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I don't know what to do, bean's dad wants to see him

(55 Posts)
beansmum Wed 25-May-05 13:37:05

ds turns 1 next week and this morning I got a text from his dad wishing him happy birthday and wanting to see him.

I don't want to see him but I don't want to be the one who stopped bean having a relationship with his dad. I just can't trust him not to let us down (again) and I can't trust myself not to be rude and horrible to him if I see him.

Maybe I should let him see bean now because at least if he does let us down bean wont know about it, what do you think?

I'm crying now, I feel like I've put in so much effort to be a good mum over the last year and now my stupid ex is going to come in and take my son away from me, I don't want to share him!

dillydally Wed 25-May-05 13:42:04

Does he want to see him on his birthday only do you know?
Can you ask if doing the day before is OK? that way he won't ruin the big day and you can also see if he is only interested in the celebrations (yes this sounds cynical but this is from bitter experience)

I think he should probably see bean (children really have a short memory span at this age for strangers) but I don't see why the big day itself should be turned into an anxiety attack waiting to happen as bean would pick up on that.
But it is your call completely.
If you do let him see Ds then I suggest for the first time do it in vaguely neutral territory (your parents, his parents) as then it is easier for you both to go if things do turn downwards.
HTH

Caligula Wed 25-May-05 13:46:55

BM, I would let him see him but obviously, not alone (Bean doesn't know him and would be scared).

Your stupid ex is not going to take him away from you, he's going to see him once, then lose interest again probably. Or he'll make a resolution to see him again more often, and then his enthusiasm will tail away. And if it does, it's better it tails away when Bean is too young to be hurt by that. If you want to make sure his enthusiasm tails away quicker, make sure you make the appointment time to see him when he's supposed to be having his PM nap, so he's tired and grizzly. If he still wants to see him after he's behaved like Attila the Hun for an afternoon, then maybe that will reassure you that he'll be a little more committed in the future than he was in the past (although tbh that's unlikely).

Why can't you trust yourself with him?

beansmum Wed 25-May-05 13:47:09

I think he wants to see him regularly, but that's what he said when ds was born and he saw him 4 times before getting bored with fatherhood. He has told his mum about bean, he wouldn't tell her at first and we had huge arguements because he didn't understand why I was pissed off at that.

If I do let him see bean it definitely WONT be on ds's birthday, especially since he didn't even know when that was, thought it was this weekend and it's not until next wednesday.

I know I should probably be glad that he's wanting to see him but I'm not at all glad, I wish he would just leave us alone.

beansmum Wed 25-May-05 13:50:09

I wouldn't trust myself not to get angry with him, he's been such a prat since I found out I was pg, and now seems to think that any problems we had were all my fault and he is going to be an amazing dad.

dillydally Wed 25-May-05 13:58:03

Its like having deja vu for me..I had similar comments from the ex..the relationship breakdown was my fault (quote: why have you changed?) and the incredulous belief he is a good parent (doesn't understand the meaning of the word)

If you do the visit, focus on DS completely and not him, also can you agree ground rules before the visit about for example no arguments in front of ds, he plays by your rules re child care, he doesnt bring a sack of plastic toys to buy attention, he changes nappies (if that is what you want of course) etc

beansmum Wed 25-May-05 14:20:21

Just got another text saying "can't you understand how hard it was for me to suddenly become a dad, I didn't know how to handle it or how to tell people. But mattys older now, I can handle the older ones"

What a fool, and my son's name is not matty ffs!

I have texted him my postcode so he can send a bday card and a note for me, I will see what the note says and then I might arrange to meet him somewhere in town once my exams are over. I wont be letting him spend time with ds without me there and if I do meet him we'll have to talk and try and sort something out.

debs26 Wed 25-May-05 14:28:20

my friend was in this situation and she told xp to send her a solicitors letter containing his proposals and then she would let him see ds once they had agreed terms, the idea being that if he had to pay out for a solicitor it showed he actually wanted to see her ds and was serious about not just walking away again as it would take time aswell as money so it wouldnt be just a whim. she never received the letter and has not heard from him since. might not apply in your situation but thought id post anyway. good luck x

Caligula Wed 25-May-05 14:30:18

Good point debs.

What right does an adult have not to be able to deal with being a father?

What a w**r.

beansmum Wed 25-May-05 14:32:39

That sounds like a really good idea debs, that way I would know he was serious and also know that he had actually told people about ds. I'm not convinced he has told his mum, she seemed to me like the kind of person who would have rushed round to my place demanding to see her grandson, but I could be wrong.

If I do let him see ds I need to know that it is a regular thing, not just when he's feeling sorry for himself around ds's bday or xmas, and we need to have some rules about what he can and can't do.

moondog Wed 25-May-05 14:32:46

baensmum..he doesn't even know the name of his own kid!!! Is it approximately the same (not that it makes it any better.)
..'I didn't know how to handle it.' ffs,women have no bloody choice!
Was/is he a fellow student?

expatinscotland Wed 25-May-05 14:34:51

Debs,
Great idea. That way, too, perhaps he can start contributing to bean's support.

'Suddenly becoming a father'. Twit! How about how it feels to suddenly become a single mum? Bet he never considered that.

dillydally Wed 25-May-05 14:36:36

suddenly also implies the pregnancy period of nine months wasnt long enough to adjust
(apologies if it wasnt nine monhts btw)

beansmum Wed 25-May-05 14:43:22

Matty could be a nickname, but he has no right to give a child he hasn't seen for a year a nickname IMO!

He is an idiot, not sure what I ever saw in him. We are both quite young I suppose, and it was a bit of a shock, but 9 months was plenty of time to adjust to the idea. we didn't speak for most of my pregnancy, I think he was pissed off that I broke up with him, but after ds was born I thought he might grow up a bit.

Will email him and ask him to send me a solicitors letter, wonder if I'll get a reply?

beansmum Wed 25-May-05 15:13:06

Is this an okay letter?

If you would like to see Matthew could you please speak to a solicitor and ask him to send me a letter outlining your proposals. Please include how often you would like to see Matthew and when and where you would like any meetings to take place. We can arrange for you to see Matthew once we have agreed terms.

I’m not trying to make this difficult for you, I just need to know that you are going to stick around, and also that you are going to support the way I intend to bring up my son. We can speak about this some more once I receive your letter but my main concern is that you should see Matthew regularly and at a time that suits me. If you let us down by not turning up or by cancelling without good reason I will not agree to any more meetings.

I have a few further conditions but we can get into details later on.

I hope you can understand that I am just trying to do what is best for my son,



??

debs26 Wed 25-May-05 15:29:28

sounds reasonable to me beansmum. btw my friend told him to see a solicitor because if he was serious and they couldnt agree they would have to sort it out in court (incase he wants to know why a solicitors letter)

beansmum Wed 25-May-05 15:45:58

right, just sent it. Hope it was okay. At least it will take him a bit of time to get organised and I wont have to worry about it until after ds's bday and my exams are over

tammybear Wed 25-May-05 16:20:01

hey beansmum. i do hope for yours and beans sake, he is serious about this, and that if he is he will go to the solictor to do so. I always lose it with my exp. He knows I cant stand him, and that he always winds me up somehow. But Im there because Im there for dd, and I do try to keep my mouth shut, but usually if he starts on me, I tell him Im well within my rights to tell him to leave if he carries on to say things he shouldnt. Hope it goes well for you and bean xxx

beansmum Wed 25-May-05 16:35:53

thanks tammybear, I kind of hope he doesn't bother getting in touch but if he does I will just have to get along with him somehow. he's such a prat though and makes me so ! I'll just have to make it clear that this is his only chance and if he messes it up he wont be seeing ds again.

tammybear Wed 25-May-05 20:09:50

just keep to your guns hun, make sure he knows your terms, as in when he can come round, what you expect from him, etc

DickWhittingtonsCat Thu 26-May-05 13:16:12

Good for you, beansmum. I think you are handling it really well. I know that panicky feeling that someone is going to come take your baby away, but remember that it is an irrational feeling, because you are a great mother and your xp does not sound like the sort of person any court would ever think was a better parent!

Lasvegas Thu 26-May-05 13:28:28

My dd biological dad sent a solicitors letter 9 months after her birth/him walking out (of a 7 yr marriage)asking if he could see DD. I ignored it he sent another solicitor's letter saying that unless he could have DD to stay in his house alternative weekends and one night in the week then he would apply to court for contact order. I ignored this letter and 20 months later have heard nothing since. This suits me by the way as for many good reasons he would not be a positive influence on DD so I didn't and don't want him any where near me or her. I am now engaged to someone who DD calls Daddy who is a wonderful dad so I am glad that I ignored the letters.

beansmum Thu 26-May-05 13:44:30

I really want to ignore him, but I think I should give him one more chance. If I don't hear anything from his solicitor I will be so relieved! It's not that he's a bad person, or would physically harm me or ds, he's just really immature and has got the idea that anything that goes wrong in his life must be someone elses fault.

I know it's totally irrational to worry about him taking ds off me, that's never going to happen, but I'm worried that ds will like him more than he likes me and want to spend more time with him. And I'm worried that he'll be a bad influence and turn ds into a ned.

rickman Thu 26-May-05 13:52:45

Message withdrawn

Louise1980 Thu 26-May-05 19:37:36

Beansmum, I dont want to post a long dreary response here but I totaly understand the situation you are in. CAT ma and we can chat on msn if you like.

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