6 year old's hair cut by playmate

[nannyme]

Took my three to play with a new friend (contact made via Home Ed support group) and her two children on Thursday and have just discovered that my daughter has had substantial amounts of her hair cut off.

I didn't bath my kids on Friday so was only aware that her hair looked sort of different (it is very thick and wavy) but couldn't work out why . On closer inspection this morning, I see that all of the front sections on each side are cut to at least half their length!

Now that I am aware of it I can't help noticing it. I am so upset that this has happened and asked Hermione why she didn't say anything to me. She said she didn't want the girl to do it but she felt she couldn't say no. Said child is v. domineering (according to her mother too) but has ironically been taken out of school because she was bullied.

I had thought that this family were lovely and made good playmates as they have two children the same ages as two of mine. However, the youngest son of this family keeps punching my two year old and making him cry.

What do I do? The mother is lovely, although I am a little unsure of her parenting techniques (tends to take a I'm the boss shouty approach) and the dad is quiet and amiable. Mother is French and talks to her children in French most of the time when we are there which makes it difficult to work cohesively as parents when all our kids are together, but I understand the majority of what is said.

I am rambling now but would be grateful for any opinions on what to do about this.

I was going to phone or email and start with "this has happened, I'm upset that it has". What do you think?

[Earlybird]

My goodness, that's upsetting. How old is your dd? How old is the other child who did the haircutting?

[Earlybird]

Sorry I see that you answered the question in the subject line. I don't know what I would do....

[nannyme]

My daughter is 6 but young for her age really. The other child is also 6 and in fact there are 3 days between them in terms of birthdate but gulfs in terms of maturity/streetwiseness!

[expatinscotland]

yikes! i'd be unhappy. my elder daughter has glorious hair!

i think maybe i'd speak to the mother about this first.

[Marne]

It will grow back, my brother cut off my hair when i was 5, i had hair down to my bum and he cut it all off, i can still remember my mum crying.

I would phone the childs mother and let her know what has happened.

[nannyme]

I did wonder whether most parents would be more laid back about it and I wether I perhaps am being over sentimental about the loss of her lovely hair.

I can be precious about things but I still feel that this was wrong and that the other child must have known it was wrong at 6 years old.

Big questions are how to approach (words/tone) in making contact with her mother and also whether this is a playdate situation we should steer clear of.

Of course it is easier to find a playmate who is easier to cope with but maybe that will teach neither my chidren or the other child anything about dealing with this sort of thing.

Gosh, I don't know!

[MamaG]

Thats a tough one. I don't think you are overreacting and I would certainly contact the other mum with "this has happened, I'm upset" in the first instance - if you do that, end up falling out and don't have these people in your life any more, you have ended up wiht hte same result as you would have if you just cut them off (scuse the pun).

As you said, nobody learns anything if you just stop seeing them, but if her child continues to punch your DS, you need to protect him and keep them apart. Im more at the 2 year old getting punched than the hair!

[Filyjonk]

I think these things seem happen, especially when a child is working through leaving school.

That does not make it ok. Sounds like your daughter is not comfortable standing up for herself there.

And at your ds being punched.

I am also HEing and I know how hard it is to find friends, but really think you must think twice before leaving your kids with others who will hurt them.Not saying its the kids or family's fault-my ds is 2 and has only recently stopped randomly attacking others-but your kids have a right to be protected.

Just as if you went to a friend's house and they attacked your dh and cut off his hair, you would think twice about going back!

[tigermoth]

I think you should talk face to face with the mother,or if not possible,then phone. IMO don't email unless you really have to.

I think it's the sort of thing best explained face to face or talked through, not written down. You want to explain properly how you feel and how your daughter feels and also hear what the other mother has to say (and see her reactions). Also, if there is a slight language barrier, talking will hopefully overcome this.

I don't think this incident (or the punching) is you cue to end a promising friendship - hopefully the mother will be on your wavelength when you talk to her and you can work out what you do next.

[edam]

Is it possible your dd actually did it herself but is covering up? Can't forget Spidermama's thread where her dd was very insistent that someone at school had cut her hair ... only for SM to find a big chunk of hair under the dining table.

Anyway, sounds like this family don't make great playmates.

[nannyme]

Indeed edam, this had crossed my mind. However, she didn't do that thing that she does when she is fibbing so I think she is telling the truth. Additionally, she had lots and lots of clips in her hair most of the afternoon from when the other child had been 'doing' her hair earlier so it looks likely that it was the other girl.

Hermione is very protective of her appearance and refused my suggestion of trimming the remaining hair to even it up so I doubt she would cut of her own beloved locks, but who knows...

[nannyme]

Had a response from parent today. I had texted to say I'd like to speak to her about hair cutting incident when convenient as no response to calls, and also invited her kids and her round for tea in the sunshine in the same text.

Her response (without any discussion about it all) in an email along with a link about something (so kind touch there) was my dd has lots missing too!

On first asking my dd looked intransigent and confused simultaneously when I said "did * cut her hair too?" and said no she didn't.

That was last word on it from other mother. I feel that the issue remains unaddressed. What next or do I just leave it?

[Passionflower]

My DD's 1 & 2 (aged 5 and 4 ) cut their own hair recently (they found a pair of sissors upstairs and in the words of DD1 wanted to give it a try). Like you I didn't notice till a couple of days later when I discovered a pile of hair under my bed. I was bloody angry with them, they both have gorgeous long hair (DD2 now has a bit at the front that sticks straight up). But I think that this is the sort of thing that happens at around this age and there isn't much you can do apart from giving them a rollicking about it after the event. I think you have done all you can by telling the mother, personally I would leave it at this point unless you really are convinced that your DD was bullied into it.

The hair will grow back .

[SoupDragon]

It happens. It will grow back.

[nannyme]

Thanks PF, especially for hair groeing back reassurance! Every time I brush her hair it upsets me. Silly me. I am possibly babying dd a little but the thought of her being forced to do something she didn't want to and would never normally do makes me very sad and frustrated.

The mother's response, whilst not extreme, typifies her super (as in too much) laid back approach to things. She says and does nothing and then yells at the children when they do wrong.

My dd's hair is a real mess and won't go into a ponytail or bunches now :(

I will leave it now I think but cut back on teh palydates/supervise stringently.

[Bink]

I'd be a bit more worried about the easy unsupervised access to scissors sharp enough to cut chunks of hair, than the hair itself. I think that's how I'd deal going forward if it were my dd - I'd tell her that playing with scissors without an adult isn't allowed, and that if anyone wants to do that she's to come and find me. Nothing about hair-cutting specifically.

Re this event & the mother's response, you have been given the brush-off somewhat, but I wouldn't take it further. If it's a family you can manage without for a bit, I'd do that.

[nannyme]

I do know that growing is not splet groeing btw! yikes!!!

Agreed soupdragon.
Bink. I feel exactly the same about the scissors specifically but have a feeling that I will be mocked for my over protectiveness [tut]

[spidermama]

I have to say there are lots of kids in the school playground sporting primary school style haircuts they've done themselves or friends have done. The head and I had a laugh about it one day pointing them all out.

I'd also have to tell my cautionary tale which may or may not be helpful to you nannyme.

My dd who is 7 came home with a large chunk cut out of her hair at the top. When questioned she said a reception boy had scissors in the playground and cut her hair. I went in to tell the school who responded rapidly and thouroughly attempting identity parades and lecturing all the kids on the dangers of scissors.

Meanwhile, back at home, guess what I found while hoovering under the table? A chunk of hair.

Sometimes kids tell you stuff which isn't entirely accurate so you won't be angry with them.

[spidermama]

LOL edam. I see you've beaten me to it and recounted my shame/

[nannyme]

Did you confess though SM??!

I would say this of course, but I truly believe she is telling the truth. She lies about enough things badly to know!

I will never know but both girls need to be spoken to by us the parents imo and doesn't look like this will happen, or that other child's mother will consider the wisdom in allowing access to sharp scissors unsupervised.

Ho Hum...

[mousiemousie]

Take dd for a nice smart haircut to make this into a positive

[spidermama]

I did confess nanny, to my dd's horror. The teacher and I actually had a laugh about it in the end, but it was very embarrassing.

[Passionflower]

Totally agree about the dangers of sissors, DD's had used my great big fabric shears, so long since I have used my sewing box I'd forgotten they were there. When I realised what they had done they were told in no uncertain terms that they were lucky I had only found their hair under my bed and not their fingers.

nannyme, it is totally understandable that you are upset, I was incandescent at the time.

[SoupDragon]

You can cut shorts (and I presume hair) with Baker Ross children's scissors so they needn't have been huge shears or anything.

[nooka]

My two did this a couple of years ago. ds had always been quite keen on pretending to cut dd's hair with a variety of interesting kitchen implements (particularly the garlic crusher) so it wasn't something that dh or I paid much attention to until I found a hank of loose hair hanging out of dd's pony tail. I was very cross with dh for not noticing, and sad about dd's bald patch, but it did grow out and they haven't done it again since. Little girls do enjoy the playing with the hair thing, and maybe the other girl got a bit carried away, and your dd went along with it/didn't really take it in that she was actually cutting it? It doesn't necessarily mean that there was bullying going on IYSWIM. However if the other mum's parenting style is so different from yours there is bound to be friction, so this may not be the best family to spend too much time with!