3.5 year old - very distressed and catatonic after contact with his father

[user1494169099]

Hello everyone,

Looking for some words of wisdom here. I have a 3.5 year old boy and a 2 year old girl, their father left when DD was 2 months.

I will try to set briefly the backstory first - the father is a textbook drama king, thriving under extreme emotional swings. Formally he has contact on one weeknight and overnight Friday to Saturday. He sees the children at most once every two weeks now, after not showing up at all for almost 6 months. Every time, with no exceptions to date, there is some unexplainable and dramatic action from his side during/preceding contact - the last one, for example, was shaving off our daughter's hair (chin length before). The one before that was lying about his mum, the children's grandma, dying in agony (she is very much alive). If I listed everything that has happened and submitted it as a soap drama script, it would probably be rejected as too unrealistic and bizarre.

I am very worried now about the impact this chaotic contact, and, if I am honest - ex's personality and behaviour as well, has on DS. He has always been a very emotional, hyperactive and easily excitable boy, had a moderate speech delay (sorted out with speech therapy, now almost normal).

After he now comes back from the contact he flips into a hysterical meltdown, shaking, laughing and crying at the same time, then goes all rigid and stiff for a couple of minutes. First time it happened I even called an ambulance, thinking it was an epileptic fit. He also becomes incontinent for a day or so after the contact (fully potty trained for more than a year now), noticeably regresses in speech (reverts to baby talk), and has screaming fits in the middle of the night. Then, after about two days, he's back to his normal self. It has been observed not only by me, but also by friends, family and nursery personnel.

I happened to witness (on and off) the contact between the two yesterday, and this is probably the main reason I am writing now (never thought before I will discuss something like this on a public board). Ex was in a hurry so dropped in to spend an hour with the children in the living room. It was quite volatile - started as an ultra active physical play with a lot of laughter, running and noise, and then suddenly ex started yelling at DS for not behaving himself properly and being noisy. DS then wetted his pants, and was lectured for a couple of minutes for being filthy and stinky. I entered the room then and found ex holding DS in an armlock and tickling him, while DS was crying, wriggling and begging to stop - to which the father was replying consistently: "only when you say sorry for doing a wee-wee and being such a naughty baby". I asked ex to stop and leave immediately, which he did. Surely enough, very soon after he left, DS had this hysterical reaction again, unresponsive for almost two hours after (just went to sit in a corner after the fit, soiling himself, rocking backwards and forwards, and screaming if I attempted to enter the room, then went straight to bed by himself, woke up during the night with screams a couple of times and then woke up today generally back to normal).

I probably will be urgently seeking an opinion from a child psychologist (?) next week. I could not sleep last night at all after observing the interaction and the reaction that followed, and it scares the life out of me now. Am I overreacting? Underreacting?

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Well I would have done anything to stop contact after he shaved your daughters head, let alone now. I would report all of this to social services, stop contact and go to court for an order for supervised contact only. This is utterly horrifying, your child is clearly being extremely traumatised.

[LtGreggs]

I have no experience (other than being a mother) but I don't think you are overreacting at all. Seek help, and I wouldn't have any unsupervised contact for the next few weeks until you've had some advice & support.

Sorry for you & your DC

[MrsKCastle]

Underreacting, definitely. Such a strong reaction from your DS to contact is very worrying. I would be stopping all contact immediately. Make a record of everything, along with who else has witnessed it. Tbh, it sounds as though your ex won't fight too hard for access, but your DC are not benefiting from contact, so stop it.

[biginjapan]

I'm afraid underreacting, but sounds like you are on to this now. This is an example of severe trauma - please ensure that your dc do not have unsupervised access with your ex again.

[Gunpowder]

I don't think you are overreacting and would get advice about ceasing contact. It sounds that at the very least it should be supervised. I hope your DS is ok. It's lucky he and his sister have a brilliant mum.

[ArseyTussle]

He shaved your daughter's head?! What explanation did he give?

Does your ex have any diagnosed mental health conditions?

Your poor children, what an awful situation.

[requestingsunshine]

Omg you have to stop contact immediately. Your son is very clearly traumatised and goodness knows what goes on when you aren't even there if your ex thinks that is normal behaviour! It is abuse. Do not leave that man alone with your children ever again!

[Natsku]

Definitely seek opinion for a child psychologist and talk to social services about this, stating that you are very concerned about contact because of these things (tell them everything that's concerned you) and that you want supervised contact only, and then make an application to court for that. Your poor little boy must be suffering so much (and your little girl too most likely even if she's not showing it now) :(

I have experience with contact with dad causing emotional and behavioural issues with my DD and got a lot of help from social services but I'm not in the UK so quite possibly its different, but if you have any questions feel free to ask. Ex has had no contact apart from phone/skype since early last summer and DD has changed so much, she's much more settled and less explosive.

[StripeyZazie]

Your son's reaction sounds like a reaction to trauma. Not surprising from what you describe.

Seek help now. I would say you are under reacting a bit. Agree with pp that shaving daughter's hair is a big red flag. That's what the French did to women who slept with Nazis! It sounds like he was trying to shame her as well as punish her- same as with the incident you just witnessed with your son. Shame, humiliation, punishment, fear- all wielded totally inappropriately. Add in sudden abandonment for long periods too- totally toxic.

Your kids are in danger of being seriously disturbed, and developing complex PTSD if their dad is allowed to continue to treat them like this.

[ILoveMyMonkey]

Under-reacting. You need to cut contact immediately and speak to social services urgently. He is emotionally abusing your child and the tickling / holding him in an armlock until he apologises could be classed as physically abusive. Not to mention the things you haven't witnessed!

Your poor little boy is trying to tell you something with his behaviour after contact, he sounds deeply traumatized by contact visits.

[Alwayshungryforcrisps]

Sounds terrifying, why did he shave her head?! I would be suggesting supervised contact only until you get to the bottom of it

[ProphetOfDoom]

Withdraw contact immediately. Make a report to social services and also to nursery. You could also talk to your health visitor for further advice & support. If your ex wants access he can go through the courts. You're not depriving your children; you're protecting them.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I think your ex sounds seriously disturbed and would not want him anywhere near any child untill he gets help. Even then I wouldn't want anything other than supervised visits ever.

I think as soon as he doesn't have free rein with the children you will not see him again.

[arsenalwatford]

Withdraw contact. Immediately.

[OnTheRise]

You're not depriving your children; you're protecting them.

This. Definitely this.

[HopelesslydevotedtoGu]

I think you are under reacting.

Your son has been very traumatised by whatever happens during contact. Laughing and playing one minute then shouting the next for no reason is terrifying for children.

I would do whatever you can to stop contact. I think it is harmful to your children.

[user1494169099]

Thanks everyone. We have already been through a year's custody battle costing more than 50K in legal fees just from my side (lifetime savings), and three different orders made so far. He asked for full custody to him and supervised access for me, and then could not be arsed to have any contact with the children at all when he 'lost' the case. His current contact schedule is ordered by the court, and there is already an enforcement application lodged by him (still waiting for the hearing date to be set, he came to have 'contact' at 11 pm on his contact day and for some unknown to him reason was refused). As I said, it is a drama of ridiculous proportions. My whole life is now duly recorded, and the house is on CCTV to catch exactly episodes like I described. DS's behaviour is also captured, of course.
The court and CAFCASS has a full list of his previous antics, with evidence, similar to what I described, and commented on it as unusual and eccentric, officially found him an unreliable witness prone to exaggeration, but no welfare concerns (confirmed three times).
Do you think social services will be interested now? I discussed this last week with the nursery manager and she shared my concerns (at that time not yet fully formed). Would it help if the referral comes from her?

[HopelesslydevotedtoGu]

Take your concerns to Social Services and your GP. Write everything out clearly to make it clear.

I would stop contact, absolutely, in these circumstances, and I don't say that lightly.
If for any reason contact continues, keep a thorough diary listing your son's behaviour and distress and regularly update social services, and press your GP for a referral to camhs for your son's behaviour.

[Blinkyblink]

Monumentally under-reacting.

This is very very serious.

[HopelesslydevotedtoGu]

X post

[Primaryteach87]

Oh wow. That sounds truly truly terrible. I would have to be imprisoned before allow my children contact after all that. Get a family lawyer asap. I would definitely go to your GP and say you believe your children has been abused by their father and you need help for them. Horrifying stuff. It can be very very hard to stop contact but if it helps imagine talking to your children when they are adults about it. Imagine them telling you that all this (and more) happened, why mum didnt you stop him?

[HopelesslydevotedtoGu]

Yes I think it would help if your nursery worker referred, having evidence from different people will build your case. Has she noticed any behaviour at nursery? Is your son literally 100% normal and happy between contact, or are there any residual problems?

Have you spoken to your GP, would they refer your son to camhs? His behaviour sounds really worrying. Can you show your GP any videos of this?

[yourcarisnotadiscovery]

OP - please speak to social services immediately, this is abuse and your children do not need to be a part of this. If you are concerned about your immediate welfare, call 101 now. If you are happy you are safe tonight, call in the morning, first thing. You are not overreacting at all. I can understand you questioning, it is too easy to get used to abuser's behaviour. Be strong

[HopelesslydevotedtoGu]

The problem primary is that if mum breaks court ordered contact the father's rights could be increased. I agree these are reasonable grounds to stop contact, but will the Courts? I would hope so, but they have already ordered contact with this dreadful man

[yourcarisnotadiscovery]

Sorry X post - yes definitely speak to nursery in the morning, they have duty of care to report and it well help your case enormously. Living nightmare for you, so sorry