I Am Evil

[Broken1Girl]

This is so difficult to admit,but I'm really struggling to care for my darling cat.
I know I'm not well right now. I keep asking for help and getting dismissed.
Convinced cat has something badly wrong. I know she has fleas. I am now itching, no marks on me I can see, don't care about myself though.
I'm so evil.
I can't ask for help in case they take her away.
That might be best for her.
I should die.

[Broken1Girl]

Please do flame me. I deserve it.

[fuckmyfatlife]

Could you get her checked over by a vet? Might put your mind at rest and she could have an injection to help prevent fleas for six months.

[thecook]

Oh my love. Where do you live? I am in London.

When did you last give the flea treatment? What brand are you using?

Please ask us for help? xxx

[DioneTheDiabolist]

You are not evil OP. You are worried about your cat. And yourself. That's the opposite of being "evil".

[SooWrites]

There's loads of flea stuff you can buy online. I use Effipro, whcih I buy from VioVet. It works on mine but I've heard bad reports along with the good. Same can be said for the likes of Frontline et al that vets sell. It can be a case if trial and error when finding what works.

A few clicks and it's delivered to your door. No need for a vet, unless something else is worng? All animals get fleas, like kids with nits, it's not a sign of bad care, it's just one of those things.

Have you seen your GP? You are just as deserving of care as your cat more so imo but don't tell the cat lovers I said that

[TheHuffAndPuffALot]

Get a flea comb and a jug of soapy water. Comb cat and drop fleas into water. It's very satisfying :-)

[thecook]

How are you today love?

[PresidentOliviaMumsnet]

Hi Op

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Sorry for hijacking your thread and we really hope things start to look up for you and your moggy very very soon
Kindest wishes
MNHQ

[Broken1Girl]

Thank you all.
I put on an Advocate vial - much to Madam BrokenCat's displeasure - which I had from the vet ages ago. Think it has helped, she seems happier. I am useless at putting it on though, never feel it's properly on the skin, not fur. Madam struggles.
Will get a flea comb.
She needs her annual checkup and vaccs. It's overdue I am also concerned about a few things, I know it's my anxiety but would hate myself even more if I didn't get her seen. I get anxious about getting her in her carrier, and now think vet will judge me for being late with her check.
I feel so desperate. MH services won't help me. Crisis team came out to assess me, but didn't take me on. I want to survive and get better for her, but I don't know where to start.

[Broken1Girl]

I need help.
They won't take me seriously.

[dangermouseisace]

vet won't judge. He'll just see you as a responsible cat owner- many wouldn't take a cat for check ups etc.

Have you got anyone that could help you get cat in the carrier

[Broken1Girl]

Vet appt booked on Mon.
I don't have anyone. Well, my mum but she is toxic and would never let me forget it.
I don't know how I can make it to then anyway. I have a plan
My usual cat sitter is away. I'll just put out enough dry food.

[dangermouseisace]

brokengirl just because you have a plan, it doesn't mean that you have to follow it through. You need to take the cat to the vets on Monday, take it one day at a time. Even though the cat might not like getting in the carrier, it's for it's own good.

If you're feeling really suicidal it might be a good idea to see GP again- that really is a crisis. Or if you think you're going to do something go to A&E.

[FastWindow]

My dsis doesn't vaccinate her cats at all. The fact that you do, means you care, no matter if you're a bit out on the timings. Vets are happy to see you whenever.

Don't plan anything. Get the cat box out, and leave it in the middle of the main room. Put treats in it. Dont shut the door. Watch your cat have a look, they are so curious and greedy (excellent qualities in a cat!)

Spend all day tomorrow seeing if you can get your kitty interested in the carrier. Not making plans your cat won't like.

And make your own appointment with the gp. Make yourself clear. You are important. Xx

[FastWindow]

Oh and I can never get the Frontline on the skin either. The manufacturers/designers must not own cats!!! Sigh.

[Ricksheadtilt]

You don't deserve flaming. You deserve and need a hug, the evil people don't care. You do care, my dog is overdue on her check up. I'll sort it very soon as I'm sure you will for your cat/friend. Please keep talking rather than doing something desperate. You matter. Speak to your GP. Be honest. Get the help that you deserve. X

[Broken1Girl]

Thank you all.
I made it to the vet. Who made me feel like shit for being out with dates. And that she's a bit chubby. And basically in general.
Fast Madam is definitely curious and greedy
She actually got into the carrier well. She wailed all the way there and tried to escape through the vet consulting room window, which fortunately wasn't open
I love the feisty little twat darling so much though. I'm failing her.
I just feel everyone would be better off without me.
I've been to A&E a lot recently. Was referred to crisis team who wouldn't take me on. I am not allowed care until I attend a meeting because I complained, I'm scared. They hate me.
My plan is calling.
😢

[Broken1Girl]

I CAN'T seem to explain to them what's going on. I have tried writing it down and they just barely or don't respond.
I get images of harming myself or my fit baby - see I am bad.
They're not listening. They have their ideas of what I am. Which is evil. Maybe they're right.

[Broken1Girl]

I know I broke my darling cat.
I don't self-harm in front of her, get angry with her or anything, but she picks up that I'm struggling. She hides sometimes. I never want her to be scared of me but I feel like she is

[dangermouseisace]

Hi brokengirl you are not evil. I get thoughts about harming myself all the time if you're evil so am I! But I prefer to see thoughts as just thoughts...however they can often be unpleasant, unsettling, unexpected and alien to our deeply held beliefs/values. Thoughts don't have to be acted out- you have a choice.
Have you seen an advocate at all with regards your complaint meeting?

[Broken1Girl]

Thanks dangermouse
I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment too.
Yes, you're right that thoughts aren't reality. I try to just let them go.
I'm e-mailing an advocate, yes. They are setting up the meeting apparently. I'm just so done, they hate me. It won't change anything. They think because I'm alive I'm fine, I'm only just hanging on by my fingernails, they don't believe me or take me seriously.
I can't fight any more.

[dangermouseisace]

I'm glad you are getting help with the meeting. My exDH used to say that hate is a very strong emotion, and it is unlikely that anyone would hate you, particularly someone who barely knows you. Which is true. Also, I've worked as a 'professional' and I can confidently say, office wide, that there was no service user, nor carer that we 'hated'. Even people that were really horrible to us (I loved a bit of 'challenging behaviour' myself as it felt like at least I was earning my wages!). Any resentment, I can confirm, is purely reserved for managers…usually the high level ones…or commissioners who don't have a clue, and restrict services. They might get frustrated by your behaviour, depending on what it is, but they will never, ever, hate you, even if they say they can't help you. I used to hate telling people I couldn't help them. People don't get into that line of work because it is easy, or pays well, because it doesn't. They do it because they like human beings of all sorts, because they want to make a difference. Your life experiences might be causing you to interpret things in a more negative way than they really are. I hope your meeting goes well. Hang on in with those fingernails brokengirl

[Broken1Girl]

Nope, my fingernails are breaking and no-one is listening.
I know some people go into mental health work for good reasons, but it also attracts psychopaths who abuse the power. And, more, mediocre people who do an ok job most of the time, but believe the stigmatising crap they are fed about patients with the dreaded EUPD, get defensive if challenged in any way no matter how polite, and stand by when their bad colleagues abuse patients.
It happens. Mental health 'care' is toxic.
Look up malignant alienation.
I have been assaulted oh sorry 'restrained' (totally unecessarily) by nurses who had goaded me and knew exactly what they were doing, and accused of making it up by the psychiatrist and the complaints people.
I have been told I was crying crocodile tears, told I was stupid, treating me was a waste of resources, called manipulative (I wasn't).
And thanks for the implication but I have NEVER 'behaved badly' to them, sorry that's contrary to the EUPD stereotype.
I won't post again.

[Broken1Girl]

I am just sick of abuse by well,just about everyone, ever, and well-meaning people justifying it.
I can't get over the memories of those things, also police violence, calling me bitch, saying I was just attention-seeking.
My 'family' even hate me.
I'm not a person, I'm a freak abnormal thing that exists for others to take their issues out on.
I can't be that any more.
I don't have a choice. I am trapped in an existence that is hell. There is one way out.

[Broken1Girl]

Sorry, that was a rant. It wasn't at you personally, dangermouse.
Just struggling so much.