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dh got that job in Milan, should I stay or should I go? Don't want to leave Switzerland.

(70 Posts)
ernest Wed 08-Aug-07 09:32:36

Sorry, long irratic waffle appraoching. I feel torn. Do I put my marriage first, or my kids? Obv. I don't come first in any of this.

I've lived in Switzerland for nearly 7 years. 2 of our 3 boys were born here. I moved around a lot as a child and adult. I just want to settle down. DH had a very stable childhood and wants excitment, change. He's been offered, and accepted a fantastic job in Milan.

I need to decide if I go with him or stay here and we commute, ie he comes back for weekends, we go there during school holidays.

If we go, boys going to have to learn Italian, it'll be hard, they have already done it with German. I don't want to put them under the extra stress. Ds2 & 3 cope very badly with change. Ds 1 a lot more adaptable. Sorry I'm jumping about a bit, Boys are 3, 6 & 7 (almost 8).

I love it here. Swiss mentality suits my personality. Hate the thought of Italy. Hate the sound of Milan, the traffic, heat, pollution...

If we move, DH will be in an English speaking office, working long hours and travelling a lot, so we wouldn't see much of him anyway. And I'd have to cope with everything on my own, no friends, no Knowledge of Italian, no help (have good support network with neighbors here). It will be much harder for me & the boys than him.

But if we stay - well dh had a 6 month long affair recently, from September to March. So obv. trust a big issue.

He says I am negative and unsupportive. But I feel negative about it. I love it here. I don't want to start all over again. But can I risk my marriage like this?

I've adi I won't go straight away, we'll do the commute for 6 months. I'm learning Italian, and we'll see how it goes. I really don't know. I guess if we didn't have kids I'd go, and I'd see it as an adventure. But I remember as a kid moving schools and finding it horrible. And that was without being chucked into a foreign school not knowing a word of the language. on the other hand, they could end up tri-lingual. Very confused.

I know you can't make the dicission for me, but anyone help me iron out some thoughts??? See it from a clearer neutral perspective?

littlerach Wed 08-Aug-07 09:37:55

It sounds like you really do want to stay wher you are.
Why not try it and see?
WRT your husband, I remember yout other thread. I guess that if he was going to do it again, would it matter where you lived? If you move to Italy, you won't see much more of him anyway, form what you've said.
Hard decsiooin. Though

expatinscotland Wed 08-Aug-07 09:38:33

I'd be off like a shot.

Wheelybug Wed 08-Aug-07 09:40:29

If your main concern is your children could you talk to them (at least the olders ones) about it and see what they think ?

ernest Wed 08-Aug-07 09:42:20

what do you mean exp? Off to Iatly or off out of marriage?? Do you like Italy? You see I just don't get it. I'd feel miles more excited if it was Moscow, not Milan. I just don't 'get' Italy, Russia yes, France, yes, Switzerland, yes. Italy? Just doesn't 'reach out to me'.

FioFio Wed 08-Aug-07 09:43:01

Message withdrawn

FioFio Wed 08-Aug-07 09:43:32

Message withdrawn

oliveoil Wed 08-Aug-07 09:44:01

what do your children think?

personally I wouldn't uproot them again

and imo, you should tell your husband that you could be a tad negative and unsupportive due to his affair

did he consult you or the rest of the family at all at this life changing thing or just accept the job and hope you would all fall in line? (sorry, don't know full background)

ernest Wed 08-Aug-07 09:44:17

we talked to kids. Eldest excited about maybe moving, though wants to learn Japanese, not Italian (?!) Ds2 wept. Really cried at thought of leaving here. Ds3 blissfully unaware in toddler cloud cuckoo land.

littlerach Wed 08-Aug-07 09:44:22

Haven't been to Milan, but love the parts I have been to.

Agree with Fio.

Upwind Wed 08-Aug-07 09:44:23

Did you have counselling as a couple after the affair? I only ask because I find it strange that you do not seem to have been involved in the decision to accept this job. You should have been able to veto his move if it was not what you wanted.

If he is being such a complete arse you may need to consider what you want for the future. I am sure your dcs will be fine and whatever you choose to do they will adapt. This is your life too and you have to think more of yourself.

oliveoil Wed 08-Aug-07 09:45:28

we are (hopefully) emigrating to Australia

this is after years of discussions, not dh saying we are off, pack up

belgo Wed 08-Aug-07 09:45:37

ernest - I think you should do what's best for you and your children. Your dh has a lot to prove to you. Don't let him call all the shots.

moondog Wed 08-Aug-07 09:45:45

I've lived in Moscow.Believe me,it's not that great.
I'd love Italy and doubtless in Milan there is good expat network.We've alwyas lived in weird and wonderful places where there are about 4 expata (Moscow excluded).

I think you need a job Ernest,to stop making you feel as if your purpose in life is to trail the world after your dh.I felt like this a bit for a year or two and it got me down.

FunkyGlassSlipper Wed 08-Aug-07 09:46:43

If you are trying to repair a marriage after an affair it seems odd to me that your husband would accept a job in another country without you agreeing together in advance that it was the right thing to do.

Personally, I wouldn't go but you need to decide what is most important to you.

belgo Wed 08-Aug-07 09:47:40

I agree with moondog. Ernest, if you got a job in another country, would he follow you?

Upwind Wed 08-Aug-07 09:47:43

Rereading your OP I think you have already decided what to do - you will commute for six months and see how things go. That seems to be all you can really do for now. What you want to do next will become clear over the course of that time, but if you could get him into counselling with you before he goes it might help him understand how unreasonable he is being.

IsabelWatchingItRainInMacondo Wed 08-Aug-07 09:51:14

I'm totally with Fio in this one.

May also add that ten years ago I would have said GO without ANY hesitation. Now, with the benefit of experience, I would say stay, try the commute for a year and see how it works.

I was moved a lot as a child, the environment I live in is full of expats and I can positively said that no matter how long we have been living in this city, I have known any single person for more than 2 years. This is not what I wanted for DS, and having a similar childhood, the thing I really wanted to avoid was for him to feel like a foreigner on every place... seems we are steadily going in that direction!

bran Wed 08-Aug-07 09:53:09

We have friends who lived in Milan and they said it wasn't an easy place to raise a family. They have since moved out to a small village because they can both work from home most of the time.

TBH, if your dh is going to be travelling a lot anyway then you are probably better off staying where you are. Especially if he will be moving again in a couple of years. I can see that the fact that he's had an affair recently is worrying though.

BadPuppy Wed 08-Aug-07 09:53:35

Yes think the idea of giving yourself six months to see how things go is for the best.

Have to say though, he really does come accross as a complete selfish, bully. (That is following on from your previous thread btw, not just this one)

This decision should have been made by both of you after full and frank discussions. Not just him haring after excitement.

expatinscotland Wed 08-Aug-07 09:59:08

K, I've read your entire post.

I think he should go on his own and YOU should be putting down your own roots, getting a small job or volunteering perhaps, that sort of thing.

Trust issues. Hmm. That's HIM who should be making extra efforts to you to prove he is trustworthy, not the rest of the family compromising its peace of mind for his cock ups.

Upwind Wed 08-Aug-07 09:59:40

My DH and I have both moved from country to country for work reasons and it has involved one of us uprooting each time. Each move involved months of discussions and research. There was never any question of one of us just deciding to accept work overseas without regard to the impact on our family.

Ernest, it sounds like your DH is not fulfilling his duties has a husband and father. It may be some kind of midlife crisis but thayt is not a good enough excuse.

TootyFrooty Wed 08-Aug-07 10:08:10

Personally I would stay put. He won't be around much even if you move and you being in Milan won't stop him having another affair if he's going to have one.

You'll be lonely, bored and your children will be unsettled. Do what you want and what is best for your children - not what is "best" for him.

Ask yourself this - if you move to Milan and your marriage doesn't work out what will you do? Stay in Milan or move back to Switzerland? Switzerland is your home.

ernest Wed 08-Aug-07 11:20:07

That's good last point, tf. Fwiw everybody, yes, I agree my dh is selfish, having mid life crisis and can be bullying, but I am thinking of myself hense the op. He sort of took it as read we'd automatically move to Milan and got bit of a shock when I said I wasn't agreeing to move. He did over ride me when I said I didn't want to leave here, but it wasn't done behind my back. He's wanted to change jobs for a long time, before the affair started. He tried but nothing came up in Zurich, really, in nearly a year, nothing, so I did kind of understand it when this Italian job came up, cos it sounded like a truly fantstic opportunity. Problem is, affair aside, we want and need different things. I want continutiy and stability, for me and the kids, he craves the buzz of city life. I guess if it did work out, it could be the best of both worlds - he get great job, city appartment, flashy, non-family car (our peugeot 807, which I love, as it's so - gasp - practical - with the kids - practcally brings him out in hives.

He had an affair for many reasons. It's not excusable. He hurt me tremendously. But he was unhappy, with boring life, which I am happy with, with boring job, which tbh doesn't affect me. I felt I had to go long with the Milan job, cos he wanted it so much, and he has been so unhappy/fed up/bored so long, he needed the change. Maybe if he stayed in boring job he'd be more likely to re offend? I don't know.

I am a kond of Que sera type of person. I told him it'll work out, it'll all come out in the wash. But everynow and then, ie now, now that it's real, I get a wobble.

But you've all come up with great points, eg if he was going to have affair this could happen anyway, which I hadn't considered.

I just wonder if for myself I should consider moving, I am more reluctant to try new things, eg skiing, generally less adventurous than he is. Often he brings out the more adventurous side of me, and does more adventurous and cool things with the boys that I wouldn't. I don't know. Good to toss around ideas.

Oh and big news is - OMG I'm terrified!!!! - I HAVE gone and got me a job!!!!! I haven't worked for 8 years. After affair I felt I should try to get job, tho in CH much harder with kids to work, but anyway, last day of term, ds1 teacher phoned me and asked me if I'd do maternity cover for English teacher at his school, so it's not a full time or permanent position, but at least gentle re introduction to the worl of work, teaching in my sons' school. Another reason to stay, at least until my contract is up, not that I've signed anything yet as I've just got back from UK.

expatinscotland Wed 08-Aug-07 11:23:40

He is the one with the problem. He's the one who's bored, unhappy, etc.

So why should you and your kids have to pay the price for that?

I think the 6 month trial and you getting a job sounds fair.

It's about compromise and if he's not willing to do that, well, you have to focus on what's best for you and your family.

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