I was reminded 'Well at least you've already got a child' today, took the wind out of my sails.......

[Norfolkbumpkin]

I was chatting with a friend today about out problems conceiving, and in a friendly/sympathetic tone she stated the immortal lines......I honestly thought it was an urban myth that people said 'well at least you've already got a child'. It just knocked me for six and I was totally lost for a response. How are you supposed to react/follow on from this statement?? I felt (and still feel) a bit miffed.

[activate]

I was told this by a doctor after secondary infertility with ttc second child about 16 years ago. Ignore it

If it helps I now have 4

[Bonsoir]

I think it is quite right for doctors to relativise their patients' issues.

[SofaKitten]

Hmm well I've been guilty of saying that. I got pregnant before my friend. First miscarriage. She then had her first child at about the time of my second miscarriage and has been trying for 6 months for her second child. I've been trying for 5 years for my first.

[Miasma]

It took me 2 and a half years and 3 miscarriages to get my dc2 and I can't see what's wrong with being reminded to be to be thankful for what you have.

Good luck ttc :)

[activate]

" Bonsoir Sun 10-Oct-10 14:03:37

I think it is quite right for doctors to relativise their patients' issues."

In this way lies the whole "Pull yourself together there's people suffering far worse" school of medicine. And that is wholly wrong. Each person should be treated as an individual even if you've just given your previous patient a terminal diagnosis, if your next presents with something that worries or pains them there is no relativity there.

I have a serious brain condition, I have had medics try to comfort me by tellng me that I'm in relatively good condition compared to others, that I'm lucky or fortunate. For some this might work, for me it is hurtful and irritating.

I cannot agree that relativising any condition to personal or other's circumstance is a fit method of patient care

[activate]

Comments like this are only helpful to the person who makes it - not to the recipient. It is filling an uncomfortable pause in conversation with a patt and unhelpful comment.

[bunnymother]

I agree that relativising is neither helpful nor kind. It is up to the patient to do that - they will reach that conclusion when they are ready. Sometimes people just need sympathy and understanding until they can feel grateful/ appreciative for what they have. And I say this as a healthy, optimistic person.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

I agree that everyone is an individual and should be treated as such.

However, I believe that the pain of not being able to conceive a second, third, fourth, tenth or whatever, child, is in no way comparable to the pain of not being able to have children at all.

As much as I'd love to have a second, I know the fact that I have one DD has brought me more joy and fulfillment than I could have ever imagined.

And if I can't have a second, I'm sure I will not be as grieved as if I could never have had any at all.

[3thumbedwitch]

as someone who has been on the other end of the 'doctor relativising' shit, I can say that it is utterly insensitive when you have just had a MC to be told that, since you already have a child, you might as well stop trying because you're too old [at 42] and be grateful.
Bastard.

However - slightly different when it is random person who may or may not have had their own troubles.

[activate]

But Getdownyouwillfall - that is your perspective not everyone's

some people may well feel that you know exactly what you might be missing if you can't have a second much longed-for child that it is more real because you have already made the adjustment to parenting.

Are we tell them differently

[SofaKitten]

I think you've got to be sympathetic to the other persons feelings on the issue when having a conversation with a friend.

With a doctor it is a completely different situation.

[GetDownYouWillFall]

yes it is my perspective - by posting here you are inviting people's opinions, and that is what I gave.

[SofaKitten]

Wot she said!

[fedupttcnosuccess]

Norfolkbupmkin:Ignore it, she probably meant well, in her own way. To dwell on it will give you more pain. It's not worth it.
Activate: i agree these types of comments can be hurtful and people need to be careful before oopening their mouths. We have been ttc our first with no luck for 24 months now. may consider ivf in new year privately. just out of interest, and sorry for hijacking the thread... how did you manage to overcome secondary infertility:through medical intervention or naturally? all tips gratefully received! congratultions on your 4dcs, who will be more loved and wanted than they will ever realise(probably)!

[activate]

clomid between 1st and 2nd. after 2nd pregnancy had no problems conceiving again. I think my hormonal balance was just different after each preganncy and after first it went a little screwy is all

[SofaKitten]

But what if the friend the op was talking to has had major problems conceiving her first? Shouldn't the OP have thought before opening her mouth and thought that her comments might have been hurtful?

Just playing devil's sdvocate slightly...

[fedupttcnosuccess]

well i'm pleased that you were diagnosed so well. we have been diagnosed with the umbrella term:unexplained infertility (both of us had all the tests), therefore clomid ruled out, especially considering that cycle is 28 day text book regular, ovulate without fail on 14/15th cd. oh well, ivf, here we come!the real issue here may be our ages, we're no spring chickens, he's 43 and i'm 40. can't have it all can we? should have thought of having children and not career, priorities were completely in the wrong place. only ourselves to blame. thanks for your swift reply hon xxxx

[bunnymother]

Of course it is all everyone's perspectives, but when amongst friends can we not be kind to each other and allow each other to feel their own grief/disappointment and arrive at a realisation of relativism when we are ready?

[activate]

the whole of human communication is based on your own perspectives. I don't think we do think of others when we comment on many occasions particularly when we rely on cliches (whcih are only cliches because in many situations they happen to be true)

I've been affected by other's reaction to my condition. I think any converstaion, even if clumsy or mis-spoke is better than avoidance and it is those people who try who I am grateful to

if that makes sense?

[onimolap]

My DSis, who cannot have children, would swap every fibre of her being to be in your shoes.

Would you swap with her?

[SofaKitten]

It's a difficult one!

[activate]

I don't see the relevance of the 'swapping' point

Swapping positions is not optional although I occasionally pray that it could be.

Pain is what you bear personally it is not relative to others, it is not swappable with others, it is something that you bear on your own. My pain is not diminished because another patient is in a far worst state than me. My emotional pain at secondary infertility was not lessened because your sister could not have children.

It is a manipulative statement in my point of view, I will have little truck with it

[activate]

So would your sister swap with me. I have 4 children I'm lucky. I also have a life-threatening and potentially life-limiting condition?

do you see my point. It's an irrelevant statement.

[ihearthuckabees]

I agree with GetDown - and i am speaking from the perspective of someone who suffered secondary infertility. A positive, 'count my blessings' attitude was very empowering for me, and helped me come to terms with what had happened.

[3thumbedwitch]

fedupttc - I have sent you a PM - check your little envelope at the very top of the page, it should have a red blob on it now. :)