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Finally ask for help... told "you'll cope"

(39 Posts)
Triggles Sun 31-Jul-11 19:17:34

Finally worked up the nerve to say something about how stressed and upset I've been to the nurse practitioner at our surgery. What did she tell me? "you'll cope... you're strong... women always cope..."



madmouse Sun 31-Jul-11 19:42:49

I'm sorry she was so insenstive sad

but <sorry>

did you actually ask for help?

Triggles Sun 31-Jul-11 19:48:53

yep... told her I didn't know what to do, that I felt out of control, that I felt just as awful as I did when having PND after DS3 was born, but up until now I was afraid to ask for help...

natsyloo Sun 31-Jul-11 20:20:11

Ridiculous advice. It really enrages me how inconsistent medical advice is re: PND and MH.

It took me a couple of goes to get the support I needed so I urge you to book another appt.

I distinctly remember speaking to a nurse abnd explaining my low mood (I'm pretty self aware and knew I had PND) and she said "Please don't take the tablets, try and get by without them."

Complete and utter nonsense. Please don't be afraid, help is out there xx

Triggles Sun 31-Jul-11 20:25:46

I'll be the first to admit that I'm afraid to ask for anti-d's. DH is on them for depression, and having to cope with his issues I think is a lot of what is dragging me lower. We are dealing with a lot of debt. My father died 4 months ago (lived abroad) and I was unable to go to the funeral. One of our DCs has SNs, and between all this I just feel like I'm responsible for EVERYTHING. It's paralysing sometimes, and other times just overwhelming. I worry that with one parent already on meds for depression, if I get put on them as well, that ss will get involved, and I just couldn't cope with the pressure of that. The children are well taken care of, but I just couldn't handle more things to deal with right now.

madmouse Sun 31-Jul-11 20:29:09

I'm sorry Triggles you clearly did ask for help. Can you make an appointment with the GP instead?

What a rubbish nurse - very different from my experiences with them angry

Triggles Sun 31-Jul-11 20:31:18

Yes, I'll have to make an appointment with a GP there. I need to avoid one in particular, as she was dreadful regarding our son with SNs, and I rather blew up at her in the office. blush I was already at high stress levels then and struggling and to have her look at DS and say "well, clearly he's not normal.." was just too much for me at that point.

sigh... I hate this....

Triggles Sun 31-Jul-11 20:33:32

I also get so tired of people saying "oh you are so together and organised... I don't know how you cope!"

argh!!! I'm not!!! I'm struggling!

surely SOMEONE should see that?

Triggles Sun 31-Jul-11 20:33:56

and it makes me feel guilty that I am struggling...

madmouse Sun 31-Jul-11 20:34:47

FWIW our brilliant GP put me on ADs even though my dh is already on them and no one mentioned anything about our parenting let alone suggest social services.

I'm off them again as I reacted badly to them, but it would not have raised concern as far as I can tell. And rightly so, our ds is happy and well-cared for and has plenty of professionals around him who can testify to that (has SN as well)

madmouse Sun 31-Jul-11 20:35:12

Triggles your mask is far too good sad

podsquash Sun 31-Jul-11 20:35:35

Wow, sounds like you have been let down by the surgery so far. don't blame you for hating it. Do make an appointment with the GP, one that you think might not be useless!

Triggles Sun 31-Jul-11 20:40:23

I refused to go in when I had PND (only because the HV was determinedly insisting I had it within 2 days of giving birth - which was ridiculous as I actually felt pretty good then, although tired, and she was really snotty about it), but I know I should have been on meds at the time. It was horrible (god, the thoughts that were roaming my head were unreal), and I'm not even sure I completely pulled out of it, but at least felt less awful for awhile - or maybe I just had so much on my plate I couldn't stop to think about how I felt. I don't know...


madmouse Sun 31-Jul-11 20:50:01

Your mask is the bit of you that you show to the outside world, the one that makes everyone believe that you are so good at coping.

Very common among struggling women and in particular mums of SN children.

Mine dropped very dramatically a few years ago. Friends got to know the real me and I got a lot of support.

Triggles Sun 31-Jul-11 21:00:44

I used to work an incredibly high stress job. There's no reason why I shouldn't be able to deal with this. It would be incredibly embarrassing to let people in general see that I'm this stressed. And as DH is clinically depressed, I'd feel like people would think I was just being stupid. I've always been the one to say "don't be ridiculous, just pull yourself together" to myself when I've been a bit stressed, as it's what my parents always said.

I can't afford to fall apart. I don't have time. I have too many things to do, and god knows the DCs are reliant on me, as DH is not any help at all emotionally, and rather erratic - very shouty lately and doesn't relate very well to the children right now. It's like living with a perpetually stroppy teenager.

Triggles Sun 31-Jul-11 21:04:39

I feel physically ill at the thought of having to speak to someone at the surgery again, to be honest. I detest crying in front of people, very embarrassing. And I know I'll break down again and cry (did when speaking to the nurse). I just want it to go away so I can get on with things.

madmouse Sun 31-Jul-11 21:10:22

I used to work as a team leader of a team of lawyers in busy law centre struggling along on Legal Aid funding. Presented cases in Court, dealt with screaming clients and disciplinary issues among staff and everything in between. Very high octane and stressful. Somehow doesn't make me immune to anxiety over ds's health and everything else that comes floating past.

You are not helping yourself by getting angry that you can't cope with life the way you do with work.

natsyloo Sun 31-Jul-11 21:13:22

There's nothing wrong in asking for support. You're putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself..urging yourself to 'pull yourself together' is a common feature of PND. You're poorly and you need support, it's that simple.

I too am a 'coper' - so struggling with PND was incredible humiliating in all sorts of ways. Hand on heart, since I 'came out' with it all (and I just told my story in the press in a bid to raise awareness of PND) I feel a million times better because I know I'm helping other mums who are suffering in silence.

It doesn't have to be this way. Getting help is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of courage and strength. You deserve to be happier. Good luck.

Triggles Sun 31-Jul-11 21:14:38

I know. I'm just so took me months to work up to saying something, and now I just feel like what's the point if they're just going to say "you'll cope" ??

SnowWoman Sun 31-Jul-11 21:16:46

Your last post really got to me Triggles.

On 30th June this year I was lying in our local A&E wired up to god knows what sort of monitor thinking "I haven't got time for this", having been blue-lighted in with chest pain and a suspected heart attack. Turns out it was stress, exhaustion, depression, whatever. Like you, the face I showed to the world was someone who coped with everything that was thrown at me, except I wasn't really but nobody was listening.

I'm currently waiting for counselling and 1:1 CBT or similar. I have found the website Living Life to the Full very helpful just in working out what has got me into this state, but it is of course very early days. The web address is

Please take good care of yourself - something I wish I had taken the time for before all this happened.

Triggles Sun 31-Jul-11 21:24:21

when DH went in for help, they popped him on meds, and referred him for "phone counselling"... it took over 3 MONTHS for them to help him, even though they said his level of depression was extremely serious. The phone counselling was ridiculous... the counsellor spent maybe 5 minutes on the phone and then gave him homework to do - writing down everything that stressed him out the minute he felt stressed - not something you can do with children "don't move for just a minute as I'm stressed and need to write it down". After 3 "phone sessions" which were all very short and equally useless, the counsellor said he seemed much better - which was sooo not true. They've since upped his meds TWICE. They've refused to give him any other type of counselling or help as they said that's all they can offer.

I'll look at that website.

Chocattack Sun 31-Jul-11 22:32:10

I hate it when this happens so sorry it happened to you. Definitely go and see a gp and keep pestering until you get the support you need. But I think you need to be specific and realistic. You say you are afraid to ask for ads but would you take them if your gp prescribes them? I only ask because if what happened to your dh happens to you then 3 months is a long time to wait for counselling. Will you be able to cope in the meantime?

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn Mon 01-Aug-11 06:42:14

I know. I'm just so took me months to work up to saying something, and now I just feel like what's the point if they're just going to say "you'll cope" ??

I had pretty much the same experience, dh had been on and on at me to see the gp. Finally went and his reponse was to make sure my mum and dad didn't see how I was feeling. (Basically my dad had cancer and been poorly from when dd was a couple of months old after two years told defo terminal nothing they can do). So you can imagine how keen I was when mw asked me to see him a couple if weeks ago. It did effect what I told him. Which I am confused about but mw is being great.

Please see a different gp, that's what I am going to do if I need to see someone again. Is there one that knows you a bit better? My mw was concerned cause she knew me, I'd built myself up to talk to her and when I went to my appt a different one was there and she basically said well you've been through a lot and not had an easy pregnancy. But when handing back to my mw she must have said something cause she knew straight away that's not right for me iyswim.

LoveBeingAtHomeOnMyOwn Mon 01-Aug-11 06:44:14

Just an idea but could you maybe write it down, might help if you are concerned about crying, wish I'd done that. Ps I'm a cryer myself.

orangeflutie Mon 01-Aug-11 12:35:51

Writing things down is a brilliant idea. I have to do this myself as I forget what I need to say and get myself in a muddle. I also cry and don't like it much either but I think my doctor is used to it.

A good doctor should be able to see through any 'front' you put on. I can't fool mine. Try not to worry about it all too much. You've been coping with a lot for a long time and are doing really well, you just need a break.

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