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Pregnancy

23, pregnant and very confused and emotional....

34 replies

25leah88 · 27/07/2011 12:15

I have just found out I am pregnant (very early days) after feeling out of sorts for a couple of weeks. I am in a very happy relationship with my boyfriend of nearly 2 years and although we have talked about having children we are both in shock.
We are currently buying a house and I have just accepted a job offer (before i knew) as a manager. My boyfriend does have a good job but it isn't stable at the moment. I can't help but feel its the straw that broke the donkeys back....
As to how I feel, I would love to be a mum, just maybe now isn't the right time. My partner is in shock and keeps saying it isn't the right time, I am just so confused as to what to do, any advise appreciated.

OP posts:

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Crosshair · 27/07/2011 12:47

I would give it a few days/week and reassess how you both feel and what you actually want.

I think everyone feels confused and scared at first even when its planned.

icravecheese · 27/07/2011 12:55

You poor love, I do feel for you....

All I can really say is, there is never a 'right' time to have a baby, something will always come along & make you think that the time isnt quite right. Each time I have fallen pregnant, something has happened during the pregnancy that, had it happened 3 or 4 months before, I would have said "oh gosh, I couldnt/shouldnt try for a baby now, the time isnt right" - house purchase falling through, redundancy etc etc. However, I have found that you cope and deal with these eventualities & everything seems to work out just fine.

No-body can help you make your mind up, I guess its purely down to you and your partner to discuss. However it might be worth finding someone impartial to talk to about this to... either through your GP / family / friends (sorry, I dont know of anyone 'professional' off the top of my head, someone might come along and suggest something appropriate).

Good luck, whatever decision you make. Life is complicated & throws all sorts of things at us, its how we deal with them that shapes our lives. Wishing you lots of luck xx

MissusTulip · 27/07/2011 12:58

It sounds like the shock hasn't worn off yet for either of you, so I agree with crosshair's advice and give yourself some time to let this sink in and see how you feel. There is no right time to have kids, so if now is not the time, then it's not the time. And if it is, then congratulations!

Keep talking to your boyfriend and any other good supportive people in your life, as well as here. x

icravecheese · 27/07/2011 13:02

yes, I second crosshair & missustulips advice above.... do wait for a week or so to let the news sink in before you make any decisions.....

25leah88 · 27/07/2011 13:26

thank you very much for all your advice, called my mum and cried for a good hour! She is being amazing and has said she will support me whatever my decision. She had me when she was young and understands how hard it can be, funnily I didn't expect her to be so calm!

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25leah88 · 27/07/2011 13:32

Im trying to think logically and I am failing...

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minibump4321 · 27/07/2011 13:37

I fell pg when i was 22. Although me and Bf talked about kids we didn't plan it for then. We were so unsure as like you i had just accepted a new job and we were looking to move house. My Mum was fantastic and said it was our choice, we decided to keep the baby and we couldn't be happier. BF changed to DH, DD is now 3 my work were very understanding, and although we couldn't change house then we are now and we're expecting baby no. 2.

You have to do whats right for you and your DP. But sometimes unplanned can work out great things have a way of working out, i don't think there's ever a right time you always find obstacles.

Like others have said you are both probably still in shock (i remember the feeling well when you see that blue line) give it a couple of weeks you have time and keep talking.

Good luck with you decision.

Gingersnap88 · 27/07/2011 14:16

I'm 23 and pregnant too (early days, only about 6 weeks) and am in a very similar situation to you. I live with my fiance, we're looking to buy a house, I'm in a job that I love and although its not the "right" time, we decided that there is never really a "right time".
When I found out, I panicked. All I could think of for the first hour or so was: how will we support this baby? What about my partners job? Is this the right time? I'm so young! etc.
So I let it sink in for a few days, and now I know that I couldn't (personally) do anything else, and I know that we will cope. No one can make this choice for you, but don't feel guilty for not being super excited straight away. My partner was really excited from the first moment, but I had to get my head around it. Telling my mum really helped actually, she gave me a hug and told me it would be alright- I suppose that confidence really helped when I needed it most. If you want a chat or a moan, get in touch anytime, no matter how you feel.

25leah88 · 27/07/2011 14:36

thank you so much Gingersnap88 it is really nice to know someone else dealt with this!! It also so nice to hear you being so positive,oh and congratulations

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Scheherezadea · 27/07/2011 16:09

Hi - I was in the exact same position as you, although my birthday was in may and I'm 24 now! I got pregnant at 23, graduated last summer, had just started a great new job, my DP was doing well on his, but we were only renting, i had horses....I absolutely panicked, kept saying "whoops!" when I told DP I was pg! But you know - it really does all work out, once the shock and panic period passes, you realise there is no 'right time' and to be honest, right now we both agree it's actually perfect - I've had to quit my job, but I'd rather do it now and then restart my career in a couple of years, as then I'll still be young and won't have missed too much. I'd rather do it this way than keep 'putting it off'.

DPs cousins also had the same thing, and they were living in a small 1 bed rented apartment (and still are - kid is 3 and they manage fine!). They agree it was just 'meant to be' and would never ever change it if they wanted to.

It really does work out fine, you're young and that's only a good thing :)

ginaribena · 27/07/2011 20:57

I first fell pregnant accidentally at 23, had been married 4 months, in middle of teacher training,just moved to London with no extended family around me. My DH was terrified for a couple of days and said he wasn't ready, and I didn't stop crying for about 48 hours as felt it would be impossible financially - but he soon came around and convinced me it would be just fine, and we haven't looked back.

All the Mummy friends I made have 10-15 years on me, and I felt very alone and sometimes inadequate as they all had amazing careers and seemed so much more capable (this was really just in my head). Now, a few years older and a lot wiser I know that it doesn't really matter how old you are pregnancy and parenting is always a terrifying prospect at first. Many of my friends who were older when they had their babies told me how lucky I was to meet the right man when I was young, and that there are actually many advantages to starting a family in your twenties!

If you do decide to keep the baby you'll never look back I promise you it'll be your life's biggest accomplishment. I'm 29 now and expecting my 3rd - 30s is my decade to get my career sorted! I'm still young, my body has held up pretty well, I've got 2 beautiful boys a loving DH, and I can't wait to develop other sides of myself that have been on hold for a few years. We did things differently but i wouldn't change it!

feekerry · 27/07/2011 21:04

hi

i'm a few years older than you but last year we moved to a bigger house and took on a rather large mortgage. things are tight to say the least! Then found out i was pregnant. you may be able to search my old posts (something about 'dread'!) but i was devestated when i found out, really really didnt want it etc etc. then, oddly, woke up 2 days later feeling TOTALLY different and i'm now 6 weeks gone and really excited. things will be tight money wise but wont they always!
its obviously up to you but given my extreme change in feelings overnight i urge you not to make any quick decisions!!
xxx

mareish · 27/07/2011 23:09

Speak to your doctor as they can give advice on how much time you have to make a decision. Try to get an appointment with an open minded one though as some are biased.
You have more time than you think, panic grabs hold & it feels like you have to decide NOW! This is something I have experienced in the past & it seems soooo important that you decide immediately, right now.
You will make a decision, then change it, lots, but your mind will slow down, just give yourself a week or two.
Also bpas are good, they can give you information on the website with regards to how much time you have & they will not push you either way.
You will make a decision, after all you have to! Whichever way - talk to whoever you need to, take time, you do have some, honestly!
Oh, my heart goes out to you!
YOUR decision is the one that matters most.
Best wishes to you!

fortyplus · 27/07/2011 23:13

My niece fell pregnant at 21 when she and her bf had only been together 6 months. Today she's happily married and a great mum to a gorgeous little boy just coming up for 3.

It's hard work but worth it. If you consider not going ahead with the pregnancy then be sure youre doing it for the right reasons and won't regret the decision.

lightsandshapes · 28/07/2011 14:05

I don't think 23 is that young tbh. Your body is fit and healthy and you have energy. I'm 34 expecting my first with a 45 year old DP and life is not automatically perfect then. I still have issues with house being too small, arguments with partner about silly things, trying to balance work, money, pets etc. Don't fall for the idea that waiting until you're older will make everything easier.... it doesn't. If I was you I would sieze the opportunity - your boyfriend will have to get used - he put it there in the first place :) That's just my 5 centes worth.

fraktious · 28/07/2011 14:12

I was 24, it wasn't exactly unplanned but it could have come at a better time! I'd just got a new job to start the September, we'd only been married 6 months, I was coming out of a bit of a blue period following a move half way round the world and it just knocked me for 6. I didn't feel excited or ready or happy at all until about half way through. Now DS is here, 3 months old, snuggled up to me and snoozing in his sling I know it was the right thing. Someone up there wanted me to have a baby, clearly!

So it can be okay. It's normal to feel totally ambushed though. Give yourself a bit of time to get used to the idea.

25leah88 · 28/07/2011 21:26

thank you everyone, I don't feel quite so in shock now and actually thinking things through. DP is even starting to open up and talk to me about how he feels...
thank you lightsandshapes puts it into perspective, i know it a lot of ways I am lucky I have a DP and I am young enough to almost be a cool mum....almost

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GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 28/07/2011 21:46

sharing my story too - I fell pregnant by DH when I was 25. Baby was planned and we STILL went through (to be honest) months of saying "what the fuck have we done"...the shock is unbelieveable. We even now get moments of saying we're young compared to our parent friends and mourning not being able to do a lot of the things our friends our age can - but the grass is always greener and we are INUNDATED with friends wanting to babysit for us, who hang out with DS (now 2) because we take him along to everything we can. My mum had me at 24 so she's a young grandmother and loves being able to help out. It goes without saying that despite the limitations we have on us now for being parents, I woulnd't swap it for the world, DS is the best decision we ever made and has a little sister on the way.

It's never the perfect time - you just need to do what's right for you both. Nobody is in a position to judge you

lollystix · 28/07/2011 23:11

Look at it this way. Biologically it's a very good age to have a baby. Also a generation or two ago having a baby at 23 was VERY normal. There's never going to be a good time. You can still take on and keep your job. They can't get rid of you for being pregs. Bf is probably just very shocked but he'll get there. Give it time.. My friend had daughter at 25. now almost 10 years on her career is going brilliantly and she looks fab and has her life back.

needsanswers · 29/07/2011 00:47

hi leah, i was 19when fell preg with DS i was told i couldn't have kids so was a shock, me and my partner had been together 2years at the time. im not going to say its easy coz its not, we had just moved into our 1st flat and had nothing really, but now both me and my partner are 22 have a nice house (altho still renting) have nice cars, furniture etc and an absolutely amazingly beautiful 3year old and am expecting our 2nd baby which we have just found out it a little boy!! in my eyes life couldn't be any better. Im not telling you my story to persuade you in anyway but i just wanted to let you know that things do work out, and now looking back i couldn't picture my life any other way, if u decides now is not the right time for you then maybe 5 or 10years from now might be the right time! do what is best for you and your partner, just make sure you are absolutely certain of your decision and will have no regrets either way! i wish you all the very best :) GOODLUCK!

corneliak · 29/07/2011 21:18

Anything is possible, I fell pregnant at 16; life changing experience. It wasn't a good time but it worked wonderfully, we didn't stay together (whole other issue) but I got a degree and an amazing full time job while raising our son, also met my amazing husband and had our daughter.

I just wanted to say; life doesn't stop, if everything is ok you can work fine (if you work an 'easyish on the body' job) for 8 months, your work should be fine for you to take MAT leave. Babies don't have to take up lots of space (if the house you brought is small) and they don't have to cost the earth.

curleywurley2 · 29/07/2011 21:34

I was 21 when I fell pregnant with my daughter and me and my boyfriend had only been together for 4 months when I found out I was 2 months gone!!!
Needless to say we wernt living together and it was very early days in our relationship to even think about a baby but we have stuck together through it all.
Our daughter is now 3, me and my boyfriend are now married and have our own house and Im currently 23 weeks pregnant with our baby boy.
Im not going to lie, its bloody hard work and it does push your relationship with your partener to the ultimate limit but it is totally worth it.
Just make sure you dont rush into anything huni cause it is a big decision but only you can decide and just be strong. Believe me when I found out I was pregnant 1st time around I nearly fell off the toilet seat with shock lol xxx

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25leah88 · 01/08/2011 14:32

we sat on the bathroom floor shaking and stunned, didn't move for a good hour! Having spoken to a few friends (few are mothers) I have got over the shock and trying to work out if we can make things work. My DP has calmed down too so talking about it has become easier. I was also told having children could be difficult and I was on the pill. I cant help but feel like its a fighter.
corneliakThe house we are in the process of buying already has a nursery... we were going to make it into a home office!

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lightsandshapes · 02/08/2011 18:36

good luck and happy to help put things in perspective :) x

chocolatchaud · 02/08/2011 18:48

Just another one here with a similar story - I was a couple of years older, but really not keen on having children. I also knew no-one who had had children (but that's lovely as your DC will be soooo spoilt!) but quickly made a fantastic group of friends with whom I am still very close.

We went ahead, and although I was pretty unhappy throughout the whole pregnancy, when I held DS1 for the first time, it was the most amazing feeling. I have never looked back and have now completed my family with an additional 3 DCs!

It takes time for the shock to wear off - IME it can be the same even if a pregnancy is planned - it is a big deal! You may have ups and downs while you are pregnant, but I think it is worth it. You are in a pretty good position in comparison to some people, and when really is the 'perfect' time?

Good luck and hope you make the right decision for you.

Flip

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