Hi everyone,
Am a bit at my wit's end and could do with any thoughts or advice anyone can think of.
I'm a Working At Home Dad who looks after my gorgeous one-year-old daughter and works like a Trojan writing and sub-editing to pay my half of the bills around little one. I also do the cooking, laundry and housework as, well, I'm at home and it'd be a poor show if I didn't.
My wife is self employed (as am I) and works full time. The way things were planned was that I would go freelance and look after bab at home while my wife went out to work.
It's a tremendously difficult task trying to fit in any work around a little child as naturally she comes first, and work a distant second, but I manage to pay my way, keep the house reasonably well and ensure everyone is fed healthily.
The problem is that, to put it bluntly, my wife is a bloody nightmare. Nothing I do around the house is ever quite right for her - and when I do things the way she prefers, the goalposts get moved to a different way. She's scared my friends away by yelling and swearing at them so they won't come and visit, she wants to control what I eat and drink, yadda yadda yadda. I go balls out to keep things how she likes them and placate her, but it's never enough. I have to provide emotional support for everything, but when I need some she jumps down my throat, kicks me in the nuts and gives me a whole load more shit to deal with.
Now, keeping housework and kids in good order is a challenge in itself (as the Mums on here will confirm), but bringing in a decent income too is sodding hard, and I think I'm doing a very good job of things. If I say that even the Mother-in-Law sings my praises - and she'd be the first to say if she thought I wasn't - you get the idea.
Frankly, I've had enough of the crap I'm getting from OH. I've tried talking to her and asking for a little respect and appreciation but just get told to stop being over-sensitive. I'm really at the point now where I can't see a solution other than separation but I don't want to lose my daughter, and I don't want to deprive her of the chance for a normal happy family life.
Any thoughts on what I can do, short of telling OH to eff off?
Cheers,
Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.
Dadsnet
SAHD with hyperpicky and controlling wife (Sorry this is long)
Andrewr · 06/08/2010 11:47
Working, looking after a one year old as well as doing all the housework and cooking is TOO MUCH for anyone but this isn't what you complain about. You complain about your OH's attitude.
Hmmmm.
I am sure there is something in that, but not sure what 
Perhaps you are overtly seeking lots and lots of praise and OH feels like you should just get on with it? Thousands of wives do. It's not right though.
My advice:
- get an au pair to play with DD for a couple of hours a day and do some light cleaning.
- um, make sure she is pretty and she could also provide you with some adoration and solace when OH shouts.
Well she sounds totally unreasonable.
Just guessing, but maybe the way she sees it, you get to have your cake and eat it: maintain a satisfying career and bring in some money, while also spending precious time with your daughter, while for her that is not an option? She might be thinking 'he's got exactly what I want, and still he's not doing it right'
I think you need to chat properly about it. If MIL is around, get her to take DD for a while so you have the space to talk freely.
I have been SAHM, WAHM, WOHM and my DH been SAHD at various times. It is difficult to get it right and the person at home, I think, is less likely to be praised for their work on the house, the children etc than the person in work. I can't believe you are managing to keep up housework, childcare and a job with a 1 year-old. With me, something's always had to give. Normally the housework 
.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
Yet again MN answers completely differant becasue the OP is a man
If a woman had posted this she'd have been told about emotional abuse, given phone numbers for Women's Aid and other helplines and told to pack a bag. All by three posts down.
OP... You need to sit her down and tell her exactly what you told us in your first post, including the fact that as things stand the only things stopping you from leaving is your dd. If that doesn't shock her into realising there's a significant problem hen not much will.
At the end of the day, whether her problems are depression or jealousy related, guilt becasue of an affair, stress related or just a down right nasty personality disorder there is no excuse for a grown woman treating another human being the way she is and it's time you stopped putting up with it.
What is she like with your dd? Is she a loving mother or is she snappy and imaptient with her too?
Ok, so you do not actually have DD whilst you are working . That makes more sense.
So how does it work in the evenings? Your DW arrives home from work at , what, say 7pm. Who puts DD to bed and bathes her and gets her clothes ready for the next day? Who cooks? Does your DW literally sit down with her feet up expecting supper on a tray or is she actually really busy all evening too, tidying up, putting away washing and getting some time with DD? If the latter, then perhaps that is why she is tetchy - she is bloomin' tired. Who gets up in the night?
It is very easy imo to underestimate how much work there is to go round and to imagine that you are doing more than your fair share and are unappreciated for it. Perhaps you and your DW need an evening together a week (DD to MIL) when you concentrate on relaxing together and talking about the week. Babies are very stressful and it sounds like you are BOTH taking on too much to the extent that you are putting your own relationship under strain.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.