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so unhappy and i feel so guilty

(31 Posts)
bini Sun 29-May-05 20:48:42

i have just had my second son who is now 7 weeks old. my eldest is 3. I had a terrible pregnancy because i didn't feel ready to have another baby and because my husband was so unsupportive and irresponsible, spending a lot of time out or in the pub. I felt trapped then and still do. The birth was traumatic, resulting in an emergency c-section because the cord was wrapped around babys head about three times. He is a very unsettled baby, not surprisingly, and i feel so guilty for what i must have put him through while i was pregnant because of the stress i was under. I feel i should have done something about it.

I get so angry and tearful all the time now and i feel terrible because i know it affects my children. I feel so unsupported and alone. my husband is marginally more helpful and isn't in the pub all the time now but somehow it all feels as if it has come too late.
i feel resentful towards my children and guilty at the same time because it's not their fault and i take it out on my eldest which i feel so bad about because i love him so much and i don't want to hurt him or mess him up. i feel like i am failing as a mother. i don't feel connected to ds2 and it hurts so much. i am breastfeeding and not enjoying it. my baby feeds all the time and is never satisfied, i'm worn out but i don't want to give up bf because i think that will make me feel even worse.
my husband works quite a lot and is understandably tired, but he sleeps pretty much all the time if he isn't at work and i don't think this is fair. i haven't had a lie in for about 3 years yet he gets at least one a week. i am so tired at the moment because i am up twice in the night and then up at 6am for ds1. i do pretty much all the cooking, cleaning etc and everything that requires responsibility to be taken (money etc). i don't think i'm being unreasonable in wanting a bit of support am i?
right now i feel like walking out the door and leaving everyone behind, but i couldn't do that to my children. i feel so lonely and isolated.

bini Sun 29-May-05 20:56:44

also meant to say ds2 is so clingy and literally never lets me go. there is so much more i want to say but i just can't think straight right now and i am probably waffling anyway

RuthN Sun 29-May-05 20:59:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hunkermunker Sun 29-May-05 20:59:13

Oh, sweetheart - I don't have much in the way of advice, but I didn't want to leave your thread without giving you a big hug {{{{{{}}}}}}

Can you get your DH to take your older child out for the day so that you can sleep when the baby sleeps? Do you have any family nearby or friends you trust with your older DS? Is DS in nursery at all? Would that be an option, so you could have it a bit easier a couple of days a week?

hermykne Sun 29-May-05 21:00:15

bini
have you a good hv visiting you presently
your feelings are very natural thats not detracting from the problems but dont feel in any bad about yourself

its a realy difficult time , i would suggest just focus on the2 babies for now, try and have aa friend help u round the house, if dh is a nuisance and alot are, they just dont get what has to be done, then maybe have someone else suggest or ask him how things are going and point him the right direction.

jesus i knw how worn out u feel. have you got a friend to call even?

hermykne Sun 29-May-05 21:02:17

bini the elder will be terribly clingy for maybe the first 5/6 wks , my dd was , but ifyou try and get them to help u as much as they will - tantrums interfer or not doing it their way, he may come round sooner, my dd did , got nappies etc etc and i engaged her with the baby alot talking etc, its hard work i know but i think it helps

hunkermunker Sun 29-May-05 21:04:21

I heard a lovely thing about an older child who saw the baby's first smile - his mum had told him that when his baby sister was bigger, he would be the person she loved the very most - it eased the jealousy between them and when she smiled at him, he knew it was true! Can you try saying something like that?

bini Sun 29-May-05 21:50:41

thanks for the hug hunkermunker. ds1 is already in nursery ft but it is some distance away which doesn't help. i don't want to move him cos he is really settled. as for dh taking ds1 out for the day, everytime he is looking after ds1 there is always some major problem which i have to resolve between them. dh is more like a 3rd child. it's less sressful to have both kids by myself and no dh

hermykne, ds1 has taken brilliantly to ds2 and really loves him. it's ds2 who won't let me go. i have a sling which helps but sometimes i just want to put him down and be by myself for a couple of minutes. i literally can't even have a shower without him getting hysterical.

my hv is away sick and i haven't met her yet but i'm hoping she will be helpful when i do meet her.
i'm also finding this really hard cos we moved here quite recently and so all my close friends live a bit of a distance. i have friends locally but none with children. i would go to a mother and baby group but everything seems to be at a time when ds1 is around and he is far too old to bring with us.

jolly4 Sun 29-May-05 22:59:15

dear bini just want too say i know how you feel it will get better me gettin too the 16th week bf also have a partner that dosent see what we see too be done i got as low as possible the other day and i got too that numb feelin i got too my lowest point i needed too call docs ive ended up takin ad,s to my feeling failure bit but i needed help do you thgink you may need a little cruch too give you bit of lift i did look at mmsn other day and just couldnt get my head round typin this is killin me now my brain is overload an feel like you i hope it passes soon for you ,you need time out babe do you express?

hermykne Mon 30-May-05 07:44:55

bini
dont feel bad if u put ds2 in his cot crying whilst u have a shower, he has to get use to not being there all the time, 2nd time round for me, i just had to put him in it otherwise nothing would get done.
and its for all of 10mins, and he ll come to know that u do come back, same goes for in the kitchen or trying to hoover,
at 7/8wks now hes getting a little bit more aware so dont fret.

bini Mon 30-May-05 08:00:51

hi jolly4. i'm sorry you're feeling bad too but i'm so glad there is someone out there who feels like me. it makes me feel a bit more normal. the doc has prescribed me prozac but i really don't like the idea of taking it while i am bf cos ds2 is pretty much always feeding and pharmasist said leave it an hour after taking before feeding again. i just don't feel right about it somehow. i hope you're feeling better soon. maybe we should keep in touch as we seem to be feeling pretty similar?

jolly4 Mon 30-May-05 10:18:26

hi bini iwent too pictures last night with partner while mother i law looked after dsi and dd2 for 2 hours i did feel a bt freer and even thou it wasonly 2 hours it was good too have a break, but i am feelin really sad this morn as our two dogs killed our pet rabbit last nite the rabbit escaped out of cage so now we are all down and we were rehoming the dogs in 2 weeks cause of the rabbit i am so angryxxxx

hermykne Mon 30-May-05 13:14:43

bini
wha have u decided to do re partner, i'd really try not to use the prozac, esp as ur breastfeeding.

hermykne Mon 30-May-05 13:18:24

your doc should be giving u the info not the pharmicist, heres a link, please check it out and maybe do a bit of goggling
breastfeeding
prozac and breastfeeding

hermykne Mon 30-May-05 13:21:30

this is better, as it offers alternatives to prozac
drugs in breastfeeding

bini Mon 30-May-05 13:33:03

hi jolly4. i am so sorry to hear about your rabbit. what an awful thing to happen especially when you're feeling bad. i don't blame you for feeling angry.
i am feeling like sh*t today too. i feel so resentful that i have a second child and i feel terrible for feeling that way cos it's not his fault. but everything has changed and i wish so much that i was happy about it. at the moment i feel like leaving them both and just dissapearing, i feel so trapped. now i feel even worse cos ds1 has just come in and seen me crying and said "don't worry mummy, i'm here with you". i feel evil for feeling the way i do.

bini Mon 30-May-05 13:35:04

thanks hermykne. i will check it out cos i feel like i need something and i don't feel my doctor really has a clue what she is doing.

blueteddy Mon 30-May-05 14:34:49

Oh Bini, you sound EXACTUALLY like me 2 years ago.
I fell pregnant with ds2 while on the pill & was not sure about having another baby at all.
My H was very unsupportive throughout my pregnancy & I ended up with bad ante natal depression, to the point that I went into a kind of denial that I was pregnant at all.
When ds2 was born H was not present & when he did see him for the first time he showed no emotion whatsoever.
He didn't hold him until he was 3 days old & as a consequence I suffered with post natal depression & bonding problems with my new baby.
I confided in my HV, who put me onto AD's & arranged for me to have counselling.
H bonded with his baby after a little while & so did I.
I ended up taking it out on poor ds1 (who was then 3.5) & it was a horrible, horrible time.
I adore ds2 now & he is a happy well adjusted little 2 year old boy.
However I am still eaten up with guilt about the whole experience.
I really, really feel for you, as I know just how you are feeling.
Have you tried to talk to your HV?
I would not have got through it without mine.
Take care & feel free to CAT me.
I can empathise with you completly.

bini Mon 30-May-05 16:41:29

hi blueteddy. i have CAT'd you, thank you. could you smell your baby? you know that new baby smell? i just can't smell him and i remember ds1 smelling so strong and it being such a beautiful smell. i think that is one of the reasons i am finding it so hard to bond with him.

blueteddy Mon 30-May-05 19:20:22

I can't remember smelling him.
I was just doing the essentials for him, like feeding & changing him before putting him back in his baby chair.
I look back at photos of him as a tiny baby & really do not recognise that baby. It is so sad.
At times I was almost in a trance, staring at the TV but not actually watching it IYKWIM.
My heart goes out to you.

blueteddy Mon 30-May-05 19:37:13

I have recieved your CAT & will mail you.

jolly4 Mon 30-May-05 22:57:46

hi bini my doc prescribed ad they are dothiepin they are a triylic i read the thread on drugs when bf i know it is awful when u cant shake the feelings off but that is depression and even thou u tell yourself to stop it it dosent go i know that trance like state too i seem too have lifted a bit today , look forward too brighter days try too get out and as said can you talk too hv have u got baby toddler groups too go too ? my thoughts are with you

bini Tue 31-May-05 21:40:44

Hi jolly4. Hope you're feeling ok today. I am trying to find a baby group to go to in the mornings. ds1 is too old for toddler groups now so it limits things a bit to when he is at nursery. I have also been asked to take part in a post-natal depression research project at the hospital which means I will be going to some kind of support group & will be able to meet others in the same situation. I've got the first one tomorrow, I'm quite looking forward to it. They have someone to look after ds1 there too. Let me know how you are doing.

blueteddy Tue 31-May-05 21:51:22

Hi bini!
I have just mailed you back!
Glad to hear you are going to a group tomorrow.
That should be helpful for you.
Do you have any family that can help out?

bini Wed 01-Jun-05 21:40:20

Hi jolly4. just wondering if you are ok? If you are feeling low please CAT me if you would like to.

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