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All the things you shouldn't say

(66 Posts)
MissBel12 Wed 19-Apr-17 12:34:52

Just thought I'd start this thread to note all the things that people keep saying, but actually upset and anger me. I know they mean well, so I'm going to get my frustration out here instead. Feel free to join me and add to the list confused

1. Maybe it was meant to be
2. At least you know you can get pregnant
3. For anyone who has kids: at least you've already got "insert number here" kids
4. It's very common
5. At least it happened early on
6. At least you're not too old to try again (yet)

There's loads more, but a good rule of thumb when someone's baby dies is that there is no "at least"sad

ScarletSienna Wed 19-Apr-17 12:36:57

At least there's still one left (miscarried a twin)

Plus any sort of top trump behaviour intended to minimise my grief.

vintagegirl77 Wed 19-Apr-17 12:45:49

"My boyfriend always says it's just natures way of being kind as there was obviously something wrong with the baby."

This is what a pregnant Mum at the school gate said to me just after I lost my daughter at 20 weeks. It hurt. There was nothing wrong with my baby and I lost her due to an undiagnosed thyroid problem.

DancingUnicorn Wed 19-Apr-17 13:16:38

'Oo, you're trying for babies! How exciting!'

Misssmoo Wed 19-Apr-17 13:34:06

Well it wasnt really a proper baby....I felt like punching their teeth out x

DancingUnicorn Wed 19-Apr-17 13:40:18

Missmoo NO!!!

Neverknowing Wed 19-Apr-17 13:42:36

Op could you maybe help with some things that are okay to say? My friend lost her baby at 30 weeks recently and I don't know what to say, she probably senses I'm treading on eggshells and that's probably making everything worse sad
I haven't seen her properly yet as I don't want to take my baby to see her as I think that would be insensitive.

jensner Wed 19-Apr-17 13:43:54

A friend of mine was told by a family member when her DD was stillborn that she hadn't lost a baby, just the idea of a baby. shock

DancingUnicorn Wed 19-Apr-17 13:56:06

Never I can't even imagine such a late loss. My favourite reaction, of the people I've told outloud ( none of whom knew I was pregnant) was a guy who literally said nothing and just hugged me.

The right thing to say to me changes daily, but contact is important, and I appreciate people initiating it, even if I can't reply right away. Just being, knowing she will not be ok, but being there with her. I'm sorry for your friend's loss.

DancingUnicorn Wed 19-Apr-17 13:56:49

Also, I think it's ok to admit you don't know what to say.

Deploycharitygoats Wed 19-Apr-17 14:02:15

It was more of a heavy period, though, right? You can't see anything at that stage.

Fuck. Off. It wasn't and I fucking could.

Misssmoo Wed 19-Apr-17 14:04:03

Yeah I had that dancing because I was 12 + weeks but baby died at 8 was told well it wasn't really a proper baby was it....Jens that's disgusting your poor friend it is and always will be her baby whether they are here or not xx

Highmaintenancefemalestuff Wed 19-Apr-17 14:13:17

'Everything happens for a reason'

CwtchMeQuick Wed 19-Apr-17 14:21:53

From SIL to my OH 'I can't believe she's making such a big deal out of her monthly cycle' hmm I was in hospital with a suspected ectopic.

Also had 'there was probably something wrong with the baby' nope, there's something wrong with me.

And from my best friend 'just forget about it, if you hadn't done a test you'd have never known anyway'.

I think it's okay to admit you don't know what to say, and it's okay to say I'm so sorry and how awful. It's not okay to try to make it a positive, e.g. 'Everything happens for a reason' and it's definitely not okay to minimise what someone is going through. Losing a baby is hell, no matter the gestation, age or cause.

fizzicles Wed 19-Apr-17 14:34:02

People can't handle your grief/pain. I know they (mostly) mean well, but it can be fucking awful.

What should you say? That you're sorry, that it must hurt so fucking much, that it's ok to be sad…

JCleRoux Wed 19-Apr-17 14:35:44

One person told me 'at least you have one already'. I have one DS. I looked at her like shock. What does that mean?

A simple 'I am so sorry for what you're going through' would be more than welcome.

MissBel12 Wed 19-Apr-17 14:39:27

@Neverknowing - you're right, and I've been on the other end of it, and I'm sure I put my foot in it too without realising. I think most people mean no harm, and are really just trying to help, so I have to just remind myself of that and not take it literally.

Although when i was told jokingly that maybe i should 'close my legs and put them in the air", I don't think i could possibly find anything good from that comment. angry

Some good things to say in my opinion are:
1. I'm so sorry for your loss (a friend said that to me and i was taken aback in a good way, as I was like, yes it is a loss in the same way as any bereavement, so that was really nice)
2. I'm here for you
3. I can't imagine how you're feeling, and i don't know what to say except I'm sorry
4. It's so unfair and I wish I could do something to help you
5. A big hug and a rub on the back

Best of luck with your friend, as it sounds like you really care and are trying to be there for her which is brilliant

Ikillallplants Wed 19-Apr-17 14:41:32

I would think that "I am sorry for your loss, if you need someone to just listen you know where I am" is a good thing to say. Also asking if there is anything practical you can do to help.

k1yx Wed 19-Apr-17 14:44:33

The hardest for me was "it'll happen for you eventually", when they knew I had had multiple miscarriages and the chance was getting slimmer and slimmer.

The best response was "I'm so sorry to hear that. Let me know if I can do anything to help", and later "how are you feeling?", which showed that realised that it wasn't something I wasn't going to get over immediately.

BeanSprout79 Wed 19-Apr-17 14:57:17

When I had my mmc I got asked 'how did you get rid of it.' I didn't know what to say to that.

KoolKoala07 Wed 19-Apr-17 15:07:19

I found out yesterday that I've had a mmc sad and my friend just said 'oh koala I'm sorry, I wish I knew what to say' and that was enough to me and I appreciate her words. I'm one though, who hates fuss because it upsets me more. So the less that know the better l.

fivefoottwowitheyesofblue Wed 19-Apr-17 16:10:50

Firstly I'm so sorry for anyone who has suffered such a loss.

I would like some advice please. A DF lost her baby at 20 weeks and we are now approaching her EDD. I want to acknowledge that date, but am struggling to know the best thing to say. I was thinking of '.....I know this weekend is going to be particularly hard for you. I am thinking of you and sending hugs'.

I don't want it to appear trite or patronising. Any ideas much welcomed.

QuizTeamaAguilera Wed 19-Apr-17 16:15:31

Also it's never nice to not say anything. I had a mmc last year, despite everyone we knew at least sending a text saying 'sorry to hear your sad news', DH's brothers obviously decided saying nothing was easier for them, and haven't really been in touch since. It's really sad as DH and his brothers were close before then, but just saying nothing was so shitty.

I also found a friend's messages annoying - a year to the day after it happened, she kept sending messages saying 'can't believe you were in hospital a year ago, how sad it was...' and then 'what a rough year you've had...' I was hmm as I was managing fine, then these messages kept popping up, it was like she wanted to keep reminding me of it! While it was of course extremely sad, we subsequently had a lot of lovely things happen - DH and I got new jobs, we've bought a new house, for a new cat, plus I'm pregnant again. I felt like she wanted me to be wallowing, rather than remembering in my own way.

QuizTeamaAguilera Wed 19-Apr-17 16:23:16

fivefoot so sorry to hear about your friend. Of course I can only speak for myself but I'd rather not have anyone say anything...I appreciated messages at the time it happened but then I just kind of wanted to leave it at that, and move on. Messages popping up on my due date would have just made me feel really sad, I'd have had to acknowledge them rather than trying to have a 'normal' day, which is what I found worked best for me.

It is so hard though, having gone through it I would still worry about saying something wrong to a friend if it happened to them flowers

Polly99 Wed 19-Apr-17 16:28:12

It's natures way.

It's very common.

You'll get your baby in the end.

This is why I've told my daughter to make sure she has her children in her 20s, so she is less likely to be in your position. (This last gem from the doctor who had just told me that my much-wanted baby had died at 10 weeks. I was 39 and knew the risks but when I started ttc in my 20s I did not think my family would still be incomplete when I was 39).

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