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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

1 2

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Should I tell my daughter she has a half sister? 2 continued

36 replies

tedrekasta · 03/07/2017 17:18

Thanks everyone for your help.

The relative of the PM has replied to me - just 5 minutes ago - and explained the situation. Which whilst not exactly pleasant has at least given me an understanding of why the PM doesn't want any contact with our PD.

It hasn't moved on the objective of arranging contact though.

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MrsSthe3rd · 04/07/2017 11:10

Ted, I have followed your previous thread and just wanted to ask one question for now:

Would you be willing to show your wife this thread?

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tedrekasta · 04/07/2017 16:45

That's an interesting question MrsSthe3rd.

The honest answer is probably not.

But I suppose I didn't want to be 'withholding ' in the discussion. So, if I had not told the truth about our relationship and current events it would have made it impossible to get useful advice from you all.

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CraftyYankee · 04/07/2017 16:49

So what did the relative say?

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tedrekasta · 04/07/2017 17:13

CraftyYankee

I slightly don't want to repeat it for two reasons.

It's not direct from the PM herself. Though it is a reliable source.
It's particularly negative about my personality - and if I tell the truth about these matters I get slated on this forum. And have been told to 'man up' and 'grow a pair'. Both of which are sexist and aggressive comments in my opinion.

However, for the purposes of the forum I suppose I could say that the gist of it is that the PM is of the opinion that it's better and more normal to be volatile.

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tedrekasta · 04/07/2017 23:15

Clarification

I pay far in excess of what I am obliged to pay in the way of maintenance payments. Even now when it is slightly reduced by my wife it is still far in excess of what they should be - either by Polish standards or by UK standards.

So whilst my wife has slightly reduced the payments, they are still much more than she is legally entitled to. Which is probably partly why my wife wanted them reduced.

Someone suggested I apologise to the PM. For what? For telling my wife? Surely that was what everyone on the forum thought I should do?

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tedrekasta · 14/07/2017 15:59

The PM got in touch! Kind of. She sent a photo.

A small step forward I hope! ??

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NotMyPenguin · 15/07/2017 10:24

I am really pleased for you. This is a small step but hopefully you will be able to make repair, one small step at a time. Also, perhaps this whole episode has brought home to you how much your youngest daughter means to you.

Have you replied?

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RollerCoasterProteinSpill · 06/08/2017 05:35

Any updates?

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purpleviolet1 · 22/10/2017 22:51

How’s it going OP ?

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RollerCoasterProteinSpill · 20/11/2017 14:30

I am so curious about how this turned out. Always hope for a happy ending.

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mamahanji · 21/11/2017 13:21

Sadly I don’t think there will be a happy ending here as the OP was determined to let his wife destroy his relationship with his secret child, whilst only interested in seeking counselling for himself for his lack of any gumption to do anything morally right by both his children.

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tedrekasta · 12/05/2018 20:01

I have some news. Not good. But things are a bit more sorted out.

Shall explain in detail later. Thanks again everyone.

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SparklyMagpie · 15/05/2018 15:46

What's the update?

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tedrekasta · 15/05/2018 17:31

Sorry to be so slow at responding. I've been in a rather depressed state emotionally for quite some time.

The outcome is that my daughter and her mother flew to England so that we could have a DNA test. This proved I am the father.

My wife had agreed beforehand that IF she was my daughter she would allow me to pay the full maintenance payments as I had been paying before the whole 'telling my wife thing'.

So, the state of play is that the mother is being paid the full amount I was paying before. And not having any reduction made due to my wifes feelings on the whole thing.

My wife is still checking my emails before I send them to my daughters mother. And is still forbidding me to discuss my foreign daughter with our English daughter.

And........... the mother of my daughter does not want me to visit my daughter ever again.

As I have mentioned before she is of the opinion that I am too weak and not manly/masculine and she thinks that is a bad role model for our daughter??!!!? She made this clear to me when she came over and even said that she would rather not have any maintenance payments if it meant me seeing our daughter.

I find that attitude incredible in these days of feminism and equality. I would have imagined it was desireable for a man to be 'softer' in personality rather than some 'macho neanderthal'.

So, that's it really. All very upsetting.

My only way forward is legal. But again as i said before it might be a pyrrhic victory. I could win access. But my daughters mother could make sure that in reality it was more or less impossible to implement.

Which leaves me totally miserable. I miss my daughter (s).

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SparklyMagpie · 15/05/2018 17:47

I only caught up with this thread before but I had been on your first thread

Tbh, I'd fuck it all and go for what i wanted, it keeps being mentioned, but you need to suck it up now,nobody is benefiting from any of this

I have a friend who is currently about to start court proceedings and would not ever let anyone step in his way in regards to seeing his daughter and its been awful to watch

Everyone knows now she is your flesh and blood so suck it up and do what you want and need to do !

I'd be telling your wife to shove it now btw, I couldn't stay with someone who held such a big lie like that but more so would not be standing in their way to have a relationship

The whole thing is pathetic and you've got to think of who really matters in all of this

Because nobody else is and your standing in the shadows

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tedrekasta · 15/05/2018 19:12

Thanks sparklymagpie (love the name).

If I go down the legal route it seems as though the reality may be that I don't get much time seeing my Polish daughter. If any.

The mother and grandmother can make it difficult.

Also the mother of my daughter has made it clear that if I tried withholding payments (I wouldn't) she still wouldn't agree to me seeing our daughter.

The Polish mother seems very set on this and so anything I do would seemingly not work in terms of seeing my daughter.

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SparklyMagpie · 15/05/2018 19:30

Can I ask,an I think it's been mentioned before, but why are you still with your wife? Neither of you are happy?

She's putting all these restrictions down and you are following

I don't understand how you can keep up with this at all?

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SparklyMagpie · 15/05/2018 19:31

And correct me if I'm wrong but isn't your English daughter of an age where she can decide who she can and can't see??

Regardless your daughter will make that decision if be it in the future... I'd honestly do whatever I could to gain access to your little girl

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SparklyMagpie · 15/05/2018 19:33

An it's worth the fight for it though right?

I've had my friend have melt downs and absolutely break down on me from what he's going through with a very difficult ex but it's pushing him even more to prove it

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tedrekasta · 16/05/2018 14:26

My wife hasn't put any restrictions on me.

She really doesn't want to talk about i,t or have anything to do with the whole thing.

The only thing that she does is monitor my communications with the Polish mother. But that's not a restriction in reality because she has never stopped me sending an email or message. Occasionally she has edited my writing due to her thinking it sounded too affectionate towards the Polish mother - though I don't think it was.

I can't see that my wifes behaviour towards the Polish mother has any impact upon the Polish mother.

As I say the Polish mother has decided I am not manly enough and I don't think she is going to change her opinion. That's the root of the matter. Albeit that to me it seems a very strange stance for her to take.

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SparklyMagpie · 16/05/2018 14:30

Christ,just your wife 'editing' your emails would be enough for me to leave.

It looks like you are going to stay put so I wish you well

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tedrekasta · 16/05/2018 15:40

Sparkymagpie

Thanks. I don't know if you read the first part of this, but although a rather long read it does at least explain everything.

See:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/2846673-Should-I-tell-my-daughter-she-has-a-half-sister-title-edited-by-MNHQ

I must say that I can't see the problem with my wife editing my emails/messages.

As for me leaving my wife and moving in with the Polish mother of my daughter that will never happen for lots of reasons.
a) she has made it clear she doesn't want our daughter to see me ever again. I take it that also means that she doesn't want to see me ever again.
b) I couldn't live with her. She's extremely volatile. And I like peaceful non volatile relationships. She and her mother will shout and scream at each other and then a few minutes later be laughing together. I'm not like that. If she shouts at me then I am very upset for days afterwards. We just have very different personalities.
c) I don't like her. If I never met her ever again I would be happy. The only person i want to see is our daughter. Who I miss very much.

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roomyroomy · 16/05/2018 16:43

Wow. Just wow.

Where to begin.

First off you seem to be making a fundamental mistake in taking everything so literally. Your Polish partner(???) says she doesn't want you to see your daughter. That doesn't mean she doesn't want to see you.

Secondly, I am sorry but you sound a bit needy. And i can't imagine having a relationship with someone like you it would just wear me out. Which is perhaps what your Polish partner(??) is thinking.

Clearly you are sensitive, never an endearing trait in a man, but you really need to see what kind of person you should be in order to win back at least some respect from your Polish partner.

She is seeing you just the same as any woman would see you.

You spend a lot of time blaming her but don't seem to be aware of your own limitations and how irritating you come across.

I honestly wish you the best of luck in all of this. But until you sort out yourself you are never going to win back the respect of your Polish partner and hence it will be difficult to see your daughter.

And yes I have looked through a large amount of the original post!

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tedrekasta · 22/05/2018 09:29

I don't get it.

Why the hating on sensitive men? I thought that over confident alpha males were the people to avoid. We live in an age of equality!!

Anyway, I can't suddenly change my personality in order to win back her respect as you put it. And anyway, I don't like her at all because she uses our daughter as a weapon to hurt me.

Believe me I am acutely aware of my many limitations.

As of today, nothing from her. Despite me sending a couple of emails (my wife didn't change anything).

Thanks for replying.

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tedrekasta2 · 12/09/2018 21:51

For any of you that posted on the original thread that got a 1000 posts here is an update:

Nothing has happened. Still sending the money (full amount now!! as previously explained albeit via my wife) and still not having any contact from the mother.

Basically I've given up. I don't want to go through a legal fight with the mother. It seems too unkind a thing to do. So I can only let her get on with life as she wants it for her and our daughter.

I have to face up to the fact that I may never meet my Polish daughter again, because by the time she is old enough to make her own decisions in life it may well be the case that I have passed away.

All rather depressing.

See:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/2846673-Should-I-tell-my-daughter-she-has-a-half-sister-title-edited-by-MNHQ?pg=40#add_message