As DP was unable to come in to the 12 week scan as he was asked to wait outside with DS2 so we decided to book a gender scan for 16+1, which was last night.
No heart beat, measurements suggesting baby died between 13+3 and 14+1 (although crl was only 12+2 - it was tightly curled up in a ball and the sonographer has put in the report that measurement isn't reliable due to positioning).
I am in turns numb, grief stricken, disbelieving but the common theme running through all these emotions is utter terror. I'm so scared that this 'missed' miscarriage is going to start naturally before I get the chance to be helped by the hospital (I have an apointment at 11.15am tomorrow with the EPU - I'm guessing they will confirm the baby has died and talk me throuh my options - as much as I think I want things managed right away, I don't suppose it's going to happen tomorrow?)
I know beyond a doubt that I do want to, can't let this run its natural course - the thought of passing the baby and then...what? It goes down the toilet? I throw it in the bin? I think even the thought of seeing it. I can't get the oh-so-still image of it out of my head from the scan last night, it's haunting me. The 'real thing' might just finish me off.
Also, I'm still full on breastfeeding DS2 who turned one two weeks ago. So I assume in some way it's going to affect what I can take, especially when it comes to pain relief. If, for instance, I chose a local for an ERPC do I get earplugs? Being awake is one thing, hearing it would be another.
Oh god, I'm a mess. I know I'll hopefully be better informed tomorrow but as of right now it all feels so alien and surreal. So surreal. I think I need information from real, been there women so I'm not flailing around, feeling like I'm drowning. Forewarned is forearmed, isn't it? I hope so.
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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss
Please help if you can. 12 week scan, fine...
MandaHugNKiss · 30/03/2011 20:16
THank you, everyone, for your words.
'Mumsnet was a real life line as I couldn't talk to anyone in real life about it without breaking down.'
This, especially, smiley rings true.
Please bare with me; this will probably be long winded but I just eed to get it out.
So today has been in turns, quite easy and difficult at the same time. And to a degree, I'm confused about what they have told me is going to happen but... just accepting it?
When I arrived (Kingston Hospital), I was pleasantly surprised that the epu is in a completely seperate building to the maternity services. After reading some other posts yesterday, I was mentally prepared to sit among happily pregnant women.
Luckily, DS2 had fallen asleep en route. We waited about 15 mins during which time I felt surprisingly relaxed and almost sorry for the women around me, wishing them well and that they still had hope.WHen we went into the scan room, the sonographer actually said that as I had a report from babybond I didn't need to be scanned again but said some women need it as confirmation and in the blink of an eye I went from calm and resigned to crying that, yes, although I know it's true I can't help the thought that keeps popping into my head that it might be a mistake. SHe was very kind. Within a few seconds she gently told me she agreed with the report and that there was no heart pulsations. She asked if I'd like to see as, again, for some women they need to see for themselves that there is no cardiac activity. I declined, saying it was infact me who had said it first before even the sonographer on tuesday evening, so I did already know. SHe took a few measurements, printed a few pictures and then we waited to be called by the doctor. Once again, I felt very calm.
After he said the pregnancy wasn't viable he began to talk about options at which point I became a bit tearful again and said I would like it to be surgivally managed. As the nurse wasnt with him he initally felt my tummy and said it was low, about 11-12 weeks in size, so surgical management was an option and they were fully booked tomorrow but I could come on Monday morning. But he'd need to examine me internally to be sure of the size of my uterus. THen the nurse came in and, my goodness, she was so lovely the whole time she spent in the room with us.
As he examined me he seemed quite surprised and said, oh, actually, it feels quite a bit bigger, maybe 14-15 weeks - your pelvis was deceiving me.
When we sat back down he said although the pregnancy ended at 12+6 (this corresponds EXACTLY with a day that I had a very high temperature folled by a flu like illness - he confirmed it could very well have ended the pregnancy) my uterus was bigger than that and then starting talking about medical management and I'd be coming in tomorrow morning. COnfused, I asked him to clarify and he said that as my uterus was so big they wouldn't do an erpc to avoid damage to my uterus.
As I tried to wrap my head around this, being that it really wasn't what I wanted (he knew that) he spoke to the overall consultant for a second opinion and I had a few words with the nurse about how this wasn't what I wanted but maybe I should do it if it was best for 'the future'.
So, the doctor said the consultant agreed to proceed with medical management - and that it is their standard procedure is to also do an erpc immediately after I'd passed the baby to ensure everything had been cleared out. That set me off in another spin. All I could think was if my uterus is too big with the baby in it, why is it magically small enouh straiht after? Rather than question it I just listened as the nurse explained what would happen tomorrow. I told her how I have very quick labours. Hmm, a thought just occured to me - I don't suppose I'll need to dilate all the way to ten before I'll pass the baby?
Then had a conversation about how I really don't want to stay the night because of DS2. It culminated in the nurse saying he'd be able to stay with me although DP would also need to stay which I think is bloody amazing. Still hoping to be home quickly but knowing they will do all they can to accomodate my wants/needs has lowered my stress levels considerably.
SHe took blood from me at one point. And swabbed me for MRSA. And bought me in some leaflets and a tick list form that will tell them whether I'd like photos etc, etc. And was just so nice. I even had a bit of a joke with her at one point.
SOmething else has just occured to me. THey didn't tell me to be nil by mouth from, say, 8am... even though I could be in theatre by lunch time (they said) if I pass the baby quickly as may be given how quick my labours usually are. Maybe I should call and ask? But then again, I kinda do need to keep my fluids up because of breastfeeding. Damn. I should have thought of this before now. Maybe I should refuse the erpc? Ugh. This is more difficult than it felt when I left - I really felt that I was going to be taken care of - the nurse even said, when I told her I was so scared it would start naturally before I get to them, that if I started bleedin/cramping to just come straight to them, that she'd have a side room for me from tonight. Oh, I did have a moment of intense sadness when the doctor asked for my pregnancy notes and I didn't get them back 
I think I'm recalling some of this in the wrong order. And I think I'm leaving little bits out.
Anyway, these thoughts all need to be pushed aside for a moment - DS2 just ran up to me and it smells like a nappy change is in quick order!
Manda, just adding my best wishes and hugs.
So sorry you are having to face this and hope you manage to get some sleep.
AFAIK the risk of surgical management of MMC is also related to the fact that the pregnant uterine wall is 'softer' than usual, so can be perforated more easily with an instrument. I think that is why they use suction (with a fairly 'soft' plastic/hard rubber type thingie) rather than curettage with a metal instrument (sorry to be so graphic). I am obviously no specialist and my own experience is only of MMCs before 12 weeks, but FWIW I had 4x ERCOP (horrible, horrible phrase!) under GA and had no problems.
In my own experience and speaking to others who have been through similar, I think the most important thing is that you feel confident that the proposed management is right for you, that you have trust in those who look after you and that you have loving support around you. Ask for a second opinion if that will help with making you feel you are doing the Right Thing - I did once, it was positively encouraged and in the end, it did not change my management but it helped me 'believe' in it more, IYKWIM?
Do ask all your questions, please do, nobody will mind. Much as I like to think that most HCP are in the line of work they are in because they are the caring kind, most of us can at times forget that what is a matter of routine to us, is a personal catastrophy to you and your family.
Very best of luck, hope thing develop as well as they can do under these circumstances.
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How are you doing today, Manda? Really hope you are ok. Well, okish . Thinking of you.
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