I keep hearing and reading about how important good attachment in the early years is, but how do you know if you've got it right? And how do you promote it?!
I have a 2.5yo and a 6 month old. I care for them and (I think) meet all their needs. I have never left them to cry, altho can have a quite 'no nonsense' style with toddler tantrums. Obviously I've had to get used to splitting my time when the baby arrived.
So why can't I shake off the idea that they're not going to grow up "well attached" or whatever that means?
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What does good attachment look like?
77 replies
nephrofox · 25/10/2015 18:18
OP posts:
IndomitabIe ·
25/10/2015 18:27
I remember having the exact same anxieties. I was on my first day back at work when DS was still less than 6 months old, listening to a talk about attachment disorder and the subsequent impact on behaviour and development. How could I have left my child?!
But, that's not what they mean. My child was in a good nursery/with a good childminder who responded to his needs. The children we were learning about had been neglected by parents with huge issues.
Remember the advert: "Myles is a quiet baby, he's learned that when he cries, no one comes". That's the level that causes attachment problems.
Your children, and mine, might be difficult at times, but they've been looked after responsively at the crucial times and in the right ways.
You're doing great. Try not to worry about it. 
NorthernLurker ·
25/10/2015 18:37
You can see good attachment with even very young babies who, when given to somebody else rather than a parent look intently at that person's face. Because they are used to being spoken to, making eye contact and responding to what they see, they look at all faces in the same way, expecting the same. They obviously prefer the faces they know best but they find all faces rewarding. A baby who doesn't have attachment to a primary care giver has no point of reference and won't find faces interesting at all. Why should they - the face they know best never shows interest in them 
So basically OP - you're fine 
SealSong ·
25/10/2015 20:02
Any parent who is loving and caring to their child, meets their basic needs and is generally speaking attuned to their needs will produce a child with a good attachment. It does not mean that you have to 'bend to every whim and whimper', off days, mistakes, and so on a par for the course in any normal attachment, as is normal sanctions and boundaries.
The signs of good attachment change with age and development, e.g. a baby will enjoy being cuddled by their care givers, will make eye contact and give smiles, will not be fearful when handled by primary care givers but may cry when handled by other people. A toddler will still enjoy cuddles and comfort from primary carers but will gradually begin to have the confidence to venture away from primary carers to explore their world (playing nearby with toys, interacting with other children and adults) secure in the knowledge that their primary attachment figure is still 'there for them' whether in close proximity or not. Children with special needs or who are not 'neuro-typical' will not necessarily behave as I describe, but the attachment will still be a good one. Babies and toddlers having passing preferences for one parent over another is not a sign of poor attachment or a concern, it's a normal part of the developmental process and is more about the child beginning to experience their own autonomy.
I have worked for years with children with damaged attachments and know from experience that it actually takes quite a lot for an attachment to be significantly damaged, such as abuse, loss and trauma, severe family or parenting dysfunction, severe mental health or drug and alcohol problems in the parents etc.
I think you're being un-necessarily anxious, OP. You're fine, honestly.
Threesocksnohairbrush ·
25/10/2015 21:45
SealSong talks a lot of sense. I am an adoptive mum of a child who does have significant attachment difficulties. He got that way because he was seriously neglected in his earliest months. You have to try hard to create a diagnosable attachment disorder. Nobody has yet found a reliable measure of attachment and used it in a whole population, so we really don't know how 'attached' most children are, or whether it matters to their future lives exactly how well attached they are within the 'normal' range.
In general, most parents and most babies are hard wired to respond to each other in particular ways - playing, chatting, singing, mirroring what the child does - and this promotes a secure attachment. It's why people talk about 'good enough' parenting.
If you are generally happy to be with your toddler and they with you, and you feel able to meet most of their needs most of the time (which includes a need for loving sensible limits!), I think you'll be absolutely fine.
And as others have said, strong relationships with others are a good thing. You are the child's first, most enduring idea of what a relationship should be. If that 'working model' is a good, secure one, they will have the confidence to expect the same of other adults, and hopefully will be rewarded.
To give you an eg of that, I have two adopted children. The one with much 'better' attachment is clear we are their no 1 secure base, but is a friend to the whole world. The one with more problematic attachment finds it very hard to build relationships and friendships outside the family. He hasn't had enough experience of loving trusting relationships to be confident about building them
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Obs2015 ·
26/10/2015 14:58
attachment
The above article is based on Helen Keller ( who I think is in the US), who I think was the specialist referred to in the Baby Bonds report.
I'm not sure I agree with most of the above articles list. Or it may not necessarily be attachment.
I suspect that some 'people' can see 'attachment disorders' everywhere/in most parents!! 
I really don't want to make this about special needs, what happened to me, but :
Oliver James, in his book 'Love Bombing' (not that Love bombing sounds bad, I mean who can argue with being given whatever you want as a bonding episode - I'd like to volunteer MYSELF for any Love Bombing on offer 
)
believe that autism is over diagnosed, and that its more attachment than anything else and suggests love bombing as a solution.
Mind you he condemns full time working mums saying they have damaged their children, so I find his view questionable.
But I do know many other health professionals that do seem to think that many professional's & HCP's focus too much on attachment.
That is my view too.
Or if it IS true, if it really is 40%, then this really is a MAJOR concern, because almost half of all parents are getting it fundamentally wrong.
Its either one or the other!! Neither is good, no matter how you look at it.
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