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Has anybody ever contemplating leaving their children?

(60 Posts)
lulu41 Tue 01-Sep-09 14:45:32

I know as a mother you are not supposed to do this. I love my dcs with all my heart and would miss them terribly but I wont to move out of london and their whole lives are here with their father. Our relationship is over for good and I want to be as far away from him as possible but I dont wont a custody battle as I know there would be so am considering leaving them behind.

lynniep Tue 01-Sep-09 14:49:40

I'm sorry but no. My mother did this and I cannot get my head around it. If you love them with all your heart then you would fight for them. I'm sure there are women out there who feel this way though - wasnt there a recent tv program on it? How old are the dcs?

twofalls Tue 01-Sep-09 14:51:37

No, sorry I don't think I ever could, but then I haven't been in your shoes. Why would you not fight for custody?

lulu41 Tue 01-Sep-09 14:53:18

they are 6 and 11. No strength left for a fight just want to end all the stress for all of us

Pinkjenny Tue 01-Sep-09 14:54:01

Absolutely not, I can't forsee any situation that would mean I would leave without them. Ever.

brimfull Tue 01-Sep-09 14:55:26

no dh's mother leftwhen he was 7 for exact reasons you said .
It is not somehitng I could do to my children.

Get over him by other means than distance.

madeupsurname Tue 01-Sep-09 14:57:53

Poor you, lulu, you sound very sad.

There are ways to arrange custody without going to court - a lot of people to go mediation to discuss access arrangements.

There's no reason why you couldn't live outside london and still have your DCs with you for part of each week.

Do you think you might be a bit depressed? (Sorry if this sounds patronising or just completely thick.) These situations are incredibly stressful, and it's hard to make big decisions about the future when you are feeling overwhelmed.

sunburntats Tue 01-Sep-09 14:58:56

erm yes.

i was suffering from depression. I was not in my right mind.
was looking at going to work in Saudi, alone. sending all my wage home. visits twice a year.

was in a very evry very dark and desperate place,
luckily i have a wonderful dh who made it all ok again for me, that and ads got my head working properly again.

IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes Tue 01-Sep-09 15:00:11

I wouldn't leave my children over geography. I did consider it because ill health prevents me from being the kind of parent I think dd deserves.

If I thought that my dp could be a better parent than me I would allow him to raise dd.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 01-Sep-09 15:01:18

No strength left to fight for your children?

Do you want harsh reality or there there comments?

twofalls Tue 01-Sep-09 15:01:21

I think you have to think about what is more important. Being far away from your ex or being close to your DCs. Surely being close to your DCs has to take priority? You sound worn out from it all but you can't just run away from it all, as much as you would like to.

lulu41 Tue 01-Sep-09 15:19:45

knew what I would get with this question so wont bother coming back to this thread - thanks for your comments and I dont suppose for one miute I will have the strenght to leave I will just stay like so many faceless women and become more and more miserable every day until the day I die when perhaps my childen will be glad that I did because i am sorry miserable

LuluMaman Tue 01-Sep-09 15:24:01

don't disappear

mothers admitting they don't want their children is the ultimate taboo

it is not something i personally would / could contemplate, i would imagine that you , lulu41, are currently feeling low and depressed and trapped

i thikn that leaving london & your DCs and seeing them sporadically will hurt you all in the short and long term

how does your ex feel? would he want full time residency?

at 6 & 11 your children are going to remember you and you leaving

i think you shoud talk to someone and go through this before you make life altering and shattering decisions

Buda Tue 01-Sep-09 15:25:08

You sound very depressed. I think you need to focus on that and get some help for it and then try and remove as many of the negatives from your current situation as possible. By that I mean look at ways you can improve things. Could you move to the outskirts of London or somewhere in the home counties so that your children are still near their dad?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 01-Sep-09 15:30:17

People will help you, no need to be stroppy and martyr like, but you have to be open about what you want and how you feel.

You will get a huge range of responses and you wont like all of them but that is the chance you take when you post for advice on any subject.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 01-Sep-09 15:31:35

And actually, I have wanted to walk out but I know I never would.

lulu41 Tue 01-Sep-09 15:39:37

stroppy and martyr like - wtf - dont want posts from you or your kind - in fact dont worry about this post it was only a question I aint going anywhere - go back to your FAB life

Pinkjenny Tue 01-Sep-09 15:44:08

lulu41 - this is a very emotive subject, you must have anticipated some negative responses, surely.

I hope you find some strength and resolution.

twofalls Tue 01-Sep-09 15:45:16

lulu, you sound sad, angry, depressed and like life has just got to much for you. Are you getting any help or real life support? I am sorry you don't like some of the responses on here. What do you think you were you hoping for when you posted your OP?

IOnlyReadtheDailyMailinCafes Tue 01-Sep-09 15:46:19

I dont think you sound stroppy or martyr like , but I dont think you are thinking straight which could be depression or just a reaction to dealing with a stressful breakup.

Does your ex want the children to live with him?

twofalls Tue 01-Sep-09 15:46:21

<What do you think you were you hoping for when you posted your OP? >

That was a genuine question btw, I didn't mean it to be provocative.

TheChilliMooseisyourfriend Tue 01-Sep-09 15:48:59

My mum left her children and moved abroad (before I was born in her second marriage) and my brother do have a problem with it.
However, I have considered it myself, but not because of a relationship problem with my DH, but because I just feel that I cannot cope sometimes.
You say you would stay geographically close, and that is good. If their father is able able to cope and it means that both parents can be happy apart, and the children aren't witness to arguing etc, then I think it is a positive thing in this specific situation.

melmog Tue 01-Sep-09 15:49:23

You can't be for real.
I'm sure there are many women in similar positions to you but they wouldn't come on here, asking for advice, then being a total arse.
You did sound depressed initially, now you sound like a stroppy teenager.

Lizzylou Tue 01-Sep-09 15:52:20

I agree with Lulu, you are obviously very low if you are even contemplating this.

But you must know that this is not the way forward for you or your children.

Divorce/seperations happen, but your children need you, try and get some help to get strong and stay with your children, not necessarily their Father.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Tue 01-Sep-09 15:53:04

I personally couldn't do it but I have a freind who did and she cannot and never will ever forgive herself for it honestly, if you are already that desperately low then this would I believe possibly make things much much worse.
My friend did what she thought was the best thing at the time and in a way I can see why she felt she had to do it and would never judge her on it (and she judges herself very harshly on it believe me) she was in a drastic place with utter misery stretching before her but she would, I can promise you, be the first person to tell you to fight for your children.
She still sees her ds a lot but she can never make it up to him that she left.

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