exPhas invited me to play at supervised contact session

[cestlavielife]

what is he on?

" I would like to invite you to share our playing time at [contact centre], to
make a positive difference a big step forward and to offer them a
joyfull surprise. To show them our love for them."

i had to email him on fiancial issues - short story i moved out with kids becoz of his unpredictable, violent abusive behaviour. mental health issues. he would not accept separation, shoved me and smashed my new flat. now he on supervised contact at contact centre.

he says

I know from [teacher] that [dd3] is "brilliant", she really is special.
Well, our three children are and so are we!

Our children are wonderfully imperfect as you and me are, they came from
the highest expression of love and unselfishness of two people they
loved each other.

They certainly see more than you and me together. They are they way to a
new, to light, change, healing, and happiness.

I would like to invite you to share our playing time at [contact centre], to
make a positive difference a big step forward and to offer them a
joyfull surprise. To show them our love for them.

If you are happy with this, we could ask permission at [contact centre] and
Cafcass and go altogether with [supervisor] to [cafe] and share some time
and sun shine playing at the park near by. Lets make the most of the
tools we got right now

I would like to ask you and think about dd3 birthday in July to positively see and expect differently!
To approach things with a new attitude, so we can be together on her
birthday. Please think, but do not need answer me immediately.

Lets start with what a small and huge step, sharing time with the
children next time playing all together
Please consider this.

so, what is he on?
i moved out april 2008. 14 months ago...have repeated ad nauseum we are separated parents.

[Claire2009]

Hmm. Well, I'm thinking he wants you there too so he doesn't have to play & can leave it all to you? So he just sits there iukwim?!

What do you think of it?

Dd & Ds have supervised contact at a centre with their Dad btw.

There's a relationship that needs to bond, and it's between you're children & their Father. You don't need to be there, and if I were you I would decline the offer telling him this is his time with them. 1-2-1 dc's & daddy time.

[popcorn123]

What bizarre nonsense - almost identical to stuff my ex comes out with.
It always makes feel slightly guilty about "splitting up the family" but when you can read it without being emotionally attached I can see it for what is is - a pathetic attempt to get you back under control (and he probably can't be bothered entertaing the dc's and wants help)

I am not sure it even merits a reply - a brief reply with no explanations at most - otherwise it will be used as another ploy to hook you back in.

[isittooearlyforgin]

think it sounds a bit like the steps of alcoholics anonymous iykwim - ie: has come from an organised body rather than an individual expression of consiliation.

[NotPlayingAnyMore]

WTF is all this happy clappy shite?

It's a badly-veiled way of saying that you not attending means that you don't love your DCs and that you have something to prove to them, him, or both.

You don't

[thumbwitch]

sounds like he's been reading self-help books and has re-hashed some of their words to try and hoax you into believing he is a Changed Man.

Do you WANT to go? what is likely to happen if you do? Since the supervisor will also be there, he can't be violent to you - he is more likely to try and continue with the Changed Man behaviour to try and get you to go back to him, surely - and as you are too strong and bright to fall for that old guff, you might as well enjoy his efforts while snurking inside to yourself. If, otoh, it would upset or confuse your DC to see the 2 of you together, don't go along with it.

[HerBeatitudeLittleBella]

"I would like to invite you to share our playing time at [contact centre], to
make a positive difference a big step forward and to offer them a
joyfull surprise. To show them our love for them."

"Thank you for the lovely invitation, I prefer to show my love for my children in a different way. Enjoy your playing time."

What a prick of the first water. It's a control thing. Prove you love your children, by sharing time with this prick. I don't think so.

[HerBeatitudeLittleBella]

"I believe I'm making a postive difference to my children in my own way, but I'm happy you too are working on making a positive difference to them in your's".

God I could go on all night, just taking random sentences from this collection of bullshit and thinking of different answers.

Am staggered by the prickishness of it. And the sad thing is, there are morons out there who would fall for this and think he is a changed man.

[ElenorRigby]

Cestlavie I just had a nosey at some of your old posts and found this...
"he was coming every day to see kids but didn't get it, said he wanted us back together, getting more frustrated, smashing objects etc...til he smashed his fist thru my door...police arrested him,"

Had a nosey because that email wrecks of fruit loop. Reading between the lines he wants to see you.
I'd compose something polite and non confrontational saying, thanks for your email of but I think...
The children would benefit spending contact time with dad alone
or some other off putting flowery stuff.
IMHO he needs to concentrate on his relationship with kids instead of trying to pull you back in.
Relationships with ex's need to be polite and businesslike. Unfortunately that email slipped into the scarily creepy! shakes head

[cestlavielife]

thanks guys...

confirms my reaction to say "F--off!" (couched int erms of "this is YOUR time with the dcs".

yes he is loopy...but will CAFCASS officer/judge fall for the "hearts and flowers" routine?

ugh.

he scares me with his stalker stuff.

he has been attending alpha group course at local church of england... hence the happy clappy?

[notevenamousie]

That could be a reason. But whatever the reason is - it doesn't really matter - SAVE all his e-mails and yours and be short and to the point (I am sure you already know this cestlavie) and don't get drawn into anything you think is him being strange. Because it is him being really odd, and whatever he's on you want no part of it..

[thumbwitch]

ah yes - that would explain all the jargon quite neatly. It sounded like some sort of therapy speak - an alpha group would be full of forgiveness of sins and love and commitment etc etc. But still - it's just him trying to show you he is a Changed Man, which he ain't.

I agree, keep the reply short, sweet and very professional - there is no need for you to impinge on his time with the DC, he should be using it to focus on them.

[sunshine13]

For what it's worth, my ex had mental health issues (diagnosed and everything by the doc) and there were times during our relationship that I was very frightened. I went through just what you described.

You need to be the adult here. Your ex wants to be a part of your kids life. I very much doubt that he would hurt them & is trying to allay your fear but offering supervised contact. YOu should be rejoicing.

1)he's trying to show he is capable of being with the iids
2)he is communicating with you something that's very hard for someone with mental health problems to do)
3)that he wants to be a part of the kids' lives.

I know how scary it is to get out of a situation where the ex is mentally ill. My ex knew there was a problem, got diagnosed then did NOTHING about it, later claiming that he was totally fine.

My point is that those kids deserve to see their father. I would get counselling though on how to get over living with someone who is mentally ill (I did) and do something constructive to help your children. They wont thank you for stopping contact and in the long run you'll be driving them away.

[notevenamousie]

She's not trying to stop contact - she is trying to let him have his supervised contact without here there!

[sunshine13]

I still think she is mis-interperting his words here.

[thumbwitch]

and how do you think that, sunshine? Have you read about the background of this relationship?

She is not trying to stop contact with the DC, she just doesn't want to be there with him. And considering that he is a violent controlling bully, I don't blame her. He MAY be trying for a genuine reconciliation but he has tried that before and reverted to violence. So - why should she believe him this time and get sucked back into the cycle of control and violence?

[macdoodle]

Nope that is seriously deranged stuff - control control control, I would be tempted to ignore completely, he will misintepret whatever you say!

[sunshine13]

It would be so easy to label him as a violent controlling bully. It's not that black and white. Most metally ill patients cant help what they do. Is he getting help? I dont understand Dad isnt welcomed into kids' lives. He should be.

[thumbwitch]

You are STILL missing the point sunshine - he IS allowed in the DC's lives, it is CESTLAVIE who doesn't want to see him.

[sunshine13]

well then dont. The point is she isnt talking to him too much to convey her feelings. I think the reason he wants her there is to show that he's OK with kids.
I am sure if she told him that she trusts him enough to be around the kids without her he would be jumping for joy.

i dunno... mountain... molehill.

[jeminthedark]

The language he uses is quite odd and a little unnerving- does he actually speak like that?

I think you should go with your instincts- you know him after all.
He is having supervised contact with his children for a good reason. I think his use of phrases and emotioive language a bit scary to be honest.

Good luck.

[jeminthedark]

EMOTIVE language

[jeminthedark]

If it's supervised contact, someone will be there to watch he is ok with the kids , she doesn't need to see it, they are seperated.

[thumbwitch]

[cestlavielife]

sunshine tks for your viewpoint. but i tend to align with the others...

his view is we should all be together "mum dad and kids. " and he has said this to the CAFCASS officer. is a very Victorian way of thinking. i doubt any judge will order me to go "back to him"??

some important points here - when i moved out because of his behaviour which was violent agressive abusive and damaging to me/the dcs, i gave him full supervised by me / by childcarer access to kids at our new flat.

but he could not handle it and used the times to threaten ("if we not together i will kill myself" and abuse (violence). scaring the hell out of all of us.

hence we moved to supervised contact at a contact centre (after court hearing etc..)

in july 2007 he attacked our disabled son. i was willing then to believe he was in the middle of a mental breakdown, however he himself told the judge that those events were not psychiatric and he "didnt need to go to psych unit" at the time.

gp and psychiatrist told me time and time again that the violence agression and emotional blackmail are not part of his mental health issues. they cannot be treated unless he recognizes them.

and yes i went to counselling and thru that i believe i came to understand the difference between "mental health" and "abusive relationship"...
(refer also to luncy bancroft - mental health/depression is no excuse!)

he was violent and agressive before he went on anti depressants and during the time he was on anti depressants. it means nothing to say he is off them and "better".

in another part of the recent email he says

"I have been out of antidepressants since beginning of May, previously I
was on just a minimal 10mg for the last six months. All the assessments
I have had, prove that I am okay and no indication of any ideas you
might have thought i could have. I'll make those available to you if you
want

I am trying to do the best that I can. Every day, and every minute. I do
this thinking on my family and my children that I love and I miss
greatly. I try to help others as I can not do this for the people I most
love and I would like to be with; and giving is the most rewarding thing
you can do."

he does not accept what he did. the first judge in oct 2008 suggested he write to the dcs to apologize for his behaviours, specfically for shoving and pushing me, for smashing the door in the flat and for holding us all hostage refusing to leave for two hours...

he wrote "i am sorry i have been depressed but the good news is i am on antidepressants and will get better".

dcs saying that after seeing him at supervised contact sessions they still dont want to be with him alone and they dont want him coming to the flat to pick them up.

i have no doubt that he loves the dcs in a way; but asking me to be there is i think more about "let us all be together again". (so i can control the situation again).

meanwhile eh shows complete lack of repsonsibility eg offers no maintenance for dcs, does not pay all expenses on the joint owned flat he still living in, just ignores any financial separation proposals such that i will have to take it to court. i think he truly believes it will all resolve because i will see the light and return to his "love".

he is a fantasist...to me it feels like i am being stalked. these "hearts and flowers" type messages have alternated with "why are you so neurotic" "why are you doing this to me" text messages/emails.

and dealing with this aspect of mental illness (if it is such) i think means not giving in ...

[AnarchyAunt]

I don't like the tone of that at all. Very emotive, and tbh a bit creepy. Can't quite put my finger on it.

Doesn't sound very sincere either - are you sure he wrote it himself? Because it sounds like the sort of thing a happy clappy Alpha course leader would write for him.

"I would like to ask you and think about dd3 birthday in July to positively see and expect differently!" Eh?

Sounds like he is not accepting any responsibility for how things are and that he thinks you need to adjust your negative attitudes/expectations