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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

No nasty comments please - I'm 29 weeks pregnant :(

72 replies

Shivz123 · 08/01/2015 22:23

I just found out I'm 29weeks pregnant and don't know how to tell my boyfriend of 5 years, His dad is terminally ill and doctors said he probably won't see the end of January, I don't want to side track him and have him worrying about a baby when he should be spending all the time he can with his dad. However, I know he would never forgive me if his dad passed away not knowing his grandchild was in the way. My boyfriend will have no family left (only child and mum passed away when he was 16). We are both 21. Please no hate, I just don't know what to do ??????????

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Report

weelamb123 · 08/01/2015 22:30

You have to tell him. A baby us a blessing and could be a beautiful surprise at this difficult time. Good luck xxx

Letmeeatcakecakecake · 08/01/2015 22:32

You need to tell him, you're 29 weeks- you don't have any other option!

It might be a wonderful thing for his dad to learn before he passes away!

Shivz123 · 08/01/2015 22:37

Ah I know I would be a lovely surprise as we spoke about have a child about a year two years ago but assumed it would be an impossible as my period is horrendously irregular. I'm just scared he will then hate that I side tracked him from his dad :(, how do you tell your boyfriend that his dad's going to be a grandad but not get the chance to meet his grandchild :( how expensive even is a funeral never mind a child arriving in 11 weeks :( xx

OP posts:

Teeste · 08/01/2015 22:39

We found out I was pregnant the day before my grandad died. It's a very weird time - congratulations and then condolences. But your news can't wait and may even provide some comfort. I wish my grandad had known before he went, but it did help my grandma a bit, and my mum. We're going to my DH's grandad's funeral tomorrow, and at least he did know. You don't have to make a big song and dance about it, just stay matter of fact and get through what is undoubtedly a very trying and difficult time together

EBearhug · 08/01/2015 22:39

Apart from the illness, is there any other reason you aren't telling him? Do you have worries about the relationship?

Assuming the illness is the only issue, then please do tell him - I'm sure his Dad will want to know, as you say, and so will he - it's something to give hope during a difficult time (Both my parents died, so I have some inkling of how stressful it is.) But caring for a parent with a terminal disease does take its toll - he might welcome something else to focus on for an hour or so, and he does need to know - it's then his choice how to spend his time.

In any case, if you're 29 weeks, you're not going to be able to hide it for much longer, so you'll need to tell him before he asks.

Very best wishes to you all - it is a very difficult time, and it will mean it's more difficult to enjoy the pregnancy. Good luck with it all, and I hope his father's time left is peaceful.

blackwidow74 · 08/01/2015 22:40

If anything it will give him hope, something to focus on besides death, and something to talk about ... I see it as a positive that you find out at this moment ... as if there is a reason ... share the news and ease a burden on you all x

fuzzpig · 08/01/2015 22:45

Oh bless you :(

I think you should tell him and say what you've said here - that you don't want to distract him from being with his dad, maybe that you're prepared not to really talk about it right now, but that he might like to tell his dad as it might make him happy. Just let him know that you'll be understanding if he struggles with the news

unclerory · 08/01/2015 22:47

When my Dad was dying my SIL told him she'd come off the pill and her and DB were trying for a third child. Dad was delighted with that news, even though none of us knew SIL was pregnant when Dad died, my DN was born about 8 months after he died.

Shivz123 · 08/01/2015 22:49

I see everyone of your opinions and greatful for the quick caring responses, assumed I would just get hate after hate. No the only issue is the illness and how stressed my boyfriend already is, I guess I will just need to 'grow a pair'. Why did I need to find how so late on in pregnancy :( I'm not even showing because I'm fat!!!

OP posts:

Shivz123 · 08/01/2015 22:53

Thank you so much for all the lovely comments, you guys are amazing!! Xxx

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DinosaurTrain · 08/01/2015 22:55

Congratulations!

I think it's a lovely blessing he can share with the gdad before he goes,

It's funny how often old people like to wait for one in before they leave this world (well in my family anyway) I take a lot of comfort from this, and hope it's not offensive to say it x

DinosaurTrain · 08/01/2015 22:56

I'm really sorry I read Grandad and just reread its his dad Pls ignore my last comment

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 08/01/2015 22:59

This is wonderful news and will undoubtedly give your partner comfort. This baby will be a ray of light in an otherwise difficult time. And your partner's father will likely be overjoyed. Share the news and be happy about it. Congratulations to you all.

Shivz123 · 08/01/2015 22:59

No not offensive a lot!! I think I'm just over thinking things and too emotionally attached :( :( I think I will tell him tomorrow after I finish work so that I can think about what to say/do. I'm just so scared :( xxx

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AmantesSuntAmentes · 08/01/2015 23:09

You say in your first post that after his dad, he'll have no (blood) relatives? Well now he will! That will hopefully be a comforting connection for him at this time. At least, my DC have been for me, since my dad died

EBearhug · 08/01/2015 23:10

What are you scared of? That he'll take it badly?

If you're not showing yet, you probably will be soon, so it's not something you can avoid for long. And if it's something you can't avoid, then IME, it's usually best to get it over and done with - the results are rarely worse than the worrying beforehand, and you've got tomorrow to plan what to say.

Good luck.

noitsbecky · 08/01/2015 23:12

Best of luck Shivs. A baby is a wonderful thing and will give you so much joy.

Inertia · 08/01/2015 23:18

You do need to tell him urgently, your pregnancy has progressed quite a long way and you will need to start making plans .

Your partner's dad will probably be delighted to learn that he's a grandfather-to-be, so do please allow your partner the chance to share the news- it might well bring him some comfort through his illness.

And best wishes to you for the impending arrival!

morethanpotatoprints · 08/01/2015 23:23

Hello OP

What a shock to find out so late in your pregnancy. I was 22 weeks when I found out and to this day dh jokes I wasn't pg before I saw the doctor as the following week i ballooned.
You do have to tell him, sooner rather than later.
Having lost my parents (much later) can agree with the posters who say it will be a focus for a while.
It is an awful thing to go through, having somebody who is terminally ill to care for and it does take its toll.
A baby is lovely news during this sadness and you will be busy getting things together and attending appointments for a while now.
Keep well and good luck, I'm sure your boyfriend will be fine with the news.

LuckyAugust · 09/01/2015 07:03

You sound so lovely. Another one who thinks you should tell your boyfriend. Wishing you lots of luck and happiness xxx

Shivz123 · 09/01/2015 07:42

Thank you so much for all the lovely replies after sleeping on it I am definitely going to tell him after my work tonight. In case anyone was wondering. Me and my boyfriend both have full time jobs (me working within my local government) so not got any day to day money issues. The issue is we don't know exactly how much a funeral costs and now then a baba aswell :/. Jeez am still scared of my boyfriends reaction xxx

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VegasIsBest · 09/01/2015 07:52

Congratulations. Suggest you also tell your employer quickly as you will probably be finishing work in about 7 weeks (if you work to 36 weeks). So they'll need to arrange cover for your job.

Shivz123 · 09/01/2015 08:07

Thank you vegaslsbest, yes I am going to tell them Monday as there is no senior management in today and I would rather tell my boyfriend first. I don't know I am going to cope organising everything for the babas arrival and care for and arrange my boyfriends dads funeral and everything else . Any ideas on what I can say to boyfriend would be greatly appreciated as I don't want to stress him out anymore than already or come across insensitive thank you everyone again xxx

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Fairenuff · 09/01/2015 08:08

Oh OP congratulations, what a shock it must be for you, never mind your bf! He might be confused and emotional, not sure of how to handle all the different feelings. Is it ok to feel delight at the same time as grief, for example. Well the answer to that is that feelings are always ok, not matter what they are, they are just how we feel.

Just tell him that you are pleased but sad that it's happened at this time because you want him to be able to concentrate on his dad. Reassure him that this will take nothing away from that but you would like his help and support to start thinking about getting ready for the arrival.

Then get all the support for yourself you can. Family, friends, work colleagues, midwives, etc. Get lots of information, most important, don't panic! Keep posting here too, there will be loads of advice for you if you want it x

karinmaria · 09/01/2015 08:18

Hi OP, I was 7 months pregnant when my mum passed away and when I was 8 months pregnant my FIL had a very close shave due to missing dialysis one too many times.

Tonight sit him down and tell him you have some surprising but wonderful news - you're pregnant! He might be totally shocked or delighted - you just don't know. What you do know is you have total him!

Funerals don't need to cost much. I think my mums was £3000 but it was quite big and the wake was in a nice place with food and a bar. Think you can get it sorted for a third of that.

As for planning for baby, there can be a lot to do. But you can do quite a bit when it is here. For example you won't need a cot for the first few months.

Can you ask any friends/family to help?

Congratulations and good luck!

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