Why do SAHMs not want to know working mums?

[78Annie]

I'm a working mum. As a teacher, I like to spend as much time as possible with my little one during the school holidays. It also gives my other half a break as he is a SAHD. But when I suggest to other mums to meet up in the hols, I get negative replies about how busy places are etc etc.

[incogneato]

well maybe that's because they think the places will be busy?

[tribpot]

I've found that places (a) do tend to be much busier in school hols and (b) there are too many 'big' kids around for toddlers to play happily. The under 5s areas at places like Wacky aren't much cop, so during termtime the toddlers can roam about on the stuff intended for big kids without being in the way. I suspect that's the kind of thing you're experiencing.

[WaynettaVonBlood]

Why don't you invite people around to yours / to the park for a playdate?

[colditz]

Oh it is crap in the holidays though, far too busy, I always try to avoid it. I understand how you feel but I wager it's nothing personal.

[ghosty]

Just wait until their kids are at school ... then they have no choice but to go to places in the holidays ....
I am a SAHM and I have one preschooler and one school child. I tend to spend the holidays not seeing people as all my personal friends have preschoolers and DS (7) gets incredibly bored in 'Toddler World' as he calls it.
The 4 year age gap can be hard in this respect as I have to spend the holidays juggling play dates for DS and DD is left out or time for DD that DS finds boring ...
So in the end it is easier just to spend the time at home as they play nicely if it is just the two of them.

Oh, and btw ... I have a friend who is a Working Mum ... honest

[colditz]

yes there is that hassle of taking a school aged child with you, possibly to meet people who have no experience with school aged ones, and you can't talk anyway because most under 10s monopolise everyone's available brainspace unless there is another child to play with!

[belgo]

Of course SAHMs want to know WOHMs - I have plenty of friends who work (in fact most of them do) but it does take more organisation and commitment to meet up with them.

[78Annie]

Thanks for the replies. Anyone got any advice for meeting other working mums? We've recently moved to a new area (over 200 miles from where we used to live!) and we're both finding it hard to meet like-minded people.

[Anna8888]

Completely agree with Belgo.

I have lots of WOHM friends - former colleagues or classmates, mostly, so people I know very well from a former carefree existence, who I have partied and holidayed with. I also have lots of SAHM friends, and I find I easily make new SAHM friends but not new WOHM friends.

The reality is that the SAHM lifestyle and the WOHM lifestyle don't coincide that much. I tend to go away every holiday - that's one of the perks of being a SAHM, as far as I'm concerned. I'm available to do things with other mothers during the day in term time, but the weekends and evenings are for my partner - that's another perk of being a SAHM (for me, and for him - he'd be pretty pissed off if I wanted to go out with my friends in the evening having had time for my own activities and friends during the day). And I don't have a lot of help in the house, unlike the WOHMs I know, so I have to plan my domestic schedule carefully whereas they are always free to do things at a drop of a hat (when they are not working) as they have no responsibility for shopping, housework, meals or childcare.

[TellusMater]

Why don't you invite them to your house rather than a play centre?

[SmartArseCoveredinCobwebs]

Ahem, Anna: not all WOHMs "have no responsibility for shopping, housework, meals or childcare". I am a WOHM and I am fully responsible for the smooth-running of our household. I have don't have a cleaner or a housekeeper or even a live-in au pair or nanny (DDs go to a childminder after school) and I don't know who else would shop and cook if I didn't.

78Annie, I do know what you mean but as Colditz says, I don't think it's anything personal. SAHMs are able to use these places in term time and very sensible they are too. I would do as Waynetta suggested and invite a few people around for tea or organise a picnic in the park (although you might want to save that one until the summer comes around again!). Honestly, I don't think it's anything personal. You're new to the area and it does take time to make friends. Check out local, child-friendly magazines and newspapers and see if there are any organised meet-ups during the holidays and go to those. You'll soon have loads of friends, I'm sure!

[Anna8888]

Come on, I qualified it with "unlike the WOHMs I know" .

[MabelMay]

Hi 78Annie, I am an occasional WOHM, currently a SAHM. I don't think you should be taking the 'too busy' answer personally. Like others have suggested, invite the SAHMs you know to your house, or suggest a walk in a nice park. Toddler/kids play centres etc can be a nightmare in the school holidays so there are often nicer options.
Also you say, "how do I meet other working mums? I want to meet like-minded people..." It's probably not intended but you seem to be ruling out SAHMs as "like-minded people". I have good friends who are WOHMs, SAHMS, and non-mums and it's got nothing to do with whether they work out of the home or not, are mums or not. It just depends if we get on!
MMX

[SmartArseCoveredinCobwebs]

Ok, Anna - I'm just feeling a little sensitive today!

[Kewcumber]

"they have no responsibility for shopping, housework, meals or childcare" pmsl

You know some very odd WOHM's

Like MabelMay I have a mixture of WOHM and SAHM friends and the SAHM do tend to have stuff arranged durting the week which they obviously can;t drop just becasue you have a holiday.

I would suggest that your DH starts trying to arrange things with them during the week which you can then join in with when you are home. Also have you tried going to any local MN meetups or posting on here to arrange one? Its how I made loads of my friends with children.

[Anna8888]

No worries .

There are SAHMs at my daughter's school gate who bring the nanny to school pick up ... there's even one SAHM who comes up to school with her baby, her chauffeur and two nannies (she has twins at school) and the little girls have a full-time bodyguard who hangs around outside school all morning .

My particular version of the SAHM lifestyle doesn't coincide with that family's, needless to say .

[Anna8888]

Kewcumber - no, not odd, they just have a different lifestyle.

Here in France home help is much cheaper than in the UK and the lifestyle is such that it is normal to have it. I'm the "odd" one out (like most of my non-French friends and acquaintances) for not liking having someone in my house all day.

[Blu]

78Annie - the majority of DS's friends' Mums from his school are SAHMs, and I have had to work quite hard to make sure we stay in the same 'circles' - they naturally meet up during my working day and have lost of reciprocal childcare 'deals' with each others younger children - while DS and his freinds are at school. I keep in the loop by making sure I offer to have their children over for tea / play after school when i can (it's probably much easier for me than for you as I work very flexi-time - lots of working evenings, but pick DS up two days a week. The other thing i do is offer to have thier children for half a day at the w/e as they, like your other half, get little time without the children. When i do that i have not only DS's freind, but all the siblings, too - just as the SAHMs do when they reciprocate fro each other in the week.

Ppicnics in parks, walks in woods are not busy in school hols - or not too busy anyway, so maybe you could organise something like that?

[Gobbledispook]

I don't think it's personal at all - loads of my friends are WOHP (I work at home so am sort of SAHM but not iyswim!). In term time I might take my 3 yr old to places I wouldn't go near in the holidays as they do become just far too busy for little ones to enjoy. Also I'm on my own then with 3 kids and it's hard work at certain places.

I do loads of days out etc in the holidays though - with parents that never work and some parents that do work. Whether they work or not is kind of irrelevant to me!

[SmartArseCoveredinCobwebs]

He he, the school my niece's is at is like that! SAHM and nanny doing the school run, all driven by the chauffeur, despite living in the next road. I can't see why the SAHMs need nannies, especially expensive, fully-qualified, live-in ones. The occasional babysitter definitely yes, but nanny? It's all so very far removed from my own life (which I love, by the way!).

One of the mums at DD2's school left her baby behind the other day. The head had to hold it up in assembly and ask if anyone recognised it! (DD2 rather strangely said: "I didn't THINK it was ours". Well no, you're the youngest ...!) Anyway, the mum was half an hour away! She does have 3 other children so perhaps she'd be justified in getting a little help at home, for the sake of her children!

I digress ...

[scattyspice]

If you work FT in term time but have pre school DC (or toddlers) then would be hard to meet other mums as can't go to toddler grp etc.
Easier with school aged kids.

[Gobbledispook]

Hmm, yes, I suppose the people I am closest friends with either don't work or work part time so we do a lot of stuff together in the hours that other people are at work. That means we are closer anyway so tend to do stuff together in the holidays.

Isn't it just logical that you are going to be closest to those you see the most?

Like someone else said - I've got 3 or so friends who I share childcare, drop offs, taking to activities with.

We see each other every day in teh playground and lots of working parents are never in the playground so it's unlikely that I'd get to know them that well.

[Anna8888]

SmartArse - well, it all adds to the variety of life, it would be so boring if we all had the same lives - nothing to gossip about .

While I find that I bond with the mothers whose lifestyles are more similar to my own (look after their own domestic lives, work to fit around the family/children) I really enjoy knowing the others and I'm glad that my daughter gets to see a whole variety of lifestyles.

[FrankAwenstein]

ridiculous thread title imo. I am now a SAHM and have also been a go out to work mum. Regardelss I have time for friends with kids, wether or not they work.

Tbh i tend to avoid soft play places in the holiday period because they are often really busy (actully avoid them anyway). I do however meet up for trips to park, forest, beaches etc.

I doubt the negative replies are because you are a go out to work mum (sorry but the term working mum applies to all mothers imo)

[78Annie]

Good point, Frank. I am in no way suggesting that SAHMs are not working mums! I kind of took the soft option by going back to work! Plus, I earnt more than my OH, so it made sense.
I haven't meant to offend anyone at all, I have just found that when I do go to meet other mums, who are SAHMs, they can be a little bit unfriendly when they find out I work. I am not suggesting all SAHMs are like that, just some that I have met. I have tried organising meets with other parents at weekends, but often other parents aren't willing to meet then - places are busier, their OHs want to do non-child centred stuff etc.