23, pregnant and very confused and emotional....

[25leah88]

I have just found out I am pregnant (very early days) after feeling out of sorts for a couple of weeks. I am in a very happy relationship with my boyfriend of nearly 2 years and although we have talked about having children we are both in shock.
We are currently buying a house and I have just accepted a job offer (before i knew) as a manager. My boyfriend does have a good job but it isn't stable at the moment. I can't help but feel its the straw that broke the donkeys back....
As to how I feel, I would love to be a mum, just maybe now isn't the right time. My partner is in shock and keeps saying it isn't the right time, I am just so confused as to what to do, any advise appreciated.

[WiiUnfit]

Hi Leah, congratulations, just wanted to share my experiences with you.

I found out I was pregnant when DP & I were 19, we were very worried about how we would support this baby & how we would cope. I was working in a company that was about to undergo a huge restructure, losing approximately 50% of staff, DP was working with his family part time & a retained firefighter the rest of the time. The first thing I did was burst into tears, despite DP & I saying if I was pregnant it was obviously meant to be (as I was on the pill) & we would be happy. I went to work that morning in complete shock, the whole day was a massive blur & I spent weeks being worried about how I would care for this tiny person. As did DP.

Eventually, we both came around to the idea, for us abortion was never an option. We had our first scan at 13 weeks, it was such an emotional moment, a happy one. As my bump grew & I started feeling fluttery movements, then kicks & punches we both fell deeper in love with the little one inside every single day.

Now, we are both 20, our Son is 9 weeks old, after a difficult pregnancy & difficult birth (Emergency C-Section) we wouldn't change anything. I promise you that you will absolutely love every second & of course, you & DP will be absolutely fine. :)

[Zay04]

I was in the same position a couple of weeks ago. I'm 24 and the only one with a full time job, my husband does not work and is still looking for a job. When I found out I went to work and just spent literally the whole day at my desk crying with no idea what to do. It's not the perfect situation to be in, and I would have like it to happen a bit later on in life. I'm still not sure I'm ready to be a mum. But give it time. Now I've started talking baby things and told one of my friends, who was very excited for me, which rubbed off. I know I made the right decision, and you will too. But don't rush into anything, take your time, you'll do whats best for you, your family and your baby. x

[tudorrose]

Congratulations! There is never a right time to have a baby.

I had DD1 when I was 19, it's hard, but it's ok in the end. She is now 20, at university and taking her driving test tommorrow. Have no idea where the time went. Enjoy it.

[georgethecat]

Thats great news! its a great age to have one! wish I'd done it younger :) before you know it you are creeping through your 30s worrying about fertility! Good Luck, I'm sure you'll love it xxx

[cazzybabs]

I had my 1st baby at 23 (fell pregnant when I was with my bf for about 2 months) ... we now have 4 kids and are (happily) married ... there is a never good time to have a baby - good luck!

[Clandy]

Congratulations I had dd at 22 and it is the most perfect and best ever thing (wasn't planned) now we are trying for baby number 2 just think when your 45 your baby will be independent enough for you to have your freedom then, that's how we see it plus we will hopefully have a lot more money then than we do now so prob wouldn't be doing much we own our own house and although we are by no means rolling in cash we get by just fine. Like others have said dd is the apple if so many of my friends eyes as they have no children an I think we have settled into parenthood better than some older mums we know as we just don't know any different. You will love it im sure

[Crosshair]

Congratulations!

[25leah88]

Just to update everyone who has been so nice to offer advice...
We have decided that we are going to have this baby

[Firawla]

Just to say, I don't think you are necessarily in that bad of a position to have a baby, you're in a happy relationship, buying a house so you have got stability and i'm sure the new job will still entitle you to maternity leave? so if you want to go ahead it sounds like things would not be too bad. It may be a shock now but don't forget you would have plenty of time to get used to the idea and get ready. I wouldn't worry about your age, I do think you're in a good position for 23 and imo its a good age to be a mum.
I am 24, expecting my 3rd very soon and had my first at 21, we were not in that good of a position when I was pregnant with him as we didn't have anywhere of our own to live, we were with inlaws and had various issues with that but by the time he was born we had sorted somewhere and things were fairly settled, so you do have plenty of time to get everything organised and get used to the idea. Then when I was 22 I found out by suprise I was expecting my 2nd which was quite a shock at first as my 1st was still young but once again it worked out fine, if you do want the baby then you will find a way to make it work and you would cope fine i am sure, sometimes the idea is more overwhelming at first but if you have them you will be okay

[chocolatchaud]

Just another one here with a similar story - I was a couple of years older, but really not keen on having children. I also knew no-one who had had children (but that's lovely as your DC will be soooo spoilt!) but quickly made a fantastic group of friends with whom I am still very close.

We went ahead, and although I was pretty unhappy throughout the whole pregnancy, when I held DS1 for the first time, it was the most amazing feeling. I have never looked back and have now completed my family with an additional 3 DCs!

It takes time for the shock to wear off - IME it can be the same even if a pregnancy is planned - it is a big deal! You may have ups and downs while you are pregnant, but I think it is worth it. You are in a pretty good position in comparison to some people, and when really is the 'perfect' time?

Good luck and hope you make the right decision for you.

[lightsandshapes]

good luck and happy to help put things in perspective :) x

[25leah88]

we sat on the bathroom floor shaking and stunned, didn't move for a good hour! Having spoken to a few friends (few are mothers) I have got over the shock and trying to work out if we can make things work. My DP has calmed down too so talking about it has become easier. I was also told having children could be difficult and I was on the pill. I cant help but feel like its a fighter.
corneliakThe house we are in the process of buying already has a nursery... we were going to make it into a home office!

[curleywurley2]

I was 21 when I fell pregnant with my daughter and me and my boyfriend had only been together for 4 months when I found out I was 2 months gone!!!
Needless to say we wernt living together and it was very early days in our relationship to even think about a baby but we have stuck together through it all.
Our daughter is now 3, me and my boyfriend are now married and have our own house and Im currently 23 weeks pregnant with our baby boy.
Im not going to lie, its bloody hard work and it does push your relationship with your partener to the ultimate limit but it is totally worth it.
Just make sure you dont rush into anything huni cause it is a big decision but only you can decide and just be strong. Believe me when I found out I was pregnant 1st time around I nearly fell off the toilet seat with shock lol xxx

[corneliak]

Anything is possible, I fell pregnant at 16; life changing experience. It wasn't a good time but it worked wonderfully, we didn't stay together (whole other issue) but I got a degree and an amazing full time job while raising our son, also met my amazing husband and had our daughter.

I just wanted to say; life doesn't stop, if everything is ok you can work fine (if you work an 'easyish on the body' job) for 8 months, your work should be fine for you to take MAT leave. Babies don't have to take up lots of space (if the house you brought is small) and they don't have to cost the earth.

[needsanswers]

hi leah, i was 19when fell preg with DS i was told i couldn't have kids so was a shock, me and my partner had been together 2years at the time. im not going to say its easy coz its not, we had just moved into our 1st flat and had nothing really, but now both me and my partner are 22 have a nice house (altho still renting) have nice cars, furniture etc and an absolutely amazingly beautiful 3year old and am expecting our 2nd baby which we have just found out it a little boy!! in my eyes life couldn't be any better. Im not telling you my story to persuade you in anyway but i just wanted to let you know that things do work out, and now looking back i couldn't picture my life any other way, if u decides now is not the right time for you then maybe 5 or 10years from now might be the right time! do what is best for you and your partner, just make sure you are absolutely certain of your decision and will have no regrets either way! i wish you all the very best :) GOODLUCK!

[lollystix]

Look at it this way. Biologically it's a very good age to have a baby. Also a generation or two ago having a baby at 23 was VERY normal. There's never going to be a good time. You can still take on and keep your job. They can't get rid of you for being pregs. Bf is probably just very shocked but he'll get there. Give it time.. My friend had daughter at 25. now almost 10 years on her career is going brilliantly and she looks fab and has her life back.

[GirlWithTheMouseyHair]

sharing my story too - I fell pregnant by DH when I was 25. Baby was planned and we STILL went through (to be honest) months of saying "what the fuck have we done"...the shock is unbelieveable. We even now get moments of saying we're young compared to our parent friends and mourning not being able to do a lot of the things our friends our age can - but the grass is always greener and we are INUNDATED with friends wanting to babysit for us, who hang out with DS (now 2) because we take him along to everything we can. My mum had me at 24 so she's a young grandmother and loves being able to help out. It goes without saying that despite the limitations we have on us now for being parents, I woulnd't swap it for the world, DS is the best decision we ever made and has a little sister on the way.

It's never the perfect time - you just need to do what's right for you both. Nobody is in a position to judge you

[25leah88]

thank you everyone, I don't feel quite so in shock now and actually thinking things through. DP is even starting to open up and talk to me about how he feels...
thank you lightsandshapes puts it into perspective, i know it a lot of ways I am lucky I have a DP and I am young enough to almost be a cool mum....almost

[fraktious]

I was 24, it wasn't exactly unplanned but it could have come at a better time! I'd just got a new job to start the September, we'd only been married 6 months, I was coming out of a bit of a blue period following a move half way round the world and it just knocked me for 6. I didn't feel excited or ready or happy at all until about half way through. Now DS is here, 3 months old, snuggled up to me and snoozing in his sling I know it was the right thing. Someone up there wanted me to have a baby, clearly!

So it can be okay. It's normal to feel totally ambushed though. Give yourself a bit of time to get used to the idea.

[lightsandshapes]

I don't think 23 is that young tbh. Your body is fit and healthy and you have energy. I'm 34 expecting my first with a 45 year old DP and life is not automatically perfect then. I still have issues with house being too small, arguments with partner about silly things, trying to balance work, money, pets etc. Don't fall for the idea that waiting until you're older will make everything easier.... it doesn't. If I was you I would sieze the opportunity - your boyfriend will have to get used - he put it there in the first place :) That's just my 5 centes worth.

[fortyplus]

My niece fell pregnant at 21 when she and her bf had only been together 6 months. Today she's happily married and a great mum to a gorgeous little boy just coming up for 3.

It's hard work but worth it. If you consider not going ahead with the pregnancy then be sure youre doing it for the right reasons and won't regret the decision.

[mareish]

Speak to your doctor as they can give advice on how much time you have to make a decision. Try to get an appointment with an open minded one though as some are biased.
You have more time than you think, panic grabs hold & it feels like you have to decide NOW! This is something I have experienced in the past & it seems soooo important that you decide immediately, right now.
You will make a decision, then change it, lots, but your mind will slow down, just give yourself a week or two.
Also bpas are good, they can give you information on the website with regards to how much time you have & they will not push you either way.
You will make a decision, after all you have to! Whichever way - talk to whoever you need to, take time, you do have some, honestly!
Oh, my heart goes out to you!
YOUR decision is the one that matters most.
Best wishes to you!

[feekerry]

hi

i'm a few years older than you but last year we moved to a bigger house and took on a rather large mortgage. things are tight to say the least! Then found out i was pregnant. you may be able to search my old posts (something about 'dread'!) but i was devestated when i found out, really really didnt want it etc etc. then, oddly, woke up 2 days later feeling TOTALLY different and i'm now 6 weeks gone and really excited. things will be tight money wise but wont they always!
its obviously up to you but given my extreme change in feelings overnight i urge you not to make any quick decisions!!
xxx

[ginaribena]

I first fell pregnant accidentally at 23, had been married 4 months, in middle of teacher training,just moved to London with no extended family around me. My DH was terrified for a couple of days and said he wasn't ready, and I didn't stop crying for about 48 hours as felt it would be impossible financially - but he soon came around and convinced me it would be just fine, and we haven't looked back.

All the Mummy friends I made have 10-15 years on me, and I felt very alone and sometimes inadequate as they all had amazing careers and seemed so much more capable (this was really just in my head). Now, a few years older and a lot wiser I know that it doesn't really matter how old you are pregnancy and parenting is always a terrifying prospect at first. Many of my friends who were older when they had their babies told me how lucky I was to meet the right man when I was young, and that there are actually many advantages to starting a family in your twenties!

If you do decide to keep the baby you'll never look back I promise you it'll be your life's biggest accomplishment. I'm 29 now and expecting my 3rd - 30s is my decade to get my career sorted! I'm still young, my body has held up pretty well, I've got 2 beautiful boys a loving DH, and I can't wait to develop other sides of myself that have been on hold for a few years. We did things differently but i wouldn't change it!

[Scheherezadea]

Hi - I was in the exact same position as you, although my birthday was in may and I'm 24 now! I got pregnant at 23, graduated last summer, had just started a great new job, my DP was doing well on his, but we were only renting, i had horses....I absolutely panicked, kept saying "whoops!" when I told DP I was pg! But you know - it really does all work out, once the shock and panic period passes, you realise there is no 'right time' and to be honest, right now we both agree it's actually perfect - I've had to quit my job, but I'd rather do it now and then restart my career in a couple of years, as then I'll still be young and won't have missed too much. I'd rather do it this way than keep 'putting it off'.

DPs cousins also had the same thing, and they were living in a small 1 bed rented apartment (and still are - kid is 3 and they manage fine!). They agree it was just 'meant to be' and would never ever change it if they wanted to.

It really does work out fine, you're young and that's only a good thing :)