I'm going to go back to work. I'm a terrible mum. Can anyone explain how I organize a child minder/nursery and do I get any help towards the cost?

[michelleseashell]

Says it all in the title really!

I'm going to go back to work when my baby is nine months old. I'm clueless about help or who I should talk to about it.

I'm just a big old shitty mum. I don't know what to do with a baby.

Is nursery better or a child minder. What are the costs like?

Can anyone help me please?

[scottishmummy]

dear god woman,toughen up a bit.you are quite literally inviting the precious moments mamas and nursery detractors to bang on about attachment and biddulph

Cm and nursery
recommendations.seek out recommendations and experiences parents have had
look at search for cm and nursery

you need to have belief that your choice are safe and adequate

ask if they take childcare vouchers. many jobs offer theses as salary sacrifice

what are your free LA hours...depend on age child.call local council to query

do you want a cm near home or near work

work out hours you need and costs

[scottishmummy]

visit and call nurseries and cm
compare .varies by where you live
look at inspection reports
have a friend look too if you want another opinion

salary sacrifice- ask employer
nursery is not better than cm.depends on preference and costs. cm is cheaper

you need to be aware baby in nursery gets some folk all het up,and be able to deflect and ignore. dont be so damn hard on yourself. do you have a partner?can anyone help with drop off collection

need to be able to fit work around drop off and collect

you are being unnecessarily hard on yourself
plan days and drop off times
look into costs
salary sacrifice eg edenred

[scottishmummy]

working and child tax credits, there is an online eligibility questionnaire

and good luck

[michelleseashell]

I don't think I'm being hard on myself. Some people are good with kids and some aren't. I'm not! I wanted to stay home with him until he was 3 but I wake up every morning thinking oh fuck not another day of this! Can't be good for a baby to spend time with someone thinking things like that!

Should I speak to my hr department first or find a child minder and go from there?

[scottishmummy]

hr for salary sacrifice, and if you need work hours adjusted etc.do they have any discounted nursery scheme (some public sector do)

you need to locate your own nursery or cm,start on ofsted and local recommendations

do look in working tax credit eligibility

plan as soon ahead as possible to get cm or nursery place

and do be aware on mn,nursery/cm for baby is a contentious issue.someone will inevitability wade in and say youre a bad mother and all associated harm to baby.and how they'd never leave a baby...

[michelleseashell]

Thanks a lot scottishmummy, I will get on that today.

Don't worry, any comments like that won't touch the sides with me! I'm a rubbish mum and that's the end of it! :o

[scottishmummy]

bit of self belief and self worth goes a long way
get some self affirmation,be better to yourself

[Sam100]

Have a look at childcare.co.uk for your area and see what is available in terms of childminders or nurseries. Go and see at least 3 of each before you make your mind up on which to go for.

Check if your company offers childcare vouchers as part of your benefits - you pay for them out of gross income and get a tax and ni saving. Your partner should also check their company scheme.

I have used all forms of childcare over the years :

nurseries - great for social interaction but quality really depends on the staff. consider staff turnover if staff are not treated well and are happy then they will not stay long. A good nursery will treat its staff well and they will look after your child well! Based on my personal experience I think girls do better in nurseries than boys.

childminder - more like home - some great ones around and also some not so great. Find out what a typical day with a cm would be like - will they be doing school drop offs, pick ups ? What palygroups do they go to.

Also you could consider nanny share - see if anybody in your area looking to share a nanny?

[Sam100]

Also michelleseashell be aware that this is the hard bit you are going through at the moment. I adore my kids but never really "enjoyed" the baby bit - it was bloody hard work and I felt emotionally drained. But at 9 months they start to really develop personality and start interacting - this is actually one of my favourite times of childhood from 9 months to about 2.5 years.

Have a think about what you don't like about being at home. I am sure you are not a shitty mum! Is it lack of adult interaction? Is it the fact that during the day you are solely responsible for this human being? Is it being away from your old job that you miss and the sense of identity that that gives you? These are all valid thoughts and I have experienced them too!

So don't be hard on yourself. Going back to work is something that you should do if it is right for you and your family either for your self fulfilment or financial necessity. What works for other people is not necessarily right for you and "family" is not a one size, fits all set up.

[michelleseashell]

Yes to top it all off there is a definite money issue. I COULD stay home and have just enough money for rent, bills and food but nothing else.
It's all the points you mention sam100. I find being stuck at home a mind numbing ball ache. Today I sat and stared at the wall for half an hour. I'm normally quite a lively, jokey person but these past months have left me feeling like a radio tuned to static. I think happy mum, happy baby. If that means I go to work three or four days a week and then can enjoy my time with the baby the rest of the time then working can't be such a bad thing.

[scottishmummy]

if you want to return to work.do so
you need to find your own balance.what works for you

[musicmaiden]

Being bored with a baby doesn't mean you a bad mother AT ALL. Given you are presumably keeping your DC clean, fed and warm, and talking/playing/engaging with him/her when you can, that really is all you need to do at that age.

I was going slightly mental at the end of my mat leave too, and found the baby stage v hard.I am MUCH happier working a 4-day week, and DS loves his nursery. Consequently on my weekday off and weekends we have a much more special time together when I'm happy to focus on him and his fun. Anyone who wants to judge can frankly bite me :)

[michelleseashell]

That's exactly it musicmaiden.

My husband comes home from work and he moans because he got stuck in a traffic jam on the way home and I'm thinking oh I'd love to get stuck in a traffic jam, that sounds amazing!

You know something's got to change when you wish you were stuck in traffic.

[Northernlurker]

You are not a terrible mum. You are a mum who wants to go back to work. There are quite a lot of us out there and we don't tend to raise orcs.

Go and look at some settings and see what clicks with you. Follow your gut instinct on this and develop a very tough skin against what other folks may suggest.

[CharlotteBronteSaurus]

i went back to work part time this week - dd2 is 9mo
honestly, it's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. the best bit has been really, really enjoying my two non-work days, rather than waking up thinking "oh christ, how on earth can we fill 12 hours today?".

[Katisha]

I went back to work first time when DS1 was a year (too knackered to go any earlier) and when DS2 was 7 months.
I used a childminder for best part of a decade. Worked really well.
But depends on your logistics.

[TheOldestCat]

You are NOT a bad mum just because you don't want to stay at home.

Not much practical advice to add to the great stuff here. We used a nursery initially for DD and now a childminder for DS. Pros and cons, but essentially it depends on which suits your circumstances and do you like and trust the staff of either.

Good luck.

[michelleseashell]

Thanks everyone. Was really expecting a token comment about not trying hard enough so your responses are lovely.

Yes it is a 'how can I possibly fill twelve hours' thing every day. It's got to the point where I feel really resentful which then makes me feel awful and a bad mum.

I'm veering on the side of a child minder. It's probably easier to sound out one person than an entire nursery staff. Is a child minder the cheaper option?

[Katisha]

I found it to be the cheaper option certainly.
I also liked the home from home atmosphere and the fact that the DSs could form a bond with one person in particular. And that there was a little "family" of other children of different ages there.
Also, Ifeel, a childminder has more flexibility if say, your train is late for some reason.

[Bet01]

Hello OP I have no advice but wanted to say I completely agree with everything you've said. I dread DP going to work and I struggle to fill the 12 hours. I spend most of it pacing the streets with DS in a sling (he hates buggies) with my brain in neutral. I'm so jealous of people who get to go for a pint after work, or a coffee by themselves. I guess it's just more of a massive change than I thought it'd be. Silly me!

[scottishmummy]

majority of mums work,a work-baby balance is necessary imo for sanity and feeling adult and not sucked into mummyness

[michelleseashell]

Bet01 it's such a relief to read your post! You could be describing my day. Do you get home and realise the only conversation you've had all day is with a shop assistant about how comfy your baby looks?

I just can't do it. I have friends who somehow manage to be supermum with a limitless enthusiasm for activities but I feel dead inside. I manage about an hour of being a fun mum and then I just put on cbeebies and tell my baby about how much the presenters piss me off. Then as soon as I get a chance, I'm in the garden smoking a cigarette to take the edge off how frustrating my day is. Really, I'm the worst mum.

[madwomanintheattic]

it ain't a competition. but if you keep banging on about how crap you are, someone is going to suggest popping off to the gps for some ad's or at the very least getting checked out for pnd.

looking after tiny babies is a mind numbing experience. if you want to work, work. i've used cms, nurseries and nannies, each have their own pros and cons. if you want someone to suggest counselling, keep on about how rubbish you are.

google is your friend. there are zillions of nurseries and childminders to be found on a search engine near you. call, visit, sign the contract, pay the bills. easy peasy.

[scottishmummy]

michelle you need to lose the worst mum label,you know what will make you feel better is working.so get back to work. being a housewife isnt a laughter filled cath kidston ad.so dont beat yourself up about it.plan your childcare and return to work

[scottishmummy]

indeed you keep berating self and someone will say
pnd
depression
and recommend stay at home and breastfeeding til baby 7yo