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Our beautiful baby boy

(79 Posts)
Cakebaker35 Tue 04-Nov-14 08:46:25

was born on 21st October and died on 29th October in our arms. I don't know how I will ever feel ok again. I miss him so so much, he was just beautiful. How do you ever learn to live with something like this? Our dd is the only reason for getting out of bed at the moment but I'm worried our sadness will take its toll on her but I just can't be 'normal'. I feel so so empty.

Trazzletoes Tue 04-Nov-14 08:48:18

Oh cake I'm so sorry for your loss. Xxx

YouAreMyBread Tue 04-Nov-14 08:52:58

I'm so sorry you're going through this. xx

MrsWolowitz Tue 04-Nov-14 08:54:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleTulip Tue 04-Nov-14 08:55:10

I am so sorry to hear abou the loss of your beautiful baby boy. Would you like to tell us more about him?

Do what you can to get through this. You are right in that you will never be normal again but you will learn to lead a new normal life. Full of memories of your little one.

HappyInTheCity Tue 04-Nov-14 10:09:01

I'm so very sorry for your loss, thinking of your family. thanks

BettyFriedansLoveChild Tue 04-Nov-14 11:21:35

Cake, I am so sorry for the loss of your little boy. As Little Tulip says, perhaps you would like to tell us a little more about him? I lost my daughter at three days old nearly six months ago, and in the immediate aftermath I found it really helpful to be able to type out the details of her birth story and of the days leading up to her death. How old is your DD? Try not to worry to much about your sadness taking its toll on her, we also have an older DD (2.5) and she has been surprisingly resilient and perceptive at dealing with our grief at her sister's death; our bereavement counsellor says that this is not unusual. This is still very early days for you and you are absolutely not expected to be anywhere near 'normal' at this moment in time. Do you have some good real life support (especially people willing to look after DD so that you and DP can get some time alone)? Sending a big virtual hug to you and your family. x

ChippingInAutumnLover Tue 04-Nov-14 11:34:36

CB I am so, so sorry to hear about your DS sad flowers Life can be unbearably cruel. You don't ever 'get over' something like this happening, but you learn to live alongside it. You wont ever be the same person again because things like this change you - but you will learn to live alongside your loss. Your DD will be fine; they are amazingly resilient and take things in their stride. Lots of love and strength xx

flamingtoaster Tue 04-Nov-14 11:42:21

So sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful baby boy.

RunByFruiting Tue 04-Nov-14 11:52:01

So sorry for your loss x

Rainicorn Tue 04-Nov-14 12:06:34

I am so sorry for your loss thanks

Would you like to tell us about your son?

Rainicorn Tue 04-Nov-14 12:07:53

Sorry, posted too soon

Your DD, how old is she? There is a website called Winstons Wish that helps with bereavement and how to talk to children about it.

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle Tue 04-Nov-14 12:08:19

So incredibly sorry cakebaker. We are listening if you want to talk thanks

ArcheryAnnie Tue 04-Nov-14 12:13:03

thanks I'm so sorry for your loss, Cakebaker.

Ellisisland Tue 04-Nov-14 12:45:39

Oh cake I am so so sorry flowers

As pp have said use this space to talk about your beautiful boy as much as you want too xxx

VanGogh Tue 04-Nov-14 13:02:07

I am so so sorry for your loss.

Your son has touched your life and will have touched the lives of everyone who knew him and knew of him.

MinginInTheRain Tue 04-Nov-14 13:14:16

I am so sorry you had to go through this. It is unbelievably awful. I know it must feel like you will never feel like truly living again, let alone smile and be happy.

There is life after this tragedy. Hold on, talk as much as you need about your precious boy. He will never be forgotten. Use people in RL, talk, cry, scream at the unfairness of it all. I would suggest bereavement counselling too. A space to talk about your boy and explore ways of coping.

You will smile and laugh again. This was very important to me when I lost my first DS. I couldn't believe that I would ever be able to. Thought my life was over, never seriously contemplated suicide but just thought I would be miserable and completely bereft forever. But it wasn't like that, I slowly returned to life and now I can honestly say I laugh and smile as I did before. I can turn to tears on a sixpence though but that's ok. I will never stop loving and wanting my boy but I have learnt to exist knowing I can't have him. You can do the same. So so sorry you are going through this.

MotherOfInsomniacToddlers Tue 04-Nov-14 13:21:46

So so sorry to hear about your baby boy, life is so cruel sometimes. No advice just hugs and a virtual shoulder

KarenHL Tue 04-Nov-14 13:27:19

Cake, so sorry to read you and your family are going through this. My little boy lived for 45mins on Christmas Eve 2010. I still miss him very much and wonder what he would be like.

I found one of the ladies at SANDS amazing - knowing I could call/email her was helpful. The group we sometimes went to organised regular meets where we could do things to remember our children. I valued that.

I had pretty much no other support from anywhere/one else. Where we lived people would cross the road to avoid talking to me, probably as they didn't know what to say - it hurt though.

Our eldest was nearly 5 at the time and if I hadn't needed to be physically there for her, I just wouldn't have bothered getting out of bed. However, she understood if I was sad and was able to share her own feelings - we had a lot of cuddles.

It does feel like I have a gap in my life, but life has gone on. We could not cope with a big funeral so just had the three of us with our pastor (who is also a very dear friend) to say a prayer.

One of the kindest things a friend did was send us a special memory book to put in pictures and other things. I've not felt able to write or put anything in yet, I just tucked things in the front.
DH's cousin sent us a love food voucher - a really good idea as I was recovering from an ELCS and just couldn't face cooking.

Be kind to yourself - you are going through a horrible and painful time. PM me if you want. I'll be thinking of you. It will be hard to keep going, just focus on one small step at a time.

Sicksquid Tue 04-Nov-14 13:30:50

I am so sorry for your loss, Cakebaker. Please do talk about your beautiful son to us if you would like to thanks

Angelface5 Tue 04-Nov-14 14:16:31

So sorry for your loss. No matter how many sorrys we give I know it won't help with the pain your feeling at the moment, the only thing that will help with the pain is time.
You don't get over it , you learn to live with it. Your other child will help you to be strong but don't worry about crying infront of her, just explain things to her as simple as you can why her mummy is sad. And give her lots of cuddles I found the cuddles and closeness with my other children helped me so much.

Please don't feel like you have to act a certain way or be fine as you don't. The worst thing in the world has happened to you and why shouldn't you be sad upset or angry. You will go through these stages but try not to push your love ones away as it hurts so much.
If it helps let it all out on here everyone who has been there will understand.
I so wish I could give you a hug just writing this is making me cry, as you should never have to go through what you just have.
Lots of love and cuddles. I'm so sorry x x x x x

cathpip Tue 04-Nov-14 14:22:57

You get up and function because you have too, I know you don't want too, the pain is excruciating..... My 3 year old dd passed away 7 months ago but I had a 5 year old and 10 day old baby that also needed me. Children are very resilient, going from sad to bouncing around in a matter of minutes. As for learning to live with it, you just do, we have no choice. The pain of knowing that the one thing you want the most is not possible will never leave you, it will be there always, but you will smile again and laugh. I am so utterly sorry about your darling little boy, please take it very easy over the next few weeks and accept all the help offered. Just like I was, you are in a very vulnerable position with your body full of pregnancy hormones. Sending lots of love. Xx

Cakebaker35 Tue 04-Nov-14 22:30:31

Thank you all so much for your support and for sharing your own experiences. I'm in such a daze I can't seem to get the words down at the moment but I will tell you a some more about it all when I can. I am clinging onto the fantastic support dh is giving me as well as family and friends. Thank you again, I will come back when I'm able to be a bit more coherent.

I am so truly sorry xx

Cakebaker35 Thu 06-Nov-14 11:41:55

I'm in such a haze of emotions so perhaps if I try and type what happened it may help a little, sorry for the brain dump but here goes.

I went into labour at 27 weeks completely unexpectedly. I was at home on my own having dropped dd (almost 3) at pre school. Things started as a bit of tummy ache but rapidly I knew contractions were starting and after several frantic phone calls my dh who was at work called an ambulance and I was blue lighted to hospital while he had an hour's taxi journey to find me. Paramedics were amazing but I knew from the extremely fast labour (ending in emcs) I'd had with dd that things were moving fast and I'd began bleeding a lot so was petrified. I was whisked straight into delivery unit where 2 midwives and 2 doctors were waiting, and as expected I was already 9cm dilated. I'd had a placental abruption so was told I'd need an emcs again. Dh just made it in time to be with me in theatre. It was terrifying but our son was born, we heard him cry and initial signs were positive as he was big and breathing for himself.

It was in the next 24 hours that it became clear things were not as positive as everyone hoped. He was very bruised and then had bleeding in is brain which became more and more severe. The intensive care staff were just amazing, looking after him and us so so kindly and professionally so I cling onto that as it makes you realise what kindness there is despite the awful things that happen. After more complications, our son began struggling and by this point our conversations with consultants were increasingly serious. Ultimately our son made his own decision I feel, as I was having a cuddle with him - the first one where I was able to have him on my chest - and he started to struggle with breathing and he passed away in my arms. It was calm and peaceful and he was by this point sedated so was not in distress. I was so glad we were there and it didn't happen during the night or while we were away seeing our dd.

Afterwards we went to a local hospice who provide families like us with a room to be with our son and a flat so we could stay as long as we needed. I washed and dressed him and put him to bed in his Moses basket with his toys and wrapped him in cosy blankets. The hospice were so wonderful and helped us with all the practicalities which we had no clue about.

Seeing my son once he had passed away is the most heartbreaking and terrible experience of my life. I could hardly bare to look at him the next day, I felt the terrible physical wrench of him no longer being with us, like there is just a dead place inside of me that would never ever be mended. I feel terribly guilty about not seeing him again after that point but I said my goodbyes then and couldn't stand to be there any longer so we came home once the funeral directors came to collect him.

And at home, I just miss him so so terribly. I just hope I said the eight things and he knew how much we loved him, I can't even remember what I said now. We have told our dd and she has been very matter of fact about it but her behaviour has been very up and down as there have been lots of family and friends visiting and her routine is all over the place so I am trying to put her first and make things as normal as we can for her.

I'm recovering physically ok from the operation but just want to be fit again so I can be busy and distract myself.

My dh is being amazing, I don't know how he's finding the strength but he is.

The funeral is on Monday and we thought first of all it would just be us but having received so much support from our family and friends we decided to just ask everyone. It will be such a hard day but knowing they all care will I hope help us get through.

In March this year i miscarried twins and felt after that life surely couldn't get any harder. I was so delighted to find I was pregnant again sooner than we'd imagined and after some stressful times early on, after 20 weeks is allowed myself to start getting excited. Life feels so cruel.

I'm terrified about the future. But I'm just trying to take one day at a time and trying to be grateful we have our wonderful dd.

Thank you for reading,sorry this is so long and rambling.

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