I'm a mother - Is this it?

[weesagirl]

Hi, I've just joined here.
I have a beautiful daughter that I adore more than anything in the world. I knew I'd love her but I never expected to feel this depth of feeling for her.
She is 13 weeks old.

The thing is, I was a career girl and now my life revolves around feeds and nappies. I feel like a dried up, shrivelled up milk bar. I used to be fun, lively, sexy (well I had my moments!), and now I'm a mother.
Just when i think I've cried all my tears I just manage to squeeze a few more out

My partner is a good man, but works very hard and doesn't seem interested in feeding/bathing/changing her and I don't want to push him (although he always finds time to walk the dogs!).

Where from here? Will it always be this way?

[pindy]

sort of - but it does change

[Lonelymum]

No it won't always be like this: sometimes it will be a lot worse!

Seriously though, you sound like you might be a little hormonal which is entirely normal. Are you aware of feeling abit up one minute and down the next?

[flobbleflobble]

I think parenthood is often quite shocking - I had no idea what to expect myself, and i have changed a lot as a person! It's true that things change all the time as you go through the different stages of your child's life.

You will find your own unique way, just have confidence!

[weesagirl]

Lonelymum,

Yes some days I feel almost normal (what ever that is!) and some days I just feel awful and can't stop crying.

[Twiglett]

your hormones are crashing and stabilising and it will get better

are you planning to go back to work or do you want to be a SAHM?

you NEED to push your partner to feed / bathe / change her for the sake of THEIR relationship - if he has time when they're alone together (maybe just bathing) then that's when they will bond the most

[beansprout]

It is very intense at first and a real shock to the system but I understand that it does get a bit better (as a good friend keeps telling me!) and you will get a bit more of you back. It's a huge, huge change though, so please allow yourself some time to adjust.

[Twiglett]

tell your HV how you are feeling because you might need help with PND (which is perfectly natural development for many many women and also related to hormones so fixable with the right medication)

[HellKat]

Weas- Have a chat to your Hv. Sounds as though you may have a touch of pnd. We all have our down days but you need some help with your little dd to.Any chance you can have some quality time to yourself sometimes? Always helps with me. Even if it's just a long soak in the evenings. When you're on your own you get to lose the "Mum" tag for a little while

[Lua]

Hi there!
I am a mother and still somewhat of a career girl. Your message title though rang a bell with me, bacause I do feel like you a lot! So I do deeply sympathize, but I think the answer to your question is.... NO!

There are a lots of mums here and on real life that continue briliant careers and go out with friends, keep looking gorgeous, attend rock concerts and have romantic getaway to Paris!

How they do it? I don't know! but is definetely possible!!!!!

[Chandra]

We have been there, its difficult at the beginning, but it only gets better and better. In a couple of months you may be getting more sleep, your baby would become more interactive and before you realise you will be having so much fun with her that you wil dread the idea of going back to work Well, or at least you won't be very enthusiastic about it).

I agree with the rest, your DH should participate more for the benefit of their relationship and your marriage. Chidren require lots of time and attention, the more that you share responsabilities the better. Besides, sometimes we could do with few minutes away of the baby so, go and walk the dogs while DH takes care of DD.
Hope that helps

[ggglimpopo]

Message withdrawn

[Thomcat]

It will get better as your chld gets older and is able to give back to you.
In a few months time, or whenever, is it not possible for you to consider going back to work, at least part time?
Get out in the day with her more, join a baby massage couirse, or a sing and sign class, swimming etc.
Take her out to lunch, make things happen so that you don't feel like a 'milk bar'.
You don't have to push you DP but just nicely ask, please could he help put and bathe her tonight, or start with asking him to join you while you bath her etc. If he is really not pulling his weight then having a grown up calm chat about how you feel is not being pushy and you owe it to yourself to have that chat with him if things get any worse babes.
you're not alone. we're all here and you must come on and cry on our shoulders (as well as posting images of her and sharing fun storeis etx)
Lots of love TC xx

[crunchie]

Gat your dh involved, he can bath the baby while you take the dogs for a walk

The most important thing (and how I retained my georgousness/career/weekends in Blackpool ) is making sure you get time for you. This could mean joining a gym with a creche, getting a grandparent to babysit, getting dh to take over so you get a night out - whatever. This is so important otherwise you do end up with the 'just a mum' feeling.

Bear in mind men are c**p with small babies, they are broing in their eyes, they don't talk, they just eat, sleep, poo and sometimes cry. As a mum your hormones mean you just LOVE all that, but most men don't understand. DON'T try to be supermum, don't try to do everything JUST RIGHT. Try not to put pressure on yourself like this (career women are far more likely to do that as they are used to personal goals, pressure and doing things right) Motherhood doesn't just have one right way, it has many.

So, in short -
make time for YOU
make dh bath the baby (while you have a glass of wine) and DON'T whatever you do, watch over him and tell him he is doing it wrong - LEAVE THE ROOM AND LET HIM DO IT
Don't try to be perfect. Your brain is and will remain the consistancy of scrambled egg for a very long time. My kids are now 4 and 6 and finally I have achieved my goal of total multi tasking When i first went back to work I couldn't remeber my own name

PS have fun

[Mosschops30]

Message withdrawn

[HellKat]

well said TC!
I agree totally. It's great fun even just having a walk in some countryside etc or as Chandra said, you walk the dogs so you can you time.
Love that analogy of "Milkbar" Tc. So true lol. we've all been there.

[Thomcat]

And like Crunchie rightly points out lots of men are crap with tiny abies. My DP just wasn't sure what he was supposed to do with her, it just didn't come naturally to him at all and he still has to work at it at lot harder than I do.

Small babies are very cute but they are actually also very boring!

Make some entertainment for yourself and don't feel bad for leaving her to paly on a play mat while you stuff chocolate down your face while watching old black and white filsm, or put all thise spare pics into an album, or spend an hour making a huge spag bol to last you the next 6 months, or and chat on MN for hours on end

[Aragon]

weesagirl, I haven't read all the other replies you've had yet but just wanted to reassure you (as I'm sure everyone else has done) that you are normal. I remember thinking I'd never have any "me" time ever again when my DS (now 2.5) was tiny. I felt so exhausted all the time and I well remember that "shrivelled up milk bar" feeling.
Good news - it isn't forever. Motherhood definitely changes things but you will get you back. And men are generally crap with tiny babies (no offence to the Earth Daddys' here). My DH did very little in the way of changing/bathing etc. It took me a few months to realise that he was actually terrified of handling our DS in case he hurt him. That and the fact I'd been a midwife convinced him that I was the expert and he wasn't. He is brilliant with DS now though.
It will get better and no - it won't always be this way.

[weesagirl]

Thanks Guys. I have just joined a gym witrh a creche! Feel guilty about putting her in there so young but I have to do it as I love my exercise.
And.........he's taking her for 6 hours on Saturday so I can go flying!!

I was a career girl, and I do feel the pressure to do everything 'right'. so true.

[QueenFlounce]

Weesagirl - I felt exactly the same. I returned to work when ds was only 18wks old. I was SO determined to get my career back on track.... I fell to pieces with PND. Working 40 hours a week and having a baby that didn't sleep... coupled with the feelings of guilt that he was in Nursery. Anyway.... 3yrs later I had dd (now 10mths) and I was devastated at having to go back to work!!!! I now only work 4 days a week and feel much better about it.

I rebelled against parenthood! I wanted to be a Careerwoman With a Child.... instead of a Parent with a Career!
It does change though abd gets better. You've had lots of good avice here.... I think its a good idea to get your DH involved. He's probably just a bit nervous about handling a new baby.

[morningpaper]

Weesagirl:

I'd recommend reading:

• Dispatches from an imperfect life: or how I learnt to love the man, the house the child by Faulkner Fox and
  
  
• The Mask of Motherhood: Why becoming a mother changes everything and no one talks about it by Susan Maushart
  
  These don't offer any solutions but they will reassure you that your experience is sadly normal.
  
  I would recommend returning to part-time work when the baby is older, this has made me feel much more human again.
  
  Still no one ever looks at me as though I am a vaguely sexual being any more though.

[bootsmonkey]

All of these replies are so valid and I really know how you feel. I felt I struggled through the first year and cannot say I enjoyed it at all - motherhood was a huge shock for me! I didn't bond with my DD for at least the first six months. Looking back, I realise I had PND, but hid it very well. I missed out on the first year of my DDs life and feel quite sad about that now. You need to get your partner involved - can he not walk the dogs with your baby in a sling? Bathing is always a good thing for the daddy to do, giving you a well earned break at the end of the day - even if it is only to cook tea - I used to VANISH into the kitchen as soon as my DH came home! Never had peeling potatoes been so appealing!

I went back to work when she was 18weeks old as that was when my maternity leave finished, and I couldn't wait!

When my DD was a year old, I felt that a cloud had lifted and everything became easier. I don't know what triggered it - whether it was just my hormones settling down, rediscovering the joys of red wine (and relaxing) or just cottoning on that I didn't have to be super woman! However, I wish I had admitted that I neede to talk before then and got some advise - or discovered mumsnet!

Hope things get better for you soon. Try to enjoy the good times and remember - it's all a phase!

[crunchie]

weesagirl, don't feel bad about using a creche, I used one from 5 or 6 weeks in my local gym (I knew them and they were great). 13 weeks isn't that young - although it probably seems it. I am so glad your dh is having her for a few hours on Sat, that will really help your morale. Also as everyone says men are useless with small babes, the exception being my dh He had a better bond with dd1 than I did - she reacted to him first!!

[chipmonkey]

weesagirl, I've been there! There were days when I was still in my dressing-gown at 3pm an d when dh would come home and ask "how are you?" I would burst into tears. I think it was pnd but I didn't realise it at the time. I think I was really overwhelmed by motherhood, I had had no concept of how hard those first few weeks were and how guilty I would feel about going back to work etc. It does get better!

[beachyhead]

Flying - how cool are you!!!!!!

You're not just a mummy, you are a pilot and adventurer!!!!!

[yoyo]

Maybe your DH is anxious aout the baby and just thinks that you can do everything much better than he could. Perhaps you could suggest that he has a bath with the baby to get used to holding her whilst she's wet. My DH overcame his nervousness this way and was brilliant thereafter. It is an overwhelming time for both of you and he might not realise just how much you need his support especially when the onus of DD's care falls to you as you are feeding her too.

I found this period to be quite difficult as the elation wanes and the reality of responsibility around the clock kicks in. It will improve (although there will be bad days in the mix) as you move through all the stages.

Hope you have even a short bit of time to yourself soon even if it is only to walk the dogs. Look after yourself.