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Getting close to the end and nowhere to turn

(58 Posts)
OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Thu 07-Jul-16 01:27:18

I've tried seeking help, again and again. I now have a long history of seeking help but getting nowhere. Seems to be a paradox where they will only help if I am actively suicidal, but obviously then I wouldn't ask for help. confused Have been to GP within last week.

I feel like a burden, and that I musn't ask for support, and must present as others expect of me. And I feel like that because that is what I have been treated like. I don't think that's right, or at least I woudn't if it was someone else in this position, but that is the state of affairs.

GP has referred for ASD assessment at my request. But tbh it seems like he's so keen on that because he sees me as a weirdo (and clearly thinks I'm difficult). Certainly, he doesn't seem to understand or agree with anything else I say/try to explain. Seeing him or anyone about my mental health is massivey triggering for me, makes me feel so desperately alone, and this sort of feeling like I'm being suffocated and expected to smile sweetly and say "yes sir, no sir" and agree that they are right and I'm a despicable human who should know my place. I'm definitely doing something wrong by feeling all these pesky emotions and having nightmares and horrible overwhelming memories. It's my fault people have hurt me so badly. I shoud keep quiet and conform godammit! Again, I wouldn't treat someone else like this but it seems to be the accepted view of me and I'm supposed to accept that and somehow also not feel shite.

I'm scared of everybody. I can't cope with their expectations, and most relationships and friendships seem to reach a point where I feel massively scapegoated or like I just have to be what the other person wants. I've tried to work out where I'm going wrong, if it's me, but tbh I seem to keep at it trying to repair relationships (including friendships) when it's way past the point of being treated as a "lesser" human. I really treasure the few who haven't treated me in this way, but sadly do not live near any of them anymore (most are abroad - that'll teach me to encourage people to follow their dreams wink). I've been reading up about abusive relationships because I'm trying to break the pattern in my romantic life, and it's struck me that an awful lot of it is relevant in friendships too. But I feel like that with almost everyone! If I applied red flag crietria to friendships I'd be considered even more of a bitch by other people.

It's all so confusing, I feel sick not understanding. Perhas I am this awful person others seem to think? But everything I've read supports me just being traumatised, I have had some shitty bad luck/horrible cricumstances happen to me... But... I seem to be one of those people a few people love and value whilst the majority despise without it being clear why. People seem keen to think the worst of me, even if it involes distroting the truth or making stuff up, whilst others are given the benefit of the doubt.

I have had some therapy (privately) and it improved self-worth but if anything that made things worse as less willing to put up with stuff. Also it validated my position in a way which didn't resolve the underlying questions, possibly because I have just been horribly unlucky, but I'm not sure.

Gosh that was a lot of unexpected writing. The point is, I'm utterly alone right now, and feel I'm at the end. (Not seen anyone in weeks, have no good friends nearby, or even anyone I could see really.) I'm struggling with all the bad memories and just being totally overwhelmed and feeling hopeless because I couldn't stop the horrible things happening, because people who should have helped actively worked against me, because I still don't understand the things, and because people seem to slam doors in my face rather than explain. I want to talk about the things. I wish I could do that here but just get told to "seek help".

I just don't know how to effectively ask for help because if I do I instantly sort of clam up and feeling dreadfully guilty and either a terrible attention seeker or a horrible burden, depending on who I've opened up to (MH people/GP or friends). The only person who remotely understands and is a longterm friend I could potentially speak to has a hell of a lot on their plate right now. I called and ended up not really saying how I felt, just trying to be supportive. Whih felt good because friendship does, and I love this person to bits and want to help them, but it still leaves me increasingly more desperate and alone with all the memories and feelings and confusion and hopelessness.

But yeh, I can't seem to convey things properly because I've been "trained" by the very people who should help not to show emotion and to feel guilty and attention-seeking (comments about being attention seeking, manipulative, told won't spek to you until you've "calmed down" or stopped crying, that sort of thing). Even this post has been written in a weirdly detached way; Im actually in bits. If I genuinely tell someone how I feel, I freak out and withdraw inside myself instantly. I could write on here that I'm suicidal and if one of you rushed round to my house I would be mortified and my "smile and be personable" social conditioning would automatically click in, no matter how much I desperately needed to talk about stuff. I can do it, it's just that usually the other person is sort of trying to jolly you out of it, so it feels wrong to keep dragging the conversation back to "I need to discuss this awful thing".

I feel like my background suicide risk is going up rapidly, and I don't know how to convey it. It's like the more reactive "shit, everything is too much" suicide risk was higher when living through crap. Whereas now it's more the background hopelessness that increases day by day. Does that make sense?

OhStacey Thu 07-Jul-16 01:30:41

Hi

I'm here if you want to chat.

Why don't you take this post to the doctors. Show them this and see if that helps

Xxx

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Thu 07-Jul-16 01:34:45

ps. With regards the potential ASD - I can "do" socialising, and enjoy it (but do need time alone - although I have that in abundance now), I also seem to be if anything hypersensitve to nonverbal cues. It's part of how people could manipulate me so easily, I obey body langage before my brain has engaged. I suspect I may be "fucked up", possibly with ASD traits, rather than full ASD.

Also, I have no DC (yet. Another thing gnawing at me.)

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Thu 07-Jul-16 01:49:09

That's an idea Stacey. I'm just so worried that they wouldn't understand and would turn it againstm e as "evidence" of "distorted thinking" or something. Also they won't admit services ever did anything wrong and have previously used it against me saying that it means I obviously can't have a working relationship with them. They just do not seem to understand at all, and defienitely don't seem to do well with trauma.

LouisCK Thu 07-Jul-16 23:10:27

This seems very familiar - have you posted here before OP?

OhStacey Fri 08-Jul-16 09:56:01

How are you feeling now?

mylovegoesdown Fri 08-Jul-16 14:33:23

I was wondering where you were OP and was about to post asking about you. It was probably wise to NC but I'm glad you're still around. I was worrying about you.

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Fri 08-Jul-16 18:31:36

I don't think I'm whoever you think I am mylovegoesdown confused

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Fri 08-Jul-16 18:35:44

I can't get any support from anywhere. Im just a bad person who should be fine. I'm not ill i'm just shit. I wish i could have been like the other people and been loved and wanted and not the one who's treated worse and somehow fundamentally shit and unwanted despite actually treating others nicely.

RandomMess Fri 08-Jul-16 18:43:03

I don't think I can help you, but I do want you to know that you are far from along. So many people are out there that seem to be doing okay but underneath battling away, fighting for long term help to get proper internal change and well just not getting far sad

It does feel like a complete postcode and GP lottery sad

flowers

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Fri 08-Jul-16 18:46:14

There's nothing anyone can do anyway.

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Fri 08-Jul-16 18:47:32

Yeh but in th very real way of being alone for weeks I am alone. I vant bear the pain alone anymore

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Fri 08-Jul-16 18:53:17

i've tried the crisis team and its made it all worse

Sellingyesterdaysnews Fri 08-Jul-16 18:57:40

Is it worth trying another therapist who might be able to make you feel better and be kind to yourself. I don't think a counsellor would be any good, but an experienced clinical psychologist maybe with holistic or compassionate mind therapy.

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Fri 08-Jul-16 19:54:18

priavte therpaists wont touch me without other support that i dot have

i have no energy left.im a worhtless burden and dont desrve help im sjut hsit and must die

tried calling crisis team she expects me to explain why i think i might have autism and when i explained i cant do that now, i cant think stright to explain all the detail of why i think i might be on the spectrum. Brain not working , too coplctaed to explain, i try to tell her. she just get cross saying well you phoned us for help.. She also obsessed with asking whats hppened to make me feel so bad, she didnt seem to understand its gradual dowhill, life too much, not an event. I firmly repeat, my brain isnt working i cant explain it all now, she then sayis im "shouting and screaming" no, i wasnt even raising voice just saying firmly i cant talk about that now. Assertiveness doesnt work with the they want complete control and obedience.
ended up alling police, so frightened trying not to hurt self.
they hve been and gone, tirga team says "ring your gp" i have eplained againa nd again its not workig. im typin this to try t give self time, im so scared and alone, there really is owhere to turn i dont know how to live another day, i just a watse of everyones time , im so sorry

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Fri 08-Jul-16 19:56:19

and police gong on about trying to take up new hobby or somthing, no-one sems to understnd its way beyond that now. alreayd have plenty of hobbies but doest stop the pain, the ightmares and memories, draggin myelf to even pop to the shop, hey dont understand i have tried for so long t make it better, suggesting i get a hobby just makes it more hopeless, i know no one understands and there is literally owhere to turn

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Fri 08-Jul-16 19:58:45

why dont they understand?
why do they suggest stuff ive treid for years, im not stupid. How do i explai that after trying all the stuff theyre suggesting for years its not better and that is exactly why i feel so hopeless now. they act like im just a bit sad and not managing it properly, they dont get that i manage al the time, ive not spoken to anyone for weeks because there snt anyone, im shit and should be dead, they make that clear to me, im ot tlike the others,

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Fri 08-Jul-16 19:59:04

so i want to tell you all about it all

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Fri 08-Jul-16 20:01:18

i reported a rape yesterday, they were nice then. why not today? why did he get way with it. i was only 18 he was 30. he was abusive and chased young vulnerable women... i was the first so no pattern to spot though. no-one told me it was wrong. He chucked me out the car and drovve off, left me in middle of nwhere few times. It hurts. i tried to ask for help because i kept crying and couldnt keep job. they said i was atenton seeker and didnt treat "people like you".

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Fri 08-Jul-16 20:03:29

I had landlord used to seel coke on the side and now and then appear trying to hassle me to sleep with him. i thought he was good landlord on the whole as mainatined property and let me live there even on housing benefit. I feel so frightened like i cant protect myself from all the abusive men out there. when i needed help or advice there was none. I was always told i was waste of time, must obey and please others. Powerless. So powerless against it all. im so frigtend

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Fri 08-Jul-16 20:04:40

and the horrible men are always popular and so i cant say anything, two nearby have groped me repeatedly after being told to stop, one in articlar was horrible manipulative situation, feel sick thinking of it, cant say anything cos he poular me not

RandomMess Fri 08-Jul-16 20:06:16

I have been through the mill with the MH service and seen some poor counsellors/therapists who made things worse.

This may sound off the wall but I wonder if trying hypnotherapy may work for you to get you into place where you are less "stuck" for now. It seems that it triggers such a strong response in you that it is completely overwhelming?

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Fri 08-Jul-16 20:07:54

theewas violent man landlady moved in. police wouldnt arrest him due to MH issues, mH team wouldnt help as said he had to call. concil woudnt help rehouse me if no police reprt and even when he attcked my bofriend, boyfriend wouldnt make statement to polie so they acted like i was making it up.

i cant have a ealtioship cos men try to ontrol me and get violent.

i cant make friends cos i am too fucked. i though i was ok but world says no your not.

my dad used to shout always. it wouldnt stop. i tried to be good enough never was. feel bad writing that. sorry

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Fri 08-Jul-16 20:08:17

people cnt be trusted, im frightened

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Fri 08-Jul-16 20:09:08

srry random, what trigers reponse?

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