. I am far too late for a termination now but wish had been braver months back as so rarely excited or happy for this poor child and just terrified about hurting him with my stupid self induced stress. Read can have caused schizophrenia, autism, depression and any of that would of course be fine were it not my fault had caused it. Barnet has no crisi mental health team, nearest a and e whittington and uclh midwife said best to wait for appt tomorrow as would be unlikely to see specialist. I've ruined everyone's life and I can't take this anymore, so so overcome with terror and guilt, so so sorry.

[scarednoob]

You won't have harmed the baby. He will be a perfect loving little baby who loves and needs his mummy and daddy.

Your mind will go to its darkest place when you are down, exacerbated by hormones. The very fact that your darkest place is harm to the baby shows that you love him too and you WILL be a great mum. Just hang in there til you can see someone - and the feelings will change and you won't always feel this bleak.

[babymouse]

mindinbarnet.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Mental-Health-Guide.pdf

Please look at the guide above and look at the crisis section and take their advice.

You haven't ruined everyone's life. Stress happens. Pregnancy itself is stressful. And for some women, pregnancy causes an increase in anxiety that doesn't reduce until birth. I know someone who had an immense amount of anxiety while pregnant, she was signed off from almost her entire pregnancy and now she has a lovely, healthy baby.

Please stop googling what anxiety may cause during pregnancy - the human race has continued to reproduce through times of extreme stress and we are all here because they survived.

Please take care of yourself and continue to reach out for as much support as you need!

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

The whole thing just terrifies me now - i will spend the whole time scanning this poor child for signs of harm, drive him mad, drive my husband mad - he'll stay because he's good and loyal and kind but truly truly truly it'd have been better for everyone if i wasn;t here

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

I was really trying not to google then buggered up today for no good reason at all - have a mantra that good mum doesn't google from therapist and was working but messed up and honestly just think proves not good mum

[eeyore2]

Quick question and apologies if it is intrusive. Just something I picked up on from your previous thread. Are you by any chance Jewish? If so there are some amazing community resources who are very nearby to you and who can mobilise very quickly to help you with your current feelings.

[Sleeplessinnorthlondon]

Afraid not! Was at school with and friends with lots of lovely Jewish girls but can't claim to actually be jewish myself. Do know the community very supportive. I'm sorry about this, going to go and try to calm self down somewhere.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Your anxiety will get better when he is born because you will be able to take medication and you won't be experiencing pregnancy hormones that can exacerbate mental health difficulties.

[RhubarbCrumble1]

I suffered with undiagnosed prenatal depression. I can remember the terror, I had such amazingly strong negative thoughts about the pregnancy and the baby. I worried about medication I'd taken for sickness. I convinced myself that my baby was ruined. She moved too much so must have ADHD (!)
I am laid cuddling her now. She is funny, intelligent and the smiliest baby you can imagine. She was fine & so am I.
Pregnancy does some strange things to us but you WILL get through this.
Phone your labour ward or go to A&E If you can't tell your husband xxx

[stupidgirl45]

That is utter crap about ADs in pregnancy. I know because specialists at St Thomas' offered to prescribe them to me and so have several GPs in this current preg and the last.

Please speak to your OH - or show him this post, he will be supportive of you 100%

Unmumsnetty hugs You will get through this and come out the other side.
This babyy is so lucky to have a mummy who loves it as much as you do

x

[BumbleBee0]

Keep taking it a minute at a time and know that there are people here to read and respond to your posts.
There are many women that take medication during pregnancy and it is not true that they are all poison. Very wrong of your gp to say that.

The fact that you are very worried and anxious about causing possible harm to your baby shows you have a very caring nature and want to do the best by your baby, characteristics which make a very good mum.

You are not a bad mum for googling! Nearly all mums Google. However I can see why your therapist told you that mantra as googling isn't helpful for you personally.

Many women go through anxiety and depression during pregnancy through varying degrees and have
perfectly healthy babies.

Please please see your Dr tomorrow and beleive that there is a way and this feeling won't last forever.

[BumbleBee0]

Don't apologise sleepless and please keep posting on here. Some other ladies may provide more advice based on their experience which may help you.

[eeyore2]

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, you are doing a fantastic job keeping it together and your baby and husband are lucky to have you.

[Lovemylittlebear]

Hi sleepless,

You are buying into your thoughts (I know that feeling too) but the anxiety is making it hard for you to realise that these are just thoughts and do not reflect reality. I really highly recommend acceptance and commitment therapy. It works on looking at mindfulness, acceptance and behaviour change. E.g "I am having the thought that I will drive him mad" - I feel a tightness in my chest, my heart is beating really quickly when I have this thought and I feel sick. My goal is to be a good mum and wife and despite these thoughts and physical sensations I will stick to these behaviours that constitute that - which are important to me. Sorry if that doesn't make any sense, it just seems that you are getting stuck in your thoughts and there is a way out for you I promise. It doesn't mean anxiety (the bastard) will go away but it does mean accepting that it is there and comming to using strategies and living by your values. Please do PM me if you want me to send you the details of a fantastic psychologist that I can recommend. She does Skype. Also - agree with other posts about asking your GP and crisis team for help. Remember and cling on to how you were feeling a couple of weeks ago. That feeling can come back. Good luck xx

[BumbleBee0]

sleepless just a thought but have you spoken to your midwife? She may have a better idea (than your gp) about what medication you could take and may be able to refer you to any other treatment that may help.

[Lovemylittlebear]

www.thehappinesstrap.com/m/. Great books and resources on here but use with the guidance of a psychologist as they are hard concepts to get your head around and it's good to have someone to ask questions to. All the very best x

[TheTravellingLemon]

You will be ok. I've read your threads since the beginning and remember that your desire for this baby always shone through.

Like the drinking thing, this is your anxiety manifesting itself. You haven't harmed your baby. In one of your earlier threads I said that you were already an incredible mother for seeking help when it's such a hard step to take. But you did it because you knew you didn't want the termination. I stand by that.

I don't know much about meds during pregnancy but a close friend has bipolar disorder and was on meds throughout her pregnancy (two beautifully healthy toddlers now). She had to change them about a bit, but there was no question about her coming off medication completely. So I would get a second opinion on that.

Remember it's not like getting better from a cold. You will have your good times and bad, but you will get there. Even though sometimes it feels like there's no point. There is a point. You might not see it now, but you will one day soon.

We've had depression in our family and suicide. I've seen somebody I love deeply struggle back from the deepest darkest place and find happiness and peace. It is possible, I promise. There will be rocky periods, but it can be done. You can do it.

I've also experienced the horror that is left behind from suicide. This is not something you want for you or those who love you.

Keep posting. There will always be people here to listen and hold your hand.