my life is falling apart.

[Trillian]

Ok so here it is, i am stupid i am heartbroken and i have hurt the people i love and who love me.
I guess anyone reading this will think i deserve everything i have brought on myself, but i am hoping that someone might have some advice.

So my life and how i wrecked it.
I am married with two lovely kids, i met my husband when i was very young and we were each others frist loves. It was never fireworks we just drifted along and despiite being young and having interfering familys on both sides we got engaged, married and had two kids. We have never had alot of money but we got by, husband is very laid back and thats good as i am very manic and get worked up over the small things and worry alot.
For a while now i have known that although i love my husband i am not "in love" with him, we don't really talk we never go out and he sat on the computer and i went to bed early.
I have never been sex mad and we differ greatly in our sex drives and after so long together the passion is not there [if it ever really was to start with]. But he is a very good person and he keeps me safe and grounded and lets me go out with friends and trusts me.

One friend who i have known for a few years now and who is really more like part of the family, i just clicked with and we got on better and better, we could talk all night and we made each other laugh and we went out to places together as we shear intrests that my husband and i dont.
I do'nt know when it changed, well yes i do one day last year we were all having a great day just messing about and he looked at me and i looked at him and it was like a explosion inside of me that i did not understand at the time, but now i know it was a part of me waking up to the fact that i had feelings for this man that i should not have.
He is 8 years younger than me and has never been in a relationship and he is funny and smart and makes me feel alive and tells me how wonderful i am and how much he loves me.
We had the perfect friendship and i had to be stupid and let him fall in love with me and i fell for him, big time,
He ask if i would ever leave my husband and i said no, then i started to think that maybe i could, but after 20 years together how do you take away someones life, family and everything you have together.
It got more and more painful and i made him so sad and i just mopped about, thinking of him at home and wishing i was there.
So i told my husband that i thought i wanted to leave but not why, he was very laid back and said that whatever the problem was we could work it out.
I carried on in my own personal hell for a few more weeks now really giving anyone any of me, my husband and i still just wondered round each other and the kids [who i love more then life itself] just got on with what ever kidsdo and when i spoke to the other person it was always painfull and ende in tears as he says he loves me so muchit is killing him not to be with me.
So i told my husband why i wanted to leave and explained that i had feelings for someone else and who. Husband was as always very good about it said we could not help how we felt about eachother and that it was just infactuation and i was living in a fantacy world as this other person really dose not know the real me and would not put up with me if he did.
And i am in HELL as i do love my husband and don't want to hurt him, but i am in love with someone else. Despite the fact that he is younger then me and never been in love before and would have me and two kids to contend with on a 24/7 basis and i dont know if he could as his work is very stressfull and i would never be able to give him a child of his own this man wants me. I am so scared though as i need someone who is strong and i dont want to hurt my husband and i am scared if i did leave i would not be what the other guy wants and i would end up replaced by a younger thinner babymaking person at some point, but i know if i don't go i will always wonder what if and i know if i do go i will break my husbands heart and i just want to die at the moment.
I know it is stupid but i guess i want my husbands blessing and i know thats selfish. He is trying so hard to be understanding and asks how he can put it right but he has done nothing wrong, i just am not good enough for him and i am not sure i am really what the other guy wants as this is the first time he has fallen in love and i worry i am a novalty to him as i have opened up a whole new world to him . All i know is i never thought i could feel pain like this and i never wanted to bring pain to my husband who has never been anything but supportive and loved me no matter what, and i never wanted to bring pain to the other personas he is a lovely, sensertive person who trusted me with his hopes dreams and fears and gave me his heart.
Well i guess ou think i am an evil cow and maybe i am but i never wanted to be.

[koalabear]

I'm always on the side of the marriage - give your marriage a go first - it is what you promised to do all those years ago - go for a holiday with your husband, just you and him - go for counselling and learn how to rebuild your intamcy - try first, and only then, when you have tried to save what you have invested so much time in, if you both decide that it is not working, then end it

But, IMO, don't step from one relationship to another - of course the other one will look better - it always does, that's why people have affairs - but if you do leave your husband for this other man, you are not leaving yourself any time to work out who you are and what you really want - it's not fair on you, and it's not fair on your family

Work on your marriage
If that doesn't work out, step away, sort out the mess
THEN, when you are in a stable place, look at a further relationship

[QueenEagle]

Excellent and very sensible advice from koalabear.

I would only add that if you do decide to make a go of things with your dh, then first end it with this other man. If he's still on the scene it will cloud your judgment.

[Donbean]

Dont know what to say to you but didnt want this to go without at least one message, i hope every thing works out for you hun.
Do you have any one to talk to at all? It sounds like you could do with a shoulder to support you thats all.x

[Trillian]

Thank you all for input. Donbean i dont really have anyone to talk to as its always been me and dh and my best friend is the other man and my sister is very sick at the moment but she knows about it and said do what maks me happy, i dont know what to do as what would make me happy would distroy the life of my dh and break up a family but at the moment no one is happy.
I even thought of killing myself then at least i could not hurt anyone else. But i have two lovely children. I can't live without my beat friend i know that and i dont want to hurt anyone and i wish i was not so weak and i wish i could stop bloody crying.

[anorak]

Yes she does have someone to talk to donbean!!

All the same I think she'd really value talking it out with a few different people here.

Trillian - the big question on my mind is - if the other person were not in the picture, would you still be thinking of leaving?

[koalabear]

Trillian - you say that you know the other man will make you happy - but do you really KNOW that?

There are some great counselling courses that really can bring some intamacy and love back into your marriage - maybe if you give your husband a go, if you let him, he might be able to make you happy

Good luck to you

[Trillian]

Hello Anorak, guess you hate me now.
I would still be thinking of leaving without the other person yes.
I was unhappy before he came in to it but i was afraid to say so i just went from one day to another and got on with things,i know i never wanted to hurt DH and i thought i could make it all ok and thet if i admitted to myself i was unhappy it was letting down all i worked for.

But i really don't want to spend the rest of my life making do nd trying to be happy, and god knows i should be happy as i have so much to be thankful for but i am not happy.
And now i have made the people i love most in the world unhappy too. I hate myself.

[mummytosteven]

have quickly read this.

I agree with Anorak - if you left your husband, and then a year down the line, you were no longer with the other man, how would you feel? Would you feel relieved at being away from your husband? Or gutted? kids and the boring practicalities of everyday life (cleaning the bathroom/sorting out dirty laundry) can very quickly kill the romance) - i.e. would you end up in the same position with another guy a few years down the line?

The thing I am picking up from your post is low self-esteem - i.e. that you are connecting whether a relationship works with whether you are "good enough" for someone; but life (and other) people are a lot more complex and unpredictable than this. I think that if you want to leave, you have to be prepared to manage on your own; and if it works with this other guy, all well and good; you have to be in position where you won't be devastated at having to manage on your own.

Before you think of leaving, I think you do need to think through how you would cope on your own; and of course how best to reduce stress for your children, whatever you decided to. Would you think of goign to something like Relate - they do help people by themselves, not just couples - that could help you clarify your thoughts?

[anorak]

Why do you think killing yourself wouldn't hurt anyone? I can't think of anything that would hurt them more. And it would hurt me too.

[dinosaur]

Confused now - why should anorak hate you?

[mummytosteven]

never mind my comments about low self-esteem, you are sounding depressed, and like you could do with talking to your GP. thinking that you are worthless/people wouldn't miss you if you killed yourself is the sort of thinking people do when they are very depressed.

[anorak]

dinosaur, Trillian and I know each other well.

Trillian, of course I don't hate you, I love you and this isn't going to change that. I'm here for you, don't ever doubt it. I could never take sides between you and your dh. I love you both the same.

[dinosaur]

Trillian I've met anorak and she's lovely - you're lucky to have such a good mate there.

[anorak]

aw thanks dinosaur, not sure why you think so, maybe you don't know me well enough

[Trillian]

I would be useless on my own i know that i have never been on my own met Dh when i was 14.
I am 34 now.
I have always felt as if i was missing something, looking for something and i don't know what.
DH is not one to ware his heart on his sleve and only says he loves me if i say it first and i guess we just got too comfitable with each other to make an effort.
I like getting emails and txts from my friend and long sexy phone calls and just being able to be with someone who looks at me like i am the most special thing in the world when we go out we never stoppped laughting and he wants to hold my hand put his are round me kiss my hair, things i have never had before and i like. I have never felt so alive when someone touches me as when he holds my hand or puts his arm round my shoulder.
If i was with him though and it did not work out i would never forgive myself for breaking up a family for nothing, but i would hate it if the situation was the other way round and DH stayed with me for fear of being alone. i do still love my DH but not how i should.

[koalabear]

Trillian - in the nicest possible way, I think it would be good for you if you were to talk to a counseller yourself - it seems as if you are dealing with some feelings inside yourself, and thinking the answer is a new man - I won't post on this thread again, because I don't think you want to hear what I am saying - but please, for your own sake, find happiness in yourself before you look to find it in someone else - otherwise, you put much pressure on any new relationship

[anorak]

I think koalabear has a very good point.

[Trillian]

Thanks anorak sorry to put you in this i thought you might not pick up on this post.
I do love DH but things are not right, please dont think i have not tryed to make everything work.
I am tired now so very tired and you know every1 in this and you know the other person is a nice person and he did not look for this any more then i did.
I am so alone even when i have everyone with me.
I am so unhappy and i have made everyone else sso unhappy and i am so sorry.

[anorak]

Yes Trillian but even if at the end of counselling you still decided that to leave would be the right thing to do, there are issues within you that need addressing and it can only be of benefit to you not just in making this decision but for your whole life.

[Trillian]

Guess i have always had low self worth, put up alot of barriers and wondered why anyone would love me. I have a god given gift of turning anything i have to sh*t as i feel not worthy of anything good and i spent so long building up a safe untouchable confident person that i forgot who i was, i am not who i am ment to be and i dont know who that is all i know is DH has always loved me and made me strong and safe and i am who i am because of his love, i have always said he compleats me but i now know the other person inproves me and sees who i want to be and what i can become. I need to find out who i really am. But i can't baer the thought of not having my friend and i dont want to hurt DH by taking away his life and family and i am in hell and it is killing me and the two men involved

[koalabear]

Click here

[Trillian]

Thank you koarlabear.

[Trillian]

i know my DH would never go to relate as i did ask him about it b4, he is not the sort to talk about things and i think it would make it worse for him.
I don't know how this is evergoing to be made better. I can't live with the hurt i have corsed and i can't undo any of it and i can't help how i feel.

[koalabear]

Yes, but Trillian - this is about you - YOU can ring them and talk to them about YOUR choices

[anorak]

Perhaps DH will go to counselling if he realises how serious the situation is.

If not, as koalabear says - you can go along alone. They will counsel you for you on your own.