Is it unreasonable to think we have a life too

[Happyhappy011]

Help!! I really need your honest opinions as I am beginning to think myself and DH are complete horrors. MIL and FIL live about an hour and half drive away. So when visiting it really takes up the whole day as 3 hours in car alone. One SIL lives two and half hours away and the other SIL lives in the doorstep. Myself and DH work 6 days a week each. We are not rich but not poor and have a fairly ok lifestyle due to the fact we work hard (we have to) I sometimes work 7 days a week. MIL wants us to visit every Sunday, our only day off. At the moment we go every other week and have one week where we can lie in, go shopping, lunch, see my parents, our grandchildren etc. MIL also wants DH to take annual leave to visit and makes him feel very guilty. Honestly, should we go every week on our day off? Are we being completely selfish and unloving by wanting some down time and ‘us’ time. Local SIL is unemployed by choice and visits most days but is literally a stones throw away

[thesandwich]

It is not unreasonable!!!
You deserve your own life. What does she need? If it’s things doing, support her to get help to do it. Protect your boundaries.
YANBU!!!!!!!!!!!!🌺🌺🌺

[MereDintofPandiculation]

No, you can't maintain that. Even one day a fortnight isn't enough downtime for you both. You'll end up resenting them. and that defeats the object.

Could you perhaps skype or send a letter once a month, and visit once a month?

Just as a comparison, I used to visit my parents once every 2 months, although that was for an entire weekend. Then when my DF came to live 1/4 mile from us, I started with a weekly visit supplemented by daily emails, and never got further than 3 times a week (although I would have visit more if I could just "pop in", but I never managed to get away in less than 2 hours).

[Happyhappy011]

Unfortunately Skype is out of the question. They do not have internet access and wouldn’t know how or even want to do it. We do phone every single day, often twice. And they have help in that Carers go in 4 times a day plus SIL goes in most days with shopping, cooked dinners etc. They just feel that my DH, there son, has a duty to visit at least once or twice a week and say things like “can’t you sacrifice your Sunday” or “we looked after you growing up”. I just feel like a really horrible DIL by saying it is not physically possible and we do need our own quality time. They also want DH to take annual leave from work to visit!! I am banging my head against the floor as I write

[Happyhappy011]

So sorry to rant but I really need to get this off my chest! SIL is now saying that when we visit we have to stay most of the day rather than just 2 or 3 hours!

[fedup21]

They can want it to happen, it doesn’t mean it will though.

What does your DH think?

[fedup21]

SIL is now saying that when we visit we have to stay most of the day rather than just 2 or 3 hours!

Again, she can say whatever she wants, but that doesn’t mean it has to happen. Say no.

[JontyDoggle37]

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. I’ve just lost my mum, but she was a terror for wanting me always available and expecting I basically existed to sort her life out. I pushed back hard, she grumped and got over it.

[HollowTalk]

How old are they and how capable are they?

[Horehound]

No fucking way would i do this. Id drop it to 1 visit a month.

[funkylittleboatrace]

Not saying it's the best idea BUT my own mother fibs to my Nan about what days she is working, otherwise my Nan expects my mum on a day off to go see her and spend the whole day running errands.

[RippleEffects]

Utterly unreasonable to visit all of your downtime and family time. I don't think I'd be impressed if DH used his leave on things beyond the DC's needs.

Your SIL may however, need some emotional support if shes local and receiving the same blackmail. Does she see your fourtnightly visit as her one day off a fortnight and if it's less than a day she's expected to go in that day too?

I hate the we did x, y, z for you argument. They made a decision to have children. I don't think it's your obligation to sacrifice your lives for them.

Don't wait until it blows up. You and your DH need to sit down and really go through the options here. Not trying to be morbid but is their health in rapid decline or is this going to be a longer term issue?

Could a more supported living environment be more appropriate all round?

[jellybeanteaparty]

One longer visit per month rather than weekly ?

[Banjodancer]

Why do neither of you have two days off a week? That is unusual in itself, and would help with the problem if you worked a little less (asking as you did say you are ok for money)

[Happyhappy011]

I totally understand what you are saying. However we are only ‘ok’ and by no means well off. By working 6 days a week it means we can have a holiday etc. If we both worked 5 days it was cover the bills, food car and not much else. Our 6th day is to have a few luxuries and a little left over. Our bank account is overdrawn but not in a way that we cannot eat. I wish we could only work 5 days - it is our choice not too as we believe in working hard playing hard etc.

[Happyhappy011]

The local SIL does it by choice as they choose to be unemployed. They also ‘rinse’ MIL and FIL or DLA/PIP so I am reluctant to feel sorry for them. We have said many times why don’t we use the DLA for a cleaner and shopper etc but I am accused of interfering so I backed off of that one about 2 years ago!

[Mammajay]

Once every 6 weeks maximum I would say.

[Thistly]

Yanbu

Sounds like you are on the end of the phone a lot which takes up headspace too.

As long as you are consistent with the support and company you are offering it’s fine.

[HeyMonkey]

I'd say once every 4-6 weeks is perfectly reasonable.

Of course you shouldn't have to spend your only free day a week with them.

[RippleEffects]

Seeing your update I think I'd work out whats reasonable by dividing up my free time between each of my relatives including DH. So each grandchild, child, sibling. Then they get their fair share.

Not suggesting you spend all that time with each relative but that is a logical division of your time to mentally justify to yourself what's reasonable. That's always my issue, establishing what feels fair and comfortable to me. Once I've worked out something that's logical to me I can stand by that decision.

I hate chat phone calls and think I'd be limiting those too, unplugging the phone regularly. Headspace is right, it's very intrusive when you need wind down time.

[Daddylonglegs1965]

It sounds like their is no pleasing your IL’s.

[Happyhappy011]

They are so hard to please and can be really nasty to both of us. Then they apologise but say it all again a few days later! Many a day have I been left in tears by it all. My DH is the sweetest man but that means he won’t ever say no. We are constantly trying to keep the peace.

[redexpat]

Well that last update takes you into a whole other ball game. This is the movie of YOUR life, and you are the director. YOU decide what happenson your day off. I guess that your DH is in the FOG so maybe get him the Susan Forward book toxic parents.

What would happen if you didnt keep the peace?

[SummerInTheVillage]

If they have carers going in 4 times a day then they obviously need a lot of support.

Maybe broach the idea of cleaners again.

But your DH should do his fair share, it sounds like it won't be for long.

[Happyhappy011]

By not keeping the peace I guess we would all fall out, including with the SIL’s. I wouldn’t want that as my DH wants them in his life and I would hate for him to be upset. I really wanted others opinions in case I was just being a cow by thinking every week is too much!

[greenwaterbottle]

I think whatever you do they won't be happy, so just do what will make you happier. Do one nice visit a month or 6 weeks.