considering becoming a lone parent through sperm donation - anyone done it?

[WeesaD]

I am a single mum of a little girl of 5. Her father is very much involved (read obsessed), a total bully to me but provides for her financially at least. I am 39 and have wanted another child ever since my first, and am now considering sperm donation as I NEVER want to go through the last 4 years of hell re custody and money battles - and then lose my daughter 40% of the time!!
I am pretty OK financially, have a roof over my head, know I can raise a child on my own as I am doing really well so far and have doen for 4 years now, and have great friends to support me.....so? any advice/ any one been where I am now?

[kdk]

Several years ago I thought about it and went as far as getting accepted for donor insemination but in the end decided I just couldn't voluntarily become a single mother - not saying it is wrong, just wasn't for me. I did quite a bit of research eg looked at the donor conception website, single mothers by choice (US site) as well as speaking to a couple of women who were single mothers by choice ....

Ironically several years later, I got married, pregnant, had twins, and divorced all within three years and am now a single mother of five year olds so go figure.

I may be able to dig up some websites/books for you if you want. Let me know - and iirc there are a couple of women on here who have gone down the single motherhood by choice route.

[lindsaygii]

No. But I'd be interested to know how it goes. I'd like my ds to have a sibling some day, but I don't want to go down the step-parent, step-siblings route (long, personal story...) Had thought about IVF in a year or two. Just a thought so far.

[jamestkirk]

dont expect you'll agree but i think its a stupid adea. ive been a single parent of three for many years, ive encouraged contact with my ex - even used to take them thru to see her when she couldnt afford the bus fare. i work full time, have own house, cars etc, have done all i could for them.
still, i know how stigmatised and awkward theyve felt at times when having to explain their circumstances.
i wouldnt deliberately force that on a child from birth just to have one of my own.

[lindsaygii]

But is it better to have a lone child on its own in that situation, or siblings who are at least both in the same boat and can look out for each other?

[WeesaD]

kdk - I would love the websites/books that you have please....

[SqueezyIsStartinAResolution]

I am really interested in this argument because I know someone who is thinking about doing it.

I am all for it and totally support the person but my only worry is the morals of bringing a child into the world who has no chance of ever finding their father?

[singsong]

I think the law changed a while back so that children from donated sperm/eggs now have right to trace the donor when they reach 18 (in the UK)

[SqueezyIsStartinAResolution]

Ah right. See my friend is thinking of buying sperm from the internet and I'm not sure if that law applies?

I just read on the hfea website that if she uses sperm outside a clinic, from the internet etc, the donor is the legal father of the child and has the same rights and responsibilities as any normal father.

So probably worth telling my friend to go through official HFEA channels.

Sorry WeesaD, not meaning to hijack. Can I ask if you are going through an official clinic?

[LillianGish]

Can't believe this a real post? You obviously don't like your dd's father, but you don't say what she thinks of him. Presumably if she's with him 40 percent of the time they have some sort of a relationship. Single parents end up on their own for all sorts of reasons, but to actively choose to have no father for child is a bit . It's all about what you want rather than what your child might want.

[lindsaygii]

The OP is 39 so she may feel that waiting to meet another partner would take too long?

Also, IVF and sperm donation are commonly used by single women these days. So why can't you believe it? It's increasingly a feature of how women use fertility treatment.

[northlondonmumma]

I can relate to your desire for another child. I separeted after my second child and I know if I had separated from my xp after ist baby i would have been absolutely desperate for another one.....

people can judge but maybe better to do it alone than rush into another relationship when time is an issue possibly.

You might want to read up re potential identity of the father being dislcosed, i believe that depending on where you get the little wrigglers from , then there are different rights for the child to find out the indetity of the father.

I am not an expert on this area but a friend was considering it and showed me a website for a danish sperm bank (gosh what handsome children that could produce!); their motto is "congratulations its a viking"!!!

Good luck with your decision making

[kdk]

Here you go OP

single mothers by choice
donor conception network
There's a few books - see here on Amazon

The clinic I went to was the London Women's Clinic

hth

[singsong]

"It's all about what you want rather than what your child might want"

But isn't this statement true of anyone who makes a decision to conceive a child whether single/couple/gay couple or whatever their circumstances?

[piscesmoon]

I wouldn't do it.
I was in a similar position. DH died and I would have loved a sibling for my baby. I didn't do it because I could explain to DS1 that he didn't have a father through an accident and sad though it was no one or nothing could change it. I didn't feel able to tell a DC2 that they had no father because I wanted a DC and I thought it a good idea. DC1 couldn't blame me in later years but a DC2 could blame me.It is too self indulgent IMO. There are lots of DCs who need a foster home.

[DelGirl]

My circumstances are a little different. My dh died but he banked his sperm so that I could go on to have dd who is now 4. Obviously I do tell her about him and answer any questions when they come up so she does have a daddy that she sort of knows iykwim. I would have seriously considered going down the route you have chosen if I was in your shoes.

I have ummed and ahhed about having a sibling for dd but I think I'm too old to go through it alone again and cope with 2 and the contraints that would bring.

The point of posting really is to say to all the people who say to you, 'you can't do it, you're only doing it for yourself and selfish reasons' I know, i've been there........say to them. 'Ok, so for what reason did you have yours then. Because you wanted them right?' That should answer their questions. Good luck with whatever you decide. btw, I was 39 when I had dd. x

[DelGirl]

picsesmoon, sorry I didn't see your post earlier. I understand your point. I didn't have any dc's at all before dh died. I stand by what I say but also see your pov. Didn't want you to think I posted after you becasuse of what you said iykwim lol

[cockles]

I would go ahead. Lesbians do this all the time, we often have to if no other donors available. Sperm is not totally anonymous now, the child gets identifying details at 18. There is a considerable shortage of sperm afaik though, so may not be as easy as you think. Had you thought of doing it with a male friend you would be happy to coparent with? (I mean getting him to donate, which you could do in your own home with no need for clinics)

[LillianGish]

Delgirl - your case is not the same as the OP at all imo. Your dcs are in the same position - their father is dead. The OP's dd has a father (the op doesn't like him, but he is obviously there and involved). Her new baby (if she has one) won't - not because he died, she didn't get with him, he wasn't interested, but because she didn't want the hassle. What is she going to say to dc2 when dd is spending 40 percent of her time with dad and dc says "Where's my dad?" "Yeah sorry about that I thought you'd be better off without a dad - I didn't want the hassle."

[DelGirl]

I do see your point but surely she could just as easily say that they were a much wanted child and give them all the love possible. I'm just trying to put myself forward a few years to what dd may say, maybe in teenage moments of I hate you blah bla blah, why did you have me blah blah blah but surely deep down they would know they were loved and wanted. Is that not enough? It is difficult I know and i'm not there yet so don't have all the answers.

[DelGirl]

Having read your post again I do see that it may be difficult for a child where their sibling does have a father in their lives when they don't. They will be brought up in that situation though it won't just be placed on them later on so it may well seem normal to them at least in their early years. All my friends who have dc's are with their partners/dh's and dd has never really questioned it, it is normal for her. Occasionally she may say I want my daddy but it's not often, she just seems to accept that she doesn't have hers around. I dunno, it does throw up all sorts of dilemmas I suppose. I guess the OP just has to go with her heart though.

[LillianGish]

I just think siblings like to be treated fairly. What is she going to say when the new ds or dd says "My sister's got a dad why haven't I got one?" "Well your sister's dad is so awful I thought you'd be better off without one". And what kind of message does that send if she has a ds? I do have lesbian friends who have children from donor sperm, but again that's a different scenario. They can tell their children we really wanted you, blah, blah, blah, the crucial point is their ds and dd are in exactly the same position. I go back to my original point - I think the op is a troll - probably a Daily Mail journalist - she's never posted before (or since) - so well done for whoever did her research for her and directed her to the books and websites.

[LillianGish]

Del, I just wanted to emphasise that I'm in no way criticising your choice. When your dcs ask about daddy you can tell them - I think you were very lucky to have banked his sperm and your dc is very lucky to have a sibling. It's an entirely different situation.

[DelGirl]

you could be right about the journo thing . However anyone in that position wouldn't say something like that really would they, you'd be far more sensitive about it. One would hope anyway. Don't think I have any more to add really,. And, i've been on mn today for far too long and really must get some work done

[DelGirl]

I know you weren't, no worries. My dd is an only btw. lol

[piscesmoon]

I think yours is very different DelGirl, if I had had my husband's sperm I would have used it, but then I would have had a lot of reasons that I could give to the DC for doing it.
I wouldn't have any reason for just having a stranger's baby other than the fact that I wanted one.
In my case the strongest reason would have been that I would have feared that I wouldn't love the baby in the same way that I loved my DH's DS.(I can see that doesn't apply in OP case)

I still think that OP needs to take the greatest care because the baby, small DC stage is over in the blinking of an eye (in retrospect) and you will be judged and have no way of knowing whether the younger DC will think in the same way. You probably have 10-14 yrs when they see the world according to WeesaD and then 50yrs or so with a questioning adult.

Have you not thought of the fostering route, there are lots of DC who need a loving home without bringing one into the world without a father.

My DS was desperate to have a daddy when he was little-I don't think that I could have coped with telling him he didn't have one because I chose not to let him have one.