Anyone with Just the one..................

[Slink]

Having been trying for three years dh and i are coming around to the idea of just having one dd is 4.

Problem: will she not feel lonely???
Is it better to have siblings????
We have said we will see by the end of the year but not bothered really???

[NomDePlume]

There are pros and cons to having an only, just as there are with having more than one. FWIW, i find the idea that onlies are destined to become selfish & spoilt children/adults completely abhorrent and totally incorrect !

[ninah]

totally agree, there are pros and cons both way
I am on no 2 and worried ds1 will feel pushed out
As long as you love your dd that's all that matters!

[Easy]

Slink

Ds is an only one (well MUCH older half siblings, who don't live with us), and was intended to be. I am aware that we need to entertain little friends a bit more often in school holidays, and I make an effort to play with him more than I might if I'd had another, but he does get more attention from us than he would if I'd had another baby.

What is, is. I think if you had another, you'd worry about dd being left out (and they might not get on anyway).

Just enjoy her.

[footprint]

I am an only child, and survived!!
Sometimes I was lonely, yes, but my parents made sure I had friends round and we took friends on holiday etc,.

I hope I am not too spoilt and obnoxious....
I think it's made me very self reliant.

I only have one child atm, and although I would like ot have more, I wouldn't be devastated to only have one.

[Iklboo]

I'm an only child too. I had lots of friends, but also had 'space' when I wanted it. I'm also very self-reliant and it helped me cope with living on my own. In no way was I spoiled - big presents at birthdays & Xmas only.

[gothicmama]

slink we are in exactly the same boat dd is 4 adn no sign of another

[Lasvegas]

Have 1 DD aged 2.5. DP is having snip end of month. We both work full time and I don't feel DD gets enough attention as it is, so made decission to only have 1. If I had 2 I would be very stressed and suspect I couldn't cope physicaly, financially or emotionally. But I always wanted a girl so if I had has son I wonder whether we would try for a DD.

[bootsmonkey]

It looks like we will stick at one too - DD is just 3yo and DH is dead set against another. I am broody as hell, but am also very happy with the status quo at the moment. I work, we are getting some sleep and a small social life back together (if we can be bothered!) and all that would go by-the-by if we had another. DD is a very happy child, and although a sibling would be great for her in many ways, in many ways it wouldn't. I do not find motherhood comes naturally, and I really wonder how I would cope with another! Still can't kick those hormones into touch tho!

She is going through a mothering phase at the mo. and all her toys are babies. Even caught her pretending to breastfeed (!) and I am torn between the pros and cons of it all. I do not believe that an only child = a spoilt child!

The one thing I keep coming back to is not so much a 'friend' for her as she is growing up as that is fairly easily remedied with playdates etc., but more in later life, when she is older and we are the decrepit aged Ps that we will become. I have two brothers and can't imagine life without them now.

Will watch this thread with interest.

[Eowyn]

my dd is 5 & we've never wanted any more (tho worry/feel guilty plenty of the time too). every so often I've asked her if she minds not having brothers/sisters & she's always been totally unbothered, except now her best friend has a baby brother & out of the blue she's demanding I have one. if she'd been keen a few years ago I might have considered it but not now, life is just beginning to be a bit more normal, can't bear the thought of sleepless nights again.
I don't think they are necessarily lonely as it's normal for them, just means the parents have to play a lot more than they might.

[bootsmonkey]

I think the distinction between doing it for your child and doing it for yourself is what it often comes down to.

Some people take the longer view, whilst some (like me) can only see the short term upheaval that another baby would cause. I said from the beginning that DD would be an only and it is only the tugging of my hormones that is making me sway one week out of the month. Every month. Perhaps they are trying to wear me down??

Still DH would never go for another, so it is irrelevant!

[bootsmonkey]

Kama - you're right - there is absolutely no guarantee that they will get on as siblings. It is yet another gamble....

[otto]

My stepdaughter was an only child up until last year when ds was born. As she is only with us part-time she is still the only one for most of the time. She is confident, smart and well-adjusted. She also relates very well to adults as she has spent alot of time with them. She is now 10, but when she was younger she was very demanding and needed alot of attention. She also finds it hard to mix with other children at times, but this could be as much personality as the fact that she's used to being on her own. She loves seeing ds, but does find having a sibling annoying and prefers to be on her own.

I have a sister and we've never been close, not even when we were young. So there's no guarantee that having a sibling means that a child will automatically have a friend.

[bootsmonkey]

Unfortunately I do not have time on my side - I am 37 this year and DH is 48. If we were both 10 years younger, I think we probably would have another.....

[jamiesam]

Boots

For what it's worth, I'd say it's EASIER not to spoil two children simply because you have to make then wait for stuff, share toys, take it in turns etc. I mean it sort of makes a little bit of the parenting easier because you can't spoil one when the other is also demanding your attention. (I guess that's just a version of saying that no.1 has to grow up faster when no.2 arrives.) But I also mean that if you're a good parent you can do this without the help of a second child!

I get your point about sibling support for looking after aged Ps, but I wonder how much of the time, it's still one child who takes on most of the responsibility and siblings more likely to provide moral rather than practical support.

[bootsmonkey]

The guilt, the guilt. Your dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. And that covers EVERYTHING from 1 day old to possibly after they leave home!

[ninah]

It is all unknown. I decided to go ahead, very much with the later on in life scenario in mind. My mother died last year and it made me very aware I will not always be there for ds. On the other hand I am aware that it isn't guaranteed siblings will be supportive, and I do worry if the special bond I have with ds now will survive a baby ...
Pros and cons. I do agree with kama when she says having no 1 or no 5, it is always a BIG decision ...

[bootsmonkey]

jamiesam - I absolutely agree - there are no guarantees about anything, so what it boils down to is your gut feel as an individual and a family unit. There are no hard and fast rules as each family and its component members are so completely different. I am 50/50 about having another (although this varies according to my cycle!) but I know that DH is dead against it. I need his help and support and there is no way I could do it on my own (obviously). Therefore we will stick at the one and do the best we can to bring up a happy, secure child in a loving environment.

[DissLocated]

I'm an only child and can honestly say that as a kid it never bothered me. I have a big extended family, lots of cousins, lots of neighbours kids to play with when I was small.

I've only really had problems as an adult, I now live 250 miles away from my parents and since I had dd they have become quite smothering and clingy which I'm finding hard to deal with.

J - good point about one child taking responsibility. My Mum is one of 5, my Dad one of 4, in both families 1 or 2 siblings has taken most of the responsibility for looking after aging parents.

[bootsmonkey]

ninah - I'm sorry to hear about your mother. A death in the family always focuses the mind somewhat - my DD came about after the death of someone close, and I always felt sorry that they would never meet.

I too worry how a new sibling would affect my relationship with my DD (and DH)

[ninah]

hey bootsmonkey I am 37 and dp is 47! you are making me feel reckless now ...
dp was talking about 'getting a bungalow' the other day as he 'wouldn't be able to cope with stairs soon' a lot of an exaggeration, but he does work hard and get so tired. He always wanted a few children but I think he's a bit anxious about £ (nothing new there tho)
I am fully up for it!